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KNICKERBOCKER'S 

HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

ETC. ETC. 



I9t isaarlieiti tfie in tiutster laa, 
Bic iwmt mit felaar^ellJ aan Ben Uag. 



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A 

HISTORY OF NEW YORK, 

From the n C ,y 

BEGINNING OF THE WORLD -^ ^. 

To the 

END OF THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 

Containing, 
Among many surprising and curious Matters, 

THE UNUTTERABLJE PONDERINGS OF 

WALTER THE DOUBTER, 

THE DISASTROUS PROJECTS OF 

WILLIAM THE TESTY, 

AND THE CHIVAI.RIC ACHIEVEMENTS OF 

PETER THE HEADSTRONG, 

Vti)t tljrce W\xu^ ©obernors of i^fiD^^mstcrtJam ; 

Being 
THE OJeLY AVTHEJS'TIC HISTORY OF THE TlJ)lEi' 

That ever hath been published. 



-♦- 



By DIEDRICH KNICKERBOCKER, 

IConKon : 

ROBERT THURSTON, FLEET STREET. 

1828. 






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t1£l 






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CONTENTS. 



Page 

Account of the Author xiii 

Preface xxv 



BOOK FIRST. 

Containing clivers ingenious Theories and philosophic Speculations 
concerning the Creation and l'o|Hilation of the Woild, as connected 
with the Ilistcrj' of New Yorli. 

Chap. I. Description of the World i ] 

Chap. II. Cosmogony, or Creation of the World ; 
with a multitude of excellent Theories, by which 
the Creation of a World is shown to be no such 
difficult matter as common folks would imagine .... 6 

Chap. III. How far that famous Navigator, Noah, 
was shamefully nicknamed •, and how he committed 
an unpardonable Oversight in not having Four Sons: 
with the great Trouble of Philosophers caused 
thereby, and the Discovery of America 13 

Chap. IV. Showing the great Difficulty Philosophers 
have had in peopling America ; and how the Abori- 
giires came to be begotten by Accident, to the 
great Relief and Satisfaction of the Author 18 



VI CONTENTS. 



Chap. V. In which tlie Author puts a mighty 
Question to the Rout by the Assistance of the Man 
m the Moon ; which not only delivers Thousands 
of People from great Embanassmenl, but like- 
wise concludes this Introductory Book 32 



BOOK SECOND. 

Treating of the first Settlement of the Province of Nieuw 
Wederlaudts, 

* 
Chap. I. Tn winch are contained divers Reasons why 
a Man should not write in a hurry. Also of Master 
Hendrick Hudson, his Discovery of a strange 
Country ; and how he was magnificently rewarded 
by the Munificence of their Hi2^h Mightinesses 36 

Chap. II. Containing an Account of a mighty Ark 
wliich floated under the Protection of St. Nicholas 
from Holland to Gibbet Island •, the Descent of the 
strange Animals therefrom ; a great Victory, and a 
description of the ancient Village of Commuuipaw... 44 

?HAP. III. In which is set forth the true Art of 
making a Bargain ; together with the miraculous 
Escape of a great Metropolis in a Fog ; and the 
Biography of certain Heroes of Commuuipaw 49 

Chap. IV. How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged 
to Hell Gate, and how they were received there 54 

Chap. V. How the Heroes of Communipaw returned 
somewhat wiser than they went ; and how the sage 
Olofte dreamed a Dream j and the Dream that he 
dreamed 62 

Chap. VI. Containing an attempt at Etymology; and 
of the Founding of the great City of Mew Amsterdam 66 

Chap. VII How the City of New Amsterdam waxed 
great under the Protection of OloHe the Dreamer.. 71 



CONTENTS. Vli 

Page 

BOOK THIRD. 

la which is recorded the Golden Reign of Wouter Vau T wilier. 

Chap. I. Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, his 
unparalleled Virtues; as likewise his unutterable 
Wisdom in the Law Case of Wandle Schoonhoven 
iind Barent Bleecker ; and the great Admiration of 
the Public thereat 76 

Chap. II. Containing some Account of the grand 
Council of New-Amsterdam, as also divers especial 
good philosophical reasons why an Alderman should 
be fat ; with other particulars touching the State of 
the Piovince 82 

Chap. III. How the Town of New Amsterdam arose 
out of Mud, and came to be marvellously polished 
and polite ; together with a Picture of our great 
great Grandfathers ^ 89 

Chap. IV. Containing further Particulars of the 
Golden Age, and what constituted a fine Lady and 
Gentleman in the Days of Walter the Doubter 96 

Chap. V. In which the Reader is beguiled into a 
delectable Walk, which ends very differently from 
what it commenced 101 

Chap VI. Faithfully describing the ingenious People 
of Connecticut and thereabouts : showing, moreover, 
the true Meaning of Liberty of Conscience, and a 
curious Device among these sturdy Barbarians to 
keep up a Harmony of Intercourse, and promote 
Population : 10.1 

CfiAP. VII. How these simple Barbarians turned out 
to be notorious Squatters. How they built Air 
Castles, and attempted to initiate the Nederlanders 
in the Mystery of Bun?Uing..< , 10 



viii CoNTENTi. 

Page 
Chap. VIII. How the Fort Goed Hoop was fearfblly 
beleagued •, how the renowned Wouter to fell in a 
profound Doubt, and how he finally evaporated 114 

BOOK FOURTH. 

Containing the Chronicles of the Keign of William the Testy. 

Chap. F. Showino; the Nature of History in general ; 
containing furthermore the universal Acquirements 
of William the Testy, and how a 3Ian may learn 
so much as to render himself good for Nothing 120 

Chap. II. In which are recorded the sage Projects of 
a Ruler of universal Genius. The Art of Fighting 
by Proclamation, and how that the valiant Jacobus 
Van Curlet came to be foully dishonoured at Fort 
Goed Hoop 127 

Chap. III. Containing the fearful Wrath of William 
the Testy, and the great Dolor of the New Amstcr- 
dammers, because of the Affair of Fort Goed Hoop. 
And moreover how William the Testy did strongly 
fortify the City. Together with the Exploits of 
Stoffel Brinkerhoff. 132 

Chap. IV, Philosophical Reflections on the Folly of 
being happy in Times of Prosperity. Sundry 
Troubles on the Southern Frontiers. How William 
the Testy had well nigh ruined the Province through 
a cabalistic Word. As also the secret Expeditiun 
of Jan Jansen Alpendam, and his astonishing Reward 138 

Chap. V. How William the Testy enriched the Pro- 
vince by a Multitude of Laws, and came to be the 
Patron of Lawyers and Bumbailiffs. And how the 
People became exceedingly enlightened and unhappy 
under his Instructions , 145 

Chap. VL Of the great Pipe Plot; and of the dolorous 
Perplexities into which William the Testy was 
tlnt)vvn, by reason of his having enlightened the 
Multitude 151 



CONTENTS. U 

Pase 



"o* 



Chap. VII. Containing divers fearful Accounts of 
Border Wars, and the flagrant Outrages of the 
Moss Troopers of Connecticut ; and the Kise of the 
great Amphyctionic Council of the East, and the 
DecUne,of William the Testy 156 



BOOK FIFTH. 

Coutaining the first Part of the Keign of Peter Stuyvesant, and his 
Troubles with the Amphyctionic Council. 

Chap. I. In which the Death of a great Man is 
shown to be no very inconsolable Matter of Sorrow; 
and how Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great Name 
from the uncommon Strength of his Head 164 

Chap. II. Showing how Peter the Headstrong be- 
stirred himself among the Rats and Cobwebs on 
entering into Office; and the perilous Mistake he 
was guilty of in his Dealings with the Amphyctions J 69 

Chap. III. Containing various Speculations on War 
and Negociations; showing that a Treaty of Peace 
is a great national Evil 174 

Chap. IV. How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied 
by his Adversaries the Moss-Troopers ; and his 
Conduct thereupon 178 

Chap. V. How the New-Amsterdammers became 
great in Arms, and of the direful Catastrophe of a 
mighty Army ; together with Peter Stuyvesant's 
Measures to fortify the City, and how he was the 
original Founder of the Battery 185 

Chap. VI. How the People of the East Country were 
suddenly afllicted with a diabolical Evil — and their 
judicious Measures for the Extirpation thereof. 190 

Chap. VII. Which records the Rise and Renown of a 
valiant Commander ; showing that a Man, like a Blad- 
der, may be puffed up to Greatness and Importance 
by mere Wind 195 



CONTENTS. 

Page 

BOOK SIXTH. 

Contaioing the second Part of the Reign of Peter the Headstrong-, 
and his gallant Achievements on the Delaware. 

Chap. I. In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of 
the great Peter — and how General Von PofFenburgh 
distinguished himself at Fort Casimir 202 

Chap. II. Showing how profound Secrets are often 
brought to light : with the Proceedings of Peter the 
Headstrong, when he heard of the Misfortunes of 
General Von PofFenburgh 210 

Chap. III. Containing Peter Stuyvesant's Voyage up 
the Hudson, and the Wonders and Delights of that 
renowned River... 216 

Chap. IV. Describing the powerful Army that assem- 
bled at the City of New-Amsterdam — together with 
the Interview between Peter the Headstrong and 
General Von PofFenburgh; and Peter's Sentiments 
touching unfortunate great Men 222 

Chap. V. In which the Author discourses very in- 
geniously of himself. — After which is to be found 
much interesting History about Peter the Head- 
strong and his Followers ,. 227 

Chap. VI. Showing the great Advantage that the 
Author has over his Reader in time of Battle — to- 
gether with divers portentous Movements ; wliich be- 
token tliat Something terrible is about to happen 234 

Chap. VII. Containing the most horrible Battle ever 
recorded in Poetry or Prose ; with the admir:il)le 
Exploits of Peter the Headstrong.... 23l> 



CONTENT9. Xl 

Pago 

Chap. VIII. In which the Author and the Readar, 
while reposing after the Battle, fall into a very grave 
Discourse — after which is recorded the Conduct of 
Peter Stuyvesant after his Victory 249 

BOOK SIXTH. 



Containing the third Part of the Reign of Peter the Headstrong— H is 
I'roubles with the British Nation ; and the Decline and Pall of the 

Dutch Dynasty. 

Chap. I. How Peter Stuyvesant relieved the Sove- 
reign People from the Burden of taking care of the 
Nation — with sundry Particulars of his Conduct in 
Time of Peace , 257 

Chap. II. HowPeter Stuyvesant was much molested 
by the Moss-Troopers of the East, and the Giants 
of Merryland j and how a dark and horrid Con- 
spiracy was carried on in the British Cabinet against 
the Prosperity of the Manhattoes 265 

Chap. III. Of Peter Stuyvesant's Expedition into 
the East Country ; showing that, though an old Bird, 
he did not understand Trap 270 

Chap. IV. Hovy the People of New-Amsterdam were 
thrown into a great Panic, by the News of a 
threatened Invasion ; and the Manner in which they 
fortified themselves „...., 278 

'hap. V. Showing how the Grand Council of the 
New Netherlands came to be miraculously gifted 
with long Tongues— Together with a great Triumph 
of Economy , 281 

Chap. VI. In which the Troubles of New- Amster- 
dam appear to thicken — Showing the Bravery, in 
Time of Peril, of a People who defend themselves 
by Resolutions , , 285 



Xii CONTENTS. 

Pag« 
Chap. VII. Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony 
the Trumpeter j and how Peter Stuyvesant, like a 
second Cromwell, suddenly dissolved a Rump Parlia- 
ment "" 

Chap. VIII. How Peter Stuyvesant defended the 
City of New-Amsterdam for several Days, by Dint 
of the Strength of his Head.. SO"' 

Chap. IX. Containing the dignified Retirement and 
mortal Surrendei' of Peter the Headstrong 303 

Chap. X. The Auther's Reflections upon what has 
been said .« • •• ••*••• ••••• 308 



ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR. 



It was some time, if I recollect right, in the early pax*t 
of the fall of 1808, that a stranger applied for lodgings 
at the Independent Columbian Hotel in Mulberry Street, 
of which I am Landlord. He was a small, brisk-lookinff 
old gentleman, dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of 
olive velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He had a 
few grey hairs plaited and clubbed behind, and his beard 
seemed to be of some eight-and-forty hours' growth. The 
only piece of finery which he bore about him was a bright 
pair of square silver shoe-buckles : and all his baggage 
was contained in a pair of saddle bags, which he carried 
under his arm. His whole appearance was something out 
of the common run ; and my wife, who is a very shrewd 
body, at once set him down for some eminent country 
schoolmaster. 

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a very small 
house, I was a little puzzled at first where to put him ; 
but my wife, who seemed taken with his looks, would 
needs put him in her best chamber, which is genteelly set 
off with the profiles of the whole family, done in black, 
by those two great painters, Jarvis and Wood j and com- 



Xiv ACCOUNT OF 

niands a very pleasant view of the new grounds on the 
Collect, together with the rear of the Poor-House and 
Bridewell, and the full front of the Hospital ; so that it is 
the cheerfuUest room in the whole house. 

During the whole time that he staid with us, we found 
him a very worthy good sort of an old gentleman, though 
a little queer in his ways. He would keep in his room for 
days together, and if any of the children cried or made 
a noise about his door, he would bounce out in a great 
passion, with his hands full of papers, and say something 
about " deranging his ideas j" which made my wife believe 
sometimes that he was not altogether compos. Indeed 
there was more than one reason to make her think so, for 
his room was always covered with scraps of paper and o'd 
mouldy books, lying about at sixes and sevens, which he 
never would let any body touch j for he said he had laid 
them all away in their proper places, so that he might 
know where to find them ; though, for that matter, he 
was half his time worrying about the house in search of 
some book or writing which he had carefully put out of the 
way. 1 shall never forget what a pother he once made, 
because my wife cleaned out his room when his back was 
turned, and put every thing to rights 5 for he swore he 
would never be able to get his papers in order again in a 
twelvemonth. Upon this my wife ventured to ask him, 
what he did with so many books and papers ? and he told 
her, that he was " seeking for immortality;" which made 
her think more than ever, that the poor old gentleman's 
head was a little cracked. 

He was a very inquisitive body, and when not in his 
room was continually poking about town, hearing all the 



THE AUTHOR. XV 

news, and prying into every thing that was going on : this 
was particularly the case about election time, when he did 
nothing but bustle about from poll to poll, attending all 
ward meetings and committee rooms j though I could 
never find that he took part with either side of the question. 
On the contrary, he would come home and rail at both 
parties with great wrath ; and plainly proved one day to 
the satisfaction of my wife and three old ladies who were 
drinking tea with her, that the two parties were like two 
rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation 5 and that 
in the end they would tear the very coat off its back, and 
expose its nakedness. Indeed he was an oracle among 
the neighbours, who would collect around him to hear 
him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his pipe on the 
bench before the door , and I really believe he would have 
brought over the whole neighbourhood to his own side 
of the question, if they could ever have found out whit 
it was. 

He was very much given to argue, or, as he called it 
jjhitosophizef about the most trifling mattei-, and to do 
him justice, 1 never knew any body that was a match for 
him, except it was a grave looking gentleman wlio called 
now and then to see him, and often posed him in an 
argument. But this is nothing surprising, as i have since 
found out this stranger is the city librarian, and, of course, 
must be a man of great learning : and I have my doubts, 
if he had not some hand in the following history. 

As our lodger had been a long time with us, and we had 
never received any pay, my wife began to be somewhat 
uneasy, and curious to find out who and what he was. She 
accordingly made bold to put the question to his fiieud. 



XVI ACCOUNT OF 

the librarian, who replied, in his dry way, that he was one 
of the Literati; which she supposed to mean some new 
party in politics. 1 scorn to pii&h a lodger for his pay, so 
1 let day afler day pass on without dunning the old gentle- 
man for a farthing : but my wife, who always takes these 
matters on herself, and is, as I said, a shrewd kind of a 
woman, at last got out of patience, and hinted, that she 
thought it high time " some people should have a sight 
of some people's money." To which the old gentleman 
replied in a mighty touchy manner, that she need not 
make herself uneasy, for that he had a treasure there 
(pointing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole house put 
together. This was the only answer we could ever get 
from him ; and as my wife, by some of those odd ways in 
which women find out every thing, learnt that he was of 
very great connexions, being related to the Knickerbockers 
of Scaghtikoke, and cousin-german to the Congress-mau 
of that name, she did not like to treat him uncivilly. 
What is more, she even offered, merely by way of making 
things eaty, to let him live scot-free, if he would teach 
the children their letters j and to try her best and get the 
neighbours to send their children also : but the old (rentle- 
man took it in such dudgeon, and seemed so aflVonted at 
being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never dared speak 
on the subject again. 

About two months ago, he went out of a morning, with 
a bundle in his hand — and has never been heard of since. 
All kinds of inquiries were made after him, but in vain. 
I wrote to his relations at Scaghtikoke, but they sent for 
nswer, that he had not been there since the year before 
last, when he had a great dispute with the Congress-man 



THE AUTHOR. Xvii 

•dl)out politics, and left the place in a hufF, and they had 
neither heard nor seen any thin^ of him from that time to 
this. I must own I felt very much worried about the poor 
old gentleman ; for I thought something bad must have 
happened to him, that he should be missing so long, and 
never return to pay his bill. I therefore advertised him in 
the newspapers, and though my melancholy advertisement 
was published by several humane printers, yet I have 
never been able to learn any thing satisfactory about him. 

My wife now said it was high time to take care of our- 
selves, and see if he had left any thing behind in his room, 
that would pay us for his board and lodging. We found 
nothing, however, but some old books and musty writings, 
and his pair of saddle-bags ; which being opened in pre- 
sence of the librarian, contained only a few articles of 
worn-out clothes, and a large bundle of blotted paper. 
On looking over this, the librarian told us, he had no 
doubt it was the treasure which the old gentleman had 
spoke about j as it proved to be a most excellent and 
faithful History of New York, which he advised us 
by all means to publish : assuring us that it would be so 
eagerly bought up by a discerning public, that he had no 
doubt it wo Id be enough to pay our arrears ten times 
over. Upon his we got a very learned schoolmaster, who 
teaches our children, to prepare it for the press, which he 
accordingly has done ; and has, moreover, added to it a 
number of notes of his own 5 and an engraving of the 
city, as it was at the time Mr. Knickerbocker writes 
about. 

This, therefore, is a true statement of my reasons for 
having this work printed, without v.aiting for the consent 



XVm ACCOUNT OF 

of the author : and 1 here declare, that if he ever returns 
(though 1 much fear some unhappy accident has hefailen 
him), 1 stand ready to account with him like a true and 
lioues>t man. Which is all at present — 

From the public's humble servant, 

Seth Handaside. 

ludependent Columbian Hotel, 
Mew York. 



The foregoing account of the author was prefixed to 
the first edition of this work. Shortly after its publica- 
tion, a letter was received from him, by Mr. Handaside, 
dated at a small Dutch village on the banks of the Hudson, 
whither he had travelled for the purpose of inspecting 
certain ancient records. As this was one of those few and 
happy villages, into which newspapers never find their 
way, it is not a matter of surprise, that Mr. Knicker- 
bocker should never have seen the numerous advertise- 
ments that were made concerning him j and that he should 
learn of the publication of his history by mere accident. 

He expressed much concern at its premature appear- 
ance, as thereby he was prevented from making several 
important corrections and alterations : as well as from 
profiting by many curious hints which he had collected 
during his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea, and 
his sojourn at Haverstraw and Esopus. 

Finding that there was no longer any immediate neces- 
sity for his return to New York, he extended his journey 



THE AUTHOR. XIX 

up to the residence of his relations at Scaghtikoke. On 
his way thither he stopped for some days at Albany, for 
which city he is known to have entertained a great partia- 
lity. He found it, however, considerably altered, and was 
much concerned at the inroads and improvements which 
the Yankees were making, and the consequent decline of 
the good old Dutch manners. Indeed he was informed 
that these intruders were making sad innovations in all 
parts of the state 5 where they had given great trouble and 
vexation to the regular Dutch settlers, by the introduction 
of turnpike gates and country school-houses. It is said also, 
that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head sorrowfully at 
noticing the gradual decay of the great Vander Heydeii 
palace 5 but was highly indignant at finding that the 
ancient Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the 
street, had been pulled down since his last visit. 

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker's History having reached 
even to Albany, he received much flattering attention 
from its worthy burghers j some of whom, however, pointed 
out two or three very great errors he had fallen into, 
particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar over the 
Albany tea tables, which, they assured him, had been 
discountenanced for some years past. Several families, 
moreover, were somewhat piqued that their ancestors had 
not been mentioned in his work, and showed great jealousy 
of their neighbours who had thus been distinguished j 
while the latter, it must be confessed, plumed themselves 
vastly thereupon ; considering these recordings in the light 
of letters patent of nobility, establishing their claims to 
ancestry — which, in this republican country, is a matter of 
no little solicitude and vain-glory. 



XX ACCOUNT OF 

It is also said, that lie enjoyed high favour and coun* 
tenance from the governor, who once asked him to 
dinner, and was seen two or three times to shake hands 
•with him when they met in the street j which certainly 
was going great lengths, considering that they differed 
in politics. Indeed, certain of the governor's confi- 
dential friends, to whom he could venture to speak his 
mind freely on such matters, have assured us that he 
privately entertained a considerable good will for our 
author — nay, he even once went so far as to declare, 
and that openly too, and at his own table, just after 
dinner, that " Knickerbocker was a very well meaning 
sort of an old gentleman, and no fool." From all which 
many have been led to suppose that, had our author 
been of different politics, and written for the newspapers 
instead of wasting his talents on histories, he might 
have risen to some post of honour and profit : peradven- 
sure to be a notary public, or even a justice in the ten 
pound court. 

Uesides the honours and civilities already mentioned, 
he was much caressed by the literati of Albany j parti- 
cularly Mr. John Cook, who entertained him very hos- 
pitably at his circulating library and reading room, 
where they tised to drink Spa water, and talk about the 

ancients. He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart 

of great literary research, and a curious collector of books. 
At parting, the latter, in testimony of friendship, made 
hhu a piesent of the two oldest works of his collection; 
which were, the earliest edition of the Hiedelburgh Cate- 
chism and Adrian Vander Donck's famous account of the 



THE AUTHOR. "• XXI 

Kew Netherlands : by the last of which Mr. Knickerbocker 
profited greatly in this his second edition. 

Having passed some time very agreeably at Albany, our 
author proceeded to Scaghtikokej where, it is but justice 
to say he was received with open arms, and treated with 
wonderful loving kindness. He was much looked up to by 
the family, being the first historian of the name ; and was 
considered almost as great a man as his cousin the Congress- 
man—with whom by the by, he became perfectly reconciled 
and contracted a strong friendship. 

In spite, however, of the kindness of his relations, and 
their great attention to his comforts, the old gentleman 
soon became restless and discontented. His history being 
published, he had no longer any business to occupy his 
thoughts, or any scheme to excite his hopes or anticipations. 
This to a busy mind like his was a truly deplorable situa- 
tion ; and, had he not been a man of inflexible morals 
and regular habits, there would have been great danger of 
his taking to politics or drinking — both which pernicious 
vices we daily see men driven to by mere spleen and 
idleness. 

I It is true, he sometimes employed himself in pre- 
paring a second edition of his history, wherein he endea- 
voured to correct and improve many passages with which 
he was dissatisfied, and to rectify some mistakes that had 
crept into it j for he was particularly anxious that his work 
should be noted for its authenticity ; which, indeed, is the 
very life and soul of history. But the glow of composition 
had departed — he had to leave mauy places untouched, 
which he would fain have altered j and even where he did 



XXII ACCOUNT OF 

make alterations, he seemed always iu doubt whether they 
were for the better or the worse. 

After a residence of some time at Scaghtikoke, he began 
to feel a strong desire to return to New York, which h« 
ever regarded with the warmest affection ; not merely 
because it was his native city, but because he really con 
sidered it the very best city in the whole world. On hi 
return he entered into the full enjoyment of the advantage 
of a literary reputation. He was continually imporlunei 
to write advertisements, petitions, hand bills, and produc- 
tions of similar import ; and, although he never meddled 
with the public papers, yet had he the credit of writing 
nnumerable essays, and smart things, that appeared on all 
subjects, and all sides of the question j in all which he was 
clearly detected " by his style." 

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt at the 
post-office, in consequence of the numerous letters he 
received from authors and printers soliciting his sub- 
scription — he was applied to by every charitable so- 
-ciety for yearly donations, which he gave very cheerfully, 
considering these applications as so many compliments. 
He was once invited to a great corporation dinner ; and 
was even twice summoned to attend as a juryman at the 
court of quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he 
become, that he could no longer pry about, as formerly, in 
all holes and corners of the city, according to the bent 
of his humour, unnoticed and uninterrupted j but several 
times when he has been sauntering the streets, on his usua? 
rambles of observation, equipped with his cane and cocket' 
hat, the little boys at play have been known to cry, " ther-" 



THE AUTHOR. xxiii 

goes Diedrich !"--at which the old gentleman seemed not a 
little pleased, looking upon these salutations in the light of 
the praises of posterity. 

In a word, if we take into consideration all these various 
honours and distinctions, together with an exuberant 
eulogium passed on him in the Port-Folio— (with which, we 
are told, the old gentleman was so much overpowered that 
he was sick for two or three days)-.it must be confessed 
that few authors have ever lived to receive such illustrious 
rewards, or have so completely enjoyed in advance their own 
immortality. 

After his retuin from Scaghtikoke, Mr. Knickerbocker 
took up his residence at a little rural retreat, which the 
Stuyvesants had granted him on the family domain, in 
gratitude for their honourable mention of their ancestor. It 
was pleasantly situated on the borders of one of the salt 
marshes beyond Corlear's Hook : subject, indeed, to be 
occasionally overflowed, and much infested, in the summer 
time, with musquitoes ; but otherwise very agreeable, pro- 
ducing abundant crops of salt-grass and bulrushes. 

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gentleman fell 
dangerously ill of a fever, occasioned by the neighbouring 
marshes. When he found his end approaching, he disposed 
of his worldly affairs, leaving the bulk of his fortune to the 
New-Yoik Historical Society: his Hiedelburg Catechism, 
and Vander Donck's work, to the City Library; and his 
saddle-bags to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his enemies • 
that is to say, all that bore any enmity towards him ; foras 
to himself, he declared he died in good will to all the world. 
And, after dedicating several kind messages to his relations 
at Scaghtikoke, as well as to certain of our most substantial 



XXiV ACCOUNT OF 

Dutch citizens, he expired in the arms of his friend the 
librarian. 

His remains were interred, according to his own request, 
in St. Mark's Churchyard, close by the bones of his favou- 
rite hero, Peter Stuyvesant ; and it is rumoured, that the 
Historical Society have it in mind to erect a wooden monu- 
ment to his memory in the Bowling-green. 



TO THE PUBLIC. 



"To rescue from oblivion the memory of former inci- 
dents, and to render a just tribute of renown to the many 
great and wonderful transactions of our Dutch progenitors, 
Diedrich Knickerbocker, native of the city of New-York, 
produces this historical essay."* Like the great Father of 
History whose words I have just quoted, I treat of times 
long past, over which the twilight of uncertainty had 
already thrown ]ts shadows, and the night of forgetfulness 
was about to descend for ever. With great solicitude did 
I long behold the early history of this venerable and 
ancient city gradually slipping from our grasp, trembling 
on the lips of narrative old age, and day by day dropping 
piecemeal into the tomb. In a little while, thought I, 
and those reverend Dutch burghers, who serve as the 
tottering monuments of good old times, will be gathered 
to their fathers j their children, engrossed by the 
empty pleasures or insignificant transactions of the present 
age, will neglect to treasure up the recollections of the 
past, and posterity shall search in vain for memorials of 
the days of the Patriarchs. The origin of our city will be 
buried in eternal oblivion, and even the names and achieve- 
ments of Wouter Van Twiller, William Kieft, and Peter 
Stuyvesant, be enveloped in doubt and fiction, like those 
of Romulus and Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, 
Rinaldo, and Godfrey of Bologne. 

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible this threatened 
misfortune, I industriously set myself to work, to gathei 

• Beloe's Herodotus. 



XXVI PREFACE. 

together all the fragments of onr ancient history which 
still existed, and like ray revered prototype, Herodotus, 
where no written records could be found, have endeavoured 
to continue the chain of history by well authenticated 
traditions. 

In this arduous undertaking, which has been the sole 
business of a long and solitary life, it is incredible the 
number of learned authors I have consulted ; and all to 
but little purpose. Strange as it may seem, though such 
nmllitudes of excellent works have been written about this 
country, there are none extant which give any full and 
satisfactory account of the early history of New-York, or 
of its three first Dutch governors. I have, however, 
gained much valuable and curious matter from an elaborate 
manuscript written in exceding pure and classic low 
Dutch, excepting a few errors in orthography, which was 
found in the archives of the Stuyvesant family. Many 
legends, letters, and other documents, have I likewise 
gleaned in my researches among the family chests and 
lumber garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens : and I 
have gathei-ed a host of well authenticated traditions from 
divers excellent old Jadies of my acquaintance, who re- 
quested that their names might not be mentioned. Nor 
must 1 neglect to acknowledge how greatly I have been 
assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy institution, 
the New York Historical Society, to which I here 
publicly return my sincere acknowledgments. 

In the conduct of this inestimable work I have adopted 
no individual model, but on the contrary have simply con- 
tented myself with combining and concentrating the 
excellencies of the most approved ancient historians. Like 



PREFACE. XXVIl 

Xenophoii, I have maintained the utmost impavtiarrty, and 
the strictest adherence to truth throughout my history. I 
have enriched it, after the manner of Sallusf, with various 
characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full length and 
faithfully coloured. 1 have seasoned it with profound 
political speculations like Thucydides, sweetened it with 
the graces of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into the 
whole the dignity, the grandeur, and magnificence of Livy. 
I am aware that I shall incur the censure of numerous 
very learned and judicious critics, for indulging too fre- 
quently in the bold excursive manner of my favourite 
Herodotus. And to be candid, I have found it impossible 
always to resist the allurements of those pleasing episodes 
which, like flowery banks and fragrant bowers, beset the 
dusty road of the historian, and entice him to turn aside 
and refresh himself from his wayfaring. But 1 trust it 
will be found that I have always resumed my staff", and 
addressed myself to my weary journey with renovated 
spirits, so that both my readers and myself have been 
benefited by the relaxation. 

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish and uniform 
endeavour to rival Polybius himself, in observing the 
requisite unity of History, yet the loose and unconnected 
manner in which many of the facts herein recorded have 
come to hand, rendered such an attempt extremely difficult. 
This difficulty was likewise increased by one of the grand 
objects contemplated inmy work, which was to trace the rise 
of sundry customs and institutions in this best of cities, 
and to compare them when in the germ of infancy with 
what they are in the present old age of knowledge and 
improvement. 



■'^''^"* I'll K J" ACE. 

But the chkf inerit oa which 1 value my.elt; am! fuuud 
my h.>pes tv>r fuU.,^ res:anl, « that tUithful veracity ^ith 
*hKh 1 have ivajpHeU this iuvaluahle little woik • i-airfullv 
wium^viu^ away ibe chatfoi hy^K>,he..s, aud a,scaKlu.sc .he 
tares .^ table, wh.ch aiv I.k. apt to spr.u^ up auU ck>ke 
the seevls ot truth auU whole«<.,ue kuowlevljfe^Haa I beeu 
*uxiou. to i-apt.vate the sut>erticial throu^; who skim hke 
*w*Jk>ws over the surfacv o/ hteraturv ; or had 1 be^ 
«iii.KH« to cvHumeud my wruiu§^ to the j>amp>eml palates 
oi htc^rv epicu,v5-l might have availed mvself of the 
*>fc^^ity that over*hadow5 the iutant >ea.^ of our city, to 
iirt»»duiv a thousand pleasiu^ dctious. But I hive 
scrupulously dusc^i»xied mauy a pithy tale ami marvellous 
adveutu^, whereby the vWwsy air o*^ summer iu.K>leu<^ 
■MSbt be euthralled ; j<-aK>u*ly maiutaiuiu^ that fidelity 
^vuy. «M| dignity, ,bich shouM ever di^aiu^fui^ thJ 
^««u. ^ For a writer ol" th« cW oU;erve. aa 
«kg^ critic. i*«.«st sustam the chai^cier of a wise 
ma«, writ^ag: K>r the iu.tr«.^io« of postertty: o-e wh.> has 
studied to mf.^m himself well, wh.> has p.>udered his 
subje.^ with can., ami adAr«s«d hMuself to our judgmeul 
lather thau to our imagiuatiou,*' 

Thrii^ ba|>py, tberetore, is tkb o«r reuowu^l city, ia 
Winit ii-rideats worthy of swellia^ the theme of hist\^ • 
••J AMiUy twice happy is it ia havia^ such au hzstoriaj 
«* mrsclf to relate them. For at>er all, sfcu tie readier. 
c^tH^i ot tk,fm^ive^ aud ia tact empires ot'thems^h*^ are 
uoth^ug: without au hmoru^o It is the preseut «arrat.>r 
who records theur pro^spenty as they rise^wbo M<ug«s 
<Wth the splemlour of thei. uooaiide meridia,>-w ho prv>ps 
then- leeble memonab as they l.mei- to decav^who -uthet>> 



rnKFACE. XXXI 

lof^rllin- llu'ir HC-aUcrcd ria^iiinitN uh llu'y rol — iiiiil who 
|)i(>iiNty tit Icii^tli colk'clu tlu-ir uhIu-h into tlu- iiiausolcuiii of 
liiM work, and i-mrH a triiiniplial uioniini<-nt (o lianHniit 
their renown to ull succeedini^ uf^cH. 

Whut haH heen the fute of many fair cilicH of uiiti(|iiily, 
whoHe naMH-h'HH i uiuH encumber i\u: plainH of Kuropc and 
Auia, and awaken llie fruith'NK inipiiiy of the traveller? — they 
havi- sunk into dust und Hilenee — they have periHhed from 
lemeinhninee for want of un liistorian ! The pliilan(hro|>iHt 
may w4«'|» over llicii' dttsolalion — the poet may wan<ler 
amon;^ lln-ir nioultlninj^ archeu und broken columuN, and 
iudul;>e the viNionaiy ilij^hlH of hiu fancy — but uhiH ! alas ! 
the modern liiHtotian, whose pen, like my own, \h doomed 
lo ('oiiliuc itself to dull matter of fuel, HeekH in vain amon(^ 
tluir oblivious remains for bome memorial that may tell 
the instructive tale of their glory un«l their ruin. 

" VVurs, contlaj^ratioiiH, <lelujj[(;K,'' uays Aristotle, *' deHtrojl 
nations, and with them ull their monumentn, their dis- 
coveries und their vanities. — The torch of ucience has more 
than once been extinjrnished and rekindled — u few indi- 
viduals, vrho have escaped l)y accident, reunite the thread 
of ^[enerutionH." 

The same sad misfortune wiii<;h has happened to so many 
ancient cities willha|>pen a;>^!iiu, and from the same nad cauKC, 
to nine-tenths of thost; whi<h now flourish on the; face of the 
Klobe, Willi nn)st of them the time lor recordiiif^ tlwir 
history is pfone by •, their orif^in, their foundation, together 
with the early stapes of their settlement, are for ever 
buried in the rubbish of years j and the same would have 
been the case with this fair portion of the earth, if I had 
not Hiiati lied it from obscurity in the very nick uf time, at 



XX PRrFACE. 

thf moment that those matters herein recorded were about 
<*nrennj: mro the «'u)e^pnead iosatiable maw of oblivion— 
if 1 ha4 noi draf^^ed them OHt> as it were, bj- the very locks, 
just as the monster'"* a<^am»ntine fan^r? wei-e closing- upon 
them forever I And here have 1 , as before ob^^erved, caj-efully 
oolVecred, collated, and arrancrd them, scrip and scrap, 
*' pvni en pvnt, aai en pfttr and commenced in this little 
work, a histoiy to sen-e as a foundation, on which other 
historians may hereafter raise a noble superstructure, 
swelling in process of time, uutil Kniciej'hftcker^f Sew- 
' V m rh , may be equally volnminofis with Qibinm^s fkOme^ or 

And now indolg-e me for a moment : while T Iav down 
my pen, skip to some eminence at the distance of two or 
three hundred years a-head : and, casting; a bird's eve 
clance over the waste of years that is to roil between, 
djscover myself— little 1 !— at this moment the projrenitor, 
prototypr. and percursor of them all, posted at the head 
of »h*s host of literary worthies, with my book under my 
«nR,and New-York on my back, pressing: forward like a 
gallaot OMnmaader to Immmmr* and immortality ! 

Such are the vain-g-lorious imajrininffs that will now and 
tlMB enter into the brain of the author — that irradiate, as 
with celestial light, his solitary chamber, cheering^ his 
weary spirits, and animating him to presevere in his 
labours. Auri 1 have freely given utterance tio these 
rhaf«sod»es whenever they have occorred : net, ! trust, 
from an nmisnal spirit of cgotisEn, but merely that the 
reader may for ooce have an idea how an author thinks and 
while be is writit^— m kind of kooffrie^e ^'cry rare 
<»rioiis^ and much to be desired. 



THE 

IITSTORY or NEW-YOIIK, 



BOOK FIRST. 

roNTATNINO niVKUR INfiKNIorS TIIFOTIIFS AND PHT- 

I.OHOIMIK; Sl'FfUI.ATIONfl TONf^KUNI NO THE CREATION 

ANI> POPULATION OK TIIK WORI.II, AS CONNECTED 

WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 



CHAP I. 

Description of the World. 

ArcoRDING <(» (lie Inst aiithoi ilics, the world in wliirli 
we dwell is a luif^r, (»|t:iqiir, vtflectiiio;', inanimate niasn, 
flciatina^ in the vast etheical ocean of infinite spare. It 
has (he form of an oian^r, hcing an ohiale spheroid, r«iri- 
onsly flattened at (»|tposit<' parts, lor the insertion of two 
ima&^inary poles, which are snpposed to penetrate and 
nnite at the centre; thns forming; an axis, on wlii<h the 
mighty oianpe tnrns with a regnlar tiinrnal revolution. 

The transitions of light and darkness, whence proceed 
the alternntions of day aiul imk''^ '"'« produced l»y thi? 
diurnal revolution successively presenting^ the different 
parts of the earth (o the rays of the sun. The latter is 
accordiuff to the hest, that is to say, the latest accounts, 
a luminous or fiery hod y, of a prodijjious matjnitude, from 
which this world is driven hy a centi ifufral or repelling 
power, and to whidi it is drawn by a centripetal or 
attractive force; otherwise called the attraction of gravi- 
tation j the combination, or rather the counteraction of 

B 



S HISTORY OF 

these two opposing impulses producing^ a circular and 
annual revolution. Hence result the different seasons of 
the year, viz. spring, summer, autumn, and winter. 

This I believe to be the most approved modern theory 
on the subject — though there be many philosophers who 
have entertained very different opinions 5 some too of 
them entitled to much defert;nce from their great antiquity 
and illustrious characters. Thus it was advanced by some 
of the ancient sages, that the earth was an extended plain, 
supported by vast pillars; and by others, that it rested on 
the head of a snake, or the back of a huge tortoise — but 
as they did not provide a resting place for either the pillars 
or the tortoise, the whole theory fell to the ground, for 
want of proper foundation. 

The Brahmins assert, that the heavens rest upon the 
earth, and the sun and moon swim therein like fishes in 
the water, moving from east to west by day, and gliding 
along the edge of the horizon to their original stations 
during the night;* while, according to the Pauranicas of 
India, it is a vast plain, encircled by seven oceans of 
milk, nectar, and other delicious liquids; that it is studded 
with seven mountains, and ornamented in the centre by 
a mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that a great 
dragon occasionally swallows up the moon, which accounts 
for the phenomena of lunar eclipses.-f' 

Besides these, and many other equally sage opinions, we 
have the profound conjectures of Aboul-Hassanaly, 
son of Al Khan, sonofAly, son of Abderrahman, son of 
Abdallah, son of Masoud-el-Hadhcli, who is commonly 
called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbeddin, but who 
takes the humble title of Lahebar-rasoul, which means, 
the companion of the ambassador of God. He has written 
a universal history, entitled " Mouroudge-ed-dhahrab j 
or. The Golden Meadows, and the Mines of precious 
Stones.''J In this valuable work he has related the his- 
tory of the world, from the creation down to the moment 
of writing ; which was under the Khaliphant of Mothi 
Billah, in the month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th 
year of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He informs 
us that tiie earth is a huge bird, Mecca and Medina con- 

• Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus. note, b 7. 

t Sir VV. Jones, Diss. Antiq. Ind. Zod ♦ MSS. Bibliot. lloi Fr. 



NEW YORK. 



stitute the head, Persia and India tne ri^ht wing, the land 
of Gog the left wing, and Africa the tail. He informs us, 
moreover, that an earth has existed before the present 
(which he considers as a mere chicken of 7000 years) 
that jt has undergone divers deluges, and that, according 
to the opinion of some well-informed Brahmins of his ac- 
quaintance, it will be renovated every seventy thousandth 
hazarouam ; each hazarouam consisting of 12,000 years. 

These are a few of the many contradictory opinions of 
philosophers concerning the earth, and we find that the 
leai ned have had equal perplexity as to the nature of the 
sun. Some of the ancient philosophers have affirmed that 
it is a vast wheel of brilliant fire ;* others, that it is merely 
a mirror or sphere of transparent crystal ;f and a third 
class, at the head of whom stands Anaxagoras, maintained 
that it was nothing but a huge ignited mass of iron or 
stone — indeed, he declared the heavens to be merely a 
vault of stone, and that the stars were stones whirled up- 
wards from the earth, and set on fire by the velocity of its 
revolutions.^ But I give little attention to the doctrines 
of this philosopher, the people of Athens having fully re- 
futed them, by banishing him from their city; a concise 
mode of answering unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to 
in former days. Another sect of philosophers do declare, 
that certain fiery particles exhale constantly from the earth, 
which, concentrating in a single point in the firmament by 
day, constitute the sun, but being scattered and rambling 
about in the dark at night, collect \n various points, and 
form stars. These are regularly burnt out and extinguish- 
ed, not unlike to the lamps in our streets, and require a 
fresh supply of exhalations for the next occasion. § 

It is even recorded, that at certain remote and obscure 
periods, in consequence of a great scarcity of fuel, the 
sun has been completely burnt out, and sometimes not 
rekindled for a month at a time. A most melancholy 
circumstance, the very idea of which gave vast conceal to 

• Plut. de Plac. Philos. lib. ii. chap. 20 

+ Achill. Tat. Isag. cliap. 19. Aii Petav. t. iii. p. 81. Stob. Eclcr 
Phys. lib. i. p. 56. Plut. de Plac. Plulos. " 

4; Diogenes Laertiiis in Auaxag. 1. ii. sec. 8. Plat. Apol. t. i p 26 
Pint, de Plac. Philos. Xniopli. .^em. 1. iv. p. 815. 

i Aristot. Meteor. 1. ii. c. 2. Idem, Probl. src. 15. Stob. £cl. 
Phys. I. i. p. 55. Biuck. Hist. Pliil- t. i. p. 1154, &c. 

*2 



4 HISTORY OF 

Heraclitus, that worthy weeping philosopher of antiquity. 
In addition to these various speculations, it was the opi- 
nion of Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent, habitable 
abode; the light it furnishes arising from certain empyreal, 
luminous or phosphoric clouds, swimming in its transpa- 
rent atmosphere.* 

But we will not enter further at present into the nature 
of the sun, that being an inquiry not immediately necessary 
to the developement of this history; neither will we em- 
broil ourselves in any more of the endless disputes of phi- 
losophers touching the form of this globe, but content 
ourselves with the theory advanced in the beginning of 
this chapter, and will proceed to illustrate, by experiment, 
the complexity of motion therein ascribed to this our rota- 
tory planet. 

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead, as the 
name may be rendered into English) was long celebrated, 
in the university of Leyden, for most profound gravity of 
deportment, and his talent at going to sleep in the midst 
of examinations ; to the infinite relief of his hopeful stu- 
dents, who thereby worked their way through college 
with great ease and little study. In the course of one of 
his lectures, the learned professor, seizing a bucket of 
water, swung it round his head at arm's length ; the im- 
pulse with which he threw the vessel from him being a 
centrifugal force, the retention of his arm operating as a 
centripetal power, and the bucket, which was a substitute 
for the earth, describing a circular orbit round about the 
globular head and ruby visage of Professor Von Podding- 
coft, which formed no bad representation of the sun. All 
of these particulars were duly explained to the class of 
gaping students around him. He apprised them more- 
over, that the same principle of gravitation which retained 
the water in the bucket restrains the ocean from flying 
from the earth in its rapid revolutions; and he further 
informed ihem, that should the motion of the earth be 
suddenly checked, it would incontinently fall into the sun, 
through the centiipetal force of gravitation; a most ruin- 
ous event to this planet, Mn\ one which would also ob- 
scure, though it most probably would not extinguish, the 

• Philos. Trans. 1795, p. 72. Idem, 1804, p. 26*. Nich. Philos. 
Jouru. i. p. 13 



NEW YORK. 5 

solar luminary. An unlucky stripling, one of those va- 
grant geniuses who seem sent into the world merely to 
annoy worthy men of the puddiughead order, desirous of 
ascei-taining tiie correctness of the experiment, suddenly 
arrested the arm of the professor just at the moment that 
the hucket was in its zenith, which immediately descended 
witli astonisliino- precision on tiie philosophic head of tl>e 
instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a red-hot hiss, 
attended the contact, hut the theory was in the amplest 
manner illustrated, for the unfortunate bucket perished in 
the conflict: but the blazing countenance of PruAssor 
Von Poddinp^coft, emerged from amidst the waters, glow- 
ing fiercer than evei- with unutterable indignation where- 
by the students were marvellously edified, and departed 
considerably wiser than before. 

It is a mortifying circumstance, which greatly perplexes 
many a pains-taking philosopher, that nature often refuses 
to second his most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that 
often, after having invented one of the most ingenious and 
natural theories imaginable, she will have the perverseness 
to act directly in the teeth of his system, and flatly con- 
tradict his most favourite positions. This is a manifest 
and unmerited grievance, since it throws the censure of 
tiie vulgar and unlearned entirely upon the philosopher* 
whereas the fruit is not to be ascribed to his Iheoiy, which 
is unquestionably correct, but to the waywardness of dame 
nature, who with the proverbial fickleness of her sex, is 
continually indulging in coquetries and caprices, and seems 
really to take pleasure in violating all philosophic rules, 
and jilting the most learned and indefatigable of her 
adorers. Thus it happened with respect to the foiegoing 
satisfactory explanation of the motion of our planet; it 
appears that the centrifugal force has long since ceased to 
operate, while its antagonist remains in undiminished po- 
tency: the world therefore, according to the theory as it 
originally stood, ought, in strict propriety, to tumble into 
the sun — philosophers were convinced that it would do so, 
and awaited, in anxious impatience, the fulfilment of their 
prognostics. But the untoward planet pertinaciously con- 
tinued her course, notwithstanding that she had reason 
philosophy, and a whole university of learned professors 
opposed to her conduct. The philosophers took this i'l 
very ill part, and it is thought they would never have pa?- 



O HISTORY OF 

doned the slight and affront which they conceived put 
upon them hy the world, had not a good-natured professor 
kindly officiated as a mediator between the parties, and 
effected a reconciliation. 

Finding the world would not accommodate itself to the 
theory, he wisely determint^d to accommodate the theory 
to the world : he therefore informed his brother philoso- 
phers, that the circular motion of the earth round the sun 
was no sooner engendered, by the conflicting impulses 
above described, than it became a regular revolutit)n, in- 
dependent of the causes which gave it origin. His learned 
brethren readily joined in the opinion, being heartily glad 
of any explanation that would decently extricate them from 
embarrassment — and ever since that memorable era the 
world has been left to take her own course, and to revolve 
around the sun in such orbit as she thinks proper. 



CHAP. n. 

Cosmogony y or Creation of the World ; with a multitude 
of excellent Theories, hy rvhich the Creation of a Woildis 
shewn to be no such difficult matter as common Folks 

would imagine. 

Having thus briefly introduced my reader to the world, 
and given him some idea of its form and situation, he will 
naturally be curious to know from whence it came, and 
how it was created. And indeed the clearing up of these 
points is absolutely essential to my history, inasmuch as if 
this world had not been formed, it is mure than probable 
that this renowned island, on which is situated the city of 
New York, would never have had an existence. The 
regular course of my history, therefore, requires that I 
should proceed to notice the cosmogony or formation of 
this our globe. 

And now I give my readers fair warning, that I am 
about to plunge, for a chapter or two, into as complete a 
labyrinth as erer historian was perplexed withal ; there- 
fore, I advise them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep 
close at my heels, venturing neither to the right hand noi 
to the left, lest they get bemired in a slough of unintelligi- 



NEW YORK. 7 

ble learning, or have their brains knocked out by some of 
those hard Greek names which will be flying about in all 
directions. But should any of them be too indolent or 
chicken-hearted to accompany me in this perilous under- 
taking, they had better take a short cut round, and wait 
for me at the beginning of some smoother chapter. 

Of the creation of the world we have a thousand con- 
tradictory accounts; and though a very satisfactory one 
is furnished by divine revelation, yet every philosopher 
feels himself in honour bound to l^urnish us with a better. 
As an impartial historian, I consider it my duty to notice 
their several theories, by which mankind have been so 
exceedingly edified and instructed. 

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient sages, that 
the earth and the whole system of the universe was the 
deity himself;* a doctrine most strenuously maintained 
by Zenophanes and the whole tribe of Elealics, as also by 
Strato and the sect of peripatetic philosopheis. Pytha- 
goras likewise inculcated the famous numerical system of 
the monad, dyad, and tryad ; and by means of his sacred 
quaternary elucidated the formation of the world, the 
arcana of nature, and the principles both of music and 
morals.-}- Other sages adhered to the mathematical sys- 
tem of squares and triangles ; the cube, the pyramid, and 
the sphere; the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahe- 
dron, and the dodecahedron. J Wliile others advocated 
the great elementary theory, which refers the construction 
of oui' globe, and all that it contains, to the combinations 
of four material elements, air, earth, tire, and water ; with 
the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial and vivyfying 
principle. 

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic sysiem 
taught by old Moschus before the siege of Troy ; revived 
by Democritus of laughing memory ; improved by Epi- 
curus, that king of goi»d fellows; and modernised by the 
fanciful Descartes. But 1 decline inquiring, whether the 
atoms, of which the earth is said to be composed, are 
eternal or recent ; whether they are animate or inanimate j 

• Aristot. an. Cic. lib, i. cap. 3. 

+ Aristot. Metapii. lib. i. c. 5. Idem, de Ccelo, I. iii. c. !• Rousseau, 
Mem. siir. Musiqiie Ancien. p. 39. Plutarch de Pkc. Fhilos. lib. i. 
ia|). .1. 

t Tiiu. Lotr. ap. Plato, t. iii, p. 90, 



8 HISTORY or 

vhether, agreeably to the opinion of Atheists, they were 
fortuitously aggregated ; or, as the Theists maintain, were 
arranged by a supreme intelligence.* Whether, in fact, 
the earth be an insensate clod, or whether it be animated 
by a soul j-f- which opinion was strenuously maintained by 
a host of philosophers, at the head of whom stands the 
great Plato, that temperate sage, who threw the cold 
water of philosophy on the form of sexual intercourse, and 
inculcated the doctrine of Platonic love — an exquisitely 
refined intercourse, but much belter adapted to the ideal 
inhabitants of his imaginary island of Atlantis, than to the 
sturdy race, composed of rebellious flesh and blood, which 
populates the little matter of fact island we inhabit. 

Besides these systems, wc have, moreover, the poetical 
thcogony of old Hesiod, who generated the whole uni- 
verse in the regular mode of procreation ; and the plausi- 
ble opinion of others, that the earth was hatched from the 
great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and v/as cracked 
by the horns of the celestial bull. To illustrate this last 
doctrine, Burnet, in his theory of the earth,J has favoured 
us with an accurate drawing and description, both of the 
form and texture of this mundane egg ; which is found to 
bear a near resemblance to that of a goose. Such of my 
readers as take a proper interest in the origin of this our 
planet will be pleased to learn, that the most profound 
sages of antiquity, among the Egyptians, Chaldeans, Per- 
sians, Greeks, and Latins, have alteriiately assisted at the 
hatching of this strange bird; and that their cacklings 
have been caught, and continued in different tones and 
inflections, from philosopher to philosopher, unto the pre- 
sent day. 

But while briefly noticing long celebrated systems of 
ancient sages, let me not pass over, with neglect, those of 
other philosophers; which, though less universal than re- 
nowned, have equal claims to attention, and equal chance 
for correctness. Thus it is recorded by the Brahmins, in 
the pages of their inspired Shastah, that the angel Bist- 
noo transformed himself into a great boar, plunged into 



• Aristot. Nat. Auscull. 1. ii. rap. 6. Aiistoph. Metaph. lib. i. cap.3. 
Cic. dc Nat. Deor.Ub. i. cap. 10. Justin IMart.Oiat. ad Gent. p. 20. 

■f iMosht-im in Cudw. lib. i. can. 4. Tim. de Anim. Mund. ap. 
Plat. lib. iii. Mem. de I'Acud. Jes Bi>lle.s Letlres, I. xxxii. p 10, 
ct al. X Book i. ch. 5. 



NEW YORfe.. 

the watery abyss, and brought up the earth ou ../« tusks. 
Then issued from him a mighty tortoise, and a mighty 
snake; and Bistnoo placed the snake erect upon the back 
of the tortoise, and he placed the earth upon the head of 
the snake.* 

The Negro philosophers of Congo affirm, that the world 
was made by the hands of angels, excepting their own 
country, which the Supreme Being constructed himself, 
that it might be supremely excellent. And he took great 
pains with the inhabitants, and made them very black and 
beautiful ; and when he had finished the first man, he was 
well pleased with him, and smoothed him over the face, 
and hence his nose, and the nose of all his descendants, 
became flat. 

The Mohawk philosophers tell us, that a pregnant 
woman fell down from heaven, and that a tortoise took her 
upon its back, because every place was covered with 
water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the tortoise, 
paddled with her hands in the water, and raked up the 
earth, whence it finally happened that the earth became 
higher than the water.-|- 

But I forbear to quote a number more of these ancient 
and outlandish philosophers, whose deplorable ingorance, 
in despite of all their eriidition, compelled them to write 
in languages which but few of my readers can understand ; 
and I shall proceed briefly to notice a few more intelligible 
and fashionable theories of their modern successors. 

And first I shall mention the great BuflTon, who conject- 
tures that this globe was originally a globe of liquid fire, 
scintillated from the body of the sun, by the percussion of 
a comet, as a spark is generated by the collision of flint 
and steel. That at first it was surrounded by gross va- 
pours, which cooling and condensing in piocess of time. 
Constituted, according to their densities, earth, water, and 
air ; which gradually arranged themselves, according to 
their respective gravities, round the burning or vitrified 
mass that formed their centre. 

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the waters at 
first were universally paramount ; and he terrifies himself 
with the idea that the earth must be eventually washed 

* Homwell. Gent. Philosophy. 

+ Johannes Megapolensis, jun. Account of Marquaas or Mohawk 
ludians, 1644. 



10 HISTORY OF 

away by the force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents, 
nntil it is confounded with the ocean, or in other words, 
absolutely dissolves into itself. — Sublime idea ! far sur- 
passing that of the tender-hearted damsel of antiquity, 
who wept herself into a fountain; or the good dame of 
Karbonne in France, who, for a volubility of tongue un- 
usual in her sex, was doomed to peel tive hundred thou- 
sand and thirty-nine ropes of onions, and actually ran 
out at her eyes before half the hideous task was accom- 
plished. 

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher who rivalled 
Ditton in his researches after the longitude (for which the 
mischief-loving Swift discharged on their heads a most 
savoury stanza), has distinguished himself by a very ad- 
mirable theory respecting the earth. He conjectures that 
it was originally a chaotic cornet^ which, being selected for 
the abode of man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, 
and whirled round the sun in its present regular motion ; 
by which change of direction, order succeeded to confu- 
sion in the ari;angement of its component parts. The phi- 
losopher adds, that the deluge was produced by an nn- 
courteous salute from the watery tail of another comet j 
doubtless through sheer envy of its improved condition : 
thus furnishing a melancholy proof that jealousy may pre- 
vail even among the heavenly bodies, and discord inter- 
rupt that celestial harmony of the spheres, so melodiously 
sung by the poets. 

But I pass over a variety of excellent theories, among 
which are those of Burnet, and Woodward, and While- 
hurst J regretting extremely that my time will not sutler 
me to give them the notice they deserve — and shall con- 
clude with that of the renowned Dr. Darwin. This 
learned Theban, who is as much distinguished for rhyme 
as reason, and for good-natured credulity as serious re- 
search ; and who has recommended himself wondeifully 
to the good graces of the ladies, by letting them into all 
the gallantries, amours, debaucheries, and other topics of 
scandal of the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory 
worthy of his combustible imagination. According to his 
opinion, the huge mass of chaos took a sudden occasion 
to explode, like a barrel of gunpowder, and, in that act, 
exploded the sun — which, in its flight, by a similar con- 
vulsion, exnloded the earth— which in like guise exploded 



NEW YORK. 11 

the moon— and thus, by a concatenation of explosions, 
the whole solar system was produced, and set most sys- 
tematically in motion.* 

By the great variety of theories here alluded to, every 
one of which, if thoroughly examined, will he found sur- 
prisingly consistent in all its parts, my unlearned readers 
will perhaps be led to conclude, that the cieafion of a 
world is not so difficult a task as they at first imagined, 
I have shown at least a score of ingenious methods in 
which a world could be constructed ; and, I have no 
doubt, that had any of the philosophers above quoted the 
use of a good manageable comet, and the philosophical 
warehouse, chaos, at his command, he would engage to 
nianufactuie a planet as good, or, if you would take his 
word for it, better than this we inhabit. 

And here 1 cannot help noticing the kindness of Provi- 
dence, in creating comets for the great relief of bewildered 
philosophers. By their assistance more sudden evolutions 
and transitions are eftecte<l in the system of nature, than 
are wrought in a pantomimic exhibition, by the wonder- 
working sword of harlequin. Should one of our modern 
sages, in his theoretical flights among the stais, ever find 
himself lost in the clouds, and in danger of tumbling into 
the abyss of nonsense and absurdity, he has but to seize a 
comet by the beard, mount astride of its tail, and away he 
gallops in triumph, like an enchanter on his hipp;)grili', or 
a Connecticut witch on her broomstick, " to sweep the 
cobwebs out of the sky." 

It is an old and vulgar saying, about a " beggar on 
horseback," which I would not for the world have applied 
to these reverend philosophers : but 1 must confess, that 
some of them, when they are mounted on one of those 
fiery steeds, are as wild in their curvetlings as was Phae- 
ton of yore, when he aspired to manage the chariot of 
Phoebus. One drives his comet at full speed against the 
sun, and knocks the world out of him with the mighty 
concussion; another, more moderate, makes his comet a 
kind of beast of burthen, carrying the sun a regular supply 
of food and fagots j a third, of more combustible dispo- 
sition, threatens to throw his comet, like a bombshell, into 
the world, and blow it up like a powder magazine; while 

• Darw. Hot. Garden. Part I. Cant. i. 1. 105. 



12 HISTORY OF 

a fourth, with no great delicacy to this planet and its in- 
habitants, insinuates that some day or otlier his comet — 
my modest pen bhishes while I write it — shall absolutely 
turn tail upon our world and deluge it with water! — 
Surely, as 1 have already observed, comets were bounti- 
fully provided by Providence for the benefit of philoso- 
phers, to assist them in manufacturing theories. 

And now, having adduced several of the most prominent 
theories that occur to my recollection, I leave my judici- 
ous readers at full liberty to choose among them. They 
are all serious speculations of learned men— all differ es- 
sentially from each other — and all have the same title to 
belief. It has ever been the task of one race of philoso- 
phers to demolish the woiks of their predecessors, and 
elevate more splendid fantasies in their stead, which, in 
their turn, are demolished and replaced by the air-castles 
of a succeeding generation. Thus it would seem that 
knowledge and genius, of which we make such great pa- 
rade, consist but in detecting the errors and absurdities of 
those who had gone before, and devising new errors and 
absurdities, to be detected by those who are to come after 
us. Theories are the mighty soap-bubbles with which the 
grown-up children of science amuse themselves ; while 
the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid admiration, and 
dignify these learned vagaries with the name of wisdom ! 
— Surely Socrates was right in his opinion, that philoso- 
phers are but a soberer sort of madmen, busying them- 
selves in things totally incomprehensible, or which, if they 
could be comprehended, would be found not worthy the 
trouble of discovery. 

For my own part, until the learned have come to an 
agreement among themselves, I shall content myself with 
the account handed down to us by Moses; in which I do 
but follow the example of our ingenious neighbours of 
Connecticut ; who at their first settlement proclaimed, 
that the colony should be governed by the laws of God— 
until they had time to make better. 

One thing however appears certain— from the unanv 
mous authority of the before quoted philosophers, sup 
'ported by the evidence of our own senses (which, though 
very apt to deceive us, may be cautiously admitted as ad- 
ditional testimony), it appears, 1 say, and 1 make the as- 
sertion deliberately, without fear of contradiction, that thii 



NEW YORK. T3 

globe rtally was created, and that it is composed of land 
and water. It further appears that it is curiously divided 
and parcelled out into continents and islands, among which 
I boldly declare the renowned island of new York 
will be found by any one who seeks for it in its proper 
place. 



<f^ .*^ •M^ -^^ ^-^^ 



CHAP. III. 



How far that famous Navigator, Noah, was shamefully 
nicknamed ; and how he committed an unpardonable over- 
sight in not having Four Sons: with the great trouble 
of Philosophers caused thereby, and the Discovery of 

America. 

Noah, who is the first seafaring man we read of, begat 
three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japliet. Authors, it is true, 
are not wanting, who affirm that the patriarch had a num- 
ber of other children. Thus Berosus makes him father 
of the ^gautic Titans, Methodius gives him a son called 
Jonithus, or Jonicus (who was the first inventor of Johnny- 
cakes), and others have mentioned a son named Thuiscon, 
from whom descended the Teutons or Teutonic, or in 
other words the Dutch nation. 

1 regret exceedingly that the nature of my plan will not 
permit me to gratify the laudable curiosity vi my reader.", 
by investigating minutely the history of the great Moah. 
Indeed such an undertaking would be attended with more 
trouble than many people would imagine; for the good 
old patriarch seems to have been a great traveller in his 
day, and to have passed under a ditt'erent name in every 
country that he visited. The Chaldeans for instance give 
us his story, merely altering his name into Xisuthrus — 
a trivial alteration, which, to an historian skilled in ety- 
mologies, will appear wholly unimportant. It appears 
likewise, that he had exchanged his tarpawling and qua- 
drant among the Chaldeans, for the gorgeous insignia of 
royalty, and appears as a monarch in their annals. The 
Egyptians celebrate him under the name of Osiris ; the 
Indians as Menu ; the Greek and Roman writers con- 
t>und him with Ogyges, and the Theban with Deucalion 

c 



14 HISTORY or 

and Saturn. But the Chinese, who deservedly rank 
among the most extensive aud aiitbentic historians, inas- 
much as they hare known I he world much lousrer than 
any one else, dtx^lare that Nt^ah was no other than Fohi ; 
and wliat gives this assertion some air of ciedjbihty is, 
that it is a tact, admitted by the most enlisrbteued litei-ati, 
that Noah ti-avclled into China, at the time uf the building 
of tlie tower of Babel ^^pi\»bably to irapn.»ve himself m the 
study of lausruasres^, and the learned Dr. Shuckford ^ives 
us the additional information, that the aik i-ested on a 
mouutam on the fix»ntiei^ of China. 

From this mass of rational conjectures and sa«:e hypo- 
theses, many salisfactors deductions migiit be di-a\»n ; but 
I shall ct^nteut myself with the simple fact stated in the 
Bible, viz. that Nt.'ah begral three sons, Sl»em, Ham, and 
Japbet. It is astonishing on what remote and ubscnre 
continsrencies the sreat aflaii-s of this wuild depend, and 
bow events the most distant, and to the common obsei-ver, 
unconnected, are inevitably consequent the one to the 
other. It remains to the philosopher to discover these 
mysterious affinities, and is the ptondest triumph of his 
skill to detect an<l drag: forth sume latent chain of causa 
tiOD, which at tirsl sight appears a paradox to the inexpe- 
rienced observer. Thus many of my readers will doubt- 
less wonder, what connection the family of Noah can pos- 
sibly have with this history— and many will stare when 
informed th^t the whole history of this quarter of the 
world has taken its chai-acter an«.l course, from the simple 
ciixumstance of the patriarch's having but three sons- — 
but to explain. 

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible historians, 
becoming sole surviving heir aiul pi-oprietor of the earth, 
in fee simple, atler the deluge, like a good father, |K>rtioned 
out bis estate among h»s childi-en. To Sbem he gave 
Asia, to Ham Africa, aud to Japhct Europe. Now it is 
a thousand times to be lamented that he bad but three 
sons, fur had there been a fourth, he would doubtless have 
inherited Aracrii^ ; which of course would have been 
dragged forth from its obscurity on the ocosioD ; and 
thus many a baid- working historian and philosopher would 
have been spared a prodigious mass of weary conjectuie, 
respecting the first discovery and population of this couu- 
tr) . Noah, however, having provided for his three soos. 



NEW YORK. 15 

looked, in all probability, upon our country as mere wild, 
unsettled land, and said nothing about it, and to this un- 
pardonable taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe the 
misfortune, that America did not come into the world as 
early as the other quarters of the globe. 

It is true, some writers have vindicated him from this 
misconduct towards posterity, and asserted that he really 
did discover America. Thus it was the opinion of Marie 
Lescarbot, a French writer, possessed of that ponderosity 
of thought, and profoundness of reflection, so peculiar to 
his nation, that the immediate descendants of Noah peo- 
pled this quarter of (he globe, and that the old patriarch 
himself, who still retained a passion for the seafaring life, 
superintended the transmigration. The pious and enlight- 
ened father Charlevoix, a French Jesuit, remarkable for 
his aversion to the marvellous, common to all great travel- 
lers, is conclusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes still 
further, and decides upon the manner in which the disco- 
very was effected, which was by sea, and under the im- 
mediate direction of the great Noah. " 1 have already 
observed," exclaims the good father in a tone of becoming 
indignation, " that it is an arbitrary supposition that the 
grandchildren of Noah were not able to penetrate into the 
new world, or that they never thought of it. In effect, I 
can see no reason that can justify such a notion. Who 
can seriously believe that Noah and his immediate de- 
scendants knew less than we do, and that the builder and 
pilot of the greatest ship that ever was, a ship which was 
formed to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so many 
shoals and quicksands to guard against, should be igno- 
rant of, or should not have communicated to his descen- 
dants, the art of sailing on the ocean ? Therefore they did 
sail on the ocean — therefore they sailed to America — 
therefore America was discovered by Noah ! 

[Vow all this exquisite chain of reasoning, which is so 
strikingly characteristic of the good father, being addressed 
to the faith, rather than to the understanding, is flatly 
Apposed by Hans de Laet, who declares it a real and most 
ridiculous paradox^ to suppose that Noah ever entertained 
the thought of discovering America ; and as Hans is a 
Dutch writer, I am inclined to believe he must have been 
much better acquainted with the worthy crew of the ark, 
than his competitors, and of course possessed of more 

C2 



16 HISTORY or 

accurate sources of hiformatioi). It is astuiiisliitig how 
intimate historians do daily become with the patriarchs and 
•stlier great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves with 
time, and as the iearncii are particularly inquisitive and 
familiar in their acquaintance with the ancients, I should 
not be surprised, if some future writers should gravely 
give us a picture of men and manners as they existed 
before the Hood, far more copious and accuiate than the 
Bible ; and that, in the course of another century, the 
log-book of the good Noah should be as current among 
historians, as the voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned 
history of Robinson Crusoe. 

1 shall not occupy my time by discussing the huge mass 
of additional suppositions, conjectures, and probabilities 
respecting the first discovery of this country, with which 
unhappy historians overloaded themselves, in their endea- 
vours to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous world. It 
is painful to see these laborious wights panting and toil- 
ing and sweating under an enormous burden, at the very 
outset of their works, which, on being opened, turns out to 
be nothing but a mighty bundle of straw. As, however, 
by unwearied assiduity, they seem to have established the 
fact, to the satisfaction of all the world, that this country 
has been discovered, I shall avail myself of their useful 
labours to be extremely brief upon this point. 

I shall not stop therefore to inquire, whether America 
\»as first discovered by a wandering vessel of that cele- 
brated Phcenician fleet, which, according to Herodotus, 
circumnavigated Africa; or by that Carthaginian expedi- 
tion, which Pliny, the naturalist, informs us, discovered 
the Canary Islands ; or whether it was settled by a tem- 
porary colony from Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle, and Se- 
neca. 1 shall neither enquire whether it was first disco- 
vered by the Chinese, as Voscius with great shrewdness 
advances, nor by the Norwegians in 1002, under Biron ; 
nor by Behem, the German navigator, as Mr. Otto has 
endeavoured to prove to the S9avans of the learned city 
of Philadelphia. 

Nor shall I investigate the more modern claims of the 
Welsh, founded on the voyage of Prince Madoc in the 
eleventh century, who having never returned, it has since 
been wisely concluded that he must have gone to Ame- 
rica, and that for a plain reason — if he did not go there, 



NEW YORK. 17 

where else could he have ^one ? — a question whicij, most 
Socralically, shuts out all further dispute. 

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures above men- 
tioned, with a multitude of others equally satisfactory, I 
shall take for granted the vulgar opinion, that America 
was discovered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Cluisto- 
vallo Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily nicknamed 
Columbus, but for what reason I cannot discern. Of the 
voyages and adventures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, 
seeing that they are already sufficiently known. Nor 
shall 1 undertake to prove that this country should have 
been called Colonia, after his name, that being notoriously 
self-evident. 

Having thus happily got my readers on this side of the 
Atlantic, I picture them to myself, all impatient to enter 
upon the enjoyment of the land of promise, and in full 
expectation that 1 will immediately deliver it into their pos- 
session. But if 1 do, may I ever forfeit the reputation of 
a reguhir bred historian. No — no — most curious and 
thrice learned readers (for thrice learned ye are if ye have 
read all that has gone before, and nine times learned shall 
ye be if ye lead that comes after), we have yet a world of 
work before us. Think you the first discoverers of this 
fair quarter of the globe had nothing to do but go on siiore 
and find a country ready laid out and cultivated like a 
garden, wheiein they might revel at their ease? No such 
thing — they had forests to cut down, underwood to grub 
up, marshes to drain, and savages to exterminate. 

In like manner I have sundry doubts to clear away, 
questions to resolve, and paradoxes to explain, before I 
permit you to range at random j but these difficulties once 
overcome, we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily 
through the rest of our history. Thus my work shall, in 
a manner, echo the nature of the subject, in the same 
manner as the sound of poetry has been found by certain 
shrewd critics to echo the sense — this being an improve- 
ment in history, which I claim the merit of having; 
invented. 



18 HISTORY OF 



CHAP. IV. 

Showing the great difficulty Philosophers have had in 
peopling America — and how the Aborigines came to 
be begotten by accident, to the great relief and satisfaction 

of the Author. 

The next inquiry at which we arrive in the regular 
course of our history, is to ascertain, if possible, how tlivs 
country was originally peopled ; a point fruitful of 
incredible embarrassments : for unless we prove that the 
aborigines did absolutely come from somewhere, it will be 
immediately asserted in this age of sce{)ticism, that they 
did not come at all; and if they did not come at all, tlien 
was this country never populated — a conclusion perfectly 
agreeable to the rules of logic, but wholly irreconcileable to 
every feeling of humanity, inasmuch as it must syllo- 
gistically prove fatal to the innumerable aborigines of this 
populous region. 

i'o avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue from logical 
annihilation so many millions of fellow-creatures, how 
many wings of geese have been plundered ! what oceans 
of ink have been benevolently drained ! and how many 
capacious heads of learned historians have been addled 
and for ever confounded ! I pause with reverential awe, 
when I contemplate the ponderous tomes in different lan- 
guages, with which they have endeavoured to solve this 
question, so important to the happiness of society, but so 
involved in clouds of impenetrable obscurity. Historian 
after historian has engaged in the endless circle of hy- 
pothetical argument, and after leading us a weary chase 
through octavos, quartos, and folios, has let us out at the 
end of his work, just as wise as we were at the beginning. 
It was, doubtless, some philosophical wild-goose chase of 
the kind, that made the old poet Macrobius rail in such a 
passion at curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily 
as " an irksome, agonizing care, a superstitious industry 
about unprofitable things, an itching humour to see what 
is not to be seen, and to be doing what signifies nothing 
when it is done." But to proceed : 

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the original 
population of this country I shall say nothing, as tliey 



NEW YORK. 19 

have already been touched upon in my last chapter. The 
claimants next in celebrity are the descendants of Abraham. 
Thus Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Columbub), when 
he first discovered the gold mines of Hispaniola, — imme- 
diately concluded, with a shrewdness that would have done 
honour to a philosopher, that he had found the ancient 
Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the gold for 
embellishing the temple at Jerusalem : nay, Colon even 
imagfined that he saw the remains of furnaces of veritable 
Hebraic construction, employed in refining the precious ore. 

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such fascinating 
extravagance, was too tempting not to be immediately 
snapped at by the gudgeons of learning ; and accordingly, 
there were divers profound writers ready to swear to its 
correctness, and to bring in their usual load of authorities 
and wise surmises, wherewithal to prop it up. Vatablus 
and Robertus Stephens declared nothing could be more 
clear : Arius Montanus, without the least hesitation, as- 
serts that Mexico was the true Opliir, and the Jews the 
early settlers of the country •, while Possevin, Becan, and 
several other sagacious writers, lug in a supposed pro- 
phecy of the fourth book of Esdras, which being inserted 
in the mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an arch, 
gives it, in their opinion, perpetual durability. 

Scarce, however, have they completed their goodly 
superstructure, than in trudges a phalanx of opposite 
authors, with Hans de Laet, the great Dutchman, at their 
head 5 and at one blow tumbles the whole fabric about 
their ears. Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the 
Israelitish claims to the first settlements of this country, 
attributing all those equivocal symptoms, and traces of 
Christianity and Judaism, which have been said to be 
found in divers provinces of the New World, to the Devily 
who has always affected to counterfeit the worship of the 
true Deity. " A remark," says the knowing old Padre 
d'Acosta, " made by all good authors who have spoken 
of the religion of nations newly discovered, and founded 
besides on the authority of the fathers of the church!''' 

Some writers again, among whom it is with great regret 
I am compelled to mention Lopez de Gomai'a and Juan 
de Leri, nisinuate that the Canaanites being driven from 
the land of promise by the Jews, were seized with such a 
panic, that they fled, without looking behind them, until. 



*0 HISTORY OF 

stopping to take breath, they found themselves safe iti 
America. As they brought neither their national lan- 
guage, manners, nor features with them, it is supposed 
they left them behind in the hurry of their flight. 1 can- 
not give my faith to this opinion. 

I pass over the supposition of tne learned Grotius, who 
being both an amitassador and a Dutchman to boot, is 
entitled to great respect •, that North America Mas peo- 
pled by a strolling company of Norwegians, and that 
Peru was founded by a colony from China — Manco, or 
Mungo Capac, the first Incas, being himself a Chinese. 
Nor shall 1 more than barely mention, that father Kir- 
cher ascribes the settlertient of America to the Egyptians, 
Budbeck to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls, 
Juffredues Pteri to a skaiting party from Friseland, Milius 
to the Celta, Marinocus the Sicilian to the Romans, Le 
Corate to the Phoenicians, Pos-tel to tlie Moors, Martin 
d'Agleria to the Abyssiniaiis, together with the sage surmise 
of De Laet, that England, li eland, and the Orcades, may 
contend for that honour. 

Nor will I bestow any more attention or credit to the 
idea that America is the fairy region of Zipangri, described 
by that dreaming traveller Marco Polo the Venetian ; or 
that it comprises the visionary island of Atlantis, described 
by Plato. Neither will 1 stop to investigate the heathenish 
assertion of Paracelsus, that each hemisphere of the globe 
was originally furnished with an Adam and Eve ; or the 
more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, supported by 
many nameless authorities, that Adnm was of the Indian 
race ; or the startlitig conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, 
and Darwin, so highly honourable to mankind, that the 
whole human species is accidentally descended from a 
remarkable family of the monkeys 1 

This last conjecture, I must own, came npon me very 
suddenly and very ungraciously. I have ofLen beheld the 
clown in a pantomine, while gazing in stupid wonder at 
the extravagant gambols of a harlequin, all at once elec- 
trified by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword across his 
shoulders. Little did I think at such times that it would 
ever fall to my lot to be treated with equal discourtesy, 
and that while 1 was quietly beholding these grave philo- 
sophers emulating the eccentric transformations of the 
h«ro of pantomime, they would on a sudden turn upon me 



NEW YORK. 



21 



and my readers, and with one hypothetical flourish meta- 
morphise us into beasts ! 1 determined from that moment 
not to burn my fingers with any more of their theories, 
but content myself with detailing the different methods by 
which they transported the descendants of these ancient 
and respectable monkeys to this great field of theoretical 

warfare. . , , j * 

This was done either by migrations by land or trans- 
migrations by water. Thus Padre Joseph d'Acosta enu- 
merates three passages by land, first by the north of Eu- 
rope, secondly by the north of Asia, and thirdly by 
re"-ions southward of the straits of Magellan. The learned 
Grotius marches his Norwegians by a pleasant route across 
frozen rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland, Green- 
land, Estotiland, and Naremberga. And various writers, 
among whom are Angleria, De Hornn, and Bufton, anxious 
for the accommodation of these travellers, have fastened the 
two continents together by a strong chain of deductions— 
by which means they should pass over dryshod. But 
should even this failj Pinkerton, that industrious old 
gentleman, who compiles books and manutactures Geo- 
graphies, has constructed a natural bridge of ice, from 
continent to continent, at the distance of four or five miles 
from Behring's straits— for which he is entitled to the 
grateful thanks of all the wandering aborigines who ever 
did or ever will pass over it. 

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none of the 
worthy writers above quoted, could ever commence his 
work, without immediately declaring hostilities against 
every writer who had treated of the same subject. In this 
particular, authors may be compared to a certain sagacious 
bird, which in building its nest is sure to pull to pieces the 
nests of all the birds in its neighbourhood. This unhappy 
propensity lends grievously to impede the progress of 
sound knowledge. Theories are at best but brittle pro- 
ductions, and when once committed to the stream, they 
should take care that like its notable pots which were 
fellow-voyagers, they do not crack each other. 

For my part, when I beheld the sages 1 have quoted 
gravely accounting for unaccountable things, and discouvs- 
ing thus wisely about matters for ever hidden from then- 
eyes, like a blind man describing the glories of light, and 



^2 HISTORY OF 

U^n^^?!? ^""^ ''^•'™""y °^ ^°^^"''^> J ^«" back in astonish, 
ment at the amazing extent of human ingenuity 

If, cned I to myself, these learned men can weave whole 
systems out of nothing, what would be their produces 
were they furmshed with substantial materials-if they can 
argue and dispute thus ingeniously about subjects beyond 
hen- knowledge what would be the profundity of C 
observations, did they but know what they were talking 
about! Should old Rhadamanthus, wheif he comes "^ 
decide upon their conduct while on earth, have the Tea t 
ideaof thenselessness of their labours, he will undoubted y 
dass hem wuh those notorious wise men of Gotham/who 
milked a bull, twisted a rope of sand, and wove a velvet 
purse from a sow's ear. ^eivet 

My chief surprise is, that among the many writers I 
have noticed, no one has attempted to prove that this 
country was peopled from the moon~or that the fim 

cinioe about the northern oceans— or that they were 

fiom Dover to Calais— or by witchcraft, as Simon Mas^us 
posted among the stars-or after the maZr of ?he 
renowned Scythian Abaris, who, like the New Endand 
Witches on full-blooded broomsticks made most unSd of 

Cx:l^ A^'oi'. ^^ ^ ^^'^- --> ^^- h^- by'ht 

rn.ddS,*^"'^' '^'" ''"f ™°^^ '^^^ by which this country 
could have been peopled, which I have reserved for the 
last because I consider it worth all the rest • it is— A« 
acc^dent! Speakmg of the islands of So omon, ^t^ 

. bse"::: '"In'^fiiTe-^a^'lTh'' ^'^ ^''^'^""^ ^^^•^^'- ^^^'--^ 
uuse ves, in tine, all these countries are peooled and if 

could have happened in that manner, why ml<rht it not 
have been at the same time, and by the Jme ^eani w th 
the other parts of the globe ?" This ingeniour3e of 
deducing certam conclusions from possible premise is an 

mprovement m syllogistic skill,' and proved the gooS 
father superior even to Archimedes, for he can turn the 
world without any thing to rest his le'ver .pon I isonly 
j'rn ^y ^h^<^^'^^-'•ity with which the study od 
Jesuil, m another place, cuts the gordian knot-" Nothing '» 



HISTORY or 23 

says he, ** is more easy. The inhabitants of both hemi- 
spheres are certainly tlie descendants of the same father. 
The common father of mankind received an express order 
^from Heaven to people the world, antj accordingly it has 
been peopled. To bring^ this about, it was necessary to 
overcome all difficulties in the way, and they have also 
been overcome /" Pious logician ! How does he put all 
the herd of laborious theorists to the blush, by explaining 
in five ^'ords, what it has cost them volumes to prove they 
knew nothing about ! 

They have long been picking at the lock, and fretting 
at the latch, but the honest father at once unlocks the door 
by bursting it open, and when he has it once a-jar, he is at 
full liberty to pour in as many nations as he pleases. 
Tins proves to a demonstration that a little piety is better 
than a cart-load of philosophy, and is a practical illustra- 
tion of that scriptural promise — " By faith ye shall move 
mountains."' 

From all the authorities here quoted, and a variety of 
others which 1 have consulted, but which are omitted 
through fear of fatiguing the unlearned reader — I can 
only draw the following conclusions, which, luckily how- 
ever, are sufficient for my purpose — First, That this part 
of the world has actually been peopled (Q. E. D.) : to 
support which we have living proofs in the numerous 
tribes of Indians that inhabit it. Secondly, That it has 
been peopled in five hundred different ways, as proved by 
a cloud of authors, who from the positiveness of their 
assertions, seem to have been eye-witnesses to the fact. — 
Thirdly, That the people of this country had a variety of 
fathersy which, as it may not be thought much to tbeu* 
credit by the common run of readers, the less we say 
on the subject the better. The question therefore, 1 trust, 
is for ever at rest. 

•^^^^ *^,^^^~^ 

CHAP. V. 

In which the Author puts a mighty Question to the rouf^ 
by the assistance of the Man in the Moon — which not 
only delivers thousands of people from great embarrass, 
fnenty but likewise concludes this Introductory Book. 

The writer of a history may, in some respects, be likened 
uiitv) an advciiturous knight, who having undertaken a 



^4 HISTORY OF 

peritons enterprise by way of establishing' his fame, feels 
bound in honour and chivahy, to turn back for no difficulty 
nor hardship, and never to shrink or quail, whatever 
enemy he may encounter. Under this impression, I 
resolutely draw my pen, and fall to with might and main, 
at those doughty questions and subtle paradoxes, which, 
like fiery dragons and bloody giants, beset the entrance to 
my history, and would fain repulse me from the very 
threshold. And at this moment a gigantic question has 
started up, which I must needs take by the beard and 
utterly subdue, before I can advance another step in my 
historic undertaking — but I trust this will be the last 
adversary I shall have to contend with, and that in the 
next book 1 shall be enabled to conduct my readers in 
triumph into the body of my work. 

The question which has thus suddenly arisen, is, What 
rigl)t had the first discoverers of America to land and take 
possession of a country, without first gaining the consent 
of its inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate compensa- 
tion for their territory ? — a question which has withstood 
many fierce assaidts, and has given much distress of mind 
to multitudes of kind-hearted folks. And indeed, until 
it be totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy 
people of America can by no means enjoy the soil they 
inhabit, with clear right and title, and quiet unsullied 
consciences. 

The first source of right, by which property is acquired 
in a country, is discovery. For as all mankind have an 
equal right to any thing which has never before been 
appropriated ; so any nation that discovers an uninhabited 
country, and takes possession thereof, is considered as 
enjoying full property, and absolute unquestionable empire 
therein.* 

This proposition being admitted, it follows clearly, that 
the Evu'opeans who first visited America, were the real 
discoverers of the same ; nothing being necessary to the 
establishment of this fact, but simply to prove that it was 
totally uninhabited by man. This would at first appear to 
be a point of some difficulty, for it is well known, that this 
quarter of the world abounded with certain animals, that 
walked erect on two feet; had something of the human 

• Grotius. Puffendorf, b. v. c. 4. Vattel ,b. i. c. 18, &c. 



NEW YORK 



25 



countenance ; uttered certain unintelligible sounds, very 
much like language ; in short, had a marvellous re- 
semblance to human beings. But the zealous and 
enli-btened fathers, who accompanied the discoverers, tor 
the 'purpose of promoting the kingdom of heaven, by 
establishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth, soon 
cleared up this point, greatly to the satisfaction of his 
holiness the pope, and of all Christian voyagers and 
discoverers. . ,. 

They plainly proved, and as there were no Indian 
writers arose on the other side, the fact was considered as 
fully admitted and established, that the two-legged race of 
animals before mentioned were mere cannibals, detestable 
monsters, and many of them giants ; which last description 
of vagrants have, since the times of Gog, Magog, and 
Goliath, been considered as outlaws, and have received no 
quarter in either history, chivalry, or song. Indeed, even 
the philosophic Bacon declared the Americans to be people 
proscribed by the laws of nature, inasmuch as they had a 
barbarous custom of sacrificing men, and feeding upon 

man's flesh. , . , , u • 

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter barbarism ; 
among many other writers of discernment, Ulloa tells us, 
" their imbecility is so visible that one can hard y form an 
idea of them different from what one has of the brutes. 
Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls, equally 
insensible to disasters and to prosperity. 1 hough halt 
naked, they are as contented as a monarch m his most 
splendid array. Fear makes no impression on them, and 
respect as little."— All this is furthermore supported by the 
authority of M. Bouguer. « It is not easy," " says he, 
« to describe the degree of their indifference for wealth 
and all its advantages. One does not well know what 
motives to propose to them, when one would persuade 
them to any service. It is vain to offer them money, they 
answer that they are not hungry." And Vanegas confirms 
the whole, assuring us, "ambition they have none, 
and are more desirous of being thought strong than 
valiant The objects of ambition with us, honour, tame, 
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions, are unknown 
among them. So that this powerful spring of action, the 
cause of so much seeming good and real evil m the world, 
has no power over them. In a word, these unhappy 



26 

HISTORY OF 



<o immortal hoLur^ Z^llt^'" TV '^''^'' P»'«-s«ors 
rigid and absfem ois n,axll^ 'tt"''^ '" P'"^^*^"^ ^'^-- 
wliich acquired ccrHin rW? r '. ! """'^ ^^"^'»K about 
and philoLphersP;; wtf^^,^^^ -put.tion Sf sages 
present instance/ to beroke„ « 7 ^'^^' 'y P'oved, in the 
nature, totally beneath the hV ''.^•^""' ^"^ ''•"''^^d 

benevolent fathers vvo I^^H f " '^'^'^''^^- But the 
unhappy savager/nt^l^b' b^ea t^'b dinJ^of^"'" ''"^ 

Americans ^onaL and r^ "'' T' ^"""«' ^^'-^ ^^e 
nothing," sfysLullus "of r' ""^ ^^^^'d*!-" They have 
the mask.-ZAnd even iLt 'f ""^'^ ^"'•"^'' ^'^<^-Pt 
them but little, Lt"va,sorf T. ""^'"^^ ^« «^-'' 
hideous copper^om;L:L!!: dt"; of ''? "'""^ "^ ^ 
plexion, ,t was all the same a^ if i.^ ^'P'''^'' ^«"^- 

negroes are black, «a, rblacl " i ri^ "^^'"^^^-•^"d 
devoutly crossing them elves "i: tl ^'^^ ^'^"^ ^^"^^'•«' 
Therefore, so faf from te . ^ ablTo""'" "' *'" ^^^'^ '' * 
had no right even to perso fal freedoJ? ^^T'''^^- ^''^^ 
radiant a deity to inhabifHf . ' ^*"' ''^^'^^ '« '«« 
^hich nrcumsfa. L li ,v '' ^^""""V ^^"^P'^«- A" 

followers of Cortes and fc'4?hiVr^ ^'" ''^-''^-^^ 
no title to the soil thaf ht \- f*"^"^ ""«*^''^a"ts had 

perverse, illiterate ili'^Sdl^r^^^^^^^ -- ^ 

beasts of the forests and I ti .^ Olack-seed ^mcre wild 
subdued or extermhmted '''"" '^^"'^ ^'^^er be 

oth^re^tllrSlS and a variety of 

^as clearly evident tha^' Thii f '■'''^"' ^^ ^"""'erate, it 

-hen first .'isited by Europea^^s"'"rV"' *'^ ^'"^-' 
•"habited by nothing btwil7^ ^ ^''"''^"^ wilderness 
transatlantic visitor acouiedT '^'''' ^"^ ^^at the 

therein, ^. Me nylL/SC;"'"^'"'"^*^'^ P-P-^X 

cultivation of the soi^' we IT, 'j^ ^r/'-«'^»^- "The 
>™Posed by nature on mankind V^h%'", "^''^"l'^'" 

apponued tw the „our.hnJ;;ir itJ!::,:!;;;^: -j^:;,:^ 



NEW YORK. 27 

would be incapable of doing it, was it uncultivated. Every 
nation is then obliged by the law of nature to cultivate 
the ground that has fallen to its share. Those people, like 
the ancient Germans and modern Tartars, who, having 
fertile countries, disdain to cultivate the earth, and choose 
to live by rapine, are wanting to themselves, and deserve 
to be exterminated as savage and pernicious beasts* 

Now it is notorious, that the savages knew nothing of 
agriculture, when first discovered by the Europeans, but 
lived a most vagabond, disorderly, unrighteous life, — 
rambling from place to place, prodigally rioting upon 
the spontaneous luxuries of nature, without tasking her 
generosity to yield them any thing more •, whereas it has 
been most unquestionably shown, that Heaven intended 
the earth should be ploughed, and sown, and manured, and 
laid out into cities and towns, and farms, and country 
seats, and pleasure grounds, and public gardens, all which 
the Indians knew nothing^ about— therefore they did not 
improve the talents Providence had bestowed on them— 
therefore they were careless stewards— therefore they had 
no right to the soil— therefore they deserved to be exter- 
minated. 

It is true the savages might plead that they drew all 
the benefits from the land which then- simple wants requned 
—they found plenty of game to hunt, which, together 
with the roots and uncultivated fiuils of the earth, 
furnished a sufficient variety for their frugal repasts ',— 
and that as Heaven merely designed the earth to form the 
abode, and satisfy the wants of man ; so long as those 
purposes were answered, the will of Heaven was accom- 
plished.— But this only proves how undeserving they were 
of the blessings around them— they were so much the more 
savages for not having more wants ; for knowledge is ui 
. some degree an increase of desires, audit is this superiority 
both in the number and magnitude of his desires, that 
distinguishes the man from the beast. Therefore the 
Indians, in not having more wants, were very unreasonable 
animals ; and it was but just that they should make way for 
the Europeans, who had a thousand wants to their one, and 
therefore would turn the earth to more account, and by 
cultivating it more truly fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides 
— Grotius, and Lauterbach, and PufFendorf, and Titius, and 

• Va'tel b i c. 17. See likewise Grotius, Puflfendoif, &c. 
' D 2 



28 



HISTORY OF 



many wise men beside, who have considered the matter 
pioperly, have determined, that the property of a country 
cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood, or drawing 
water in it— nothing but precise deniiucation of limits, 
and the intention of cultivation, can establish the posses- 
sion. Now as the savages (probably from never having 
read the authors above quoted) had never complied with 
any of these necessary forms, it plaiuly followed that they 
had no right to the soil, but that it was completely at the 
disposal of the first comers, who had more knowledge, 
more wants, and more elegant, that is to say, artificial 
desires, than themselves. 

In entering upon a newly discovered uncultivated coun- 
try, therefore, the new comers were but taking possession 
of what, according to the aforesaid doctrine, was their own 
property— therefore in opposing them, the savages were 
nivading their just rights, infringing the immutable laws 
of natuie, and counteracting rhe will of Heaven— there 
fore they were guilty of impiety, burglary, and trespass 
on the case— theietore they were hardened offenders 
asamst God and man— therefore they ought to be exter- 
minated. 

But a more irresistible right than either that I have 
mentioned, and the one which will be the most readily 
admitted by my reader, provided he be blessed with bowels 
of chanty and philanthropy, is the right acquired by 
civilization. All the world knows the lamentable state in 
which these poor savages were found. Not only deficient 
in the comforts of life, but what is still worse, most 
piteously and unfortunately blind to the miseries of their 
situation. But no sooner did the benevolent inhabitants 
of Europe behold their sad condition, than they imme- 
diately went to work to ameliorate and improve it. Tliey 
introduced among them rum, gin, brandy, and the other 
comforts of life— and it is astonishing to read how soon 
the poor savages learnt to estimate these blessings • they 
likewise made known to them a thousand remedies, by 
which the most inveterate diseases are alleviated ' and 
healed ; and that they might comprehend the benefits and 
enjoy the comforts of these medicines, tiiev previously 
introdued among them the diseases which they were 
calculated to cure. By the.^e and a vaiietv of other 
methods was the condition of these poor savag'es wpnder- 



NEW YORK. 



29 



fully improved ; they acquired a thousand wants of which 
they had before been ignorant, and as he has most 
sources of happiness who has most wants to be gratified, 
they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier race of 

beings. ..... , 

But the most important branch of civdization, and 
which has most strenuously been extolled by the zealous 
and pious fathers of the Romish Church, is the introduc- 
tion of the Christian faith. It was truly a sight that might 
well inspire horror, to behold these savages, stumbhng 
among the dark mountains of paganism, and guilty of the 
most horrible ignorance of religion. It is true, they 
neither stole nor defrauded ; they were sober, frugal, conti- 
nent, and faithful to their word •, but though they acted 
right habitually, it was all in vain, unless they acted so 
from precept. The new comers therefore used every 
method, to induce them to embrace and practise the true 
religion---except indeed that of setting them the example. 

But notwitiistanding all these complicated labours for 
their good, such was the unparalleled obstinacy of these 
stubborn wretches, that they ungratefully refused to 
acknowledge the strangers as their benefactors, and 
persisted in disbelieving the doctrines they endeavoured to 
inculcate ; most insolently alleging, that from their conduct, 
the advocates of Christianity did not seem to believe m it 
themselves. Was not this too much for human patience ? 

would not one suppose that the benign visitants from 

Europe, provoked at their incredulity, and discouraged by 
their stiff-necked obstinacy, would for ever have aban- 
doned their shores, and consigned them to their original 
ignorance and misery ? — But no— so zealous were they to 
etfcct the temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these 
pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from the milder 
means of persuasion to the more painful and troublesome 
one of persecution — let loose among them whole troops 
of fiery monks and furious bloodhounds — purified them by 
fire aiid sword, by stake and fagot ; in consequence of 
which indefatigable measures, the cause of Christian love 
and charity was so rapidly advanced that, in a very few 
years, not one-fifth of the number of unbelievers existed 
in South America, that were found there at the time of its 
discovery. 

What stronger right need the European settlers advance 



30 »ii8Tottv or 

to the country than this ? Have not whole nations of unin- 
foi'med savages been made acquainted with a thousand 
imperious wants and indispensable comforts, of which they 
were before wholly ignorant ?— Have they not been literally 
hunted and smoked out of the dens and lurking places of 
ignorance and intidelity, and absolutely scourged into the 
right path?— Have not the temporal things, the vain 
baubles and tilthy lucre uf this world, which were too apt 
to engage their worldly and selfish thoughts, been benevo- 
lently taken from them ? and have they not, instead thereof, 
been tauglit to set their affections on things above ? — And 
tinally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish father, in a 
letter to his superior in Spain — " Can any one have the 
presumption to say, that these savage pagans ha^■e yielded 
any thing more than an inconsiderable recompense to their 
benefactors, in surrendering to them a little pitiful tract 
of this dirty sublunary planet, in exchange for a glorious 
inheritance in the kingdom of Heaven ?" 

Here then are three complete and undeniable souices 
of right established, any one of which was more than ample 
to establish a property in the newly discovered regions 
of America. Now, so it has happened in certain parts of 
this delightful quarter of the globe, that the right of disco- 
very has been so strenuously asserted, the influence of 
cultivation so industriously extended, and the progress of 
salvation and civilization so zealously prosecuted j that, 
what with their attendant wars, persecutions, oppressions, 
diseases, and «ther partial evils that often hang on the 
skirts of great benefits, the savage aborigines have, some 
how or another, been utterly annihilated ; and this all at 
once brings me to a fourth right, which is worth all the 
others put together : for the original claimants to the soil 
being all dead and buried, and no other remaining to inherit 
or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the next immediate 
occupants, entered upon the possession as clearly as the 
hangman succeeds to the clothes of the malefactor — and 
as they have Blackstone,* and all the learned expounders 
of the law, on their side, they may set all actions of eject- 
ment at detiance — and this last right may be entitled the 
RIGHT HY EXTF.RMINATION, Or iu other words the 

KlUHT BY GUNPOWDER. 

* Bl, Com. b. ii.c. 1. 



NhW YORK. 31 

But lest any scruples of conscience should remain ou 
this head, and to settle the question of right for ever, his 
holiness Pope Alexander VI. issued a niia^hty bull, by 
which he generously granted the newly discovered quarter 
of the globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who, thus 
having law and gospel on their side, and being infl<i'.ued 
with great spiritual zeal, showed the pagan savages neither 
favour nor affection, but prosecuted the work of discovery, 
colonization, civilization, and extermination, with ten times 
more fury than ever. 

Thus were the European worthies who first discovered 
America clearly entitled to the soil; and not only entitled 
to the soil, but likewise to the eternal thanks of these 
infidel savages, for having come so far, endured so many 
perils by sea and land, and taken such unwearied pains, 
for no other purpose but to improve their forlorn, uncivi- 
lized, and heathenish condition — for having made them 
acquainted with the comforts of life — for having introduced 
among them the light of religion; and, finally, for having 
hurried them out of the world, to enjoy its rewaad ! 

But as argument is never so well understood by us 
selfish mortals, as when it comes home to ourselves, and as 
I am particularly anxious that this question should be put 
to rest for ever, 1 will suppose a parallel case, by way of 
arousing the candid attention of my readers. 

Let us suppose then, that the inhabitants of the moori, 
by astonishing advancement in science, and by a profound 
insight into that ineffable lunar philosophy, the mere flick- 
erings of which have of late years dazzled the feeble optics, 
and addled the shallow brains, of the good people of our 
globe — let us suppose, I say, that the inhabitants of the 
moon, by these means, had arrived at such a command of 
their energies., such an enviable slate of perfectibility., as 
to control the elements, and navigate the boundless regions 
of space. Let us suppose a roving crew of these soaring 
philosophers, in the course of an aerial voyage of disco- 
very among the stirs, should chance to alight upon this 
outlandish planet. 

And here 1 beg my readers will not have the uncharita- 
bleness to smile, as is too frequently the fault of volatile 
readers, when perusing the grave speculations of philoso- 
phers. I am far from indulging in any sportive vein at 
present 3 nor is the supposition 1 have been making, so 



32 HISTORY OF 

wild as many may deem it. It has long been a very 
serious and anxious question with me, and many a time and 
oft, in the course of my overwhelming cares and contri- 
vances for the welfare and protection of this my native 
planet, have I lain awake whole nights, debating in my 
mind, whether it were most probable we should hrst dis- 
cover and civilize the moon, or the moon discover and 
civilize our globe. Neither would the prodigy of sailing 
in the air and cruising among the stars be a whit more 
astonishing and incomprehensible to ns, than was the 
European mystery of navigating floating castles through the 
world of waters to the simple savages. We have already 
discovered the art of coasting along the aerial shores of 
our planet, by means of balloons, as the savages had, of 
venturing along their sea coasts in canoes ; and the dis- 
parity between the former, and the aerial vehicles of the 
philosopheis from the moon, might not be greater than 
that between the bark canoes of the savages and the 
mighty shi|)s of their discoverers. I might here pursue an 
endless chain of similar speculations ; but as they would 
be unimportant to my subject, I abandon them to my 
leader, particularly if he be a philosopher, as matters well 
worthy his attentive consideration. 

To return then to my supposition— let us suppose that 
the aerial visitants I have mentioned, possessed of vastly 
superior knowkdge to ourselves ; that is to say, possessed 
of supeiior knowledge in the art of extermination— riding 
on hippogrifi's-'-defended with impenetrable armour — 
armed with concentrated sun-beams, and provided with 
vast engines to hurl enormous moon-stones ; in sh<»rt, let 
us suppose them, if our vanity will permit the supposition, 
as supeiior to us in knowledge, and consequently in po^ver, 
as the Emopeans were to the Indians when they first dis- 
covered them. All this is very possible, it is only our 
self-sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and I 
warrant the poor savages, before they had any knowledge 
of the white men, armed in all tlie terrors of glittering 
steel and tremendous gunpowder, were as perfectly 
convmced that they themselves were the wisest, the most 
virtuous, powerful, and perfect of created beings, as arc, 
at this present moment, the lordly inhabitants of Old 
EngliMul, the volatile popiihice of F(ar,ce, or ev»n the self- 
satisfie«i cilizeiis of this most enligbtened republic. 



NEW Y(#RK. 33 

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial voyagcers, 
finding this planet to be nothing but a howling wilderness, 
inhabited by us poor savages and wild beasts, shall take 
formal possession of it, in the name of his most gracious 
and philosophic excellency, the man in the moon. Find- 
ing, however, that their numbers are incompetent to hold 
it in complete subjection, on account of the ferocious 
barbarity of its inhabitants 5 they shall take our worthy 
President, the King of England, the Emperor of Hayti, the 
mighty Buonaparte, and the great King of Bantam, and 
returning to their native planet, shall carry them to court, 
as were the Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the 
courts of Europe. 

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette of the 
court requires, they shall address the puissant man in the 
moon, in, as near as I can conjecture, the following terms : 

** Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose dominions 
extend as far as eye can reach, who rideth on the Great 
Bear, useth the sun as a looking-glass, and inaintaineth 
unrivalled control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs. 
We, thy liege subject*, have just returned from a voyage 
of discovery, in the course of which we have landed and 
taken possession of that obscure little dirty planet, which 
thou beholdest rolling at a distance. The five uncouth 
monsters, which we have brought into this august pre- 
sence, were once very important chiefs among their fellow 
savages, who are a race of beings totally destitute of the 
common attributes of humanity •, and differing in every 
thing from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as they 
carry their heads upon their shoulders, instead of under 
their arms — have two eyes instead of one — are utterly 
destitute of tails, and of a variety of unseemly complexions, 
particularly of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green. 

" We have moreover found these miserable savages 
sunk into a state of the utmost ignorance and depravity, 
every man shamelessly living with his own wife, and rear- 
ing his own children, instead of indulging in that commu- 
nity of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as expounded 
by the philosophers of the moon. In a word, tliey have 
scarcely a gleam of true philosophy among them, but are, 
in fact, utter heretics, ignoramuses, and barbarians. Taking 
compassion, therefore, on the sad conditions of these 
sublunary wretches, we have endeavoured, while we 



34 HISTORY OF 

remained on Iheir planet, to introduce among them the 
/isfht of reason — and the comlorts of the moon. We have 
treated them to monthfuls of moonshine, and draughts of 
nitrous oxyde, which they swallowed with incredible vora- 
city, particularly the females ; and we have likewise endea- 
voured to instil into them the precepts of lunar philosophy. 
We have insisted upon their renouncing the contemptible 
shackles of religion and common sense, and adoring the 
profound, omnipotent, and all perfect energy, and the 
ecstatic, immutable, immovable perfection. But such 
was the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched savages, 
that they persisted in cleaving to their wives and a<lhering 
to their religion, and absolutely set at nought the sublime 
doctrines of the moon— nay, among other abominable 
heresies, they even went so far as blasphemously to declare, 
that this ineffable planet was made of nothing more nor 
less than green cheese !" 

At these words, the great man in the moon (being a 
very profound philosopher) shall fall into a terrible pas- 
sion, and possessing equal authority over things that do 
not belong to him, as did whilome his holiness the pope, 
shall forthwith issue a formidable bull — specifying, " That 
whereas a certain crew of lunatics have lately discovered 
and taken possession of a newly discovered planet, called 
the earth ; and that whereas it is inhabited by none but a 
race of two-legged animals that carry their heads on their 
shoulders instead of under their arms— cannot talk the 
lunatic language—have two eyes instead of one — are 
destitute of tails, and of a horrible whiteness, instead of 
pea-green •, therefore, and for a variety of other excellent 
reasons, they are consideied incapable of possessing any 
property in the planet they infest, and the right and title 
to it are confirmed to its original discoverers. And 
furthermore, the colonists who are now about to depart to 
the aforesaid planet, are authorized and commanded to use 
every nutans to convert these infidel savages from the dark- 
ness of Cluistianity, and make them thorough and absolute 
lunatics." 

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our philosophic 
benefactors go to work with hearty zeal. They seize 
upon our fertile territories, scourge us from our rightful 
possessions, relieve us from our wives •, and when we are 
unreasonable enough to complain, they will turn upon us 



NEW YORK. 35 

and say, Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful wretches ! — 
have we not come thousands of miles to improve your 
worthless planet?— have we not fed you with moonshine? 

have we not intoxicated you with nitrous oxyde ? — does 

not our moon give you light every night ? — and have you 
the baseness to murmur, when we claim a pitiful return 
for all these benefits ? But finding that we not only per- 
sist in absolute contempt of their reasoning, and disbelief 
in their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly to 
defend our property, their patience shall be exhausted, and 
they shall resort to their superior powers of argument — 
hunt us with hippogriffs, transfix us with concentrated 
sun-beams, demolish our cities with moon-stones ; until 
having, by main force, converted us to the true faith, they 
shall graciously permit us to exist in the torrid deserts of 
Arabia, or the frozen regions of Lapland, there to enjoy 
the blessings of civilization and the charm, of lunar philo- 
sophy in much the same manner as the reformed and 

enlightened savages of this country are kindly suft'ered to 
inhabit the inhospitable forests of the North, or the impe- 
netrable wildernesses of South America. 

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and strikingly 
illustrated, the right of the early colonists to the posses- 
sion of this country ; and thus is this gigantic question 
completely vanquished : so having manfully surmounted 
all obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what remains 
but that I should forthwith conduct my readers into the 
city, which we have been so long in a manner besieging ? 
But hold— -before I proceed another step, I must pause to 
take breath and recover from the excessive fatigue 1 have 
undergone, in preparing to begin this most accurate of 
histories. And in this 1 do but imitate the example of a 
renowned Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start 
of three mUes for the purpose of jumping over a hill; but 
having run himself out of breath by the time he reached 
the foot, sat himself quietly down for a few moments to 
blow, and then walked over it at his leisure. 

END OF BOOK FIRST. 



36 HfSTouY or 



BOOK SECOND. 

TREATING OF THE SFTTLEMENT OF THE PROVINCB 
. OF NIEUW NEDERLANnTS. 



CHAP. I. 



In which are contained divers reasons why a man shoxdd 
not write in a hurry. Also Master Hendrick Hudsoiiy 
his discovery of a strange country ; and how he was 
magnificently rewarded by the munificence of their High 

Mightinesses. 

My ^reat grandfather by the mother's side, llermanus 
Vai) Clattercop, when employed to build the large stone 
church at Rotterdam, which stands about three hundred 
yards to your left, after you turn oft' from theBoomkeys; 
and which is so conveniently constructed that all the 
zealous Cinistians of Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a 
sermon there, to any other church in the city :— my great 
grandfather, I say, when employed to build that famous 
church, did in the first place send to Delft for a box of 
long pipes ; then having purchased a new spitting- box and 
a hundred- weight of the best Viiginia, he sat himself down 
and did nothing for the space of three months ^ut smoke 
most laboriously. Then did he spend full three months 
more on trudging on foot, and voyaging in the trekschuit, 
from Rotterdam to Amstei-dam — to Delft — to Haerlem — 
to Leyden — to the Hague — knocking his head and break- 
ing his pipe against every church in his road. Then did 
he advance gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam, 
until he caine in fvill sight of the identical spot, whereon 
the church was to be built. Then did he spend three 
months longer in walking round it and round it 5 contem- 
plating it, first from one point of view, and then from 
another :— now would he be paddled by it on the canal— 
now would he peep at it through a telescope, from the 
other side of the Meuse^ and now would he take a bird's- 
eye glance at it, from the top of one of those gigantic 



NEW VORK. 37 

i^indmills, wnicfi protect the gjales of the city. The good 
folks of the place were on the tiptoe of expectation and 
impatience— notwithstanding all the tnrnioil of my great 
grandfather, not a symptom of the chnrch was yet to be 
seen ; they even began to fear it would never be brought 
into the world, but that its great projector would lie down 
and die in labour of th-e mighty plan he had conceived. 
At length, having occupied twelve good months in puffing 
and paddling, and talking and walking — having travelled 
over all Holland, and even taken a peep into France and 
Germany — having smoked fi\e hundred and ninety-nine 
pipes, and three hundred-weight of the best Virginia 
tobacco — my great grandfather gathered together all that 
knowing and industrious class of citizens, who prefer 
attending to any body's business sooner than their own, 
and having pulled off' his coat and five pair of breeches, 
he advanced sturdily up, and laid the corner-sttnie of the 
church, in the presence of the whole multitude — ^just al 
the commencement of the thirteenth month. 

In a similar manner, and with the example of my worthy 
ancestor full before my eyes, have I proceeded in writing 
this most authentic history. The honest Rotterdammers 
no doubt thought my great grandfather was doing nothing 
at all to the purpose, while he was making such a world of 
prefatory bustle, about the building of his church ; and 
many of the ingenious inhabitants of this fair city will 
unquestionably suppose that all the preliminary chapters, 
with the discovery, population, and final settlement of 
America, were totally irrelevant and superfluous ; and 
that the main business, the history of New York, is not 
a jot more advanced than if I hr.d never taken up my pen. 
Never were wise people more mistaken in then* conjec- 
tures. In consequence of going to work slowly and deli- 
berately, the church came out of my grandfather's hands, 
one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glorious edifices 
in the known world — excepting that, like our magnificent 
capitol at Washington, it was begun on so grand a scale 
that the good folks could not afford to finish more than 
the wing of it. So likewise, I trust, if ever I am enabled to 
finish this work on the plan I have commenced (of which, 
in simple truth, 1 sometimes have my doubts), it will be 
found, that I have pursued the latest rules of my art, as 
exemplified in the writings of all the great American 
Historians, and wrought a ve.'v large history out of a small 



38 iSTuRY or 

subject— which, now-a-tlays, is consideied one of the great 
triumphs of historic skill. — To proceed ti-eii with the 
thread of my story. 

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord, 1609, on a 
Saturday morning', the tive and twentieth day of March, 
old style, did that ** worthy and irrecoverable discoverer 
(as he has justly been called) , Master Henry Hudson,'* 
s^t sail from Holland in a stout vessel called the Half 
Moon, being employed by the Dutch East India Company, 
to seek a north-west passage to China. 

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him, Hendrick) 
Hudson was a seafaring man of renown, who had learned 
to smoke tobacco under Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said 
to have been the first t«o introduce it into Holland, which 
gained him much popularity in that country, and caused 
him to find great favour in the eyes of their High Mighti- 
nesses, the lords states-general, and also of the honourable 
West India Company. He was a short, square, brawny 
old gentleman, with a double chin, a mastiff mouth, and 
a broad copper no&e, which was supposed in those days to 
have acquired its fiery hue from the constant neighbour- 
hood of his tobacco pipe. 

He wore a hue Andrea Ferrara tucked in a leathern 
belt, and a commodore's cocked hat on one side of his 
head. He was remarkable for always jerking up his 
breeches when he gave out his orders, and his voice sounded 
not unlike the brattling of a tin trumpet, owing to the 
number of hard north- westers which he had swallowed in 
the course of his seafaring. 

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we have heard 
so much and know so little; and I have been thus parti- 
cular in his description, for the benefit of modern painters 
and statuaries, that they may represent him as he was ; 
and not, according to their common custom, with modern 
heroes, make him look like Caesar, or Marcus Aurelius, or 
the Apollo of Belvidere. 

As chief mate and favourite companion, the commodore 
chose Master Robert Juet, of Limehouse, in England. 
By some his name has been spelled ChewHy and ascribed 
to the circumstance of his having been the first man that 
ever chewed tobacco j but this I believe to be a mere 
flippancy; more especially as certain of his progeny are 
aliving at this day, who write their names Juet. He was 
an old comrade and early school-mate of the great Hudson, 



NEW YORK. 39 

with whom he ha<! often played truant and sailed chip 
boats in a neighbourinpf pond, when they were little boys; 
from whence it is said the commodore first derived his 
bias towards a seafaring life. Certain it is, that the old 
people about Limehouse declared Robert Jiiet to be an 
unlucky urchin, pnone to mischief, that would one day or 
other come to the gallows. 

He gi-ew i;p as boys of that kind often grow up, a 
rambling heedless varlet, tossed about in all quarters of the 
world — meeting with more perils and wonders than did 
Sinbad the sailor, without growing a whit more wise, 
prudent, or ill natured. Under every misfortune he com- 
furled himself with a quid of tobacco, and the truly philo- 
sophic maxim, that " it will be all the same thing a hun- 
<hed years hence." He was skilled in the art of carving 
anchors and true lovers' knots on the bulk-heads and 
quarter-railings, and was considered a great wit on board 
ship, in consequence of his playing pranks on every boily 
around, and now and then even making a wry face at old 
Hendrick, when his back was turned. 

To this universal genins are we indebted for many 
particulars concerning this voyage, of which he wrote a 
history at the request of the commodore, who had an 
unconquerable aversion to writing himself, from having 
received so many floggings about it when at school. To 
supply the deficiencies of Master Juet's journal, which is 
written with true log book brevity, I have availed myself 
of divers family traditions, handed down from my great 
great grandfather, who accompanied the expedition in the 
capacity of cabin boy. 

From all that I can learn, few incidents worthy of 
remark happened in the voyage ; and It mortifies me 
exceedingly, that I have to admit so noted an expedition 
into my work without making any more of it-.-Oli ! that 
I had the advantages of that most authentic writer of yore, 
Apollonius Rhodius, who, in his account of the famous 
^igonautic expedition, has the whole mythology at his 
disposal, and elevates Jason and his compeers into heroes 
and demigods 5 although all the world knows them to 
have been a mere gang of sheep stealers on a marauding 
expedition ; or Inat I had the privileges of Dan Homer 
and Dan Virgil, to enliven my narrative with giants and 
Lystrigonians ; to entertain our honest mariners with an 

E 3 



40* iiisroKY or 

occasional concert of sirens and mermaids, and now and 
then with the raree-show of honest old Neptune and his 
fleet of frolicsome cruisers. But, alas ! the good old times 
have long gone by, when your waggish deities would descend 
upon this terraqueous globe, in their own proper persons, 
and play their pranks upon its wondering inhabitants. 

Suffice it then to say, the voyage was prosperous and 
tranquil — the crew being a patient people, much given to 
slumber and vacuity, and but little troubled with the dis- 
ease of thinking — a malady of the mind, which is the sure 
breedtr of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance of 
gin and sour crout, and every man was allowed to sleep 
quietly at his post unless the wind blew. True it is, some 
slight dissatisfaction was shown on two or three occa- 
sions, 'at certain unreasonable conouct of Commodore 
Hudson. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten sail 
when the wind was light, and the weather serene, which 
was considered among the most experienced Dutch sea. 
men, as certain weather breeders, or prognostics, that the 
weather would change for the worse. He acted, more- 
over, in direct contradiction to that ancient and sage rule 
of the Dutch navigators, who always took in sail at night ; 
put the helm a port, and turned in; by which precaution 
they had a good night's rest, were sure of knowing where 
they were the next morning, and stood but little chance 
of running down a continent in the dark. He likewise 
prohibited the seamen from wearing more than live jackets, 
and six pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering them 
more alert; and no man was permitted to go aloft, and 
naud in sails with a pipe in his mouth, as is the invariable 
Dutch custom at the present day. — All these grievances, 
aiough they might ruffle for a moment the constitutional 
tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars, made but transient 
fliipressions ; they eat hugely, drank profusely, and slept 
mmeasurably ; and being under the especial guidance of 
Providence, the ship was safely conducted to the coast of 
America ; where, after sundry unimportant touchings and 
standings off and on, she at length, on the fourth day of 
September, entered that majestic bay, which at this day 
expands its ample bosom before the city of New York, 
and which had never before been visited by any European ♦. 

* True it is — and I am not ifjnorant of the fact, that in a certain 

apocrypUaUxiok of voyaf^es, compilfH by oneHacIuyt, is to be found 

letter written to Francis the Flr^t by one Giovanne, or JoUa 



NEW YORK. 4] 

It has been traditionary in our family, that when the 
great navigator was first blessed with a view o^ this 
endjanting island, he was observed, for the first and only 
lime in his life, to exhibit strong symptoms of astonish- 
ment and admiration. He is said to have turned to 
Master Juet, and uttered these remarkable words, while he 
pointed lowaids this paradise of the new world — " See ! 
there!" — and thereupon, as was always his way when he 
was uncommonly pleased, he did puff out such clouds of 
dense tobacco smoke, that in one minute the vessel was 
out of sight of land, and Master Juet was fain to wail until 
the winds dispersed this impenetrable fog. 

It was indeed — as my great great grandfather used to 
say — though in truth 1 never heard him, for he died, as 
might be expected," before I was born—" It was indeed 
a spot on which the eye might have revelled for ever, in 
ever new and never ending beauties." The island of 
Manna-hata spread wide before them, like some sweet 
vision of fancy, or some fair creation of industrious magic. 
Its hills of smiling green swelled gently one above another, 
crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth 5 some 
pointing their tapering foliage towards the clouds, which 
were gloriously transparent ; and others loaded with a 
verdant burden of clambering vines, bowing their branches 

Verazzani, od which some writers are inclined to found a belief, that 
this delightful bay had been visited nearly a century previous to the 
voy.ige of the enterprising Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met 
with the countenance of certain very judicious ami learned men) I 
hold in utter disbelief, and that for various good and substantial 
reasons : — First, Because, on strict examination, it will be found tliat 
the description given by this Verazzani applies about as well to the 
bay of New York as it does to my night cap— Secondly, Because 
that this John Verazzani. for whom I already begin to feel a most 
bitter enmity, is a native of Florence; and every body knows the 
crafty wile of these losel Florentines, by which they filched away the 
laurels from tiie brows of the immortal Colon (vulgarly called 
Columbus), and bestowed them on their officious townsman, Amerigo 
Vespucci — and 1 make no doubt they are equally ready to rob the 
illustrious Hudson of the credit of discovering this beauteous Island, 
adorned by the city of New-York, and placing it beside their usurped 
discovery of South America. — And thirdly, 1 award my decision in 
favour of the pretensions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expe- 
dition sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely a Dutch 
enterprise; and thoui^h all the proofs in the world were introduced 
on the other side, I would set them at nought, as undeserving my 
attention. Jf these three reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every 
burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they are degeneiate 
decendants from their venerable Dutch* ancestors, and totally 
unworthy the trouble of convincing. Thus, thevdore, the title of 
Jfendiick Hudson to hi^ renowned discovery is fuliy viadicaied. 



42 HISTORY OF 

ro the earth, that was covered with flowers. On thft, 
jfentle declivities of the hills were scattered in gay profu- 
sion, the dog-wood, the sumach, and tlie wild brier, whose 
scarlet berries and white blossoms glowed brightly among 
the deep green of the surrounding foliage ; and here and 
there a curling column of smoke rising from the little glens 
that opened along the shore, seemed to promise the weary 
voyagers a welcome at the hands of their fellow-creatures. 
As they stood gazing with entranced attention on the 
scene before them, a red man, crowned with feathers, 
issued from one of these glens, and after contemplating in 
silent wonder the gallant ship, as she sat like a stately 
swan swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-whoop, 
and bounded into the woods like a wild deer, to the utter 
astonishment of the phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never 
heard such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in their 
whole lives. 

Of tiie transactions of our adventurers with the savages, 
and how the latter smoked copper pipes and ate dried 
currants ; how they brought great store of tobacco and 
oysters ; how they shot one of the ship's crew, and how 
he was buried, 1 shall say nothing ; being that I consider 
them unimportant to my history. After tarrying a few 
days in the bay, in order to refresh themselves after their 
seafearing, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore a 
mighty river which emptied into the bay. This i iver, it 
is said, was known among the savages by the name of the 
Shatemuck; though we are assured in an excellent little 
history published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent., that 
it was called the 3Iahegan*, and Master Richard Bloome, 
who wrote some time afterwards, asserts the same— so 
that I very much incline in favour of the opinion of these 
two honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this river 
did the adventurous Hendrick proceed, little doubting 
but it would tnrn out to be the much looked- for passage 
to China ! 

The journal goes on to make mention of divers inter- 
views between ♦he crew and the natives in the voyage up 
the river; but as they would be impertinent to my history, 
I shall pass ovei them in silence, except the following dry 
joke, played oft" by the old commodore and his school- 
fellow Robert Juct ; which does such vast credit ty their 

• This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy's map, as Manirattan, 
Woordt, Montaigne, and Mauritius liver. 



NEW YORK. 43 

experimental philosophy, that 1 cannot refrain from insert- 
ing it. " Our master and his mate determined to try some 
of the chiefe men of the connlrey, whether they had any 
treacherie in them. So they tooke them downe nto the 
rahin, and gave them so much wine and acqua vitse that 
they were all merrie ; and one of them and his wife with 
him, which sate so modestly, as any of our conntrey- 
women would do in a strange place. In the end, one of 
them was drunke, which had been aboard our ship all the 
the time we had been there, and that was strange to them, 
for they could not tell how to take it *. 

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious experiment, 
that the natives were an honest,social race of jolly roysters, 
who had no object on to a drinking bout, and were very 
merry in their cups, the old commodore chuckled hugely 
to himself, and thrusting a double quid of tobacco in his 
cheek, directed Master Juet to have it carefully recorded, 
for the satisfaction of all the natural philosophers of the 
university of Leyden — which done, he proceeded on his 
voyage with great self-complacency. After sailing, 
however, above a hundred miles up the river, he found 
the watery world around him began to grow more 
shallow and confined, the current more rapid, and per- 
fectly fresh — phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of 
rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutchmen prodigi- 
ously. A consultation was therefore called, and having 
deliberated full six hours, they were brought to a deter- 
mination by the ship's running aground ; whereupon they 
unanimously concluded, that there was but little chance 
of getting to China in that direction. A boat, however, 
was despatched to explore higher up the river, which on 
its return confirmed the opinion : upon this the ship was 
warped off and put about with great difficulty, being like 
most of her sex, exceeding hard to govern ; and the ad- 
venturous Hudson, according to the account of my great 
great grandfather, returned down the river — with a prodi- 
gious flea in his ear ! 

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood of getting 
to China, unless, like the blind man, he returned from 
whence he set out, and took a fresh start, he forthwith 
re-crossed the sea to Holland, where he was received with 
great welcome by the honourable East India Company, 
who were very much rejoiced to see him come back safe 
• Jtiet's JourOt Purch. Pil. 



44 HISTORY OF 

—with their ship; and at a large and respectable meetinpf 
4»f the first merchants and burgomasters of Amsterdam, 
it was u'.iaiiimously determined, that as a munificent 
reward for the eminent services he had performed, and the 
important discovery he had made, the great river Mohegan 
should be called after his name ! — and it continues to be 
called Hudson river unto this very day. 



1 



CHAP. II 

Containing an account of a inighty Ark which Jtoatcd 
under the protection of St. Nicholas from Holland to 
Gibbet Island — the descent of the strange Animals there- 
from — a great Victory., and a description of the ancient 
village of Commiinipaw. 

The delectable accounts given by the great Hudson and 
Master Juet, of the country they had discovered, excited 
not a little talk and speculation among the good people of 
Holland. Letters patent weie granted by government to 
an association of merchants, called the West India Com- 
])any, for the exclusive trade on Hudson river, on which 
they erected a trading house called Fort Aurania, or 
Orange, from whence did spring the gieat city of Albany. 
But I forbear to dwell on the various commercial and 
colonizing enterprises which took place ; among which was 
tiiat of Mynheer Adrian Block, who discovered and gave 
a name to Block Island, since famous for its cheese--- 
and shall barely confine myself to that, which gave birth 
to this renowned city. 

It was some three or four years after the return of the 
immortal Hendrick, that a crew of honest, low, Dutch 
colonists set sail from the city of Amsterdam for the 
shores of America. It is an irreparable loss to history, 
and a great proof of the darkness of the age, and the lament- 
able neglect of the noble art of book-making, since so 
industriously cultivated by knowing sea captains, and 
learned supercargoes, that an expedition so interesting 
and important in its ie?uits, should be passed over in 
utter silence. To ray great j^rcat grandfather am I again 
indebted for the few facts I am enabled to give concerning 
it J be having onte more embarked for this country, with a 
full letarmination, as he said, of emling his days here j and 



NEW YORK. 45 

of begetting a race of Knickerbockers that should rise to 
be great men in the land. 

The ship in which these iUustrioiis adventurers set sail 
was called the Goede Vrouwy or Good Woman, in com- 
pliment to the wife of the president of the West India 
Company, who was allowed by every body (except her 
husband) to be a sweet tempered lady, when not in liquor. 
It was in truth a most gallant vessel, of the most approved 
Dutch construction, and made by the ablest ship carpen- 
ters of Amsterdam, who, it is well known, always model 
their ships after the fair forms of their countrywomen. 
Accordingly it had one hundred feet in the beam, one 
hundred feet in the keel, and one hundred feet from the 
bottom of the stern post to the tafferell. Like the beau- 
teous model, who was declared to be the greatest belle 
in Amsterdam, it was full in the bows, with a pair of 
enormous cat-heads, a copper bottom, and withal a most 
prodigious poop ! 

The architect, who was somewhat of a religious man, 
far from decorating the ship with pagan idols, such as 
Jupiter, Neptune, or Hercules (which heathenish abomina- 
tions, 1 have no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and ship- 
wreck of many a noble vessel), he, I say, on the contrary, 
did laudably erect for a head, a goodly image f St. 
Nicholas, equipped with a low broad-brimmed hat, a 
huge pair of Flemish trunk hose, and a pipe that reached 
to the end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished, the 
stanch ship floated sideways, like a majestic goose, out 
of the harbour of the great city of Amsterdam, and all 
the bells that were not otherwise engaged, rung a triple 
bob-major on the joyful occasion. 

My great great grandfather remarks, that the voyage 
was uncommonly prosperous, for, being under the especial 
care of the ever.revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw 
seemed to be endowed with qualities unknown to com- 
mon vessels. Thus she made as much lee-way as head- 
way, could get along very nearly as fast with the wind 
a-head as when it was a-poop, and was particularly great 
in a calm ; in consequence of which singular advantages, 
she made out to accompli-sh her voyage in a very few 
months, and came to anchor at the mouth of the Hudson, 
a little to east of Gibbet island*. 

• So called, because one Joseph Andrews, a oiiate and murderer, 
was hanged in chains on that island, the 23d May, 1769, 



46 HISTORY OF 

Here lifting up their eyes they beheld, on what is at 
present called the Jersey shore, a small Indian village 
pleasantly embowered in a grove of spreading elms, and 
the natives all collected on the beach, gazing in siupid 
admiration at the Goede Vrouiv. A boat was immedi- 
ately despatched to enter into a treaty with them, and 
approaching the shore, hailed them through a trumpet in 
the most friendly terms •, but so horribly confounded were 
these poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth sound 
of the low Dutch language, that they one and all took to 
their heels, scampered over the Bergen hills, nor did they 
stop, until they had buried themselves, head and ears-, iu 
the marshes on the other side, where they all miserably 
perished to a man, and their bones being collected, and 
decently covered by the Tammany Society of that day, 
formed that singular mound caWed JRattlesnake-fiitlf which 
rises out of the centre of the salt marshes, a little to the 
east of the Newark Causeway. 

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our valiant 
heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took possession of the 
soil as conquerors, in the names of their High Mightinesses 
the lords states-general, and marching fearlessly forward, 
carried the village of Communipaw by storm, notwith- 
standing that it was vigorously defended by some half a 
score of old squaws and poppooses. On looking about 
them they were so transportcil with the excellencies of the 
place, that they had very little doubt the blessed St. 
Nicholas had guided them thither, as the very spot whereon 
to settle their colony. The softness of the soil was 
wonderfully adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps 
and marshes around them affoided ample opportunities 
for the constructing of dykes and dams j the shallowness 
of the shore was peculiarly favourable to the building 
of docks — in a word, this spot abounded with all the 
requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch city. On 
making a faithful report, therefore, to the crew of the 
Goede Yrouw, they one and all determined that this was 
the destined end of their voyage. Accordingly they 
descended from the Goede Vrouw, men, women, and 
children, in goodly groups, as did the animals of yore 
from the ark, and formed themselves into a thriving 
settlement, which they called by the Indian name Com- 
m unipaw. 

As all the world is doubilesa perfectly acquainted with 



NEW YORK. 4* 

Communipaw, it may seem somewhat superfluous to treat 
of it in the present work ; but my readers will please to 
recollect, that notwithstandmg it is my chief desire to 
satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise for posterity, 
and have to consult the understanding and curiosity of 
some half a score of centuries yet to come ; by which time 
perhaps, were it not for this invaluable history, the great 
Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage, Nineveh, and 
other great cities, might be perfectly extinct — sunk and 
forgotten in its own mud — its inhabitants turned into 
oysters *, and even its situation a fertile subject of 
learned controversy and hard-headed investigation among 
indefatigable historians. Let me then piously rescue from 
oblivion, the humble reliques of a place, which was the egg 
from w hence was hatched the miglsty city of New York ! 

Commnnipaw is at present but a small village, plea- 
santly situated among rural scenery, on that beauteous 
part of the Jersey shore which was known in ancient 
if gends by the name of Pavonia,f and commands a grand 
prospect of the superb bay of New York. It is within 
but half an hour's sail of the latter place, provided you have 
a fair wind, and may be distinctly seen from the city. 
Nay, it is a well-known fact, which I can testify from my 
own experience, that on a clear still summer evening, you 
may hear from the battery of New York, the obstreperous 
peals of the broad-mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes 
at Communipaw, who, like most other negroes, are famous 
for their risible powers. This is peculiai ly the case on 
Sunday evenings ; when, it is remarked by an ingenious 
and observant philospher, who has made great discoveries 
in the neighbourhood of this city, that they always laugh 
loudest ; which he attributes to the circumstance of their 
having their holiday clothes on. 

These negroes in fact, like the monks in the dark ages, 
engross all the knowledge of the place, and being infinitely 
more adventurous and more knowing than their masters, 
carry on all the foreign trade, making frequent voyages to 
town in canoes loaded with oysters, buttermilk, and cab- 
bages. They are great astrologers, predicting the different 
changes of the weather almost as accurate as an almanac ; 
they are moreover exquisite performers on the stringed 

*' Men by iuaction degenerate into oysiers." — Kaimes. 
+ Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is given to a tract of couat»y 
extending from Hoboken to Amboy. 



48 HiSTOHt OF 

fiddles: — ui whistling, they almost boast the far-famed 
poWCTs of Orpheus his lyre, for not a horse or an ox in t!ie 
place, when at the plough or before the waggon, will 
budge a foot until he hears the well-known whistle of his 
black driver and companion : — and from their amazing 
skill in casting up accounts upon their fingers, they are 
regarded with as much veneration as were the disciples of 
Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the sacred quarter- 
nary of numbers. 

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw, like wise 
men and sound philosophers, they never look beyond their 
pipes, nor trouble their heads about any afi'airsout of their 
immediate neighbourhood j so that they live in profound 
and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anxieties, and 
revolutions of this distracted planet. I am even told that 
many among them do verily believe that Holland, of which 
they have heard so much from tradition, is situated some- 
where on Long Island — that Spiking -devil and the Nar- 
rowSy are the two ends of the world — that the country is 
still under the dominion of their High Mightinesses ; and 
that the city of New York still goes by the name Nieuw 
Amsterdam. They meet every Saturday afternoon, at the 
only tavern in the place, which bears as a sign, a square- 
headed likeness of the prince of Orange ; where they 
smoke a silent pipe by way of promoting social convi- 
viality, and invariably drink a mug of cider to the success 
of Admiral Von Tromp, who they imagine is still sweep- 
ing the British channel, with a broom at his masl-head. 

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numerous little 
villages in the vicinity of this most beautiful of cities, which 
are so many strong holds and fastnesses, whither the pri- 
mitive manners of our Dutch forefathers have retreated, 
and where they are cherished with devout and scrupulous 
strictness. The dress of the original settlers is handed 
down inviolate, fiom father to son — the identical broad- 
brimmed hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad-bottomed 
breeches, continue from generation to generation ; and 
several gigantic knee buckles of massy silver, are still in 
wear, that made such gallant display in the days of the 
patriarchs of Communipaw. The language likewise con- 
tinues unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and so 
critically correct is the village schoolmaster in his dialed, 
that his reading of a low Dutch psalm has much the same 
e^ect on the nerves as the filing of a hand-saw. 



NEW YORK. 49 



CHAP. III. 



In which is set forth the true Art of making a Bargain 
—together with the miraculous Escape of a great Metro- 
polis in a Fog — and the Biography of certain Heroes of 

Communipaw. 

Having, in the trifling digression which concluded the 
last chapter, discharged the filial duty which the city of 
New York owed to Communipaw as being the mother 
settlement ; and having given a faithful picture of it as it 
stands at present, I return with a soothing sentiment of 
self-approbation, to dwell upon its early history. The 
crew of the Goede Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh 
importations from Holland, the settlement went jollily on 
increasing in magnilude and prosperity. The neighbour- 
ing Indians in a short time became accustomed to the 
uncouth sound of the Dutch language, and an intercourse 
gradually took place between them and the new comers. 
The Indians were much given to long talks, and the Dutch 
to long silence — in this particular, therefore, they accom- 
modated each other completely. The chiefs would make 
long speeches about the big bull, the wabash, and the great 
spirit, to which the others would listen very attentively, 
smoke their pipes, and grunt yah myn-her — whereat the 
poor savages were wonderously delighted. They instructed 
the new settlers in the best art of curing and smoking 
tobacco, while the latter, in return, made them drunk with 
true Hollands — and then learned them the art of making 
bargains. 

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened , the Dutch 
traders were scrupulously honest in their dealings, and 
purchased by weight, establishing it as an invariable table 
of avoirdupoise, that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one 
pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true, the simple 
Indians were often puzzled by the great disproportion 
between bulk and weight, forlet them place a bundle of furs 
never so large, in one scale, and a Dutchman put his hand 
or foot in the other, the bundle was sure to kick the beam 
— nevf r was a package of furs known to weigh more than 
two pounds, in the market of Communipaw ! 

This is a singular fact — but I have it direct from my 



60 HISTORY OF 

gi-eat great grandfathtr, who had risen to considerable im- 
portance in the colony, being' piomoted to t'lie office of 
weigh-raaster, on account of the uncommon heaviness of 
his foot. 

The Dutch possessions in this part of the globe began 
now to assume a very thriving appearance, and were com- 
prehended under the general title of Nieuw Nederlandts j 
on account, as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their 
great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands — which 
indeed was truly remarkable, excepting that the former 
were rugged and mountainous, and the latter level and 
marshy. About this time the tranquillity of the Dutch 
colonists was doomed to suffer a temporary interruption. 
In 1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under a com- 
mission from Dale, governor of Virginia, visited the Dutch 
settlements on Hudson river, and demanded their submis- 
sion to the English crown and Virginia dominion. — To 
this arrogant demand, as they were in no condition to 
resist it, they submitted for the time, like discreet and 
reasonable men. 

It does not appear that the valiant Argal molested the 
settlement of Communipaw ; on the contrary, I am told 
thai when his vessel tirst hove in sight, the worthy burghers 
wejse seized with such a panic, that they fell to smoking 
their pipes with astonishing vehemence, insomuch that 
they quickly raised a cloud, which, combining with the 
surrounding woods and marshes, completely enveloped 
and concealed their beloved village ; and overhung the 
fair regions of Pavoiiia : — so that the terrible Captain 
Argal passed on, totally unsuspicious that a sturdy little 
Dutch settlement lay snugly couched in the mud, under 
cover of all this pestilent vapour. In commemoration of 
this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants have con- 
tinued to smoke almost without intermission unto this very 
day ; which is said to be the cause of the remarkable fog 
that often hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon. 

Upon the departure of the enemy, our magnanimous 
ancestors took full six months to recover their wind, 
having been exceedingly discomposed by the consternation 
and hurry of affairs. They then called a council of safety, 
to smoke over the state of the province. After six months 
more of mature deliberation, during which nearly iive 
hundred words were spoken, and almost as much tobacco 
was smoked as would have served a certain moderu 



NKW YORK. M 

general tlirougjli a whole winter's campaign of hai'd drinking;, 
it was determined to tit out an armament of canoes, and 
dispatch them on a voyage of discovery, to search if perad- 
venture some more sure and foruiiddble position might not 
be found, where the colony would be less subject to vex- 
atious visitations. 

This perilous enterprise was entrusted to the superin- 
tendence of Mynheers Olofle Van Kortlandt, Abraham 
Hai-denbroeck, Jacobus Van Zandt, and Winant Ten 
Broeck — four indubitably great men ; but of whose his 
tory, although I have made diligent inquiry, I can learn 
but little previous to their leaving Holland. Nor need 
this occasion much surprise, for adventurers, like prophets, 
though they make great noise abroad, have seldom much 
celebrity in their own countries; but this much is certain, 
that the overflowings and off-scourings of a country are 
invariably composed of the richest parts of the soil. And 
here I cannot help remarking how convenient it would be 
to many of our great men and great families of doubtful 
origin, could they have the privilege of tlie heroes of yore, 
who, whenever their origin was involved in obscurity, 
modestly announced themselves descendants from a god ; 
and who never visited a foreign country, but what they 
told some cock and bull stories about their being kings 
and princes at home. This venial trespass on the truth, 
though it has occasionally been played off by some pseudo 
marquis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigners, in our 
land of good-natured credulity, has been completely dis- 
countenanced in this sceptical, matter-of-fact age. And 
I even question whether any tender virgin, who was acci- 
dentally and unaccountably enriched with a bantling, 
would save her character at parlour fire-sides and evening 
tea parties, by ascribing the phenomenon to a swan, a 
shower of gold, or a river god 

Thus being denied the benefit of mythology and classic 
fable, I should have been completely at a loss as to the 
early biography of my heroes, had not a gleam of light 
been thrown upon their origin from their names. 

From this simple means have I been enabled to gather 
some particulars concerning the adventurers in question. 
Van Kortlandt, for instance, was one of those peripatetic 
philosophers, who tax Providence for a livelihoood, and like 
Diogenes cujoy a free and unincumbered estate in sun- 

JF 2 



M HISTORY OF 

shine. He was uBually arrayed in garments suitable to 
his fortune, being curiously fringed and fangled by the 
hand of time ; and was hebneted with an old fragment of 
a hat which had acquired the shape of a sugar loaf; and 
so far did he carry his contempt for the adventitious dis 
tinction of dress, that it is said, the remnant of a snut, 
which covered his back, and dangled like a pocket hand- 
kerchief out of a hole in his breeches, was never washed, 
except by the bountiful showers of heaven. In this garb, 
was he usually to be seen, sunning himself at noonday, 
with a herd of philosophers of the same sect, on the side 
of the great canal of Amsterdam. Like your nobility of 
Europe, he took his name of Kortlandt (or Lack-land) 
from his landed estate, which lay somewhere in 'I'erra 
incognita. 

Of the next of our worthies, might 1 have had the 
benefit of mythological assistance, the want of which I 
have just lamented, I should have made honourable 
mention, as boasting equally illustrious pedigree with the 
proudest hero of antiquity. His name was Van Zandtj 
which being freely translated, signifies from the dirt, 
meaning, beyond a doubt, that like Triptolemus, Themis — 
the Cyclops and the Titans, he sprung from dame Terra, or 
the earth ! This supposition is strongly corroborated by his 
size, for it is weJI known that all the progeny of mother 
earth were of a gigantic stature ; and Van Zandt, we are 
told, was a tall raw-boned man, above six feet high — with 
an astonishingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the 
illustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable or repugnant 
to belief, than what is related and universally admitted of 
certain of our greatest, or rather richest men ; who, we are 
told with the utmost gravity, did originally spring from a 
dunghill ! 

Of the third hero, but a faint description has reached to 
this time, which mentions, that he was a sturdy, obstinate, 
burly, bustling little man ; and fiom being usually equipped 
with an old pair of buckskins, was familiarly dubbed 
Harden Broeck, or Tough Breeche*. 

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adventurers. It is 
a singular but ludicrous fact, which, were I not scrupulous 
in recording the whole truth, I should almost be tempted 
to pass over in silence, as incompatible with the gravity 
and dignity of history, that tliis worthy gentleman should 



NEW YORK. 53 

likewise have been nicknamed from the most whimsical 
part of his dress. In fact the small clothes seem to have 
been a very important garment in the eyes of our venerated 
ancestors, owing in all probability to its really being tlie 
largest article of raiment among them. The name of 
Tenbroeck or Tin Broeck, is indifferently translated into 
Ten Breeches and Tin Breeches — the high Dutch com- 
mentators incline to the former opinion ; and ascribe it to 
his being the first who introduced into the settlement the 
ancient Dutch fashion of wearing ten pair of breeches. 
But the most elegant and ingenious writers on the subject 
declare in favour of Tin or rather Thin Breeches j from 
whence they infer, that he was a poor but merry rogue, 
whose galligaskins were none of the soundest, and w!u> 
was the identical author of that truly philosophical stanza • 

•' Then why should we quarrel for nches, 

Or any such jrlit'ering toys ? 
A lig'lit heart and thin pai: of breeches 

Will go lliroujjh the world, my brave boys. " 

Such was the gallant junto chosen to conduct this 
voyage into unknown realms, and the wh(»lc was put under 
(he superintending care and direction of Oloffe Van Koi t- 
landt 5 who was hei<l in great reverence among the sages of 
Comniuuipaw, for the variety and darkness of his know- 
ledge. Having, as I before observed, passed a great part 
of his life in the open air, among the peiipatetic philoso- 
phers of Amsterdam, he had become amazingly well 
acquainted with the aspect of the heavens, and could as 
accurately determine when a storm was brewing or a squall 
rising, as a dutiful husband can foresee from the brow of 
his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about Iiis cars. 
He was moreover a great seer of ghosts and goblins, and 
a tirm believer in omens ; but what especially recommended 
him to public confidence, was his marvellous talent at 
dreaming, for there never was any thing of consequence 
happened at Communipaw, but what he declared he had 
previously dreamt it; being one of those infallible prophets 
that always predict a thing after "it has come to pass. 

This sjipernatural gift was as highly valued among the 
burghers of Pavonia, as it was among the enlightened 
nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was more indebted 
to his sleeping than Iiis waking mome-.its, fur ail his 



54 mSTOKY OF 

subtle achievements, and seldom undertook any {ri'eat 
exploit, without first sleeping soundly upon it ; and the 
same may truly be said of the good Van Kortlandt, who 
was thence aptly denominated, Oloffe the dreamer. 

This cautious commander, having chosen the crews that 
should accompany him in the proposed expedition, 
exhorted them to repair to their homes, take a good 
night's rest, settle all family affairs, and make their wills, 
before departing on this voyage into unknown realms. 
And indeed this last was a precaution always taken by our 
forefathers, even in aftertimes, when they became more 
adventurous, and voyaged to Haverstraw or Kaatskill, or 
Groodt Esopus, or any other far country that lay beyond 
the great waters of the Tappaan Zee. 



i 



CHAP. lY. 



How the Heroes of Communipaw voyaged to Hell-Gatet 
and how they were received there. 

And now the rosy blush of morn began to mantle in 
the east, and soon the rising sun, emerging from amidst 
golden and purple clouds, shed his blithsonie rays on the 
tin weathercocks of Comiounipaw. It was that delicious 
season of the year, when nature breaking from the chilling 
thraldom of old winter, like a blooming damsel from the 
tyranny of a sordid old father, threw herself blushing with 
ten thousand charms, into the arms of youthful spring. 
Every tufted copse and blooming grove resounded with 
the notes of hymeneal love. The very insects, as they 
sipped the dew that gemmed the grass of the meadows, 
joined in the joyous epithalamium — the virgin bud 
timidly put forth its blushes, "the voice of the turtle was 
beard in the land," and the heart of man dissolved away in 
tenderness. Oli • sweet Theocritus I had 1 thine oaten 
reed, wherewith thou erst did charm the gay Sicilian 
plains — or Oh I gentle Bion ! thy pastoral pipe, wherein 
the happy swains of the Lesbian isle so much delighted; — 
then might I attempt to sing in soft Bucolic or negligent 
Idyllium, the rural beauties of the scene— but having 
nothing, save this jaded goose quill, wherewith to wing my 
flight, I must fain resign all poetic disportings of the fancy, 



NEW YORK. 55 



» 



and pursue my narrative in humble prose j conifortiu 
myself witli the hope, that though it may not steal so 
sweetly upon the imagination of my reader, yet it may 
commend itself, with virgin modesty, to his better judg- 
ment, clothed in the chaste and simple garb of truth. 

No sooner did the first rays of cheerful Phoebus dart 
into the windows of Cummunipaw, than the little settle- 
ment was all in motion. Forth issued from his castle the 
sage Van Kortlandt, and seizing a conch shell, blew a far 
resounding blast, that soon summoned all his lusty fol- 
lowers. Then did they trudge resolutely down to the water- 
side, escorted by a multitude of relatives and friends, 
who all went down, as the common phrase expresses it, 
*♦ to see them oflV And this shows the antiquity of those 
long family processions, often seen in our city ; composed 
of all ages, sizes, and sexes, laden with bundles and band- 
boxes, escorting some bevy of country cousins, about to 
depart from home in a market boat. 

The good Olofte bestowed his forces in a squadron of 
three canoes, and hoisted his flag on board a little round 
Dutch boat, shaped not unlike a tub, which had formerly 
been the jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now, all 
being embarked, they bid farewell to the gazing throng 
upon the beach, who continued shouting after them, even 
when out of hearing, wishing them a happy voyage, 
advising them to take good care of themselves, not to get 
drowned — with an abundance other of those sage and in. 
valuable cautions generally given by landsmen to such as 
go down to the sea in ships, and adventure upon the deep 
waters. In the mean while the voyagers cheerily urged 
their course across the crystal bosom of the bay, and soon 
left behind them the green shores of ancient Pavonia. 

And first they touched at two small islands which lie 
nearly opposite Conmiunipaw, and which are said to have 
been brought into existence about the time of the great 
irruption of the Hudson, when it broke through the High- 
lands and made its way to the ocean*. For in this tre- 

• It is a matter long since established by ce tain of our philosophers, 
that is to say, having been often advanced, and never contradicted, it 
has grown to be pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, that tiie IJudson 
was originally a lake, dammed up by the mountains of tlie Highlands. 
In process of tune, however, becoming very mightv and obslre. 



^^ HISTORY OF 



mendous uproar of the waters, wearp inU tu^t 
fragments of rock and la.ul ^cvl^^l," '^^^e '"'"^ ?"^' 
a..d swept down by this runaway her for sivtv "'^""*^'"^ 
miles ; where some of tl=em ra. IA-m,nd on h-h' T'""'^ 
opposite Communipaw, and fon.^ed he dj^-^i'^^^^^^^ 
HI question, while otherJ driftec^rt to se. nndTJ '^^"^' 
heard of more ! A sufficient on?, f !^f T' / ? ^^'f "''''^'" 
rock which forms the ba of thefe iT 7' ''' *''"' ''^^ 
similar to that of the H.,h,aLis I'X t^^^ J^^^^J ^ 
phdosophers, who has diUffen.ly compared the alreemen[ 
of their respective surfaces, has even ^one s,> fV,? n ? 
assure me, in confidence, that Gibbe iLfn L • .^ 

nothing more nor less thi. a ^'^ A^^;^ Z^^'^y 
Leaving these wonderful little id*>« J "'X'' "ose*. 

...... „.eat, „„o„„. ...„°;\r. tK- 'i:. -^t'X"^: . 

greatly reioiced " Thi, " .^ i • j /'"^ *''''" ^^ ^as 
& y lejoicea i lus, exclaimed he, "if J mistake 
not, augurs well— the porooise i< =, fof n mistake 

«sh-a burgomaster amm ffi Ls his '. T f ^^'^'^^^^ 

1 urning, therefore, directly to Hip h^ft fK^ 
the strait, vulgarly called the'ELRier' lUlZ 7 
rapid tide which courses throu-h this Zrl'it .T '^ 

gallant tub in which Comnrodo e Van k f^^^' /^" 
embarked, hurried it forward witta ^elo^ ^iSeled in 

them, and after a violent "ru^Te effecfe.i i'u ^^'"'^'^"'^^-i^.^^ uP"" 
to have come to pass in very remo^; tuZ ff ^''^ ' ''"* '*> ^■«i'^ 

had lost the art of run. in. ^ If, n " r.' PV'''"'^'y ^^'^'^ "'=^t rivers 
which I ,lo not pretend to be sk I L, * '• f"'"'"^'"'".^^ i^ « th.ory in 

give it my belief. ^ ''''''^'*' "otWithsUndin- that 1 do fujly 

f A promontory in the HiLjhlaud*. 



NEW VORK. 57 

a Dutch boat navigated by Dutchmen ; insomuch that the 
good commodore, who had all his life long been accustomed 
only to the diowsy navigation of canals, was more than 
evei- convinced that they were in the hands of some 
supernatural power, and that the jolly porpoises were 
towing them to some fair haven that was to fulhl all their 
wishes and expectations. j , , , 

Thus borne away by the resistless current, they doubled 
that boisterous point of land, since called Corlear's Hook,* 
and leaving to the right the rich winding cove of the 
Wallabout, where our infant navy is now-a-days put out to 
nurse, they drifted into a magnificent expanse of water, 
surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure was 
extremely refreshing to the eye. While the voyagers were 
looking around them, on what they conceived to be a serene 
and sunny lake, they beheld at a distance, a crew of 
painted savages, busily employed in fishing, who seemed 
more like the genii of this romantic region—then- slender 
canoe lightly balanced like a feather on the undulating 
surface of the bay. 

At sight of these, the hearts of the heroes of Communu 
paw were not a little troubled. But as good fortune would 
have it, at the bow of the commodore's boat, was stationed 
a very valiant man, named Hendrick Kip, (which being 
interpreted, means, chicken^ a name given him in token of 
his courage). No sooner did he behold these varlet 
heathens than he trembled with excessive valour, and 
although a good half mile distance, he seized a musquetoon 
that lay at hand, and turning away his head, fired it most 
intrepidly in the face of the blessed sun. The blundering 
weapon recoiled and gave the valiant Kip an ignominious 
kick, that laid him prostrate with uplifted heels in the 
bottom of the boat. But such was the effect of this 
tremendous fire, that the wild men of the woods, struck 
with consternation, seized hastily upon their paddles, and 
shot away into one of the deep inlets of the Long-Island 

shore. 

This signal victory gave new spirits to the hardy voyagers, 
and in honour of the achievement they gave the name 
of the valiant Kip to the surrounding bay, and it has 
continued to be culled KiP's Bay, from that time to the 

* Properly spelt hoeck, i. e. a p of land. 



68 HISTORY OF 

present. The heart of the good Van Koitl-audt — who, 
[raving no land of his own, was a great admirer of other 
people's — expanded at the sumptuous prospect of rich 
unsettled country around him, and falling into a delicious 
reverie, he straightway began to riot in the possession of 
vast meadows of salt marsh, and interminable patches of 
cabbages. From this delectable vision he was all at once 
awakened by the sudden turning of the tide, which would 
soon have hurried him from this land of promise, had not 
the discreet navigator given signal to steer for shore ; 
where they accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights 
of Bellcvue — that happy retreat, where our jolly aldermen 
cat for the good of the city, and fatten the turtle that are 
sacrificed on civic solemnities. 

Here seated on the green sward, by the side of a small 

stream that ran sparkling among the grass, they refreshed 

themselves after the toils of the seas, by feasting lustily on 

the ample stores which they had provided for this perilous 

voyage. Thus having well fortified their deliberative 

powers, they fell into an earnest consultation, what was 

further to be done. This was the first council dinner ever 

eaten at Bellevue by Christian burghers; and here, as 

tradition relates, did originate the great family feud 

between the Hardenbroecks and the Tenbroecks, which 

afterwards had a singular influence on the building of the 

city. The sturdy Hardenbroeck, whose eyes had been 

wonderously delighted with the salt marshes, that spread 

their reeking bosoms along the coast, at the bottom of 

Kip's Bay, counselled by all means to return thither, and 

found the intended city. This was strenuously opposed by 

tiie unbending Tenbroeck, and many testy arguments 

passed between them. The particulars of this -controversy 

have not reached us, which is ever to be lamented ; this 

much is certain, that the sage OlofFe put an end to the 

dispute, by determining to explore still further in the route 

which the mysterious porpoises had so clearly pointed out : 

whereupon the sturdy Tough Breeches abandoned the 

expedition, took possession of a neighbouring hill, and in a 

fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of country, which 

has continued to be inhabited by the Hardenbroecks unto 

this very day. 

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some wanton urchin, 
sporting on the side of a green hill, began to roll down the 



NEW YORK. 59 

declivity of the heavens ; an<l now, the tide haviiijij once 
more turned in ti.eir favour, the resolute Pavonians again 
committed themselves to its discretion, and coasting along 
the western shores, were borne towards the straits of 
Blackwelfs Island. 

And here the capricious wanderings of the current, 
occasioned not a little marvel and perplexity to these 
illustrious mariners. Now would they be caught by the 
wanton eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point, 
would wind deep into some romantic Wttle cove, that 
indented the fair island of Manna-hatta ; now they were 
hui-ried narrowly by the veiy bases of impending rocks, 
mantled with the flaunting grape vine, and crowned with 
groves that threw a broad shade on the waves beneath ; 
and anon they were borne away into the mid-channel, and 
wafted along with a rapidity that very much discomposed 
the sage Vun Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly 
receding on either side, began exceedingly to doubt that 
terra tirma was giving them the slip. 

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a new creation 
seemed to bloom around. No signs of human thrift 
appeared to check the delicious wildness of nature, who 
here revelled in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills now 
bristled like the fretful porcupine, with lows of poplars, 
(vain, upstart plants ! minions of wealth and fashion !) 
were then adorned with the vigorous natives of the soil. 
The lordly oak, the generous chesnnt, the graceful elm- 
while here and there the tulip-tree reared his majestic head, 
the giant of the forest — where now are seen the gay retreats 
of luxury — villas half buried in twilight boweis, whence 
the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of some city 
swain — there the fish-hawk built his solitary nest, on some- 
dry tree that overlooked his watery domain. The timid 
deer fed undisturbed along those shores now hallowed by 
the lover's moonlight walk, and printed by the slender 
foot of beauty ; and a savage solitude extended over 
those happy regions, where now are reared the stately 
towers of the Joneses, the Schermerhornes, and the Rhine- 
landers. 

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these new and 
unknown scenes, the gallant squadron of Pavonia swept 
by the foot of a promontory, that strutted forth boldly into 
the waves, and seemed to frown upon them as they bra vied 



t>0 HISTORY OF 

ag^ainst its base. This is the bluff well known to modern 
mariners by the name of Grade's point, from the fair 
castle, which like an elephant, it carries upon its back, 
And here broke upon their view a wild and varied prospect, 
where land and water were beauteonsly intermingled, as 
thoujjh they had combined to heighten and set off each 
other's charms. To their right lay the sedgy point of 
Blackweirs Island, dressed in the fresh garniture of living 
green : beyond it stretched the pleasant coast of Sundswick, 
and the small harbour well known by the name of Hallet's 
cove — a place infamous, in latter days, by reason of its being 
the haunt of pirates who infest these seas, robbing orchards 
and water-melon patches, and insulting gentlemen navi- 
gators, when voyaging in their pleasure boats. To the 
left lay a deep bay, or rather creek, gracefully receded 
between shores fringed with forests, and forming a kind of 
vista, through which were beheld the silver regions of 
Haerlem, Morrissania, and East Chester. Here the eye 
reposed with delight on a richly wooded country, diversified 
by tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving lines of 
upland, swelling above each other; while over the whole, 
the purple mists of spring diffused a hue of soft 
voluptuousness. 

Just before them the grand course of the stream making 
a sudden bend, wound among embowered promontories 
and shores of emerald verdure, that seemed to melt into 
the wave, A character of gentleness and mild fertility 
prevailed around. The sun had just descended, and the 
thin haze of twilight, like a transparent veil drawn over 
the bosom of virgin beauty, heightened the charms which 
it half concealed. 

Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion ! Ah ! hapless 
voyagers, gazing with simple wonder on these Circean 
shores ! Such, alas ! are they, poor easy souls, who listen 
to the seductions of a wicked world — treacherous are its 
smiles, fatal its caresses. He who yields to its enticements 
launches upon a whelming tide, and trusts his feeble bark 
among the dimpling eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it 
fared with the worthies of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting 
the guileful scene before them, drifted quietly on, until 
they were aroused by an uncommon tossing and agitation 
of their vessels. For now the late dimpling current began 
to broil around then), and the waves to boil and foam with 



NEW YORK. fil 

horrific fury Awakened as if from a dream, Ihe astonished 
Olofte bawled aloud to put about, but his words were lost 
amid the roaring of the waters. And now ensued a scene 
of direful consternation : at one time they were borne 
with dreadful velocity, among tumultuous breakers, at 
another hurried down boisterous rapids. Now they were 
nearly dashed upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous rocks ! 
more voracious than Scylla and her whelps) ; and anon 
they seemed sinking into yawning gulfs that threatened to 
entomb them beneath the waves. All the elements com- 
bined to produce a hideous confusion. The waters raged — 
the winds howled — and as they were hurried along, several 
of the astonished mariners beheld the rocks and trees of the 
neighbouring shores, driving through the all- ! 

At length the mighty tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt 
was drawn into the vortex of that tremendous whirlpool 
called the Pot, where it was whirled about in giddy mazes, 
nntil the senses of the good commander and his crew were 
overpowered by the horror of the scene, and the strangeness 
of the revolution. 

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was snatched 
from the jaws of this modern Charybdis, has never been 
truly made known ; for so many survived to tell the tale, 
and what is still more wonderful, told it in so many different 
ways, that there has ever prevailed a great variety of 
opinions on the subject. 

As to the commodore and his crew, when they came to 
their senses they found themselves stranded on the Long 
Island shore. The worthy commodore, indeed, used to 
relate many and wonderful stories of his adventures in 
this time of peril, which, by his account, did far exceed 
those of (he sage Ulysses, in the straits of Charybdis. 
For he saw spectres flying in the air, and heard the yelling 
of hobgoblins, and put his hand into the Pot when they 
were whirled around, and found the water scalding hot, 
and beheld several uncouth looking beings seated on rocks, 
and skimming it with huge ladles j but particularly he 
declared with great exultation, that he saw the losel por- 
poises, which had betrayed them into this peril, some broil- 
ing on the gridiron, and others hissing in the fryingpan. 

These, however, were consideied by many as mere 
phantasies uf the commodore^s imagination, while he lay 
in a trance j especially as he was known to be given to 

G 



62r HISTORY OF 

dreaming ; and the truth of them has never been clearly 
ascertained. It is certain, however, that to the accounts 
of OlofFe and his followers may be traced the various 
traditions handed down of this marvellous strait, as how 
the devil has been seen there, sitting astride of the hog's 
back and playing on the fiddle — how he boils fish there 
before a storm ; and many other stories, in which we must 
be cautious of putting too much faith. In consequence 
of all these terrific circumstances, the Pavouian com- 
mander gave this pass the name of Helle-gat^ or as it has 
been interpreted, Hell-gate 3* which it continues to bear 
at the present day. 

CHAP. V. 

How the Heroes of Communipaw returned somewhat 

wiser than they went— and how the sage Oloffe dreamed 

a Dream-— and the Dream that he dreamed. 

The darkness of night had closed upon this disastrous 
day, and doleful night was it to the shipwrecked Pa- 
vonians, whose ears were incessantly assailed with the 
raging of the elements, and the howling of the hobgoblins 
that infested this perfidious strait. But when the morn- 
ing dawned, the horrors of the preceding evening had 
passed away ; rapids, breakers, and whirlpools, had dis- 
appeared ; the ^stream again ran smooth and dimpling, 
and having changed its tide, rolled gently back, towards 
the quarter where lay their much-regretted home. 

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw eyed each other 

• This is a narrow stiait in the Sound, at tlie distance of six miles 
above New-York. It is dangerous to sliippiug, unless under the care 
of skilful pilots, by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools. 
These have received sundry appellations, such as the gridiron, frying- 
pan, hog's back, pot, £cc. ; audare very violent and turbulent at certain 
times of tide. Certain wise men who instruct these modern days have 
softened the above characteristic name into Hurl-gate, which means 
nothing. I leave them to give their own etymology. The name as 
given by our author is sr.pp rted by the map in VanderDonck's his- 
tory, published in 1656, by Ogiivie's History of America, 1671, as also 
by a journal still extant, written in the 16th century, and to be found 
in Hazard's State Paper. And an old MS. writleii in French, 
speaking of vaiiou al'erations in names about this city, observes, 
" De Hell-gat, tro d'Enfer, ils out fait HelUgate, porte d'Enfer." 



NEW YORK. fl9 

with rueful countenances-, tlieir squadron had been totally 
dispersed by the late disaster. Some were cast upon the 
western shore, where, headed by one Ruleft" Hopper, they 
took possession of all the country lying about the six 
mile stone; which is held by the Hoppers at this present 
writing 

The Waldrons were driven by stress of weather to a 
distant coast, where, having with them a jug of genuine 
Hollands, they were enabled to conciliate the savages, 
setting up a kind of tavern ; from whence, it is said, did 
spring the fair town of Haerlem, in which their descend- 
ants have ever since continued to be reputable publicans. 
As to the Suydams, they were thiown upon the Long- 
Island coast, and may still be found in those parts. But 
the most singular luck attended the great Tenbroeck, 
who, falling overboard, was miraculously preserved from 
sinking by the multitude of his nether garments. Thus 
buoyed up, he floated on the waves, like a merman, until 
he landed safely on a rock, where he was found the next 
moi ning, busily drying his many breeches in the sunshine. 

I forbear to treat of the long consultation of our adven- 
turers — how they determined that it would not do to found 
a city in this diabolical neighbourhood, and how at length 
with fear and trembling, they ventured once more upon 
the briny element, and steered their course back for Com- 
munipavv. Suffice it, in simple brevity, to say, that after 
toiling buck through the scenes of their yesterday's voyage, 
they at length opened the southern point of Manna-hata, 
and gained a distant view of their beloved Ci)mmunipaw. 

And here they were opposed by an obstinate eddy, that 
resisted all the effoits of the exhausted mariners. Weary 
and dispirited, they could no longer make head against 
the power of the tide, or rather, as some will have it, of 
old Neptune, who, anxious to guide them to a spot 
whereon should be founded his strong hold in this western 
world, sent half a score of potent billows, that rolled the 
tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt high and dry on the 
shores of Manna-hata. 

Having thus in a manner been guided by supernatural 
power to this delightsome island, their first care was to 
light a fire at the foot of a large tree, that stood upon the 
point at present called the battery. Then gathering 
together great store of oysters which abounded on the shore, 

g2 



64 HISTORY OF 

and emptying the contents of their wallets, they prepared 
and made a sumptuous council repast. The worthy Van 
Kortlandt was observed to be particularly zealous in his 
devotions to the trencher ; for having the cares of the 
expedition especially committed to his care, he deemed it 
incumbent on him to eat profoundly for the public good. 
In proportion as he filled himself to the very brim with the 
dainty viands before him, did the heart of this excellent 
burgher seem to rise up towards hia throat, until beseemed 
crammed and almost choked with good eating and good 
nature. And at such times it is, when a man's heart is in 
lis throat, that he may more truly be said to speak from 
it, and his speeches abound with kindness and good fel- 
lowship. Thus the worthy OlofFe having swallowed the 
last possible morsel, and washed it down with a fervent 
potation, felt his heart yearning, and his whole frame in a 
manner dilating with unbounded benevolence. Every 
thing around him seemed excellent and delightful ; and, 
laying his hands on each side of his capacious periphery, 
and rolling his half closed eyes around on the beautiful 
d.versity of land and water before him, he exclaimed, in 
a fat half smothered voice, " What a charming pros- 
pect !" The words died away in his throat — he seemed to 
ponder on the fair scene for a moment — his eyelids heavily 
closed over their orbs — his head drooped upon his bosom — 
he slowly sunk upon the green turf, and a deep sleep stole 
gradually upon him. 

And the sage OlofFe dreamed a dream — and lo, the 
good St. Nicholas came riding over the tops of the trees, 
in that self-same waggon wherein he brings his yearly pre- 
sents to children ; and he came and descended hard by 
where the heroes of Communipaw had made their late 
vepast. And the shiewd Van Kortlandt knew him by his 
broad hat, his long pipe, and the resemblance which he 
bore to the figure on the bow of the Goede Vrouw, And 
he lit his pipe by the fire, and he sat himself down and 
smoked J and as he smoked, the smoke from his pipe 
ascended into the air and spread like a cloud overhead. 
And the sage Olofte bethought him, and he hastened and 
climbed up to the top of one of the tallest trees, and saw 
that the smoke spread over a great extent of country ; 
and as he considered it more attentively, he fancied that 
the great volume of smoke assumed a variety of marvel- 



NEW YORK. ^ 

lous forms, where iu dim obscurity he saw shacJowed out 
palaces and domes and lofty spires, all which lasted but 
a moment, and then faded away, until the whole rolled 
off, and nothing but the green woods were left. And 
when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe, he twisted it in 
his hat-band, and laying his finger beside his nose, gave 
the astonished Van Kortlandt a very significant look-, then 
mounting his waggon, he returned over the tree tops and 
disappeared. 

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep greatly in- 
structed, and he aroused his companions and related to 
them his dream : and interpreted it, that it was the will of 
St. Nicholas that they should settle down and build the 
city here. And that the smoke of the pipe was a type 
how vast should be the fxtetit of the city 5 inasmuch as 
the volumes of its smoke sliould spread over a vast extent 
of country. And they all with one voice assented to this 
interpretation, excepting Mynheer Tenbroeck, who de- 
clared the meaning to be, that it should be a city wherein 
a little fire should occasion a great smoke, or, iu other 
words, a very vapouring little city — both which interpre- 
latioijs have strangely come to pass ! 

The great object of their perilous expedition, therefore, 
being thus happily accomplished, the voyagers returned 
merrily to Communijiaw, where they were received with 
great rejoicings. And here calling a general meeting of 
all the wise men and the dignitaries of Pavonia, they 
related the v*hole history of their voyage and of the dream 
of Oloft'c Van Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their 
voices, and blessed the good St. Nicholas, and from that 
time forth the sage Van Kortlandt was held in more honour 
than ever for his great talent at dreaming, and was pro- 
nounced a most useful citizen and a right good man- 
when !ie -.vas asleep. 



(56 iMsroRv or 



CHAP. VI. 

Containing an attempt at Etymology — and of the founding 
of the great City of Netv- Amsterdam. 

The original name of the island, wherein the squadron of 
Communipaw was thus propitiously tlirown, is a matter 
of some dispute, and has aheady undergone considerable 
vitiation — a melancholy proof of the instability of all sub- 
lunary things, and the vanity of all our hopes of lasting 
fame; for who can expect his name will live to posterity, 
when even the names of mighty islands are thus soon lost 
in contradiction and uncertainty I 

The name most current at the present day, and which 
is likewise countenanced by the great historian Vaiidcr 
Donck, is Manhattan; which is said to have originated 
in a custom among the squaws, in the early settlement, of 
wearing men's hats, as is still done among many tribes. 
** Hence," as we are told by an old governor, who was 
somewhat of a wag, and flourished almost a century since, 
and had paid a visit to the wits of Philadelphia — " Hence 
arose the appellation of man-hat-on, first given to the 
Indians, and afterwards to the island :" a stupid joke ! — 
but well enough for a governor. 

Among the more venerable sources of information on 
this subject, is that valuable history of the American pos- 
sessions, written by master Richard Blome, in 1687*, 
wherein it is called Manhadaes and Manahannet ; nor 
must 1 forget the excellent little book, full of precious 
matter, of that authentic historian, John Josselyn, Gent.-f* 
who expressly calls it Manhadaes. 

Another etymology still more ancient, and sanctioned 
by the countenance of our ever to be lamented Dutch 
ancestors, is that found in certain letters still extant ; J 
which passed between the early governors and their neigh- 
bouring powers, wherein it is called indifferently Mon- 
hattoes, Munhatos, and Manhattoes, which are evidently 
unimportant variations of the same name 3 for our wise 

• This history is to be found iu the library of Uie New-Yoik His- 
toi leal Society 
t I Hem. 
i Vide Hazard's Col. Stat. I'ap. 



NEW YORK. _^ 

ftM^fathers set little store by those niceties either in ortho- 
graphy or orthoepy, which form the sole study and 
amoition of many learned men and women of this hyper- 
critical age. This last name is said to be derived from the 
great Indian spirit Manetho ; who was supposed to make 
this island h.s favourite abode on account of its uncommon 
delights. For the Indian traditions affirm, that the bay 
was once a translucid lake, filled with silver and golden 
fish, in the midst of which lay this beautiful island, covered 
with every vaiiety of fruits and flowers ; but that the 
sudden irruption of the Hudson laid waste these blissful 
scenes, and Manetho took his flight beyond the great 
waters of Ontario. 

These, however, are fabulous legends, to which very 
cautious credence must be given ; and although I am wil- 
ling to admit the last quoted orthography of the name, as 
very suitable for prose, yet is there another one founded 
on still more ancient and indisput-able authority, which 1 
particularly delight in, seeing that it is at once poetical, 
melodious, and significant 5 and this is recorded in the 
beforementioned voyage of the great Hudson, written by 
Master Juet : who clearly and correctly calls it Manna- 
HATA ; that is to say, the island of Maima, or, in other, 
words, " a land flowing with milk and honey !" 

It having been solemnly resolved that the seat of empire 
should be transferred from the green shores of Pavonia to 
this delectable island, a vast multitude embarked and 
migrated across the mouth of the Hudson, under the 
guidance of OlofFe the Dreamer, who was appointed pro- 
tector or patron to the new settlement. 

And here let me bear testimony to the matchless honesty 
and magnanimity of our worthy forefathers, who purchased 
the soil of the native Indians, before erecting a single roof; 
a circumstance singular and almost incredible in the annals 
of discovery and colonization. 

The first settlement was made on the south-west point 
of the island, on the very spot where the good St. Nicholas 
had appeared in the dream. Here they built a mighty 
and impregnable fort and trading house, called Fort 
Amsterdam, which stood on that eminence at present 
occupied by the custom-house, with the open space now 
called the bowling-green, in front. 

Around this potent fortress was soon seen a numeroug 



8B HISTORY OF ,||' 

progeny of little Dutch houses, with tiled roots, all which 
seemed most lovingly to nestle under its walls, like a brood 
of half-fledged chickens sheltered under the wings of the 
mother hen. The whole was surrounded by an enclosure 
of strong palisadocs, to guard against any sudden irruption 
of'the savages who wandered in hordes about the swamps 
and forests, that extended over those tracts of country at 
present called Broadway, Wall Street, William Street, and 
Pearl Street, 

No sooner was the colony once planted, than it took 
root and throve amazingly, for it would seem that this 
thrice favoured island is like a munificent dunghill, where 
every foreign weed finds kindly nouris!;ment, and soon 
shoots up, and expands to greatness. 

And now the infant settlement having advanced in age 
and stature, it was thought high time it should receive an 
honest Christian name, and it was accordingly called New- 
Amsterdam. It is true there were some advocates for the 
original Indian name, and many of the best writers of the 
province did long continue to call it by the title of " The 
Manhattoes,'' but this was discountenanced by the autho- 
rities, as being heathenish and savaeg. Besides, it was 
considered an excellent and praiseworthy measure to 
name it after a great city of the old world ; as by that 
means it was induced to emulate the greatness and re- 
nown of its namesake — in the manner that little snivelling 
urchins are called after great statesmen, saints, and wor- 
thies, and renowned generals of yore, upon which they all 
industriously copy their examples, and come to be very 
mighty men in their day and generation. 

The thriving state of the settlement and the rapid 
increase of houses gradually awakened the good Oloffe 
from a deep lethargy, into which he had fallen after the 
building of the fort. He now began to think it was time 
some plan should be devised, on which the increasing 
town should be built. Summoning, therefore, his coun- 
sellors and coadjutors together, they took pipe in mouth, 
and forthwith sunk into a very sound deliberation on the 
subject. 

At the very outset of the business an unexpected dif- 
ference of opinion arose, and I mention it with much sor- 
rowing, as being the first altercation on record in the 
councils of New Amsterdam. It was a breaking forth of 



NEW YORK. 89 

the grudge and heartburning that had existed between 
tliose two eminent burghers, Mynheers Tenbroeck and 
Hardenbroeck, ever since their unhappy altercation on 
the coast of Bellevue. The great Hardenbroeck had 
waxed very wealthy and powerful from his domains, 
which embi'aced the whole chain of Apulean mountains 
that stretch along the gulph of Kip's Bay, and from part 
of which his descendants have been expelled in latter ages 
by the powerful clans of the Joneses and the Shermer- 
hornes. 

An ingenious plan for the city was ofFei-ed by Mynheer 
Tenbroeck, who proposed that it should be cut up and 
intersected by canals, after the manner of the most 
admired cities in Holland. To this Mynheer Hardenbroeck 
was diametrically opposed, suggesting in place thereof 
that they should run out docks and wharfs, by means of 
piles, driven into the bottom of the river, on which the 
town should be built, " By these means," said he tri- 
umphantly, *< shall we rescue a considerable space of 
territoi-y from these immense rivers, and build a city that 
shall rival Amsterdam, Veiiice, or any amphibious city 
in Europe." To this proposition Tenbroeck (or Ten 
Breeches) replied, with a look of as much scorn as he 
could possibly assume. He cast the utmost censure 
upon the plan of his antagonist, as being preposterous 
and ag^ainst the very order of things, as he would leave to 
every true Hollander. " For what," said he, " is a town 
without canals ?-^It is like a body without veins and 
arteries, and must perish for want of a free circulation of 
the vital fluid." Tough Breeches, on the contrary, retorted 
with a sarcasm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat of 
an arid, dry boned habit ; he remarked, that as to the cir 
eulation of the blood being necessary to existence. Myn- 
heer Ten Breeches was a living contradiction to his own 
assertion ; for every body knew there had not a drop of 
blood circulated through his wind-dried carcass for goo«l 
ten years, and yet there was not a greater busybody in the 
whole colony Personalities have seldom much effect in 
making converts in argument 5 nor have 1 ever seen a man 
convinced of e*-ror by being convicted of deformity. At 
least, such was not the case at present. Ten Breeches 
was very acrimonious in reply, and Tough Breeches, who 
was a sturdy little man, and never gave up the last word. 



^^ HISTORY OF 



rejoined with iuaeasing spirit-Ten Breeches had the 
advantage ot the greatest vohibility, but Tough Breeches 

nacy-Teu Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but 
Tough Breeches the best bottom-so thai though Ten 
B.eeches made a dreadful clattering about his cars, and 
battered and belaboured him with hard ;rords and sou"d 

t7ria t' '4\ ^-^^^--h- hung on most resolutely 
to the last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in ail 
aiguments where bofh parties are in the right, without 
coming to any conclusion ; but they hated eacl. o her mos 
heartdy for ever afUr, and a similar breach with that 
be ween the houses of Capulet and Montague dU ensue 
be ween the families of Ten Breeches and T^ugh Breeches 
1 would not fatigue my readers with these dull mattei^ 

?! . f '.^",S ^^* ""^ ^'"^y ^' ^ ^'^i^^f"l historian requ res 
hat I should be particular; and, in truth, as I am now 
reating of the critical period, when our city, like a oun^ 
tw,g,hrst received the twists and turns, that have sS 
contributed to give it the present picturesque ineguWity 
Jor which It IS celebrated, I cannot be too minute in 
detailing then- first causes. ^ "' 

After the unhappy altercation 1 have just mentioned, f 
do not find that any thing further was sai.l on the subW 
jvorthy of being recorded. The council, consisting of the 
Jarge.t and oldest heads in the communi y, met re^u a I v 
once a week, to ponder on this momentous suMec^ bL^t 
either they were deterred by the war of words^ they had 
witnessed, or they were naturally averse to the exercise of 
the tongue, and the consequent exercise of the brains- 
certain it is, the most profound silence was maintained- 
ihe question as usual lay on the table-the members 
quietly smoked their pipes, making but few laws, witho' 

settlement went on— as it pleased God. 

As most of the council were but little skilled in the 
n.ystery of combining pot-hooks and hangers, they deter 
mined most judiciously not to puzzle eithl- themselves o^ 
posterity with voluminous records. The secretary how- 
ever, kept the muiutesof the council with tolerable pred- 
s.on, m a large vellum folio, fastened with mas y ZaL 
da.ps ; the journal of each meeting consisted but of two 
iuies, stating, ,n Dutch, that « the%ouncil sat hb dT, 



NEW YORK. 71 

and smoked twelve pipes on the affairs of the colony."— 
By which it appears that the first settlers did not regulate 
their time by hours, but pipes, in the same manner as they 
measure distances in Holland at this very time ; an admi- 
rably exact measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a true 
born Dutchman is never liable to those accidents and 
irregularities that are continually putting our clocks out of 
order. 

In this manner did the profound council of New- 
Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and ponder, from week to 
week, month to month, and year to year, in what manner 
they should construct their infant settlement : meanwhile, 
the town took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat whicli 
is suffered to run about wild, unshackled by clouts and 
bandages, and other abominations, by which your notable 
nurses and sage old women cripple and disfigure the chil 
di'en of men, increased so rapidly in strength and mao^ni- 
tude, that before the honest burgomasters had determined 
upon a plan, it was too late to put it in execution — where- 
«?ponthey wisely abandoned the subject altogether. 



CHAP. Vif. 



How the City of New- Amsterdam waxed great under tlie 
protection of Oloffcy the Dreamer. 

There is something exceedingly delusive in thus 
looking back through the long vista of departed years, and 
catching a glimpse of the fairy realms of antiquity that 
lie beyond. Like some goodly landscape melted into 
distance, they receive a thousand charms from their veiy 
obscurity, and the fancy delights to fiill up their outlines 
with graces and excellencies of its own creation. Thus 
' beam on my imagination those happier days of our city, 
when as yet New-Amsterdam was a mere pastoral town, 
shrouded in groves of sycamore and willows, and sur- 
rounded by trackless forests and wide spreading waters, 
that seemed to shut out all the cares and vanities of a 
wicked world. 

In tho«e days did this embryo city present the rare and 
notable spectacle of a community governed without laws ; 
and thus being left to its own course, and the fostering 



72 HISTORY OF 

care of Providence, increased as rapidly as though it had 
been burdened with a dozen panniers full of those sage 
laws that are usually heaped on the backs of young cities 
— in order to make them grow. And in this; particular I 
greatly admire the wisdom and sound knowledge of human 
nature, displayed by the sage Olofte the Dreamer, and his 
fellow legislators. For my part, 1 have not so bad an 
opinion of mankind as many of my brother phUosophers. 
I do not think poor human nature so sorry a piece of 
workmanship as they would make it out to be ; and as far 
as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that man, if left to 
himself, would about as readily go right as wrong. It 
is only this eternally sounding in his ears that it is his 
duty to go right, that makes him go the very reverse. 
The noble independence of his nature revolts at this intoler- 
able tyranny of law, and the perpetual 'nterference of 
officious morality, which is ever besetting his path with 
finger-posts and dn-ections " to keep to the right, as the 
law directs -^"^ and like a spirited urchin, he turns directly 
contrary, and gallops through mud and mire, over hedges 
and ditches, merely to show that he is a lad of spirit, and 
out of his leading strings. And these opinions are amply 
substantiated by what 1 have above said of our worthy 
ancestors ; who never being be-preached and be-lectured, 
and guided and governed by statutes and laws and by- 
laws, as are their more enlightened descendants, did one 
all demean themselves honestly and peaceably out and 
of pure ignorance, or in other words — because they knew 
no better. 

Nor must I omit to recoi-d one of the earliest measures 
of this infant settlement, inasmuch as it shows the piety of 
our forefathers, and that, like good Christians, they were 
always ready to serve God, after they had first served 
themselves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves down, 1 
and provided for their own comfort, they bethought them- 
selves of testifying their gratitude to the great and good 
St. Nicholas, for his protecting care, in guiding them to 
this delectable abode. To this end they built a fair and 
goodly chapel within the fort, which they consecrated to 
his name 3 wliereupon he immediately took the town of 
New Amsterdam under his peculiar patronage, and he has 
ever since been, and 1 devoutly hope will ever be, Che 
tutf hr saint of this excellent city. 



NEW A'ORK. 

I am moreover told that there is a little legendary hook, 
somewhere extant, written in low Dntch, which says, lljat 
the image of tliis renowned saint, which wliilome graced 
the howsprit of the Goede Vronw, was elevated in front of 
this chapel, in the very centre of what, in modern «lays, 
is called the Bowling Green. And the Itgend fnrther 
treats of divers miracles wrought by the miglity pipe which 
the saint held in his mouth ; a whiff of which was a sove- 
reign cure for an indigestion — an invaluable relique in this 
colony of brave trenciiermen, As, however, ui spite of 
the most diligent search, I cannot lay my hands upon this 
little book, I must confess that 1 entertain considerable 
doubt on the subject. 

Thus benigidy fostered by the good St. Nicholas, the 
bursrhers of New Amsterdam behehi their settlement 
increase in magnitude and population, and soon become 
the metropolis of divers settlements, and an extensive 
territory. Already had the disastrous pride of colonies 
and dependencies, those banes of a sound-hearted empire, 
entered into their imaginations^ and Fort Aurania on the 
Hudson, Fort Nassau on the Delaware, and Fort Goede 
Hoep on the Connecticut river, seemed to be the darling 
oifspring of the venerable couiicil.* Thus prosperously, 
to all appearance, did the province of New Netherlands 
advance in power ; and the early history of its metropolis 
presents a fair page, unsullied by crime or calamity. 

Hordes of painted savages still lurked about the tangled 
forests and rich bottoms of the unsettled part of the Island 
— the hunter pitched his rude bovver of skins and bark 
beside the rills that van through the cool and shady gltMis, 
while here and there might be seen, on some sunny knoll, 
a group of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above the 
neighbouring trees, and floated in the transparent atmo- 

* The province, about this time, extended on the noiili to Foit 
Aurania or Orange (now tlie city of Albany) situated aliout IGO miles 
up the Hudson river, indeed the province claimed quite to tiie river 
St. Lawrence : but this claim was not much insi-ted on at liie time, 
as the country beyond Fort Auiani i was a perfect wilderness. Oil 
the south the province readied to Fort Nassau, on the soi.lh river, 
since called the Delaware : and on the east it extended to the Vaishe 
(or fiesh) river, now ttie Connecticut. On this last frontier was 
.ike wise erected a fort and trading house, much about the spot where at 
present is situated the jileasant town of Hartford. 'J his was called 
Fort Goede Hoep (or Good Hope), and was intended as well for the 
purpose of trade, as of defence. 

n 



''4 HISTORY OF 

sphere. By degrees a mutual goodwill had grown nn be- 
Iween these wandering beings and the burghers of New 
Amsterdam. Our benevolent forefathers endeavoured as 
much as possible to ameliorate their situation, by giving 
them gm, rum, and glass beads, in exchange for their 
peltries, for it seems the kind-hearted Dutchmen had con- 
ceived a great friendship for their savage neighbour^, on 
account of their being pleasant men to trade with, and 
little skdled in the art of making a bargain. 

Now and then a crew of these half human sons of the 
forest would make their appearance in the streets of New 
Amsterdam, fantastically painted and decorated with 
beads and flaunting feathers, sauntering about with an air 
ot listless indifference— sometimes in the market place 
instructmg the little Dutch boys in the use of the bow and 
arrow— at other times, inflamed with liquor, swaggerin<r 
and whooping and yelling about the town like so man? 
bends, to the great dismay of all the good wives, who 
would hurry their children into the house, fasten the 
doors, and throw water upon the enemy from the «>-arret 
windows. It is worthy of mention here, that our fCrefa- 
thers were very particular in holding up these wild men 
as excellent domestic examples; and for reasons that 
may be gathered from the history of Master 0<^ilvie 
who tells us, that « for the least offence' the bridejroom 
soundly beats his wife and turns her out of doors, and 
marries another, insomuch that some of them have every 
year a new wife." Whether this awful example had any 
influence or not, history does not mention; but it is 
certain that our grandmothers were miracles of fidelity and 
obedience. 

True it is, that the good understanding between our 
ancestors and their savage neighbours was liable to occa- 
sional inlei ruptious ; and I have heard my grandmother 
who was a very wise old woman, and well versed in the 
history of these parts, tell a long story, of a winter's even- 
ing, about a battle between the New'Amstcrdammers and 
ttie Indians, which was known by the name of the peach 
war; and which took place near a peach orchard in a 
dark glen, which for a long while went by the name of 
Murdtrer s Valley. 

The legend of this silvan war was long current among 
the nurses, old wives, and other ancient chronicles of the 



NEW YORK. 



75 



ulace • but time and improvement have almost obliterated 
both tlie tradition and the scene of battle ; for what was 
once the blood-stained valley is now in the centre of this 
populous city, and known by the name of Dey Street 

The accumulating? wealth and consequence of New 
Amsterdam and its dependencies, at length awakened the 
tender solicitude of the mother country ; who tiudmg it a 
thriving and opulent colony, and that it promised to yield 
ffieat profit and no trouble, all at once became wonder- 
fidlv anxious about its safety, and began to load it with 
tokens of regard, in the same manner that your knowing 
people are sure to overwhelm rich relations with their 
affection and loving kindness. 

The usual marks of protection shewn by mother couiu 
tries to wealthy colonies were forthwith manifested ; the 
first care always being to send rulers to the new settle, 
inent, with orders to squeeze as much revenue bom it as 
it will yield. Accordingly, in the year of our Lord, 1629, 
Mvnheer Wouter Van Twilleu, was appointed go- 
vernor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, under the 
commission and control of Iheir High Mightinesses the 
Lords States General of the United Netherlands, and the 
privileged West India Company. . ^t * . 

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New Amstcr- 
dav in the merry month of June, the sweetest month ui 
all the year •, when Dan Apollo seems to dance up the 
transparent firmament— when the robin, the thrush, and 
a thousand other wanton songsters, make the woods to 
resound with amorous ditties, and the luxurious little 
boblincon revels among the clover blossoms of the meadows ; 
all which happy coincidences persuaded the old dames ot 
New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art of foretell- 
ing events, that this was to be a happy and prosperous 
administration. 

But as it would be derogatory to the consequence of 
the first Dutch governor of the great province of Nieuw 
Nederlandts, to be thus scurvily introduced at the end 
of a chapter, 1 will put an end to this second book of my 
history, that I may usher him in with more dignity m the 
beginning of my next. 

END OF BOOIi SECOND, 
H2 



76 HISTORY OF 



BOOK THIRD. 

IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN OK 
WOUTER VAN TWILLER. 



I 



CHAP. I. 



Of the reuoicncd IVoufer Van Tuillcr, his unparalleled 

virtues — as likewise his xmutterahle uisdcm in the Lurv 

Case of Wandle Schoonhoven and Barent Blcecker — and 

the great admiration of the Public thereat. 

Grievous and very much to be rommiserated is the task 
of the feelhiof historian, who writes the history of his 
native land. If it fall to his lot to be the sad recorder of 
calamity or crime, the mournful page is watered with his 
tears : nor can he recal the most prosperous and blissful 
era, without a melancholy sioh at the refiection, that it has 
passed away for ever ! I know not whether it be owinsj 
to an immoflcrate love for the simplicity of former times, 
or to that certain tpuderness of heart incident to all senti- 
mental historians ; but I candidly confess that I cannot 
look back on the happier days of our city, which 1 now 
describe, without a sad dejection of the spirits. With a 
faltering hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion, that 
veils the modest merits of our venerable ancestors ; and as 
their figures rise to my mental vision, humble myself 
before the mighty shades. 

Such are my feelings when I revisit the family mansion 
of the Knickerbockers, and spend a lonely hour in the 
chamber where hang the portraits of my forefathers, 
shrouded in dust, like the forms they represent. With 
pious reverence do 1 gaze on the countenances of those 
renowned burghers, who have preceded me in the steady 
march of existence : whose sober and temperate blood 
now meanders through my veins, flowing slower and 
slower in its feeble cotiduits, until its current shall soon 
be stopped for ever ! 

These, say I to myself, are but fiail memorials of the 
mighty men who flourished in the days of the patriarchs \ 



NEW YORK. 77 

but who, alas, have long- since mouldered in that tomb, 
towards which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly 
hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber and lose 
myself in melancholy musings, the shadowy images around 
me almost seem to steal once more into existence : their 
countenances to assume the animation of life — their eyes 
to pursue me in every movement ! Carried away by 
the delusion of fancy, I almost imagine myself sur- 
rounded by the shades of the departed, and holding sweet 
converse with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless 
Diedrich ! born in a degenerate age, abandoned to the 
buff"elings of fortune — a stranger and a weary pilgrim in 
thy native land ; blessed with no weeping wife, nor family 
of helpless children ; but doomed to wander neglected 
through those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign 
upstarts from those fair abodes where once thine ancestors 
held sovereign empire I 

Let me not, however, lose the historian in the man, nor 
suffer the doting recollections of age to overcome me, 
while dwelling with fond garrulity on the virtuous days of 
the patriarchs — on those sweet days of simplicity and 
ease which never more will dawn on the lovely island of 
Manna-hata ! 

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twiller was 
descended from a long line of Dutch burgomasters, who 
had successively dozed away their lives, and grown fat 
upon the bench of magistracy m Rotterdam ; and who 
had comported themselves with such singuhir wisdom and 
propriety that they were never either heard or talked of — 
which, next to being universally applauded, should be the 
object of ambition to all sage magistrates and rulers. 

His surname of Twiller is said to be a corruption of 
the original Twfjjter, which in English means Doubter; a 
name admirably descriptive of his deliberative habits. 
For though he was a man shut up within himself like an 
oyster, and of such a profoundly reflective turn that he 
scarcely ever spoke except in monosyllables ; yet did he 
never make up his mind on any doubtful point. This was 
clearly accounted for by his adherents, who affirmed that 
he always conceived every subject on so comprehensive 
a scale that he had not room in his head to turn it over 
and examine both sides of it j so that he always remaiucd 



78 HISTORY Off 

in doubt, merely in consequence of the astonishing mag- 
nituJe of his ideas ! 

There are two opposite ways by which some men get 
into notice — one by talkinar a vast deal and thinking' a 
little, and the other' by holdin;^ their tongues and not 
thinking at all. By the first, many a vapouring superficial 
pretender acquires the reputation of a man of quick parts 
— by the other, many a vacant dunderpatc, like the owl, 
the stupidest of birds, comes to be complimented, by a 
discerning world, with all the attributes of wisdom. This, 
by the way, is a mere casual remark, which I would not 
for the universe have it thought I apply to Gnjvernor Van 
Twiller. On the contrary, he was a very wise Dutchman, 
for he never said a foolish thing ; and of such invincible 
gravity that he was never known to laugh, or even to 
smile through the course of a long and prosperous life. 
Certain, however, it is, theie nevei- was a matter proposed, 
however simple, and on which your common narrow- 
minded mortals would rashly determine at the first glance, 
but what the renowned Woutcr put on a mighty myste- 
rious, vacant kind of look, shook his capacious head, and 
having smoked for five minutes with redoubled earnest- 
ness, sagely observed, that " he had his doubts about 
the matter :" — which, in process of time, gained him 
the character of a man slow of belief, and not easily im- 
posed on. 

The person of this illustrious old gentleman was as 
regularly formed, and nobly proportioned, as though it had 
been moulded by the hands of some cunning Dutch 
statuary as a model of majesty and lordly grandeur. He 
was exactly five feet six inches in height, and six feel five 
inches in circumference. His head was a perfect sphere, 
far excelling in magnitude that of the great Pericles (who 
was thence waggishly called Schcnocephalus, or onion 
head) — indeed, of such stupendous dimensions was it, that 
dame Nature herself, with all her sex's ingenuity, would 
have been puzzled to construct a neck capable of support- 
ing it; wherefore she wisely declined the attempt, and 
settled it firmly on the top of his back-bone, just between 
the shoulders ; where it remained as snugly bedded as a 
ship of war in the mu<l of the Potamac. Ilis body was 
of au oblong form, particularly capacious at bottom j 



NKW YORK. '^ 

u-hichwas wisely ordered by Providence, ^^'^^^^/^ ^ 
vas a mail of sedentary habits, and very averse to he 

lie llbmu- of walking. His legs, though exeeechnsj s.u). t, 

were mlv in proportion to the weight they had to sastau. j 

To that when elect he had not a httle the 'MM-rance o a 

robustious beer barrel, standing on skids His face, that 

SbU3 index of the mind, presented a ^;as expanse, 

e^Vctly I nfurrowed or deformed by any ot those hues 
nnd allies which disfigure the human countenance with 
u" at i termed expression. Two small grey eyes t winkled 
fleb y in he midsl, like two stars of lesser magnitude, ma 
hazv fimiamenf, and his full-fed cheeks, v.hich seemed o 
have taken toll of every thing that went into his month 
were curiously mottled and streaked with dusky red, like 

'^^InSwi^^as regular as his person He daily 
took his four stated meals, appropriating exactly an nou 
o eacl • he smoked and doubted eight hours, and he slept 
e re n'a ning twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was 
t le e otvned VVouter Van Twiller-a true ph.losophe , 
for I i^ mind was either elevated above, or tranquilly set- 
tled below, the cares and perplexities of this world. He 
had lived in it for years, without feeling the east cunosity 
.fk ow whether the sun revolved round it, or it round 
the sun- and he had even watched tor at least halt a 
century,' the smoke curling from his pipe to he ceding, 
without once troubling his he.ad with any of those nume- 
us theories, by which a philosopher would have perplexed 
Lis brain, in'accounting for its rising above the surround- 

"1n hircoundi he presi.led with great state and solem- 
,.iW He ^a^ n a huge chair of solid oak hewn in the 
La"dfoestof thernague, fabricated by an experi 
cnced Timmerman of Amsterdam, and curiously carved 
about the arms and feet, into exact imitations of gigantic 
eaXs' claws. Instead of a sceptre, he ^^^Y" .^l;;"?^ 
'I .u kUh oioe wrought with jasmin and amber, which had 
i um-eSed lo a stadtlJlder of Holland, at the con- 
du km of a treaty with one of the petty Barbary pow. rs 
n t Is stately chair would he sit, and this m.gn.ncent 
pe would he smoke, shaking his nght knee with a con- 
!t otion, an,i tixing his eyes fur hours together upon a 
I c print o Amsterdam, which hung in a black frame 



80 HISTORY or 

against the opposite wall of the council chamber. Nay, 
It has even been said, that when any deliberation of 
extraordinary length and intricacy was on the carpet, fhe 
renowned Wouter would absolutely shut his eyes for fnll 
two hours at a time, that he might not be disturbed by 
external objects ^ and at such times the internal commo- 
tion of his mind was evinced by certain regular guttural 
sounds, which his admirers declared weie merely the 
noise of conflict made by his contending doubts and 
opinions. 

It is with infinite difficulty I have been enabled to col- 
lect these biographical anecdotes of the great man under 
consideration. The facts respecting him were so scattered 
and vague, and divers of them so questionable in point of 
authenticity, that I have had to give up the search after 
many, and decline the admission of still more, which would 
have tended to heighten the colouring of his portrait. 

I have been the more anxious to delineate fully the 
person and habits of the renowned Van Twiller, from the 
consideration that he was not only the first, but also the 
best governor that ever presided over this ancient and 
respectable province ; and so tranquil and benevolent was 
his reign, that 1 do not find, throughout the whole of it, a 
single instance of an oftender being brought to punish- 
ment •, — a most indubitable sign of a merciful governor, 
and a case unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the illus- 
trious King Log, from whom, it is hinted, the renowned 
Van Twiller was a lineal descendant. 

The very outset of the career of this excellent magi- 
strate, like that of Solomon, or to speak more appropri- 
ately, like that of the illustrious governor of Barataria, 
was distinguished by an example of legal acumen, that 
gave flattering presage of a wise and equitable administra- 
tion. The very morning after he had been solemnly in- 
stalled in office, and at the moment that he was making 
his breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled with 
milk and Indian pudding, he was suddenly interrupted by 
the appearance of one Wandle Schoonhoven, a very im- 
portant old burgher of New Amsterdam, who complained 
bitterly of one Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he fraudu- 
lently refused to come to a settlement of accounts, seeing 
that there was a heavy balance in favour of the said 
Wandle, (iovernor Van Twiller, as 1 have already observed. 



NEW YORK. 81 

was ;i man of few worils ; he was likewise a mortal 
eiuniy to iiniitiplyiiig writings, or being disturbed at bis 
breakfast. Having listened attentively to the statement 
of Wanillc Sehoonhoven, giving an occasional grunt, as 
lie shovelled a mighty sjxmnful of Indian pudding into 
his mouth — either as a sign that he relished the dish, or 
conjpreliended the story : he called unto him his consta- 
ble, and pulling out of his breeches pocket a huge jack- 
knife, despatched it after the defendant as a summons, 
accompaiiicd by his tobacco box as a warrant. 

Tiiis summary process was as eft'eclual in those simple 
days as was the seal ring of the great Haroun Alraschid 
among the true believers. The two parties, being con- 
frojited before him, each produced a book of accounts, 
written in a language and character that would have 
puzzled any but a higli Dutch commentator, or a learned 
deci'pherer of Egyptian obelisks, to understand. The sage 
VVouter took them one after another, and having poised 
Ihem in his hands, and attentively counted over the 
number of leaves, fell straightway into a very great doubt, 
and smoked for lialf an hour without saying a word ; at 
length, laying bis finger beside his nose, and shutting his 
eyes for a moment, with the air of' a man who has just 
caught a subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his pipe from 
his mouth, puffed forth a column of tobacco smoke, and 
with marvellous gravity and solemnity pronounced — that 
having carefully counted over the leaves and weighed the 
books, it was found, that one was just as thick and as 
ieavy as the other — therefore it was the final opinion of 
ihe court, that the accounts were equally balanced — there- 
fore Wandle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent 
should give Wandle a receipt — and the constable should 
pay the costs. 

This decision, being straightway made known, diffused 
general joy throughout New Amsterdam ; for the people 
imniediately perceived, that they had a very wise and 
equitable magistrate to rule over them. But its happiest 
effect was, that not another lawsuit took place throughout 
the whole of his administration ; and the office of consta- 
ble fell into such decay, that there was not one of those 
losel scouts known in the province for many years. I am 
the more particidar in dwelling on this transaction, not 
only because 1 deem it one of the most sage and righte* 



82 HISTORY OF "^ 

out jndpjments on record, and well worthy the attention of 
mo ern magistrates, but because it was a miraculous event 
in the history of the renowned Wouler — being the only 
time he was ever known to come to a decision, in the 
whole course of his life. 



CHAP. II. 



Containing some account of the grand Council of New 

Amsterdam, as also divers especial good philosophical 

reasons why an Alderman should be fat — rvith other 

particulars touching the Stale of the Province. 

In treating of the early governors of the province, I must 
caution my readers against confounding them, in point of 
dignity and power, vvitii those worthy gentlemen wlio are 
whimsically denominated governors in tliis enlightened 
republic — a set of unlwppy victims of popularity, who are 
in fact the most dependent, hen-pecked beings in the com- 
munity — doomed to bear the secret goadings and correc- 
tions of their own party, and the sneers and revilings of 
the whole world beside — set up like geese at Christmas 
holidays, to be pelted and shot at by every whister and 
vagabond in the land. On the contrary, the Dutch 
governors enjoyed that uncontrolled authority vested in all 
commanders of distant colonies or territories. They were 
in a manner absolute despots in their little domains, lord- 
ing it, if so disposed, over both law and gospel, antf 
accountable to none but the mother country ; which, it is 
well known, is astonishingly deaf to all complaints against 
its governors, provided they discharge the main duty of 
their station — squeezing out a good revenue. This hint 
will be of importance, to prevent my readers from being 
seized with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the course 
of this authentic history, they encounter the uncommon 
circumstance, of a governor acting with independence, and 
in opposition to the opinions of the multitude. 

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous business 
of legislation, a board of magistrates was appointed, whicli 
presided immediately over the police. This potent body 
consisted of a schout or bailift", with powers between those 
i»f the present mayor and sheriff' ; hve burgermeesters, who 



NKW YORK. 83 

were equivalent to aldermen ; and five schepens, who 
officiated as scrubs, sub-devils, or bottle-holders to the 
burgermeesters, in the same manner as do assistant alder- 
men to their principals at the present day— it being- their 
duty to till the pipes of the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the 
markets for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to dis- 
charge such other little offices of kindness, as were occa- 
sionally required. It was, moreover, tacitly understood, 
though not specifically enjoined, that they should consider 
themselves as butts for the blunt wits of the burgermeesters, 
and should laugh most heartily at all their jokes ; but this 
last was a duty as rarely called in action in those days as 
it is at present, and was shortly remitted, in consequence 
of the tragical death of a fat little schepen, who actually 
died of suffocation in an unsuccessful effort to force a 
laugh at one of burgermeester Van Zandt's best jokes. 

Tn return for these humble services, they were permitted 
to say yes and no at the council board, and to have that 
enviable privilege, the run of the public kitchen ; being 
graciously permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all 
those snug junketings and public gormandizings, for which 
the ancient magistrates were equally famous with their 
more modern successors. The post of schepen, therefore, 
like that of assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all 
your burghers of a certain description, who have a huge 
relish for good feeding, and an humble ambition to be 
great men, in a small way — who thirst after a little brief 
authority, that shall render them the terror of the almshouse 
and the bridewell — that shall enable them to lord it over 
obsequious poverty, vagrant vice, outcast prostitution, and 
hungai-driven dishonestly — that shall place in their hand 
the lesser, but galling scourge of the law, and give to 
their beck a hound-like pack of catchpoles and bum-bailiff's 
— tenfold greater rogues than the culprits they hunt down! 
— My readers will excuse this sudden warmth, which I 
confess is unbecoming of a grave historian ; but I have a 
mortal antipathy to catchpoles, bum-bailiffs, and little 
great men. 

The ancient magistrates of this city corresponded with 
those of the present time no less in form, magnitude, and 
intellect, than in prerogative and privilege. The burgo- 
masters, like our aldermen, were generally chosen by 
weight ; and not only the weight of the body, but likewise 
the weight of the head. It is a maxim practically observed 



84 HISTORY OF 

in all honest, plain thinkinof, rcsfular cities, that an alder- 
man should be fat---and the wisdom of this can be proved 
to a certainty. That the body is in some maesnie an 
imas^e of the mind, or rather that the mind is moulded to 
the body, like melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, 
has been insisted on by many men of science, who have 
made human nature their peculiar study. For as a learned 
gentleman of our own city observes, " there is a constant 
relation between the moral character of all intelligent crea- 
tures, and their physical constituliim — between their habits 
and the structure of their bodies." Thus we see, that a 
lean, spare, diminutive body is g^enerally accompanied by 
a petulant, restless, meddling mind. Either the mind 
wears down the body by its continual motion ; or else the 
body, not affording the mind sufficient hoiuse-room, keeps 
it continually in a state of fretfulness, tossing and worry- 
ing about, from the uneasiness of its situation. Whereas 
your round, sleek, fat, unwieldy periphery is ever attended 
by a mind like itself, tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; and 
we may always observe, that your well fed, robusiious 
burghers are in general very tenacious of their ease and 
comfort; being great enemies to noise, discord, and dis- 
turbance : and surely none are more likely to study the 
public tranquillity than those who are so careful of tlieir 
own. Who ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or heid- 
ing together in turbulent mobs?— No— no— it is your lean, 
hungry men, who are continually worrying society, and 
setting the whole community by the ears. 

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not sufficiently 
attended to by philosophers of the present age, allows to 
every man three souls : one immortal and rational, seated 
in the brain, that it may overlook and regulate the botly 
— a second consisting of the surly and iracible passions, 
which, like belligerent powers, lie encamped around the 
heart— a third mortal and sensual, destitute of reason, 
gross and brutal in its propensities, and enchaine<l in the 
l»e!ly, that it may not disturb the divine soul, by its raven- 
ous bowlings. Now, according to this excellent theory, 
what can be more clear, than that your fat alderman is 
most likely to have the most regular and well conditioned 
mind. His head is like a huge, spherical chamber, con- 
taining a prodigious mass of soft brains, whereon the 
rational soul lies softly and snugly couched, as on a feather 



NEW YORK. 85 

bed; and the eyes, which are Uie windows of the bed- 
chamber, are usually half closed, that its slumbering's may 
not be disturbed by external objects. A mind thus com- 
fortably lodged, and protected from disturbance, is mani- 
festly most likely to perform its functions with regulai-ity 
and ease. By dint of good feeding:, "Vnoreover, the mortal 
and malignant soul, which is confined in the belly, and 
which, by its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul in 
the neighbourhood of the heart in an intolerable passion, 
and thus renders men crusty and quairelsome when 
hungry — is completely pacified, silenced, and put to rest : 
whereupon a host of honest good fellow qualities, and 
kind-hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slily peep- 
ing out of the loopholes of the heart, finding this Cerberus 
asleep, do pluck up their spirits, turn out one anil all in their 

holiday suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm 

disposing their professors to laughter, good humour, and 
a thousand friendly offices towards his fellow mortals. 

As a board of magistrates, formed on this model, think 
but very little, they are the less likely to difier and wrangle 
about favourite opinions; and as they generally transact 
business upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally disclosed 
to be lenient and indulgent isj the adniinistration of their 
duties. Charlemagne was conscious of tiiis, and therefore 
(a pitiful measure, for which 1 can never forgive himj 
ordered in his cartularies, that no judge should hold a 
court of justice, except in the morning, on an empty 
stomach. — A rule which, I warrant, bore hard upon all the 
poor culprits in his kingdom. The more enlightened and 
humane generation of the present day have taken an 
opposite course, and have so managed that the aldermen 
are the best fed men in the community ; feasting lustily 
on the fat things of the land, and gorging so heartily 
oysters and turtles, that in process of time they acquire the 
activity of the one, and the form, the waddle, and the 
green fat of the other. The consequence is, as I have 
just said, these luxurious feastings do produce such a 
dulcet equanimity and repose of the soiil, rational and 
irrational, that their transactions are proverbial for unvary- 
ing monotony ; and the profound laws, which they enact 
in their dozing moments, amid the labours of digestion, 
are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters, and never 
enforced, when awake. In a word, your fair round bel- 

l 



^ HISTORY OF 

lied burgomasters like a full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly at 
the house door, always at home, and always at ha d f o 

r.SidaT:tfth:''S ■ '"^ r '^ ^'^^^'"^ ^ lea.,, meddll. J 
tanduidte o the office, as has now and then been done I 

would as hef put a greyhound to watch the houseror a 
race horse to dra^ an ox-wago-on ' 

weTe'wt'lfT'"' l!''"' "%' ^""" already mentioned, 
ZlktZ^lV ^y ''"^''*' ^"'^ '^'^ schepens, o.- 

assii,tant aldermen, were appointed to attend upon them 
and AeZ^ ,A,^ ,, «, . b«t the latter, in the cou.Tof t me' 
when they had been fed and fattened into sufficient bulk of 
body and drowsiness of brain, became very eligible caKif 

sdvTs hlti offi^""^""'^'"^' ^'^"- ' '^'^ ^^^'-'y -^- them, 
selves into office, as a mouse eats his way into a comfort- 

Nothing could equal the profound deliberations that 
took place between the renowned Wouter and hese hi! 
worthy compeers, unless it be the sage divaTof some of 
our modern corporations They would fit for hours smoking 
and doz.ngover public affairs, without speaking a word to 
nterrupt that perfect stillness, so necessary to deep.eflee- 
tion. Under tlie sober sway of Wouter Van Twille. and 
these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settlemen w\xed 

fSrinrrV^Kv'"^''.^ "^"'--^^"'^ ^-™ theTwam^r^nl 
and coun V c '^; "^ '''"' ™"'^'^^ appearance of town 
ana country, customary m new cities, and which at this 
day may be witnessed in the city of Washington tha 

anc^irp^tiT'^^' ^''''' ™^^^^ - ^•--- - "PP-- 
hnli 7^u "" P'^^«.\"? s'ght in those times, to behold the 
b^'h a'"t',fe d ' '^^^P^tnarchof yore,%eated on he 

ha e a s^ ve!'"7''.^ ."lelody, which may trul'y be said to 
na>e a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a ce.f^in 
assurance of profitable marketing *^«"^eys a ceitam 

The modern spectator, who wanders through the streets 
of this populous city, can scarcely form an idia of the dif! 



NEW YORK 87 

ferent appearance they presented in the primitive days of 
the Doubter. The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of 
revehy, the rumhlinof equipages of fashion, the rattling of 
accursed carts, and all the spirit-grieving sounds of brawl- 
ing commerce, were unknown in the settlement of New 
Amsterdam. The grass grew quietly in the highways ; 
the bleating sheep and frolicsome calves sported about 
the verdant ridge where now the Broadway loungers take 
their morning stroll ; the cunning fox or ravenous wolf 
skulked in the woods where now are to be seen the dens 
of Gomez and his righteous fraternity of money brokers ; 
and flocks of vociferous geese cackled about the helds 
where now the great Tammany wigwam and the patriotic 
tavern of Mart ling echo with the wranglings of the mob. 

In these good times did a true and enviable equality of 
rank and property prevail, equally removed from the 
arrogance of wealth, and the servility and heartbm'uings of 
repining poverty ; and what in my mind is still moie con- 
ducive to tranquillity and harmony among friends, a happy 
equality of intellect was likewise to be seen. The minds 
of the good burghers of New Amsterdam seemed all to 
have been cast in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt 
sort of minds which, like certain manufactures, are made 
by the gross, and considered as exceedingly good for com- 
mon use. 

Thus it happens that your true dull minds are generally 
preferred for public employ, and especially promoted to 
city honours ; your keen intellects, like razors, being con- 
sidered too sharp for common service. 1 know that it is 
common to rail at the unequal distribution of riches as the 
great source of jealousies, broils, and heart-breakings ; 
whereas for my part, 1 verily believe it is the sad inequa- 
lity of intellect that prevails, that embroils communities 
more than any thing else j and I have remarked that your 
knowing people, who are so much wiser than any body 
else, are eternally keeping society in a ferment. Happily 
for New Amsterdam nothing of the kind was known within 
its walls — the very words of learning, education, taste, and 
talents, were unheard of---a bright genius was an animal 
unknown, a blue-stocking lady would have been regarded 
with as much wonder as a horned frog or a tiery dragon. 
No man in fact seemed to know more than his neighbour, 
nor any man to know much more than an honest man 

12 



88 



HISTORY or 



ought to know, who has nobudy's business to raind but hia 
own ■ the- parsou and the council cicik were the only men 
that couki read ni the community, and the sage Van 
1 wiilcr always signed his name with a cross. 

Thnce happy and ever to be envied little Bnr<rh ' exist 
mg m all the security of harmless insignificance-"-nnno- 
ticed and unenvied by the world, without ambition, with- 
out vam-glory, without riches, without learning, and all 
then- tram of carking cares 5 and as of yo.e, in better day. 
of man, the deities were wont to visit him on earth, and 
bless his rural habitations ; so we are told, in the silvan 
days of New Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas would 
otten make his appearance, in his beloved city, of a holi 
day afternoon riding jollily among the tree tops, or over 
the roofs of the houses, now and then drawing forth majr- 
nificent presents from his breeches pockets, and droppi,,.. 
them down the chimneys of his favourites. Whereas in 
these degenerate days of iron and brass, he never shows 
us the ight ot his countenance, nor ever visits us, save 
one mght in the year; when he rattles down the clumnevs 
ot the descendants of the patriarchs, confining his presents 
merely to the children, in token of the degeneracy of the 
parents. '' 

Such are the comforts and thriving effects of a fat 
government. The province of the New Netherlands, des- 
titute of wealth, possessed a sweet tranquillity, that wealth 
could never purchase. It seemed indeed as if old Saturn 
had again commenced his reign, and renewed the days of 
primeval simplicity. For the golden age, says Ovid, was 
totally destitute ot gold, and for that very reason was called 
the golden age; that is, the happy and fortunate age— 
berau.se the evils produced by the precious metals, such as 
avarice, covetousness, theft, rapine, usury, banking, note- 
shavMig, lottery-insuring, and the whole catalogue of 
crimes and grievances, were then unknown. In the iron 
age there was abundance of gold ; on that very account it 
was called the iron age, because of the hardships, the 
abours, the dissensions, and the wars, occasioned by the 
tlinst ot gold. •' 

The genial days of Wouter Van Twiller, therefore, 
may truly be termed the golden age of our city. There 
were neither public coimnotions, nor private quarrels- 
neither parties, nor sects, nor schisms ; neither prosecu- 



NEW YORK. 89 

tions, nor trials, nor punishments ; nor were there coun- 
sellors, attorneys, catchpoll, or hang.n.n Every mau 
attended to what little business he was lucky enough to 
have, or neglected it if he pleased, without asking he 
opinion of hi neighbour. In those days -body meddled 
with concer... above his comprehension, nor thiust his 
nose into other people^s affairs -nor neglected to correct 
his own conduct, and reform his own character, m his 
zeal to pull to pieces the characters ot others 5 but m a 
word every respectable citizen eat when he was not 
hung'ry, drank when he was not thirsty, and went regu- 
Varly to bed when the sun set and the fow s went to roost, 
whether he were sleepy or not •, all which tended so 
remarkably to the population of the settlement, hat I am 
told every dutiful wife throughout New Amsterdam made 
I point oLlways enriching her husband with at eas one 
child a year, and very often a brace : this superabundance 
of o-ood things clearly constituting the true luxury of ife, 
acceding to the favourite Dutch maxim, that « more than 
enough constitutes a feast." Every thing therefore went 
on exactly as it should do, and in the usual words em- 
ployed by historians to express the welfare of a country, 
« the profoundest tranquillity SiuA repose reigned through- 
out the province." 



CHAP. HI. 



How the Town of New Amsterdam arose out of m,tid,and 

came to be marvellously polished and poUte--togetlwr 

with a picture of our eat great Grandfathers. 

Manifold are the taste and dispositions of the enlight- 
ened literati, who turn over lue pages of history. Some 
there be whose hearts are brimful ot the yeast of courage, 
and whose bosoms do work, and swell, and foam, with 
untried valour, like a barrel of "^w cider or a tram ba.H^ 
captain, fresh from under the hands of h.s tailo . Ihis 
dou.^hty class of readers can be satisfied with nothing but 
bloody battles and horrible encounters ; they must be 
continually storming forts, sacking cities, springing mines 
nmrching up to the muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet 
through every page, and revelling ni gunpowder and 



90 



HISTORY or 



carnap. Olhc.s, uho are of a less martial, but equallv 
'••I'-'t una^umtm..,a„d who, withal, area 1 ttle gi?e„ t^ 
tne marvellous, w.ll dwell with wo.ulerous satisfacio o,^ 
^lescr.p(,o„s ot pro.ligies, unheard-of events, ha r-1 Zuh 
escapes hardy adventures, and all those astonishing n^'ra 
S: *''^; ^r S -?>'^'^ -'-^ the boundary line of W 
bd.ty A ihud class, who, not (o speak slightly of hem 
are of a h^hter turn, and skim over the records of past' 

ir 1 , '^laxatioM and innocent amusement, do sin^u 
lary del.ght m treasons, executions, Sabine rapjs, TaZ 1 

To! ue^?,'";''^'^'"^-'""^' -"-l--* and all thLo h re ' 
lo-ueot hideous cnmes, Ihallike cayem.e in cookery do 
S.ve a puns:e„cy and flavour to the dull detail of hi or 
'l\r a fourth class, of more philosophic habits, do di i' 
gently poreover the musty chronicles of time, to inles 

It the three first classes, find but little wherewithal to 
solace themselves in the tranquil rei^n of Woute Va," 
rwd er, I entreat them to exert their patience for awhde 
and bear w.th the tedious picture of happiness, p,U^>eri v' 
and peace, which my duty as a faithful histo i'ln o'b S 
me to draw; and I promise them, that as soon as I Pan 
possibly hght upon any thing horrible, uncommon o ,m 

S inmenr''??'^T' '"^ ' ^"' -'^-t a^Sd'lhem 
cMtcitainment. This being premised, I turn with -.eat 

n en, oi, f possible, women after my own heat • erave 

phiosoph.ca, and investigating; fond of anal^zi'n.^ di ' 

racters, of laking a start from filst cause., and s^o lulm ;: 

a nation down, through all the mazes of innovation ad 

mprovement Such will naturally be anxious to wtns 

he first developement of the newly hatched colony a1^ 

l)e primitive manners and customs prevalent anioLts 

juh^itants, during t 

n.Um^^tf1'J" *'''"' ^''''"''' ^""^^'^'•' '^y describing 

Th : .ncreaseand improvement of ]\ew Amste,! 

hP ;.l IT •"'a^^»"^«i^»'« will doubtless present to 

them the good burgher,, like so many pains-takmg and 



NEW YORK. 91 

persevering bca-ers, slowly and smely pursuing their 
abours ; they will behold the prosperous transtoruiatiou 
from the rude hxg hut to the stately Dutch mansion, with 
brick front, glazed windows, and tiled roof 5 from the 
tana-led thivket to the luxuriant cabbage garden ; and trom 
the skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster. n a 
word, they will picture to themselves the steady, silent, 
and undeviating march to prosperity, incident to a city 
destitute of pride or ambition, cherished by a fat govern- 
nienl, and whose citizens do nothing m a hurry. 

The sa-e council, as has been mentioned m a preceding 
chapter, not being able to determine upon any plan tor 
the building of their city ^ the cows, in a laudable h ot 
patriotism, took it under their particuar charge, and as 
Ihey went to and from pasture, established paths hroug 
the bushes, on each side of which the good folks built 
their houses : which is one cause of the rambling and pic- 
tnresque turns and labyrinths, which distinguish certain 
streets of New York at this very day. 

Some, it must be noted, who were strenuous partisans 
of IVIvnheer Ten Breeches (or Ten-broeck), vexed that 
his plan of digging canals was not adopted, made a com- 
promise with their inclinations, by establishing themselves 
on the margins of those creeks and inlets, which mean- 
dered through various parts of the ground laid ou tor 
improvement. To these may be particularly ascribed the 
first settlement of Broad Street ; which originally was built 
along a creek, that ran up to what at present is called 
Wall Street. The lower part soon became very busy and 
populous i and a ferry house* was in process of time 
established at the head of it ; being at that day called the 
head of inland navigation." ^ , „ , ^„ .u^ 

The disciples of Mynheer Tough Breeches, on the 
other baud, no less enterpri:,ing, and more industrious 
than their rivals, stationed themselves along the shore ot 
the river, and laboured, with unexampled perseverance, 
in making little docks and dykes, from which originated 
that multitude of mud traps with which this city is 
friuL-ed ' To these docks would the old burghers repair, 
just at' those hours when the falling tide had lelt the 
- Tlus house has been sevend times ..paired, and at present isj| 
- ..a.! ;el(r briek house. No. 23. IJroad Street, -'';/'-,[^^': 'r,;;^ 
1., ii...%lreet suriuuiuled Willi ai. irou rod. 01. whieh, lui U vvilnu 
unci or foui 'yeail^ . hllle hou fcny boat oihciuLed a. weaihucock 



92 HISTORY OF 

beach uncovered, that they might snufF up the fragrant 
effluvia of mud and mire ; which they observed had a 
truly wholesome smell, and reminded them of the canals 
of Holland. To the indefatigable labours, and praise, 
worthy example of this latter class of projectors, aie we 
indebted for the acres of artificial ground, on which 
several of our streets in the vicinity of the rivers are 
built ; and which, if we may credic the assertions of se/e- 
ral learned physicians of this city, have been very effica- 
cious in producing the yellow fever. 

The houses of the higher class were generally con- 
structed of wood, excepting the gable-end, which was of 
small black and yellow Dutch bricks, and always faced 
on the street •, as our ancestors, like their descendants, 
were very much given to outward show, and were noted 
for putting the best leg foremost. The house was always 
furnished with abundance of large doors and small win- 
dows on every floor ; the date of its erection was curi- 
ously designated by iron figures on the front ; and on the 
lop of the roof was perched a fierce little weathercock, 
to let the family into the important secret, which way the 
wind blew. These, like the weathercocks on the tops of 
our steeples, pointed so many different ways that every 
man could have a wind to his mind ; and you would have 
thought old iEolus had set all his bags of wind adrift, 
pell-mell, to gambol about this windy metropolis ; the 
most stanch and loyal citizens, however, always went 
acccording to the weathercock on the top of the governor's 
house, which was certainly the most correct, as he had a 
trusty servant employed every murning to climb up and 
point it whichever way the wind blew. 

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine, pas- 
sion for cleanliness was the leading principle in domestic 
economy, and the universal test of an able housewife : a 
character which formed the utmost ambition of our 
unenlightened grandmothers. The front door was never 
opened except on marriages, funerals, new-year's days, 
the festival of St. Nicholas, or some such great occasion. 
It was ornamented with a gorgeous brass knocker, 
curiously wrought, sometimes into the device of a dog, 
and somt times of a lion's head ; and was daily burnislied 
with such religious zeal that it was oft-times worn out 
by fhe very precautions taken for its preservation. Tiie 
whole house was constantly in a state of inundation, under 



NEW YORK. ^" 

the discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing-brushes ; 

lud he V^l housewives of those days were a ku.d of 

:^phibious animai, delighting exceedn.gly to be clabW.n, 

in vvater-insomuch that an historian of the dayg.avely 

ZWul that many of his towhswomen grew o have 

vebbed iingers like unto a duck ; and some of them, he 

h^d Utile d!ubt, could the matter be e-mujed u>to would 

be found to have the tads of mermaids : but this 1 loo^ 

upolAo be a mere sport of fancy, or what is worse, a 

wilful misrepresentation. 

The grand parlour was the sanctum sanctorum, where 
the paslion for cleaning was indulged -Uhout control 
In this sacred apartment no one was admitted to entei, 
excep ng the mistress and her conhdential maid, whi 
visS it once a week ; for the purpose of giving it a 
trough cleaning, and putting things to rights ; always 
iak nl the precaution of leaving their shoes at he door, 
and entering devoutly on their stocking feet After 
^^ubbi^^g the floor, sprinkling it w th hue white sand 
which was curiously stroked into angles and curves and 
domboids, with a broom-after washing the windows^ 
rbbn' ad polishing the furniture, and putting a new 
bunc of evergreens in the fire-place ; the wmdovv-shutters 
were again cfosed to keep out the fl.es, and the room 
TarefulTy locked up until the revolution of time brought 
round the weekly cleaning day. 

As to the familv, they always entered m at the gate, 
and nio.t generally lived in the kitchen. To have seen 
a numerous household assembled around t^je fije> «"« 
would have imagined that he was transported back to 
those happy days of primeval simplicity, whidi float 
before our imaginations like golden visions. 1 he h.e- 
places were of a truly patriarchal magni ude, "here the 
Ihole familv, old and young, master and servant, black 
and white, nay, even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a coni- 
munity of privilege, and had each a prescrip ive right to 
a corner. Here the old burgher would sit in perfec 
silence, pufiing his pipe, looking in the fire with half shut 
eves, and thinking of nothing for hours together ^ the 
Poede vrouw on the opposite side would employ herself 
dili^rently in spinning her yarn, or knitting- stockings 1 he 
vomi- t-olks would crowd around the hearth l.steui.g 
iilh breathless attention to some old crone ot a negro, 
who was the oracle of the family •, and who, perched like 



94 



HISTORY OF 



a raven in a corner of the chimney, would croak forth for 
a long winter afternoon a string of incredible stories about 
JNew-Lngland witches, grisly ghosts, horses without heads, 
and hair-breadth escapes, and bloody encounters among 
the Indians. * 

In those happy days a well-regulated family always rose 
with the dawn, dined at eleven, and went to bed at sun- 
down. Dinner was invariably a private meal, and the fat 
old burghers showed incontestible symptoms of disap- 
probation and uneasiness, at being surprized by a visit 
trom a neighbour on such occasions. But though our 
worthy ancestors were thus singularly averse to giving 
dinners, yet they kept up the social bands of intimacy by 
occasional banquetings, called tea parties. 

As this is the first introduction of those delectable 
orgies, which have since become so fashionable in this 
city, I am conscious my fair readers will be very curious 
to receive information on the subject. Sorry am I that 
there will be but little in my description calculated to 
excite their admiiation. I can neither delight them with 
accounts of suffocating crowds, nor brilliant drawino-. 
rooms, nor towering feathers, nor sparkling diamonds, nor 
immeasurable trains. I can detail no choice anecdotes of 
scandal, for in those primitive times the simple folk were 
either too stupid or too good-natured to pull each other's 
characters to pieces : nor can I furnish any whimsical 
anecdotes of brag; how one lady cheated, or another 
bounced into a passion ; for as yet there was no junto of 
dulcet old dowagers, who met to win each other's money, 
and lose their own tempers at a card table. 

These fashionable parties were generally consigned to 
the higher classes, or noblesse, that is to say, such as 
kept then- own cows, and drove their own Maggons. The 
company commonly assembled at three o'clock, and went 
away about six, unless it was in winter time, when the 
fasluonable hours were a little earlier, that the ladies mio-ht 
get home before dark. 1 do not find that they ever 
treated their company to iced creams, jellies, or sylla- 
bubs J or regaled them with musty almonds, mouldy rai- 
sins, or sour oranges, as is often done in the present a^-e 
of refinement. Our ancestors were fond of more sturdy, 
substantial fare. The tea table was crowned with a huge 
earthen dish, well stored with slices of fat pork, fried 
brown, cut up into morsels, and swimming in gravy. The 



NEW YORK. 95 

company being seated around the grnial board, and 
each furnished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in 
launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty dish : in 
much the same manner as sailors harpoon porpoises at 
sea, or our Indians spear salmon in the lakes. Sometimes 
the table was graced with immense apple pies, or saucers 
full of preserved peaches and pears ; but it was always 
sure to boast an enormous dish of balls of sweetened 
dough, fried in hog's fat, and calUd dough nuts, or oly 
koeks : a delicious kind of cake, at present scarce known 
in this city, excepting in genuine Dutch families. 

The tea was served out of a majestic delft fea-pot, 
ornamented with paintings of fat little Dutch shepherds 
and shepherdesses, tending pigs — with boats sailing in the 
air, and houses built in the clouds, and sundry other 
ingenious Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished them- 
selves by their adroitness in replenishing this pot, from 
a huge copper tea-kettle, which would liave made the 
pigmy macaronies of these degenerate days sweat, merely 
to look :it it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar 
was laid beside each cup — and the company alternately 
nibbled and sipped with great decorum, until an improve- 
ment was introduced by a shrewd and economic old lady, 
which was, to suspend a large lump directly over the lea 
table, by a string from the ceiling, so that it could be 
swung from mouth to mouth — an ingenious expedient, 
which is still kept up by some families in Albany •, but 
which prevails without exception in Communipaw, Ber- 
gen, Flat-Bush, and all our uncontaminated Dutch vil- 
lages. 

At these primitive tea parties the utmost propriety and 
dignity of deportment prevailed. No flirting nor coquet- 
ting — no gambling of old ladies, nor hoyden chattering 
and romping of young ones — no self-satisfied struttings 
of wealthy gentlemen, with their brains in their pockets; 
nor amusing conceits, and monkey divertisements of 
smart young gentlemen, with no brains at all. On the 
contrary, the young ladies seated themselves demurely in 
their rush-bottomed chairs, and knit their own woollen 
stockings ; nor ever opened their lips, excepting to say 
yah Mynheer i or yah ya Vrouw^ to any question that was 
asked them ! behaving, in all things, like decent well- 
educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each of them 



96 HISTORY OF 

tranquilly smoked his pipe, and seemed lost in contem- 
plation of the blue and white tiles, with which the fire- 
places were decorated j wherein sundry passages of scrip- 
ture were piously pourtrayed : Tobit and his dog fissured 
to great advantage ; Haman swung coi.spicuouly on his 
gibbet J and Jonah appeared most manfully bouncing out 
of the whale, like harlequin through a barrel of fire. 

The parties broke up without noise and without con- 
fusion. They were carried home by their own carriages, 
that is to say, by the vehicles Nature had provided them, 
excepting such of the wealthy as could afford to keep a 
waggon. The gentlemen gallantly attended theii f. lir ones 
to their respective abodes, and took leave of them with a 
hearty smack at the door: which, as it was an established 
piece of etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and honesty 
of heart, occasioned no scandal at that lime, nor should it 
at the present — if our great grandfathers approved of the 
custom, it would argue a great want of reverence in their 
descendants to say a word against it. 

CHAP. IV. 

Containing farther -particulars of the Golden Age, and 

what constituted a fine Lady and Gentleman in the days 

of Walter the Doubter. 

lisr this dulcet period of my history, when the beauteous 
island of Manna-hata presented a scene, the very coun- 
terpart of those glowing pictures drawn of the golden 
reign of Saturn, there was, as I have before observed, a 
happy ignorance, an honest simplicify prevalent among 
its inhabitants, which, were I even able to depict, would 
be but little understood by the degenerate age for which 
I am doomed to write. Even the female sex, those arch 
innovators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, the gray- 
beard customs of society, seemed for awhile to conduct 
themselves with incredible sobriety and comeliness, and 
in<leed behaved almost as if they had not been sent into 
the world to bother mankind, baffle philosophy, and 
vonfound the universe. 

Their hair, untortured by the abominations of art, was 



NEW YORK. 97^ 

scrupulously pomatumed back from their foreheads with 
a candle, and covered with a little cap of quilted calico 
which fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats of 
Inisey woolsey were striped with a variety of ffor^eous 
dyes, nvalluig the many coloured robes of Iris— though 
1 must confess these gallant garments were rather short 
scarce reaching below the knee ; but then they made up' 
in the number, which generally equalled that of the 
gentlemen's small clothes ; and what is still more praise 
worthy, they were all of their own manufacture— of which 
cncumstaiice, as may well be supposed, they were not a 
little vain. 

These weie the honest days in which every woman staid 
at home, read the Bible, and wore pockets— ay, and that 
too of a goodly size, fashioned with patchwork into many 
curious devices, and ostentatiously worn on the outside. 
I hese, m fact, were convenient receptacles, where all good 
housewives carefully stored away such things a«! thev 
wished to have at hand -, by which means they often came 
to be mcredibly crammed— and I remember there was a 
story current when I was a boy, that the lady of Wouter 
\an TwUler once had occasion to empty ht r ri^^.t pocket 
in search of a wooden ladle, and the utensil wasdiscovered 
lying among some rubbish in one corner ; biit we must 
not give too much faith to all these stories, the anecdotes 
of these remote periods being very subject to exaggeration. 

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise wore scissars 
and pincushions suspended from their girdles by red 
ribands, or among the more opulent and showy classes, 
by brass and even silver chains— indubitable tokens of 
thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters— I cannot sav 
much m vindication of the shortness of the petticoats : it 
doubtless was introd.ced for the purpose of giving the 
-stockings a chance to be seen, which were generally of 
bb.e worsted with magnificent red clocks— or perhaps to 
display a well-turned ancle, and a neat though serviceable 
foot, set off by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a lar-e 
and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find that the gentle 
sex in all ages have shown the same disposition to infringe 
a little upon the laws of decorum, in order to betray a 
lulling beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery 

From the sketch here given it will be seen, that our good 
grandmothers differed considerably in tiieir ideas of a fine 

K 



98 HISTORY or 

figure, from their scantily dressed deecendanls of the 
present day. A fine lady, in those times, waddled under 
more clotlies, even on a fair summer's day, than would 
have clad the whole be^•y of a modern ball-room. Nor 
were they the less admired by the gentlemen in consequence 
thereof. On the contrary, the greatness of a lover*s 
passion seemed to increase in pioportion to the magnitude 
of its object — and a voluminous damsel, arrayed in a 
dozen of petticoats, was declared by a low Dutch sonnet- 
teer of the province to be radiant as a sun-flower, and 
luxuriant as a fiiU-blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in 
those days the heart of a lover could not contain more 
than one lady at a time ; whereas the heart of a modern 
gallant has often room enough to accommodate half a 
dozen ; the reason of which I conclude to be, that either 
the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger, or the 
persons of the ladies smaller ; this, however, is a question 
for physiologists to determine. 

But there was a secret charm in these petticoats which, 
no doubt, entered into the consideration of the prudent 
gallants. The wardrobe of a lady was in those days her 
only fortune ^ and she who had a good stock of petticoats 
and stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a Kamts- 
chatka damsel with a store of bear skins, or a Lapland 
belle with a plenty of reindeer. Tlie ladies, therefore, 
were very anxious to display these powerful attractions to 
the greatest advantage ; and the best rooms of the house, 
instead of being adorned with caricatures of dame Nature 
in water colours and needlework, were always hung round 
with abundance of homespun garments, the manufacture 
and the property of the females — a piece of laudable 
ostentation that still prevails among the heiresses of our 
Dutch villages. Such were the beauteous belles of the 
ancient city of New Amsterdam, rivalling in primeval 
simplicity of manners the renowned and courtly dames, so 
loftily sung by Dan Homer — who tells us, that the princess 
Nausicaa washed the family linen, and the fair Penelope 
wove her own petticoats. 

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the circles of the 
gay world in these ancient times, corresponded, in most 
paiticulars, with the beauteous damsels whose smiles they 
were ambitious to deserve. True it is, their merits would 
make but a very inconsiderable impression upon the heart 



f 



VEW YORK. 90 

of a mo n far j they neither drove their curricles nor 
sported their tandems, for as yet those gaudy vehicles 
Mere not even dreamed of j neither did they distinguish 
themselves by their brilliancy at the table, and their 
consequent rencontres with watchmen 5 for our forefathers 
were of too pacihc a disposition to need those guardians 
of the night, every soul throughout the town being in full 
snore before nine o'clock. Neither did they establish their 
claims to gentility at the expense of their tailors, for as yet 
those oft'enders against the pockets of society, and the 
tranquillity of all aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown 
in New Amsterdam; every food housewife made the 
clothes of her husband and family, and even the goede 
vrouw of Van Twiiler himself thought it no disparagement 
to cut out her husband's linsey woolsey galligaskins. 

Not but what there were some two or three youngsters 
who manifested the first dawnings of what is called fire 
and spirit ; who held all labour in contempt ; skulked 
about docks and market-places; loitered in the sunshine; 
squandered what little money they could procure at hustle- 
cap and chuckfarthing ; swore, boxed, fought cocks, and 
raced their neighbours' horses — in short, who promised to 
be the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the town, had 
not their stylish career been unfortunately cut sb(U"t by au 
affair of honour with a whipping-post. 

Far other, however, was the truly fashionable gentleman 
of those days — his dress, which served for both morning 
and evening, street and drawing-room, was a linsey woolsey 
coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the mistress of his 
affections, and gallantly bedecked with abundance of large 
brass buttons. Half a score of breeches heightened the 
proportions of his figure — his shoes were decorated by 
enormous copper buckles — a low-crowned broad-brimmed 
hat overshadowed his hurley visage, and his hair dangled 
down his back in a prodigious queue of eel skin. 

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally forth with pipe 
in mouth to besiege some fair damsel's obdurate heart — 
not such a pipe, good reader, as that which Acis did 
sweetly tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of the true 
delft manufacture, and furnished with a charge of fragrant 
Cowpen tobacco. With this would he resolutely set 
himself down before the fortress, and rarely failed, in the 
process of time, to smoke the fair enemy into a surrender 
upon honourable terms. K 2 



1®^ HISTORY OF 

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van Twiller 
celeDrated in many a long forgotten song as the real J den 
age, the rest being nothing but counte.feit cop per- wa hod 
cu.n. In that dehghtful period a sweet and holy c^rn 
re.gned over the whole province. The hnrgom^s L^ 
.moked h.s p.pe ,n peace-the substantial soIaL of his 
domestic cares, after her daily toils were <ione, sat soberly 
at the door, with her arms crossed over her aprin of snowy 
white, without being insulted by ribald street-wrike l Z 
vagabond boys those unlucky Urchins wh^do so infe" 
our streets, displaying under the roses of youth the thonis 
and briers of iniquity. Then it was that the lover with en 
breeches, and the damsel with petticoats of half a score 
uidulged in all the innocent endearments of virtuous o^e' 
without fear and without reproach, for what had that' 
virtue to ear which was defended by a shield of <.ood 
!inrilKj:^f " ''-' ^^ ^^^^ -- ^""-'^'^^-f 
Ah blissful, and never to be forgotten age ! when everv 
hing was better than it has ever been since, or ever wH 
be again- when Buttermilk channel was qui e dry at 1 
water---when the shad in the Hudson w2 e al Lb lo . 
and when the moon shone with a pure and resple deni 
whiteness, instead of that melancholy yellow ligh, which 
IS the consequence of her sickening at the abol.inations 
she every night witnesses in this degenerate city • 

Happy would it have been for Kew Amste,d;.m, could 
11 always have existed in this state of blissful ignora Ze 
and lowly simplicity ; but alas ! the days of childC re 
oo sweet to last ! Cities, like men, g/ow on o 1^,; n 
time, and are doomed alike to grow into the bustle, I " 
cares, and miseries of the world. Let no man cong.ah.Ia e 
mselt when he beholds the child of his boso.n, or the 
Lt^'] r ' increasing in magnitude and importance 
---let the history of his own life teach him the dan<^ers of 
he one, and th.s history of Manna-hata convince him of 
liie calamities ol the other. 



NEW YORK. 101 



CHAP. V. 



In which the Reader is beguiled info a delectable walky 
which ends very different li/ from what it commenced. 

In the yeai- of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and 
four, on a tine afternoon, in the s^lowing month of Sep- 
tenibi-r, I took my customary walk upon the battery, 
which is at once the pride and bulwark of this ancient and 
impreginible city of New York. I remember well the 
season, for it imujediately preceded that remarkably cold 
winter, in which our sagacious corporation, in a freak of 
economical philanthropy, pulled to pieces, at an exjience 
of several hundred dollars, the wooden ramparts which had 
cost them several thousand ; and distributed the rotten 
fragments, which were worth considerably less than 
nothing, among the shivering poor of the city. Never 
since the fall of the walls of Jericho, or the heaven-built 
battlements of Troy, had there been known such a demo- 
lition — nor did it go unpunished \ multitudes were 
blinded in vain attempts to smoke themselves warm with 
this charitable substitute for fire wood ; and an epidemic 
complaint of sore eyes was moreover produced, which has 
since recurred every M'inter, particularly among those 
who undertake to burn rotten logs — who warm them- 
selves with the charity of others — or who use patent 
chimneys. 

On the year and month just designated did I lake my 
accustomed walk of meditation, on that same battery, 
which, though at present no battery, furnishes the most 
delightful walk, and commands the noblest prospect in 
the whole known world. The ground on which 1 trod was 
hallowed by recollections of the past ; and as I slowly 
wandered through the long alley of poplars, which, like so 
many birch brooms standing on end, diffused a melancholy 
and lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a contrast 
between the surrounding scenery, and what it was in the 
classic days of our forefathers. Where the government 
house by name, but the custom house by occupation, 
proudly reared its brick walls and wouden pillars, there 
whilome stood the low but substantial red-tiled mansion of 
the renowned VVoutci- Van Twilkr. Aroun<J it the mighty 



102 HISTORY OF 

biilwaiks of fort Amsterdam frowned defiance to every 
absent foe ; but, like many a whiskered warrior and g^allant 
militia captain, confined their martial deeds to frowns 
alone; alas 1 those threatening bulwarks had lonof since 
been sapped by time, and, like the walls of Carthaj^e, pre- 
sented no traces to the incjuiring eye of the antiquarian. 
The mud breast-works had lono; been levelled with the 
earth, and their site converted into the green lawns and 
leafy alleys of the battery ; where the j^ay apprentice 
sporteii his Sunday coat, and the laborious mechanic, 
relieved from the dirt and drud;^ery of the week, poured 
his weekly tale of love into the half-averted ear of the 
sentimental chambermaid. Tiiecapacious bay still presented 
the same expansive sheet of water, studded with islands, 
sj)rinkled with fishing boats, and bounded by shores of 
picturesque beauty. But the dark forests which once 
clothed these shores had been violated by the savage hand 
of cultivation, and their tangled mazes and impenetrable 
thickets had degenerated into teeming orchards and waving 
fields of grain. Even Governor's Island, once a smiling 
garden, appertaining to the sovereigns of the province, was 
now covered with fortifications, enclosing a tremendous 
block house — so that this once peaceful island resembled a 
fierce little warrior in a big cocked hat, breathing gun- 
powder and defiance to the woi Id ! 

For some time did I indulge in this pensive train of 
thought 5 contrasting, in sober sadness, the present day 
with the hallowed years behind the mountains ; lamenting 
the melancholy progress of improvement, and piaising the 
zeal with which our worthy burghers endeavour to preserve 
the wrecks of venerable customs, prejudices, and errors, 
from the overwhelming tide of modern innovation — when 
by degrees my ideas took a different turn, a«d I insensibly 
awaked to an enjoyment of the beauties around me. 

it was one of those rich autumnal days which heaven 
paiticularly bestows upon the beauteous island of IVIanna- 
hata and its vicinity — not a floating cloud obscured the 
azure firmament — the sun rolling in glorious splendour 
through his etherial course, seemed to expand his honest 
Dutch countenance into an unusual expression of benevo- 
lence, as he smiled his evening saluiation upon a city 
which he delights to visit with his most bounteous beams ; 
tiie very winds seemed to hold in their breaths in mute 



NEW YORK. 103 

attention, lest they should ruffle the tranquillity of the 
hour — and the waveless bosom of the bay presented a 
polished mirror, in which Nature beheld herself and 
smiled. The standard of our city, which, like a choice 
handkerchief, is reserved for days of gala, hung motionless 
on the flag-stafF, which forms the handle to a gigantic 
churn ; and even the tremulous leaves of the poplar and 
the aspen, which, like the tongues of the immortal sex, are 
seldom still, now ceased to vibrate to the breath of heaven. 
Every thing seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose of 
nature. The formidable eighteen pounders sle|)t in the 
embrazures of the wooden batteries, seemingly gathering 
fresh strength to fight the battles of their country on the 
next 4th of July — the solitary drum on Governor's Islaud 
forgot to call the garrison to their shovels — the evening 
gun had not yet sounded its signal, for all the regular, 
well meaning poultry throughout the country, to go to 
roost ; and the fleet of canoes, at anchor between Glibbet 
Island and Communipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and 
suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while unmolested 
in the soft mud of their native banks ! My own feelings 
sympathized with the contagious tranquillity, and I should 
infallibly have dozed upon one of those fragments of 
benches, which our benevolent magistrates have piovided 
for the benefit of convalescent loungers, had not the 
extraordinary inconvenience of the couch set all repose at 
defiance. 

In the midst of this soothing slumber of the soul, my 
attention was attracted to a black speck, peering above 
the western horizon, just in the rear of Bergen steeple — 
gradually it augments and overhangs the would-be cities 
of Jersey, Harsimus, and Hoboken, which, like three 
jockeys, are starting on the course of existence, and jostling 
each other at the commencement of the race. Now it 
skirts the long shore of ancient Pavonia, spreading its 
wide shadows from the high settlements of Weehawk 
qui!e to the lazaretto and quarantine, erected by t!u 
sagacity of our police, for the embarrassment of commerce 
— now it Climbs the serene vault of heaven, cloud rolling 
over cloud, like successive billows, shrouding the orb of 
d.iy, darkening the vast expanse, and bearing thunder and 
hail -.iiul tempest in its bosom. The earth seems agitated 
at ilie confu.=ioa of the heavens — the lute waveless minor 



104 HISTORY OF 

is lashed into furious waves, that roll their broken surges 
in hollow murmurs to the shore — the oyster boats, that 
erst sported in the placid vicinity of Gibbet-Island, now 
hurry affrighted to the shore — the late dignified, unbending 
poplar, writhes and twists before the merciless blast — 
descending torrents of drenching rain and sounding hail 
deluge the battery walk, the gates are thronged by 
apprentices, servant maids, and little Frenchmen, with 
their pocket handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering 
from the storm — the late beauteous prospect presents one 
scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as though old Chaos 
had resumed his reign, and was hurling back, into one 
vast turmoil, the conflicting elements of nature. Fancy 
t-o yourself, oh reader ! the awful combat sung by old 
Hesiod, of Jupiter and the Titans — fancy to yourself, the 
long re-bellowing artillery of hea^ en, streaming at the heads 
of the gigantic sons of earth. In short, fancy to yourself 
all that has ever been said or sung of tempest, storm, 
and hurricane, and you will save me the trouble of 
describing it. 

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm, or remained 
boldly at my post, as our gallant train band captains, who 
march their soldiers through the rain without flinching^ 
are points which I leave to the conjecture of the reader. 
It is possible he may be a little perplexed also to know the 
reason why I introduced this most tremendous and unheard- 
of tempest, to disturb the serenity of my work. On this 
latter point I will gratuitously instruct his ignorance. 
The panorama view of the battery was given, merely to 
gratify the reader with a correct description of that 
celebrated place, and the parts adjacent : — secondly, the 
storm was played off, partly to give a little bustle and life 
to this tranquil part of my work, and to keep my drowsy 
readers from falling asleep •, and partly to serve as a 
preparation, or rather an overture, to the tempestuous 
times that are about to assail the pacitic province of 
Nieuw Nederlandts, and that overhang the slumberous 
administration of the renowned Wouter Van TwilU^r. It is 
thus the experienced play-wright puts all the fiddles, the 
French horns, the kettle-drums, and trumpets of his 
orchestra in requisition, to usher in one of those horrible 
and brimstone uproars, called melo-drames : and it is 
thu:i he discharges his thunder, his lightning, his rosin, and 



NEW YORK. 105 

saltpetre, preparatory to the raising of a ghost, or the 
murdering of a hero. We will now proceed with our 
history. 

Whatever may be advanced by philosophers to the 
contrary, 1 am of opinion, that, as to nations, the old 
maxim, that " honesty is ihe best policy," is a sheer and 
ruinous mistake. It might have answered well enough in 
the honest times when it was made ; but in these degene- 
rate days, if a nation pretends to rely merely upon the 
justice of its dealings, it will fare something like an honest 
man among thieves, who, unless he have something more 
than his honesty to depend upon, stands but a poor chance 
of profiting by his company. Such at least was the case 
with the guileless government of the New Netherlands ; 
which, like a worthy unsuspicious old burgher, quietly 
settled itself down into the city of New Amsterdam, as 
into a snug elbow chair, and fell into a comfortable nap; 
while in the meantime its cunning neighbours stepped in 
and picked its pockets. Thus may we ascribe the com- 
mencement of all the woes of this great province, and its 
magnificent metropolis, to the tranquil security, or to 
speak more accurately, to the unfortunate honesty of its 
government. But as I dislike to begin an important part 
of my history towards the end of a chapter ; a«d as my 
readers, like myself, must doubtless be exceedingly fatigue(i 
with the long walk we have taken, and the tempest wc 
have sustHined, I holii it meet we shut up the book, smoko 
a pij)e, and having thus refreshed our spirits, take a fair 
8tart in the next chapter. 



,#^^ ^•^■^^.^'^■^^ 



CHAP. VI. 



Faithfully flescribiv.g ihe in f/eniovs people of Connectia f 
and thereabouts — Shoivingy viorcover, the true meaninq of 
Liberty of Conscience^ and a curious device amomi these 
sturdy Barbarians, to keep up a harmony of intercourse^ 
and promote population. 

That my readers may the more fully comprehend the 
extent of the calamity, at this very moment impending 
over the honest unsuspecting province \yi' Nieuw Ncder- 
landtSj aud its dubious governor, it is necessary that I 



106 HISTORY OF 

should give orae account of a horde of strange barbarians, 
bordering upon the eaotern frontier. 

Now it so came to pass, tliat many years previous to 
the time of winch ;ve are treating', the sage cabinet of 
England had adopted a certain national creed, a kind of 
public walk of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in 
which every loyal subject was directed to travel to Zion — 
taking care to pay the toll gatherers by the way. 

Albeit a ctrtain shrewd race of men, being very much 
given to indulge their own opinions, on all manners of sub- 
jects (a propensity ext'ecdingly obnoxious to your fiee 
governments of Europe), did most presumptuously dare 
to think for themselves in matters of religion, exercising 
what they considered a natural and unextinguishable right 
— the liberty of conscience. 

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous habit of 
mind which always thinks aloud j which in a manner 
rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is for ever galloping 
into other people's ears ; — it naturally followed that their 
liberty of conscience likewise implied liberty of speech, 
which, being freely indulged, soon put the country in a 
hubbub, and aroused the pious indignation of the vigilant 
fathers of the church. 

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim them, that 
in those days were considered so efficacious in bringing 
back stray sheep to the fold ; that is to say, they were 
coaxed, they were admonished, they were menaced, they 
were bufi'eted — line upon line, precept upon precept, lash 
upon lash, here a little and there a great deal, were 
exhausted without mercy, and without success; until at 
length the worthy pastors of the church, wearied out by 
their unparalelled stubbornness, were driven, in the excess 
of their tender mercy, to adopt the scripture text, and 
literally " heaped live embers on their heads." 

Nothing, however, could subdue that invincible spirit of 
independence which has ever distinguished this singular 
race of people ; so that, rather than submit to such horrible 
tyranny, they one and all embarked for the wilderness 
of America, where they might enjoy unmolested, the 
inestimable luxury of talking. No sooner did they land on 
this loquacious soil, than, as if they had caught the disease 
from the climate, they all lifted up their voices at once, 
and for the space of one whole ytar did keep up such a 



NEW YORK. 107 

joyful dainnur, that we are told they fi ig^litene<l every 
bird and beast out of the neisihbourhood, and so <;oin- 
pletely dumb founded certain fish, which abound on theii* 
coast, that they have been called dumb-fish ever since. 

From this simple circumstance, unimportant as it 
may seem, did first originate that renowned privilejje 
so loudly boasted of throughout this country — which is 
so eloquently exercised in newspapers, pamphlets, ward- 
nieetins;s, pot-houses, committees, and congressional 
deliberations — which establishes the right of talking with- 
out ideas and without information — of misrepresenting 
public affairs — of decrying public measures — of aspersing 
great characters, and destroying little ones : in short, that 
grand palladium of our country, the liberty of speech. 

The simple aborigines of the land, fi)r a while contem- 
plated these strange folk in utter astonishment ; but 
discovering that they wielded harmless though noisy 
weapons, and were a lively, ingenious, good humoured 
race of men, they became very friendly and sociable, and 
g'ave them the name of YanokieSy which in the Mais- 
Tchusaeg (or Massachusett) language signifies silent men 
—a waggish appellation, since shortened into the familiar 
epithet of Yankees, which they retain unto the present day. 

True it is and my fidelity an a historian will not allow 
me to pass it over in silence, that the zeal of these goorl 
people to maintain their rights and privileges unimpaired, 
did for a while betray them into errors, which it is easier to 
pardon than defend. Having served a regular apprentice- 
ship in the school of persecution, it behoved them to show 
that they had become proficients in the art. They 
accordingly employed their leisure hours in banishing, 
scourging, or hanging divers heretical papists, quakers, 
and anabaptists, for daring to abuse the liberty of 
conseience ; which they now clearly proved to imply 
nothing more than that every man should think as he 
pleased in matters of reVi^'xon—proinded he thought 
right; for otherwise it would be giving a latitude to 
damnable heresies. Now as they (the majority) were 
perfectly convinced that they alone thought right, it 
consequently followed that whoever thought different from 
them thought wrong ; and whoever thought wrong, and 
obstinately persisted in not being convinced and con- 
"erted, was a flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty 



HISTORY OF 

of conscience, and a corrupt and infectious member of 
the body politic, and deserved to be lopped off and cast 
into the fiie. 

Now I'll warrant there are hosts of my readers ready at 
once to lift up their hands and eyes, with that virtuous 
indignation with which we always contemplate the faults 
and errors of our neio^hbours, and to exclaim at these 
well meaninof but mistaken people, for inflicting on others 
the injuries they had suffered themselves — for indulging 
the preposterous idea of convincing the mind by 
tormenting the body, and establishing the doctrine of 
charity and forbearance by intolerant persecution. — But 
in simple truth, what are we doing at this very day, and 
in this very enlightened nation, but acting upon this very 
same principle, in our political controversies ? Have we 
not within but few years released ourselves from the 
shackles of a government, which cruelly denied us the 
privilege of governing ourselves, and using in full latitude 
that invaluable member the tongue ? And are we not at 
this very moment striving our best to tyrannize over the 
opinions, tie up the tongues, or ruin the fortunes of one 
another? What are oar great political societies but mere 
political inquisitions ? — Our pot-house committees, but 
little tribunals of denunciation ?— Our newspapers, but 
mere whipping-posts and pillories, where the unfortunate 
individuals are pelted with rotten eggs ? — And our council 
of appointment, but a grand auto dafe, where culprits are 
continually sacrificed for their political heresies ? 

Where then is the difference in principle between our 
measures and those you are so ready to condemn among 
the people I am treating ? There is none; the difference 
is merely circumstantial. — Thus we denounce^ instead of 
banishing— we Z/'e/, instead of scourging— we turn out of 
office, instead e;' hanging \ — and where they burnt an 
offender in prcyriad persona, we either tar and feather 
or burn him it. effigy — this political persecution being, 
some how ur other, the grand palladium of our liberties, 
and an incontrovertible proof that this is a free country ! 

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with which this 
holy war was prosecuted against the whole race of 
unbelievers, we do not find that the population of this new 
colony was in any ways hindered thereby : on the contrary 
they multiplied to a degree which would be incredible to 



NEW^ YORK. ^^^ 



Rny man nuac<iuainted with the marvellous fecundity ot 

this ffi'owinff country. , .^ j ^ 

Tiramazing increase may indeed he partly ascribed to 
^'.ul^\^rcJoru prevalent am.ng them and which wa 
Pi^bably borrowed from the ancient republic of Sparta; 
V here we are told the young ladies either from being 
J eat romps and hoydens, or else, like many modern 
hlro nes, very fond of meddling with matters that did not 
app -tain to Lir sex, used frequently to engage with the 
men in wrestling and other athletic exercises of the 
^v^na ium Tlie custom to which I allude was vulgarly 
known by the name of bundling-.^ superstitions rite 
observed by the young people of both sexes with which 
they usually term inafed their festivities ; and which was 
kept up with religious strictness, by the more bigoted 
and vulgar part of the community. This ceremony was 
hlTewise: in those primitive times, considered as an ind,.- 
pensnble preliminary to matrimony ; their courtships 
commencing where oms usually finish. By which means 
they acqnhed that intimate acquaintance with each 
other's good qualities before marriage, which has been 
mono«n?ed by philosophers the sure basis of a happy 
union. Thus' early did this cunning and ingenious 
neople display a shi-ewdness at making a bargain which 
has ever siL/distinguished them-and a strict adherence 
to the good old vulgar maxim about « buying a pig in a 

^""to this sagacious custom, therefore, do I chiefly 
attribute the nnparalleled increase of the Yanokie mj Yankee 
tribe : for it is a certain fact, well authenticated by con, t 
records and parish registers, that wherever the practice of 
bundling prevailed, there was an amazing "»mber of 
t^dy brals annually born unto the state, without the 
cense of the law, ov the benefit of clergy ^ and it is 
tuly astonishing that the learned Malthus, in his treatise 
on population, has entirely overlooked this singular fact 
Neither did the irregularity of their birth operate in the 
least to their disparagement. On the contrary, they grew 
up a long-sided, raw-boned, hardy race ot whoreson 
whalers, wood cutters, fishermen, and pedlers and sMap- 
ping corn-fed wenches : who, by then- united efforts, 
leried marvellously towards populating those notable 
tracts of country called Nantucket, Pistcutaway, and Cape 



Cod. 



lU urETORY or 



CHAP. VII. 

JTow tliese simple Barbarians turned out to be notorious 
Squatters. — Hoiv they built Air-CastleSy and attempted 
to initiate the Nederlanders in the Mystery of Bundling. 

In tlie last chapter I have piven a faithful but unpre- 
judiced account of the origin of that singular race of 
people, inhabiting the country eastward of the Nieuw 
Nederlandts ; but I have yet to mention certain peculiar 
habits which rendered them exceedingly obnoxious to our 
ever lionoured Dutch ancestors. 

The most prominent of these was a certain rambling 
propensity, with which, like the sons of Ishmael, they 
seem to have been gifted by heaven, and which continually 
goads them on, to shift their residence from place to place, 
so that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of migration ; 
tarrying occasionally here and there ; clearing lands for 
other people to enjoy, building houses for others to inhabit, 
and in a manner may be considered the wandering Arab of 
America. 

His first thought, on coming to the years of manhood, 
is to settle himself in the world— which means nothing 
more nor less than to begin his rambles. To this end 
he takes unto himself for a wife some dashing country 
heiress; that is to say, a buxom rosy-cheeked wench 
passing rich in red ribands, glass-beads, and mock tortoise- 
shell combs, with a white gown and morocco shoes for 
Sunday ; and deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple 
sweetmeats, long-sauce, and pumpkin pie. 

Having thus provided himself, like a true pedler, with 
a heavy knapsack, wherewith to regale his shoulders 
through the journey of life, he literally sets out on the 
peregrination. His whole family, household furniture, 
and farming utensils, are hoisted into a covered cart ; his 
own and his wife's wardrobe packed up in a tirkin : which 
done, he shoulders his axe, takes his staff in his hand, 
whistles, " yankee doodle," and trudges off to the woods, 
as confident of the protection of Providence, and relying 
as cheerfully upon his own resources, as did ever a 
patriarch of yore, when he journeyed into a strange 
country of the Gentiles. Having buried himself in the 



NEW YORK. 



Ill 



wilderness, he builds himself a log hut, clears away a corn 
field and potato patch, and, Providence smihng upon his 
abours, is soon surrounded by a snug farm and some halt 
a score of flaxen-headed urchins, who, by then- size, seeni 
to have sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop of 

toadstools. . J /. ,• 1 1 e 

But it is not the nature of this most indefatigable of 
speculators to rest contented with any state of sublunary 
enioyment— mprormen^ is his darling passion, and having 
thus improved his lands, his next care is to provide a 
mansion worthy the residence of a landholder. A huge 
palace of pine boards immediately springs up m the 
midst of the wilderness, large enough for a parish church, 
and furnished with windows of all dimensions, but so 
rickety and flimsy withal, that every blast gives it a fit of 

the ague. . . 

Bv the time the outside of this mighty air castle is 
completed, either the funds or the zeal of our adventurer 
are exhausted, so that he barely manages to half finish one 
room wiihin, where the whole family burrow together; 
while the rest of the house is devoted to the curing ot 
pumpkins, or storing of carrots and potatoes, and is 
decorated with fanciful festoons of wilted peaches and dried 
apples The outside remaining unpainted, grows venerably 
black with time ; the family wardrobe is laid under con- 
tribution for old hats, petticoats, and breeches, to stuti 
into the broken windows; while the four winds of heaven 
keep up a whistling and howling about this aerial palace, 
and play as many unruly gambols, as they did of yore, in 

the cave of old ^olus. xi i 41 • 

The humble log hut, which whdome nestled this 
improving family snugly within its narrow but comfortable 
walls, stands hard by in ignominious contrast, degraded 
into a cow-house or pigsty ; and the whole scene reminds 
one forcibly of a fable, which 1 am surprised has nev^er 
been recorded, of an aspiring snail, who quits his humble 
habitation, which he filled with great respectability, to 
crawl into the empty shell of a lobster— where he would 
no doubt have resided with great style and splendour, the 
envy and hate of all the pains-taking snails of his neigh- 
bourhood, had he not accidentally perished with cold m 
one corner of his stupendous mansion. 

Bein<r thus completely settled, and, to use his own 

** L 2 



119 HISTORY OF 

\»'ords, " to rights," one would imagine that he would bcgm 
to eujoy the comforts of his sitnatioUj to read news-papers, 
t;iik politics, neglect his cwii business, and attend lo the 
affiiirs of the nation, like a usefvil and patriotic citizen ; 
but now it is that this wayward disposition begins again to 
operate. He soon grows tired of a spot where there is no 
longer any room for improvement, sells his farm, air- 
castle, petticoat windows and all, reloads his cart, shoulders 
his axe, puts himself at the head of his family, and 
wanders away in search of new lands — again to fell trees— 
again to clear corn fields — again to build a shingle p.ilace, 
and again to sell off, and wander. 

Such V, ere the people of Connecticut, who bordered 
upon the eastern frontier of Niruw iSederlandts, and my 
readers may easily imagine what obnoxious neighbours 
this light hearted but restless tribe must have been to our 
tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I would ask them if 
they have ever known one of our regular, well organized 
Dutch families, whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict 
with the neighbourhood of a Fiench boarding house. 
Tiie honest old burgher cannot take his afternoon's pij'e, 
on the bench before his door, but he is persecuted with 
the scraping of fiddles, the chattering of women, and 
the squalling of children — he cannot sleep at night for the 
horrible melodies of some amateur, who chooses to 
serenade the moon, and display his terrible proficiency in 
cxendiony by playing demisemiquavers in alt on the 
claritniet, the hautboy, or some other soft-toned instru- 
ment—nor can he leave the street-di)or open, but his house 
is defiled by the unsavoury visits of a tioop of pug dogs, 
who even sometimes carry their loathsome ravages into the 
sanctum sanctorum, the parlour. 

If uiy readers have ever witnessed the sufferings of 
such a family> so situated, they may foim some idea how 
our Avorthy ancestors were distressed bj' their nieicurial 
neighbours of Connecticut. 

Giings of these inarai'ders, we are told, penetrated into 
.the New Netherland settlements, and threw whole villages 
into const* rnat ion by their unparalleled volubility, and 
their intoh rable inquisitiveucss — two evil habits hithertv 
unknown in those parts, or only known to be abhorred 
iw our ancestors were noted, as being men of truly 
Spartan taciturnity, and who neither knew nor cared aught 
abijut any body's concerns but their own. Many enormitift 



NEW YORK. 113 

were committed on the highways, where several unoffend- 
ing burghers were brought to a stand, and tortured with 
questions and guesses ; which outrages occasioned as much 
vexation and heart burning as does tlie modern right of 
search on the high seas. 

Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, by their inter- 
meddling and success among the divine sex ; for being a 
race of brisk, lively, pleasant tongued varlels, they soon 
seduced the light affections of the simple damsels from 
their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other hideous 
customs, they attempted to introduce among them that of 
bundling, which the Dutch lasses of the Nederlandts, with 
that eager passion for novelty and foreign fashions natural 
to their sex, seemed very well inclined to follow ; but that 
their mothers, being more experienced in the world, and 
better acquainted with men and things, strenuously dis- 
countenanced all such outlandish innovations. 

But what chiefly operated to embroil our ancestors with 
these strange folk, was an unwarrantable liberty which 
they occasionally took of entering in hordes into the 
territories of the New Netherlands, and settling themselves 
down, without leave or license, to improve the land in the 
manner I have before noticed. This unceremonious mode 
of taking possession of new land was technically termed 
squattingy and hence is derived the appellation of squat- 
ters ; a name odious in the ears of all great landholders, 
and which is given to those enterprising worthies, who 
seize upon land first, and take their chance to make 
good their title to it afterwards. 

All these grievances, and many others which were 
constantly accumulating, tended to form that dark and 
portentous cloud which, as I observed in a former chapter, 
was slowly gathering over the tranquil province of New 
Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van Twiller, how- 
ever, as will be perceived in the sequel, bore them all with 
a magnanimity that redounds to their immortal credit—, 
becoming by passive endurance inured to this increasing 
mass of wrongs ; like the sage old woman of Ephesus, 
who by dint of carrying about a calf from the time it was 
born, continued to carry it without difficulty when it had 
grown to be an ox. 



114 HISTORY OF 



CHAP. VIII. 

How the Fort Ooed Hoop was fearfully belearjured — how 

the renoivned Wouter fell into a profound doubt, and 

how he finally evaporated. 

By this time my readers must fully perceive what an 
arduous task I have undGilaken— coUettiiig and collating 
with painful minuteness the chronicles of past times, 
whose events almost defy the powers of research — exploring 
a little kind of Herculaneum of history, which had laid 
nearly for apjes buried under the rubbish of years, and 
almost totally forgotten — raking^ up the limbs and frag- 
ments of disjointed facts j and endeavouring to put them 
scrupulously together, so as to restore them to their 
original form and connexion— now lugging forth the 
character of an almost forgotten hero, like a mutilated 
statue— now deciphering a half defaced inscription; and 
now lighting upon a mouldering manuscript, which, after 
painful study, scarce repays the trouble of perusal. 

In such case how much has the reader to depend upon 
the honour and probity of his author, lest, like a cunning 
antiquarian, he either impose upon him spurious fabrica- 
tion of his own, for a precious relique fiom antiquity, or 
else dress up the dismembered fragment, with such false 
trappings, that it is scarcely possible to distinguish the 
truth from the fiction with which it is enveloped. This is 
a grievance which I have more than once had to lament, 
in the course of my wearisome researches among the 
works of my fellow historians •, who have strangely dis- 
guised and distorted the facts respecting this country ; 
and particularly respecting the great province of New 
Netherlands as will be perceived by any who will take the 
trouble to compare their romantic effusions, tricked out in 
the meretricious gauds of fable, with this authentic history. 

I have had more vexation i of the kind to encounter, in 
those parts of my history which treat of the transactions 
on the easteiui border, than in any other, in consequence of 
the troops of historians who have infested those quarters, 
and have shown the honest people of Nieuw Nederlandts 
no mercy in their works. Among the rest, Mr. Benjamin 
Trumbull arrogantly declares, that " the Dutch were 



NiJW YORK. 11* 



alunys mere -uUruders "-Now to this T .hal make no 
othe/ reply than to proceed in the stea.ly uanut.on o mv 
las^ry,'v(nch will contain not only proofs tUa the Dutch 
had clear title and possession in the fan- va leys of the 
Connecticnt, and that they were wrongiuily d,.possessed 
u/ereof: but likewise that they have been scandalously 
altrea ed ever since, by the misrepresentation of the 
c a ty historians of New England. And in th.s I shall be 
Guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality, and a regard 
To immo. tal fame ; for 1 would not wittn.gly dishonour my 
V ork by a single falsehood, misrepresentation, or prejudice 
though it should gain our forefathers the whole country ot 

New England. . , 

It was at an early period of the province, and previous 
to the arrival of the renowned Wouter, that the cabinet of 
Nieuw Nederlandts purchased the lands about the Con- 
neeticut, and established for their superintendence and 
protection a fortified post on the banks ot the nver, which 
was called Fort Goed Hoop, and was situated hard by the 
present fair city of Hartford. The command of th.s im- 
portant post, together with the rank, title, and appoint- 
ments of commissary, were given in charge to the gallant 
Jacobus Van Curlet, or as some historians wil have it 
VmCurlis: a most doughty soldier, of that stomachful 
class, of which we have such numbers on parade day^s • 
«ho are famous for eating all they ki I. He was of a 
very soldierlike appearance, and would have been an 
exceeding tall man, had his legs been in proportion to his 
body : but the latter being long, and the former uncom- 
monly short, it gave him the uncouth appearance ot a tall 
man's body mounted upon a little man's legs He made up 
for this turnspit construction of body by throwing his legs 
K, such an extent when he marched, that you would have 
sworn he had on the identical seven-league boots of the 
far-famed Jack the giant killer •, and so astonishingly high 
did he tread on any great military occasion that his 
soldiers were oft-times alarmed, lest he should trample 

himself under foot. ^ ., • r ^ a r. ^ 

But n twithslanding the erection of this fort, and tne 
appointment of this ugly little man of war as a cominander, 
the intrepid Yankees continued those darmg mterlopings 
which I have hinted at in my last chapter •, and taking 
advantao-e of the character which the cabinet ot Woulci 



^*^ HISTORY OF 



Van Tvyiller eoon acquired for profound and phle-matic 
tranquillity--d.d audaciously invade the territories of the 
iMeuw Nederlandts, and squat themseWes down within the 
very jurisdiction of Fort Goed Hoop. 

On beholding this outrage, the long bodied Van Curlet 
proceeded as became a prompt and valiant officer He 
immediately protested against these unwarrantable en- 
croachments, m low Dutch, by way of inspiring more 
terror, and forthwith despatched a copy of the protest to 
the governor at New-Amsterdam, together with a long and 
bitter account of the aggressions of the enemy. This 
done, he ordered his men, one and all, to be of ffood 
cheer-shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipe.s, lent 
to bed, and awaited the result with a resolute and intrepid 
tranquillity that greatly animated his adherents, and no 
doubt struck sore dismay and affright into the hearts of I 

the enemy. 

Now it came to pa«;s, that about this time, the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller, full of years and honours, a'd 
council dinners, had reached that period of life and ficultv 
which, according to the great Gulliver, entitles a map to 
admission into the ancient order of Struldbruffo-s He 
employed his time in smoking his Turkish pipe, amid an 
assemblage of sages, equally enlightened, 'and nearly as 
venerable as himself, and who, for their silence, heir 
gravity, their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to 
coming to any conclusion in business, are only to be 
equalled by certain profound corporations which 1 have 
known m my time. Upon reading the protest of the 
gallant Jacobus Van Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell 
straightway into one of the deepest doubts that ever he was 
known to encounter j his capacious head gradually drooped 
on his chest,* he closed his eyes, and inclined hi ea?to 
one side as if listenmg with great attention to the dis 
cussion that was going on in his belly • which all who knew 
h.m declared to be the huge court-house, or counclu 
chamber of his thoughts; forming to his head what the 
house of representatives do to the senate. An inarticulate 
j-ound, very much resembling a snore, occasionally escaped 
him J but the nature of this internal cogitation was never 

• "Perplexed with vast affairs of state and town 
HIS great head being overset han^s down " ' 

TELECLIDES, in Pericles. 



NEW YORK. 11'' 



known, as he never opened his lips on the subject to man, 
woman, or chiM. In the meantime, the protest of Van 
Curlet laid quietly on the table, where it served to light 
the pipes of the venerable sages assembled m council ; 
and m the great smoke which they raised, the gallant 
Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty Fort Goed Hoop, 
were soon as completely beclouded and forgotten, as is a 
question of emergency swallowed up in the speeches and 
vesolutionsof a modern session of congress. 

There are certain emergencies when your profound 
k"-islators and sage delibeiative councils are mightily m 
the way of a nation j and when an ounce of hau-brained 
decision is worth a pound of sage doubts and cautious 
discussion. Such at least was the case at present ; for 
while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was daily battliuf 
with his doubts, and his resolution growing weaker ana 
weaker in the contest, the enemy pushed further and 
further into his territories, and assumed a most formidable 
appearance in the neighbourhood of the Fort Goed Hoop. 
Here they founded the mighty town of Ppquag, or, as it has 
since been culled, Weatliersfield ; a place which, if we 
mav credit the assertions of that worthy historian John 
Tosselvn, Gent, "hath been inftimous by reason of Ihe 
witches therein."— And so daring did these men of Pyquag 
" become, that they extended those plantations of onions, for 
which their town is lihistnous, under the very noses ot the 
garrison of "^ort Goed Hoop— insomuch that the hi)nest 
Dutchn.en could not look toward tliat quarter without tears 

in their eyes. . . 

This cryhsg injustice was regarden with proper indigna- 
tion bv the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet. He absolutely 
trembled with the amazing violence of bis choler, and the 
exacerbations of his valour ; which seemed to be the more 
turbulent in their workings, from the length of the body lu 
which they were agitated. He forthwith proceeded to 
slren-'then his redoubts, heighten his breast works, deepen 
his fosse, and fortify his position with a double row of 
abbatis-, after which valiant precautions, he, with unex- 
ampled intrepidity, despatched a fresh courier with 
tremendous accounts of his perilous situation. Never 
did the modern hero, who immortalized himself at the 
second Sabine war, show greater valour m the art of Utter 



118 HISTORY OF 

writing, or distinguish himself more gloriously upon 
paper, than the heroic Van Curlet. 

Tlie courier chosen to bear these alarming despatches 
was a fat oily little man, as being least liable to be worn 
out, or to lose leather on the journey ; and to insure his 
speed, he was mounted on the fleetest waggon horse in the 
garrison, remarkable for his length of limb, largeness of 
bone, and hardness )f trot ; and so tall, that the little 
messenger was obi ged to climb on his back by means of 
his (ail and crupper. Such extraordinary speed did he 
make, that he arrived at Fort Amsterdam in little less 
than a month, though the distance was full two hundred 
pipes, or about 120 miles. 

The extraordinary appearance of this portentous stranger 
would have thrown the whole town of New Amsterdam 
into a quandary, had the good people troubled themselves 
about any thing more than their domestic affairs. With 
an appearance of great huriy and business, and smoking 
a short travelling pipe, he proceeded on a long swing trot 
through the muddy lanes of the metropolis, demolishing 
whole batches of dirt pies, which the little Dutch children 
were making in the road ; and for which kind of pastry 
the children of this city have ever been famous. Oa 
arriving at the governor's house, he climbed down from 
his steed in great trepidation — roused the gray headed 
door-keeper, old Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and 
faithful representative, the venerable crier of our court, 
was nodding at his post — rattled at the door of the council 
chamber, and startled the members as they were dozing^ 
over a plan for establishing a public market. 

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or rather a deep • 
drawn snore, was heard from the chair of the governor, a 
whiff of smoke was at the same instant observed to 
escape from his lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the 
bowl of his pipe. The council of course supposed him 
engaged in deep sleep for the good of the community, and, 
according to custom in all such cases established, every 
man bawled out Silence, in order to maintain tranquillity ; 
when of a suddea the door flew open, and the little 
courier straddled into the apartment, cased to the middle 
in a pair of Hessian boots, which he had got into for the 
sake of expedition. In his right band he held forth the 



NEW YORK. 119 

<)minous dispatches, and with his left grasped firmly the 
waistband of his galligaskins, which had unfortunately 
given way in the exertion of descending from his horse. 
He stumped resolutely up to the governor, and with more 
hurry than perspicuity delivered his message. But fortu 
nately his ill-tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity 
of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable excellency 
had just breathed and smoked his last — his lungs and his 
pipe having been exhausted together, and his peaceful soul 
having escaped in the last whifF that curled from his 
tobacco pipe. In a word, the renowned Waller the 
Doubter, who had so often slumbered with his con- 
temporaries, now slept with his fathers, and Wilhehnus 
Kieft governed in his stead. 



END OP BOOK THIRD. 



120 HISTORY 0» 



BOOK FOURTH. 

CONTAINING THE CHRONICLES OE THE REIGN OF 
AVILLIAM THE TESTY. 



CHAP. 1. 

« 

Showing the nature of History tn general ; containing 

furthermore the universal acquirements of William the 

Testy, and how a 3Inn may learn so much as to render 

himself good for nothing. 

When the lofty Tiiucydides is about to enter on his 
description of the plague that desohifed Athens, one of 
his modern commentators * assures the reader, tliat his 
histuiy " is now jjoing to he exceeding solenm, seiiuiis, 
and pathetic ; and liints, with that air of chuckling gratula- 
tion, with which a good dame draws forth a choice morsel 
from a cupboard to regale a favourite, that this plague 
will give his history a most agreeable vaiiety. 

In like manner did my heart leap within me when 1 
came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort Good Hope, wiiich 
I at once perceived to be the forerunner of a sejies of 
great events and entertaining disasters. Such are the 
true subjects for the historic pen. For what is history, in 
fact, but a kind of Newgate calendar, a register of the 
crimes and miseries that man has inflicted on his fellow- 
man ? It is a huge libel on human nature, to which we 
industriously add page after page, volume after volume, 
as if we were buildmg up a monument to the honour 
rather than the infamy of our species. If we turn ovei 
the pages of these chronicles that man has written of 
himself, what are the characters dignified by the appella- 
tion of great, and held up to the admiration of posterity ? 
— Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only for the 
maguiludeof their misdeeds, and the stupendous wiongs 
and miseries they have inflicted on mankiud^warriors, 
who have hired themselves to the trade of blood, not from 

"Sniyth'sThucyd. Vol. I. 



NEW YORK. 1-21 

motives of virtuous patriotism, or to protect the injured 
and defenceless, but meitly lo gain tlie vaunted glory of 
being adroit and successful in massacring their fellow 
beings ! What are the great events that constitute a glo- 
rious era? The fall of empires — the de:olation of happy 
countries — splendid cities smoking in their ruins — the 
proudest works of art tumbled in the dust — the shrieks 
and groans of whole nations ascending unto heaven ! 

It is thus the historians may be said to thrive on the 
miseries of mankind — they are like the birds of prey that 
hover over the tield of battle, to fatten on the mighty dead. 
It was observed by a great projector of inland lock navi- 
gation, that rivers, lakes, and oceans, were only formed to 
feed canals. In like manner I am tempted to believe, 
that plots, conspiracies, wars, victories, and massacres, are 
ordained by Providence only as food for the historian. 

It is a source of great delight to the philosopher, in 
studying the wonderful economy of nature, to trace the 
mutual dependencies of things, how they are created reci- 
procally for each other, and how the most noxious and 
apparently unnecessary animal has its uses. Thus those 
swarms of flies, which are so often execrated as useless 
vermin, are created for the sustenance of spideis ; and 
spiders, on the other hand, are evidently made to devovir 
flies. So those heroes who have been such pests in the 
world were bounteously provided as themes for the poet 
and the historian, while the poet and historian were des- 
tined to record the achievements of heroes. 

These and many similar reflections naturally arose in 
my mind as I took up my pen to commence the reign of 
William Kieft ; for now the stream of our history, which 
hitherto has rolled in a tranquil current, is about to 
depart for ever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl 
through many a turbulent and rugged scene. Like some 
sleek ox, which, having fed and fattened in a rich clover 
field, lies sunk in luxurious repose, and will bear repeated 
taunts and blows before it heaves its unweildy limbs, and 
clumsily arouses from its slumbers ; so the province of 
the jNieuw Nederlandts, being long thriven and grown 
corpulent under the prosperous reign of the Doubter, was 
reluctantly awakened to a melancholy conviction that, by 
patient sufiTerance, its grievances had become so numerous 
and aggravating, that it was preferable to reptrl thapt 

M 



122 HISTORY or 

endure them. The reader will now witness the manner 
in which a peaceful community advances towards a state 
of war ; which it is too apt to approach, as a horse does 
a drum, with much prancing and parade, but with little 
progress, and too often witii the wrong end foremost. 

WiLHELMUS KiEFT, who in 1634 ascended the Guber- 
natorial chair (to borrow a favourite though clumsy appel- 
lation of modern phraseologists), was in form, feature, 
and character, the very reverse of VVouter Van Twiller, 
his renowned predecessor. He was of very respectable 
descent, his father being Inspector of Windmills in the 
ancient town of Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, 
made very curious investigations into the nature and 
operations of those machines when a boy, which is one 
reason why he aftewards came to be so ingenious a 
governor. His name, according to the most ingenious 
etymologists, was a corruption of Kyrer, that is to say, a 
wrangler or scolder, and expressed the hereditary dispo- 
sition of his family, which, for nearly two centuries, had 
kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water, and pro- 
duced more tartars and brimstones than any ten families 
in the place ; and so truly did Wilhelmus Kieft inherit 
this family endowment, that he had scarcely been a year 
in the discharge of his government, before he was univer- 
sally known by the appellation of William the Testy. 

He was a brisk, waspish, little old gentleman, who had 
dried and withered away, partly through the natural pro- 
cess of years, and partly from being parched and burned 
up by his fiery soul, which blazed like a vehement rushlight 
in his bosom, constantly inciting him to most valorous 
broils, altercations, and misadventures. I have heard it 
observed by a profound and philosophical judge of human 
nature, that if a woman waxes fat as she grows old, the 
tenure of her life is very precarious ; but if haply she 
withers, she lives for ever : such likewise was the case 
with William the Testy, who grew tougher in proportion 
as he dried. He was some such a little Dutchman as we 
may now and then see, stumping briskly about the streets 
of our city, in a broad-skirted coat, with buttons nearly as 
large as the shield of Ajax, an old-fashioned cocked hat 
stuck on the back of his bead, and a cane as high as his 
chin. His visage was broad, but his features sharp j his 
uQse tmned up with a most petulant curl 3 his cheeks, like 



NEW YORK. 123 

the regions of Terra del Fuego, were scorched into a 
dusky red — doubtless, in consequence of the neighbour- 
hood of two fierce little grey eyes, through which his 
torrid soul beamed as fervently as a tropical sun blazing 
through a pair of burning glasses. The corners of his 
mouth were curiously modelled into a kind of fret-work, 
not a little resembling the wrinkled proboscis of an irrita- 
ble pug dog; in a word, he was one of the most positive, 
restless, ugly little men that e\ee put himself in a passion 
ab:)ut nothing. 

Such were the personal endowments of William the 
Testy; but it was the sterling riches of his mind that 
raised him to dignity and power. In his youth he had 
passed with great credit through a celebrated academy at 
the Hague, noted for producing finished scholars with a 
despatch unequalled, except by certain of our American 
colleges, which seem to manufacture bachelors of arts by 
some patent machine. Here he skirmished very smartly 
on the frontiers of several of the sciences, and made so 
gallant an inroad in the dead languages, as to bring off 
captive a host of Greek nouns and Latin verbs, together 
with divers pithy saws and apophthegms j all which he 
constantly paraded in conversation and writing, with as 
much vain-glory as would a triumphant general of yore 
display the spoils of the countries he had ravished. He 
had moreover puzzled himself considerably with logic, in 
which he had advanced so far as to attain a very familiar 
acquaintance, by name at least, with the whole family of 
syllogisms and dilemmas; but what he chiefly valued him- 
self on was his knowledge of metaphysics, in which having 
once upon a time ventured too deeply, he came well nigh 
being smothered in a slough of unintelligible learning — a 
fearful peril, from the effects of which he never perfectly 
recovered. In plain words, like many other profound 
intermeddlers in this abstruse, bewildering science, he so 
confused his brain with abstract speculations which he 
could not comprehend, and artificial distinctions which he 
could not realize, that he could never think clearly on any 
subject, however simple, through the whole course of bis 
life afterwards. This, I must confess, was in some measure 
a misfortune, for he never engaged in argument, of which 
he was exceeding fond, but what, between logical deduc- 
tions and metaphysical jargon, he soon involved himself 

M 3 



124 HISTORY OF 

and his subject in a fog of contradictions and perplexitieg, 
and then woulii get into a mighty passion with his adver- 
sary for not being convinced gratis 

It is in knowledge as in swimming, — he who ostenta- 
tiously sports and flounders on the surface makes more 
noise and splashing, and attracts more attention, than the 
industrious pearl diver, who plunges in search of treasures 
to the bottom. The " universal acquirements" of William 
Kieft were the subject of great marvel and admiration 
among his counlrymei he figured about at the Hague 
with as much vain-glory as does a profound Bonze at 
Pekin, who has niastertd half the letters of the Chinese 
alphabet; and, in a word, was unanimously pronounced 
a imirersal genius! — I have known many universal 
geniuses in my time, though, lo speak my mind freely, 
\ never knew one, who, for the ordinary |)urposes of life, 
was worth his weight in straw ; but for the purposes of 
government, a little sound judgment, and plain common 
sense, is worth all the sparkling genius that ever wrote 
poetry, or invented theories. 

Strange as it may sound, tlierefore, the xiniversal ac- 
quirements of the illustrious VVilhelmus were very much 
in his way 5 and had he been a less learned man, it is pos- 
sible he would have been a much greater governor. He 
was exceedingly fond of trying philosophical and political 
experiments : and having stuffed his head full of scraps 
and remnants of ancient republics, and oligarchies, and 
aristocracies, and monarchies, and the laws of Solon, and 
Lycurgus, and Charondas, and the imaginary common- 
wealth of Plato, and the Pandects of Justinian, and a 
thousand other fragments of venerable antiquity, he was 
for ever bent upon introducing some one or other of them 
into use J so that, between one contradictory measure and 
another, he entangled the government of the little province 
of Nieuw Nederlandts in more knots, during his adminis- 
tration, than half a dozen successors could have untied. 

No sooner had tliis bustling little man been blown by a 
whiff' of fortune in the seat of government, than he called 
t«)gether his council, and delivered a very animated speech 
on the atfairs of the province. As every body knows what 
a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an 
emperor has of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, meii- 
.ages, aud bulktins, where he has the talk all on his owa 



NEW YORK. 125 

side, they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft 
did not sufler so favourable an occasion to escape him, 
of evincing' that gallantry of tongue common to all able 
legislators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that he 
took out Ins pocket handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous 
blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great 
orators. This, in general, 1 believe, is intended as a 
signal trumpet, to call the attention \jf the auditors ; but 
with William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, 
for he had read of the singular expedient of tiiat famous 
demagogue Cains Gracchus, who, when he harangued the 
Roman populace, modulated his tones by an oratorical 
flute or pitch-pipe. 

This preparatory symphony being performed, he com- 
menced by expressing an humble sense of his own want 
of talents, his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred 
upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to discharge the 
important duties of his uew station : in short, he expressed 
so contemptible an opinion of himself, that many simple 
country members present, ignorant that these were mere 
words of course, always used on such occasions, were very 
uneasy, and even felt wrath that he should accept an office 
for which he was consciously so inadequate. 

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, pro- 
foundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose j beinw 
nothing more than a pompous account of all the govern- 
ments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and Car- 
thage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish 
empires, about which the asscnd)ly knew no more than 
their great grandchildren who were yet unborn. Thus 
having, after the manner of your learned orators, convinced 
the audience that he was a man of many words and great 
erudition, he at length came to the less important part of 
his speech, the situation of the province; and here he soon 
worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees, 
whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, 
and the Goths and Vaudals who over ran the fairest plains 
of Europe — nor did he forget to mention, in terms of 
adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had 
cncioached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and 
the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced 
the town of New Plymouth, and planted the onion patches 
of Weathersfield utider the very walls of Fort Goed Hoop. 



126 HISTORY OF 

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a 
climax, he assumed a selC-safislied look, aud declared, 
with a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures 
to put a tinal slop to these encroachments — that he had 
been obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of 
warfare, lately invented, awful in itseflPects, but authorized 
by direful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to conquer 
Ihe Yankees — by pr »clamation. 

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instru- 
ment of the kind, ordering, commanding, and enjoining 
the intruders aforesaid forthwith to remove, depart, ^nd 
withdraw from the districts, regions, and territories afore- 
said, under pain of suffering all the penalties, forfeitures, 
and punishments in such case made and provided, &c. 
This proclamation, he assured them, would at once exter 
minaie the enemy from the face of the country j and he 
pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months 
after it v,'as published, not one stone should remain on 
another in any ©f the towns which they had built. 

The council remained tor some time silent after he had 
finished •, whether struck dumb with admiration at the 
brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of 
his harangue, the history of the times doth not mention. 
Suffice it to say, they at length gave a general grunt of 
acquiescence; the proclamation was immediately des- 
patched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the 
province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pan- 
cake, attached to it by a broad red riband. Governor Kieft, 
having thus vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved — 
adjourned the council sine die, — put on his cocked hat and 
corduroy small-clothes, and, m;)unting a tall raw boned 
charger, trotted out to his country seat, which was situated 
in a sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch Street, 
but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery. 

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils 
of legislation, taking lessons in government, not from the 
Nymph Egeria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom ; 
who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon 
earth a little before the flood, as a punishment for the sins 
of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of 
knowing women. In fact, my duty as an historian obliges 
me to make known a circun>siance which was a great 
secret at the time, and conscquonlly was not a subject of 



NEW YORK. 127 

scandal at more than half the tea tables of New Amster- 
dam, but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked 
out in the lapse of years •, and this was, that the o^reat 
Wilhelmus the Testy, thougli one of the most potent little 
men that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a species 
of government, neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato ; 
in short, it partook of the nature of a pare, unmixed 
tyranny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat govern- 
ment. An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly 
common in these modern days, was very rare among the 
ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the 
domestic economy of honest Socrates, which is the only 
ancient case on recoi'd. 

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and 
sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to 
joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging 
that it was a government of his own election, to which he 
submitted through choice j adding at the same time a 
profound maxim which he had found in an ancient author, 
that " he who would aspire to govern, should tirst learn 
to obcy.''^ 



CHAP. II. 



In wlvch are recorded the sage projects of a Ruler of 

universal Genius. The Art of Fighting hy Proclamation 

— and how that the valiant Jacobus Van Curlct came to 

be foully dishonoured at Fort Goed Hoop. 

Never was a more comprehensive, a more expeditious, 
or, what is still better, a more economical measure devised, 
than this, of defeating the Yankees by proclamation : an 
expedient, likewise, so humane, so gentle, and pacific, 
there were ten chances to one in favour of its succeeding, 
but then there was one chance to ten that it would not 
succeed : as the ill-natured fates would have it, that single 
chance carried the day ! The proclamation was perfect 
in all its parts, well constructed, well written, well seale<i, 
and well published — all that was wanting to insure its 
efiect was, that the Yankees should stand in awe of it ; 
but, provoking to relate, they treated it with the nust 



1^8 HISTORY OF 

absolute contempt, applied it to an unseemly purpose, and 
thus did the tirst warlike proclamation come to a shameful 
end — a fate which, 1 am credibly informed, has befallen 
but too many of its successors. 

It was a long time before Wilhelmus Kieft could be 
persuaded, by the united efforts of all his counsellors, that 
his war measures had failed in producing any effect. On 
the contrary, he flew in a passion whenever any one dared 
to question its efficacy ; and swore, that though it was slow 
in operatiiit^, yet when once it began to work, it would 
soon purge tlie land of these rapacious intruders. Time, 
however, that test of all expei'imeuts both in philosophy 
and politics, at length convinced the great Kieft, that his 
proclamation was abortive ; and that, notwithstanding he 
had waited four years m a state of constant irritation, yet 
he was still further off than ever from the object of his 
wishes. His implacable adversaries in the east became 
more and more troublesome in their encroachments, and 
founded the thriving colony of Hartford, close upon the 
skh'ts of Fort Goed Hoop. They moreover commenced 
the fair settlement of Newhaven (alias the Red Kills) 
within the domains of their high mightinesses — while the 
onion patches of Pyquag were a contiimal eye-sore to the 
garrison of Van Curlet. Upon beholding, therefore, the 
iuefficacy of his measure, the sage Kieft, like many a 
worthy practitioner of physic, laid the blame, not to the 
medicine, but the quantity administered j and resolutely 
resolved to double the dose. 

In the year 1638, therefore, that being the fourth year 
of his reign, he fulminated against them a second proc la- 
mation, of heavier metal than the former ; wrilien in 
thundering long sentences, not one word of which was 
under five syllables. This, in fact, was a kind of non-inter- 
course bill, forbidding and prohibiting all commerce and 
connexion, between any and every of the said Yankee 
intruders, and the said fortified post of Fort Goed Hoop ; 
and ordering, commanding, and advising all his trusty, 
loyal, and well beloved subjects, to furnish them with no 
supplies of gin, gingerbread, or sour crout ; to buy none 
of their pacing horses, meazly pork, apple brandy, Yankee 
rum, cider wata*, apple sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, 
or wooden bowls; but to starve and exterminate thera 
from the face of the land. 



NEW YORK. 129 

Another pause of a twelvemonth ensued, during which 
the last proclamation received the same attention, and 
experienced the same fate as the tirst j at the end of which 
term, the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet despatched his an- 
nual messenger, with his customary budget of complaints 
and entreaties. Whether the regular interval of a year, 
intervening between the arrival of Van Curlet's couiiers, 
was occasioned by the systematic regularity of his move- 
ments, or by the immense distance at which he was 
stationed from the seal of government, is a matter of 
uncertainty. Some have ascribed it to the slowness of his 
messengers, who, as I have before noticed, were chosen 
from the shortest and fattest of his garrison, as least likely 
to be worn out on the road ; and who, being pursy, short- 
winded little men, generally travelled fifteen miles a 
day, and then Vaid by a whole week — to rest. All these, 
however, are matters of conjecture ; and I rather think it 
may be ascribed to the immemorial maxim of this worthy 
country, and which has ever influenced all its public 
ti-ansactions — not to do things in a huiry. 

The gallant Jacobus Van Curlet in his despatches respect- 
fully represented, that several years had now elapsed since 
his first application to his late excellency, the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller ; during which interval his garrison 
had been reduced nearly one-eighth, by the death of two 
of his most valiant and corpulent soldiers, who had acci- 
dentally over-eaten themselves on some fat salmon, caugiit 
in the Varsche River. He further stated, that the enemy 
persisted in their inroads, taking no notice of the fort 
or its inhabitants, but squatting themselves down, and 
forming settlements all around itj so that, in a little while, 
he should find himself enclosed and blockaded by the 
enemy, and totally at their mercy. 

But among the most atrocious of his grievances, 1 find 
the following still on record, which may serve to show the 
bloody-minded outrages of these savage intruders. " In 
the mean time, they of Hartford have nut onely usurped 
and taken in the lands of Connecticott, although unrighie- 
ously and against the lawes of nations, but have hindered 
our nation in sowing theire owne purchased broken up 
lands, but have also sowed, them with corne in the night, 
which the Netherlanders had broken up and intended to 
sowej and have beaten the sei'vants of the high and mighty 



130 HISTORY OP 

the honored companie, which wrre labouring upon theire 
masters^ lands, from theiie lands, with sticks and plow 
staves, in hostile manner laming, and amongst the rest 
struck Ever Duckings* a hole in his head, with a stick, 
soe that the blood ran downe very strongly downe upon 
his body." 

But what is still more atrocious — 

« Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to the 
honored companie, under pretence that it had eaten 
of theire grounde grass, when they had not any foot 
of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 5*. if the 
commissioners would have given 5*. for damage ; which 
the commissioners denied, because noe man's owne hogg 
(as men use to say) can trespass upon his owne master's 
grounde f." 

The receipt of this melancholy intelligence incensed the 
whole community — there was something in it that spoke 
to the dull comprehensions, and touched the obtuse feel- 
ings even of the puissant vulgar, who generally require a 
kick in the rear to awakea their slumbering dignity. I 
have known my profound fellow citizens bear without 
murmur a thousand essential infringements of their rights, 
merely because they were not immediately obvious to their 
senses; but the moment the unlucky Pearce was shot 
upon our coasts, the whole body politic was in a ferment : 
so the enliq;!>tened Nederlanders, though they had treated 
the encroachments of their eastern neighbours with but 
little regard, and left their quill-valiant governor to bear 
the whole brunt of the war with his single pen •, yet now 
every individual felt his head broken in the broken head 
of Duckings — and the unhappy fate of their fellow citizen 
the hog, being impressed, carried, and sold into captivity, 
awakened a grunt of sympathy from every bosom. 

The «>-overnor and council, goaded by the clamours of 
the multitude, now sat themselves earnestly to deliberate 
upon what was to be done. Proclamations had at length 
fallen into temporary disrepute ; some were for sending 
the Yankees a tribute, as we make peace offerings to the 
petty Barbary powers, or as the Indians sacrifice to the 

• This name is no doubt mis-spelt. In some old Dutch MSS. of 
the time, we find the name of fclveit Duyckingh, who is unques- 
tionably the unfbrtuDate hero above alluded to. 

t Hdz. CoL Stat. Pass, 



NEW YORK. 131 

devil. Others were for buying them out j but this was 
opposed, as it would be acknowledging their title to the 
land they had seized. A variety of measures were, as 
usual in such cases, proposed, discussed, and abandoned; 
and the council had at last to adopt the means, which 
being the most common and obvious, had been knowingly 
overlooked : for your amazing acute politicians are for 
ever looking through telescopes, which only enable them 
to see such objects as are far off and unattainable ; but 
which incapacitate them to see such things as are in their 
reach, and obvious to all simple folks, who are content to 
look with the naked eyes heaven has given them. The 
profound council, as I have said, in their pursuit after 
jack-o'-lanterns, accidentally stumbled on the very mea- 
sure they were in need of; which was, to raise a body of 
troops, and despatch them to the relief and reinforcement 
of the garrison. This measure was carried into such 
prompt operation, that in less than twelve months the 
whole expedition, consisting of a serjeant and twelve 
men, was ready to march ; and was reviewed for that 
P'npose in the public square, now known by the name 
of the Bowling Green. Just at this juncture the whole 
community was thrown into consternation by the sudden 
arrival of the gallant Jacobus Van Curlet ; who came 
straggling into town at the head of his crew of tatterde- 
malions, and bringing the melancholy tidings of his own 
defeat, and the capture of the redoubtable post of Fort 
Goed Hoop by the ferocious Yankees. 

The fate of this important fortress is an impressive 
warning to all military commanders. It was neither 
carried by storm nor famine ; no practicable breach was 
effected by cannon or mines ; no magazines were blown 
up by red-hot shot ; nor were the barracks demolished, 
or the garrison destroyed, by the bursting of bomb-shells. 
In fact, the place was taken by a stratagem no less singu- 
lar than effectual ; and one that can never fail of success, 
whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it in practice. 
Happy am I to add, for the credit of our illustrious ances- 
tors, that it was a stratagem, which though it impeached 
the vigilance, yet left the bravery of the intrepid Van 
Curlet and his garrison perfectly free from reproach. 

It appears that the crafty Yankees, having heard of 
the regular habits of the garrison, watched a favourable 



132 UI6TOF.Y OP 

opportunity, and silently introduced themselves into the 
fort, about the middle of a sultry day^ when its vigilant 
defenders, having gorged themselves with a hearty dinner, 
and smokt;d out their pipes, were one and all snoring 
most obstreperously at their posts, little dreaming of so 
disastrous an occurrence. The enemy must inhumanly 
seized Jacobus Van Curlet and his sturdy myrmidons by 
the nape of the ueck, gallanted them to the gate of the 
fort, and dismissed them severally, with a kick on the 
crupper, as Charles the Twelfth dismissed the hea\"y 
bottomed Russians, after the battle of Narva — only taking 
care to give two kicks to Van Curlet, as a signal mark 
of distinction. 

A strong garrison was immediately established in the 
fort, consisting of twenty long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees, 
with Weathersfteld onions stuck in their hats, by way 
of cockades and feathers — long rusty fowling pieces for 
muskets — hasty pudding, dumb fis!i, pork, and molasses, 
for stores ; and a huge pumpkin was hoisted on the erni 
of a pole, as a standard — liberty caps not having as yet 
come into fashion. 

CHAP. III. 

Covtaining the fearful wrath of William the Testify and 
the great dolor of the New Amsterdammers, because of 
the affairs of Fort Goed Hoop. — And moreover how 
William the Testy did strongly fortify the City. — Toge- 
ther with the exploits of Stoffol Brinkerhoff. 

Language cannot express the prodigious fury into which 
the testy VVilhclmus Kieft was thrown by this provoking 
intelligence. For three good hours the rage of the little 
man was too great for words, or rather the words were 
too great for him ; and he was nearly choked by some 
dozen huge mis-shapen, nine corneied Dutch oaths, that 
crowded all at once into his gullet. Having blazed ofF 
the first broadside, he kept up a constant firing fjr three 
whole days — anathematizing the Yankees, man, woman, 
and child, body and soul, for a set of dieven, schobbe- 
jaken, dcugenieten, twist-zoekeren, loozen-schalken, blaes« 



NtW YORK. 133 

kaken, kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names, of 
which, unf«)rtunately for posterity, history does not make 
particular mention. Finally, he swore that he would have 
nothino- more to do with such a squatting, building, 
guessing:, questioning, swapping, pumpkin-eating, mo- 
lasses-dDubnig, shingle-splitting, cider- watering, horse- 
jockeying, notion-peddling crew — that they might stay 
at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he would dirty his 
hands by attempting to drive them away ; in proof of 
which he ordered the new raised troops to be marched 
forthwith into winter quarters, although it was not as yet 
quite midsunmier. Governor Kieft faithfully kept his word, 
and his adversaries as faithfully kept their post ; and 
thus the glorious river Connecticut, and all the gay valleys 
through which it rolls, together with the salmon, shad, 
and other fish within its waters, fell into the hands of 
the victorious Yankees, by whom they are held at this 
very day. 

Great despondency seized upon the city of New Am- 
sterdam in consequence of these melancholy events. The 
name oi Yankee became as ten ible among onr good an- 
cestors as .was that of Gaul among the ancient Romans . 
and all the sage old women of the province used it as a 
bugbear, wherewith to frighten their uniuly children into 
obedience. 

The eyes of all the province were now turned upon 
their governor, to know what he would do for the protec- 
tion of the common weal, in these days of darkness and 
peril. Great apprehensions prevailed among the reflec- 
ting part of the community, especially the old women, that 
these terrible warriors of Connecticut, not content with 
the conquest of Fort Goed Hoop, would incontinently 
march on to New Amsterdam and take it by storm — and 
as these old ladies, through means of the governor's 
spouse, who, as has been already hinted, was " the better 
horse," had obtained considerable inflnenc« in public af- 
fairs, keeping the province under a kind of petticoat 
government, it was determined that measures should be 
taken for the effective fortification of the city. 

Now it happened that at this time there sojourned in 
New Amsterdam one Anthony Van Corlear*, a jolly fat 

* David Pietrez De Vries, in his "Reyze naer Nieuw-Nederlantd 
onder het year 1640," makes meution of one Corlear, a trumpeter lu 

N 



134 HISTORY OF 

Dutch trumpeter, of a pleasant burley visage, famous for 
his long wind and his huge whiskers ; and who, as the 
story goes, could twang so potently upon his instrument 
as to produce an effect upon all within hearing, as tliough 
ten thousand bagpipes were singing most lustily i' the 
nose. Him did the illustrious Kieft pick out as the man 
of all the world, and most fitted to be the champion of 
New Amsterdam, and to garrison its fort; making little 
doubt but that his instrument would be as effectual and 
oflensive in war as was that of the Paladin Astolpho, or 
the more classic horn of Alecto. It would have done one's 
heart good to have seen the governor snapping his fingers 
and fidgeting with delight, while his sturdy trumpeter 
strutted up and down the ramparts, fearlessly twanging 
his trumpet in the face of the whole world, like a thrice 
valorous editor, daringly insulting all the principalities 
and powers on the other side of the Atlantic. 

Nor was he content with thus strongly garrisoning the 
fort, but he likewise added exceedingly to its strength by 
furnishing it with a formidable battery of quaker guns^ 
rearing a stupendous flag-staff in the centre, which over- 
topped the whole city — and moreover by building a great 
windmill on one of the bastions.* This last, to be sure, 
was somewhat of a novelty in the art of fortification, but 
as I have already observed, William Kieft was notorious 
for innovations and experiments, and traditions do affirm 
that he was much given to mechanical inventions — con- 
structing patent smoke-jacks — carts that went before the 
horses — and especially erected windmills, for which 
machines he had acquired a singular predilection in hia 
native town of Saardam. 

All these scientific vagaries of the little governor were 
cried up with ecstacy by his adherents, as proofs of his 
universal genius; but there were not wanting ill-natured 
grumblers, who railed at him as employing his mind ia 
frivolous pursuits, and devoting that time to smoke-jacks 
and windmills, which should have been occupied in the 

Fort Amsterdam, who gare name to Corlear's Hook, and wlio was, 
doubtless, tbis same champion, described by Mr. Knickerbocker.— 
Editor. 

" De Vries mentions that this windmill stood on the south-east bas- 
tion, and it is likewise to be seen, together with the flag-staft, ia 
/ustus Dauker's View of New-Amsterdam, prefixed to his history. 



MEW YORK. 135 

moee important concerns of the province. Nay, they even 
went so far as to hint once or twice, that his head was 
turned by his experiments, and that he really thought to 
manage his government as he did his mills — by mere 
wind ! — Such is the illiberality and slander to which 
enlightened rulers are ever subject. 

Notvuthstanding all tlic measures, therefore, of William 
the Testy, to place the city in a posture of defence, the in- 
habitants continued in great alarm and despondency. But 
Fortune, who seems always careful, in ihe very nick of 
time, to throw a bone for Hope to feed upon, that the 
starveling elf may be kept alive, did about this time crown 
the arms of the province with success in another quarter, 
and thus cheered the drooping hearts of the forlorn Neder- 
landers ; otherwise there is no knowing to what lengths 
they might have gone in the excess of their sorrowing — 
*' for grief," says the profound historian of the seven 
champions of Christendom, " is companion with despair, 
and despair a procurer of infamous death !" 

Among the numerous inroads of the Moss-troopers of 
Connecticut, which for some time past had occasioned 
such great tribulation, I should particularly have men- 
tioned a settlement made on the eastern part of Long- 
Island, at a place which, from the peculiar excellence of 
its shell fish, was called Oyster Bay. This was attacking 
the province in the most sensible part, and occasioned great 
agitation at New Amsterdam. 

It is an incontroverhble fact, well known to skilful 
physiologists, that the high road to the affections is 
through t-lie throat : and this may be accounted for on the 
same principles, which I have already quoted in my stric- 
tures on fat aldermen. Nor is the fact unknown to the 
world at large j and hence do we observe, that the surest 
way to gain the hearts of the million is to feed them well 
— and that a man is never so disposed to flatter, to please, 
and serve another, as when he is feeding at his expence ; 
which is one reason why your rich men, who give frequent 
dinners, have such abundance of sincere and faithful 
friends. It is on this principle that our knowing leaders 
of parties secure the affections of their partisans, by 
rewarding them bountifully with loaves and fishes ; and 
entrap the suffrages of the greasy mob, by treating them 
with bull featits and roasted oxen. I have known many 

N 2 



136 HISTORY OF 

a man, in tins same city, acquire considerable importance 
in society, and usurp a large share of the gfood-vvill of his 
fellow citizens, when the only thing that could be said in 
his eulogium was, " that he gave a good dinner and kept 
excellent wnie." 

Since then the heart and the stomach are so nearly 
allied, it follows conclusively that what aftects the one must 
sympathetically afttct tlie other. Now it is an equally 
incontrovertible fact, that of all offerings to the stomach, 
there is none more grateful than the testaceous marine 
animal, known commonly by the vulgar name of Oyster. 
And in such great reverence has it ever been held by my 
gurmandizing fellow-citizens, that temples have been dedi- 
cated to it, time out of mind, in every street, lane, and 
alley throughout this well fed city. It is not to be 
expected, therefore, that the seizing of Oyster Bay, a place 
abounding with their favourite delicacy, would be tole- 
rated by the inhabitants of New Amsterdam. An attack 
upon tiieir honour they might have pardoned ; even the 
massacre of a few citizens might have been passed over 
in silence ; but an outrage that affected the larders of the 
great city of New Amsterdam, and threatened the stomachs 
of its corpulent burgoniasters, was tco serious to pass 
unrevenged. The whole council was unanimous in 
opinion ; that the intruders should be immediately driven 
by force of aims from Oyster Bay and its vicinity, and a 
detachment was accordingly despatched for the purpose, 
under command of one Stoffel Brinkerhoff, or Briiiker- 
hoofd (i. c. Stoffel, the head breaker) ; so called becau:-e 
he was a man of mighty deeds, famous throughout the 
whole extent of Nieuw Nederlandts for his skill at quar- 
terstaff ; and for size he would have been a match for Col 
brand, the Danish champion, slain by Guy of Warwick. 

Stoffel Brinkerhoff' was a man of few words but prompj 
actions — one of your straight going officers, who march 
directly forward, and do their orders without making any 
parade about it. He used no extraordinary speed in liis 
movements, but trudged steadily on, through Nineveh and 
Babylon, and Jericho and Patchog, and the mighty town 
of Quag, and various other renowned cities of yore, which, 
by some unaccountable witchcraft of the Yankees, have 
been stiangely transplanted to Long Island, until he arrived 
in the neighbourhood of Oystei- Bay. 



NEW YORK.. 137 

Here was he encounierecl by a tumultuous host of 
valiant warriors, headed by Preserved Fish, and Habakkuk 
Nutter, and Return Strong, and Zerubbabel Fisk, and 
Jonathan Doolitlle, and Determined Cock! — At the 
sound of whose names the couragfeous Sloffel verily be- 
lieved that the whole parliament of Praise God Barebones 
had been let loose to discomfit him. Fmding, however, 
that this formidable body was composed merely of the 
« select men" of the settlement, armed with no other 
weapon but their tongues, and that they had issued forth 
with no other intent than to meet him on the field of argu- 
ment — he succeeded in putting them to route with little 
difficulty, and completely broke up their settlement. With- 
out waiting to write an account of his victory on the spot, 
and thus letting the enemy slip through his fingers, while 
he was securing his own laurels, as a more experienced 
general would have done, the brave Stoffel thought of 
nothing but completing his enterprise, and utterly driving 
the Yankees from the island. This hardy enterprise he 
performed in much the same manner as lie had been accus- 
tomed to drive his oxen j for as the Yankees fled before 
him, he pulled up his breeches and trudged steadily after 
them, and would infallibly have driven them into the 
sea, had they not begged for quarter, and agreed to pay 
tribute. 

The news of this achievement was a seasonable restora- 
tive to the spirits of the citizens of New Amsterdam. To 
gratify them still more, the governor resolved to astonish 
them with one of those gorgeous spectacles, known in (he 
days of classic antiquity, a full account of which had been 
flogged into his memory when a schoolboy at the Hague. 
A grand triumph, therefore, was decreed to Sloff'el Brin- 
kerhooff", who made his triumphant entrance into town 
riding on a Naraganset pacer : five pumpkins, which, like 
Roman eagles, had served the enemy for standards, were 
carried before him — fifty cart-loads of oysters, fire hun- 
dred bushels of Weathersfield onions, a hundred quintaU 
of codfish, two hogsheads of molasses, and various other 
treasures, were exhibited as the spoils and tribute of the 
Yankees ; while three notorious counterfeiters of Man- 
hattan notes* were led captives to grace the hero's triumph. 

♦ This is one of tho^e trivial anachronisms that now and then 
occur in the course of this otherwise authentic history. How docul 



138 HISTORY or 

Tiie procession was enlivened by martial music, from the 
trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear, the champion, accom- 
panied by a select band of boys and nep^roes, performing 
on the national instrument of rattle-bones and clam-shells. 
The citizens devoured tlie spoils in sheer gladness of heart 
— every man did honour to the conqueror by getting 
devoutly drunk on New-England rum ; and the learned 
Willielmus Kieft calling to mind, in a momesitary fit of 
enthusiasm and generosity, that it was customary among 
the ancients to honour their victorious general with public 
statues, passed a gracious tiecree, by which every tavern- 
keeper was permitted to paint the head of the intrepid 
Sluffel ou his sign ! 



CHAP. VI. 



PhilosopJiical Reflections on the Folly of being happy 
in times of Prosperity.— Sundry Troubles on the Southern 
Frontiers .—How IVillinm the Testy hud well nigh ruined 
the Province through a cabalistic word. — As also the 
secret expedition of Jan Javsen Alpendaniy and his 
astonishing Reward. 

If we could but get a peep at the tally of Dame Fortune, 
where, like a notable landlady, she regulaily chalks up 
the debtor and creditor accounts of mankind, we should 
find that, upon the whole , good a-.id evil are pretty nearly 
balanced in this world : and though we may for a long 
while revel in the very lap of prospeiity, the time will at 
length come, when we must ruefully pay off tlie reckon- 
ing. Fortune, in fict, is a pestilent shrew, and withal a 
most inexorable creditor ; for though she may indulge her 
favourites in long credits, and overwhelm tliem with her 
favours, yet sooner or later she brings up her arrears, 
with the rigour of an experienced publican, and washes 
out her scores with their tears. " Since," says good old 
Buetius, in his Consolation of PL-losophy, " since no man 
can retain her at his pleasure, and since her flight is so 

M.mliattan notes he counterfeited, when as yet B;inks were unknown 
in this country— and our simple protjenitors had not even uieauied 
oi those iuexuauslible laiam of paper opulence ]— J^iiut. Dev. 



NEW YORK. l39 

deeply lamented, what are her favours but sure prognosti- 
cations of approaching trouble and calamity? 

There is nothing that more moves njy contempt at the 
stupidity and want of reflection of my fellow men, than 
to behold them rejoicing, and indulging in security and 
self-contidence, in times of prosperity. To a wise man, 
who is blessed with the light of reason, those are the very 
moments of anxiety and apprehension; well knowing that, 
according to the system of things, happiness is at best but 
transient ; and that the higher he is elevated by the capri- 
cious breath of fortune, the lower must be his propor- 
tionate depression. Whereas, he who is overwhelmed by 
calamity has the less chance of encountering fresh disas- 
ters, as a man at the bottom of a ladder runs very little risk 
of breaking his neck by tumbling to the top. 

This is tlje very essence of true wisdom, which consists 
in knowing when we ought to be miserable ; and was dis- 
covered much about the same time with that invaluable 
secret, " that every thing is vanity aid vexation of spirit;" 
in consequence of which maxim your wise men have ever 
been the unhappiest of the human race ; esteeming it as an 
infallible mark of genius to be distressed without reason ; 
since any man may be miserable in time of misfortune, 
but it is the philosopher alone who can discover cause for 
grief in the very hour of prosperity. 

According to the principle 1 have just advanced, we 
find that the colony of Mew Netherlands, which, under 
the reign of the renowned Van Twiller, had flourished iu 
such alarming and fatal serenity, is now paying for its 
former welfare, and discharging the enormous debt of 
comfort which it contracted. Foes harass it from different 
quarters; the city of New Amsterdam, while yet in its 
infancy, is kept in constant alarm ; and its valiant com- 
mander, William the Testy, answers the vulgar but expres- 
sive idea of " a man in a peck of troubles." 

While busily engaged repelling his bitter enemies the 
Yankees, on one side, we find him suddenly molested in 
another quarter, and by other assailants. A vagrant 
colony of Swedes, under the conduct of Peter Minnewits, 
and professing allegiance to that redoubtable virago, Chris- 
tina, queen of Sweden, had settled themselves and erected 
a fort on south (or Delaware) river ; within the boundarie* 
claimed by the government of the New Netherlands. Hia 



140 HISTORY OF 

tory 18 mute as to the particulars of their first landing, and 
their I'eal pretensions to the soil ; and this is the more to 
be lamented, as this same colony of Swedes will hereafter 
be found most materially to atllect, not only the interests of 
the Nederlanders, but of the world at large ! 

In whatever manner, therefore, this vagabond colony of 
Swedes first took possession of the country, it is certain 
that in 1638 they established a fort, and Minnewits, 
according to the off-hand usage of his contemporai ies, 
declared himself governor of all the adjacent country, 
under the name of the province of New Sweden. No 
sooner did this reach the ears of the choleric Wilheiraus, 
than, like a true spirited chieftain, he immediately broke 
into a violent rage, and calling together his council, bela- 
boured the Swedes most lustily, in the longest speech that 
had ever been heard in the colony, since the memorable 
dispute of Ten Breeches and Tough Breeches. Haviiigthus 
given rent to the first ebullitions of his indignation, he had 
resort to his favourite measure of proclamation, and 
despatched one piping hot, in the first year of his reign, 
informing Peter Minnewits, that the whole territory border- 
ing on the south river, had, time out of mind, been in 
possession of the Dutch colonists, having been " beset with 
forts, and sealed with their blood." 

The latter sanguinary sentence would convey an idea of 
direful war and bloodshed, were we not relieved by the 
information, that it merely related to a fray, in which some 
half a dozen Dutchmen had been killed by the Indians, in 
their benevolent attempts to establish a colony and promote 
civilization. By this it will be seen that William Kieft, 
though a very small man, delighted in big expressions, 
and was much given to a praiseworthy figure in rhetoric, 
generally cultivated by your little great men, called hyper- 
bole. A figure which had been found of infinite service 
among many of his class, and which has helped to swell 
the grandeur of many a mighty, self-important, but windy 
chief magistrate. Nor can I resist in this place, from 
observing how much my beloved country is indebted to 
this same figure of hyperbole, for supporting certain of 
her greatest characters — statesmen, orators, civilians, and 
divines ; who, by dint of big words, inflated periods, and 
windy doctrines, are kept afloat on the surface of society, 
as ignorant swimmers are buoyed up by blown bladders. 



NEW YORK. 141 

The proclamation against Minnewits concluded by 
ordering^ the self-diibbed governor, and his gang of Swedish 
adventurers, immediately to leave the country, under 
penalty of the high displeasure and inevitable vengeance of 
the puissant government of the Nieuw Nederlandts. This 
" strong measure," however, does not seem to have had a 
vhit more efl'ect than its predecessors, which had been 
thundered against the Yankees — the Swedes resolutely held 
on to the territory they had taken possession of, where- 
upon matters t\)r the present remained in statu quo. 

That Wilhelmus Kieft should put up with this insolent 
obstinacy in the Swedes would appear incompatible with 
his valorous temperament ; but we find that about this 
time the little man had his hands full, and with one annoy- 
ance and another, was kept continually on the bounce. 

There is a cei-tain description of active legislators, who, 
by shrewd njanagemeat, contrive always to have a hundred 
irons on the anvil, every one of which must be immedi- 
ately attended to ; who consequently are ever full of 
temporary shifts and expedients, patching up the public 
welfare, and cobbling the national aflTairs, so as to make 
nine holes where they mend one — stopping chinks and 
flaws with whatever comes first to hand, like the Yankees I 
have mentioned stuffing old clothes in broken windows. 
Or this class of statesmen was William the Testy ; and 
had he only been blessed with powers equal to his zeal, 
or his zeal been disciplined by a little discretion, there 
is very little doulit but he would have made the greatest 
governor of his size on record-, the renowned governor of 
the island of Barataria alone excepted, 

Tne great defect of Wilhelmus Keift's policy was, that 
though no man could be more ready to stand forth in an 
hour of emergency, yet he was so intent upon guarding 
the national p.tcket, that he siifi'ered the enemy to break 
its head : in other woids, whatever precaution for public 
safety he adopted, he was so intent upon rendering it 
cheap, that he invariably rendered it ineffectual. All this 
was a remote consequence of his profound education at 
the Hague; where, having acquired a smattering of know- 
ledge, he was ever after a gieat Conner of indexes, con- 
tinually dipping ujto books, without ever studying to the 
bottom of any subject ; so that he had the scum of all 
kinds of aut^sors fermenting in his pericranium. In some 



143 HISTORY OF 

of these title-pape researches be unluckily stumbled over 
a giand political cabalistic wordy which, with his 
customary facility, he immediately incorporated into his 
great scheme of government, to the irretrievable injury and 
delusion of the honest province of Nieuw Nederlandts, and 
the eternal misleading of all experiment-al rulers. 

In vain have I pored over the Theurgia of the Chal- 
deans, the Cabala of the Jews, the Necromancy of the 
Arabians, the Magic of the Persians, the Hocus Pocus 
of the English, the Witchcraft of the Yankees, or the Pow- 
wowing of the Indians, to discover where the little man 
first laid his eyes on this terrible word. Neither theSephir 
Jezirah, that famous cabalistic volume, ascribed to the 
Patriarch Abraham; nor the pages of the Zoheir, contain 
ing the mysteries of the cabala, recorded by the learned 
Rabbi Simeon Jcjchaides, yield any light to my inquiries: 
nor am I in the least benefited by my painful researches 
in the Shem-hamphorah of Benjamin the wandering Jew, 
though it enabled Davidus Elm to make a ten days' jour- 
ney in twenty-four hours. Neither can 1 perceive the 
slightest affinity in the Tetragrammaton, or sacred name 
of four letters, the profoundest word of the Hebrew Ca- 
bala : a mystery, sublime, ineffable, and incommunicable, 
and the letters of which, Jod-He-Vau-He, having been 
stolen by the Pagans, constituted their great name Jao, or 
Jove. In short, in all my cabalistic, theurgic, necromantic, 
magical, and astrological researches, from the Tetractys, 
of Pythagoras, to the recondite works of Breslaw and 
Mother Bunch, I have not discovered the least vestige of 
an origin of this wo)"d, nor have 1 discovered any word of 
sufficient potency to counteract it. 

Not to keep my readers in any suspence, the word which 
had so wonderfully arrested the attention of William the 
Testy, and which in German characters had a particu- 
larly black and ominous aspect, on being fairly translated 
into the English, is no other than economy — a talis- 
manic term, winch, by constant use and frequent mention, 
has ceased to be formidable in our eyes, but which has as 
terrible potency as any in the arcana of necromancy. 

When pn^nuunced in a national assembly, it has an im- 
mediate effect in closing the hearts, beclouding the intel- 
lects, drawing the purse strings, and buttoning the breehesc 
pockets, of all philosophic legislators. Nor are its effects 



NEW YORK. 143 

on the eyes less wonderful. It produces a contraction of 
the retina, an obscurity of the crystalline lens, a viscidity 
of the vitreous, and an inspissation of the aqueous humours, 
an induration of the tunica sclerotica, and a convexity of 
the cornea •, insomuch that tlie organ of vision loses its 
strength and perspicuity, and the unfortunate patient be- 
comes myopesy or, in plain English, purblind 5 perceiving 
only the amount of immediate expense, without being able 
to look farther, and regard it in counection with the ulti- 
mate object to be effected j " so that," to quote the words 
of the eloquent Burke, « a briar at his nose is of greater 
magnitude than an oak at five hundred yards distance.'* 
Such are its instantaneous operations, and the results are 
still more astonishing. By its magic influence seventy- 
fours shrink into frigates, frigates into sloops, and sloops 
into gun-boats. As the defenceless ships of Eneas, at 
the command of the protecting Venus, changed into sea- 
nymphs, and protected themselves by diving 5 so the 
mighty navy of America, by the cabalistic word of eco- 
nomy, dwindles into small craft, and shelters itself in a 
mill-pond ! 

This all-potent word, which served as his touchstone in 
politics, at once explains the whole system of proclama- 
tions, protests, empty threats, windmills, trumpeters, and 
paper war, carried on by Wilhelmus the Tesly ; and we 
may trace its operations in an armameiit which he fitted 
out in 1642, in a moment of great wrath, consisting of two 
sloops and thirty men, under the command of Mynheer 
Jan Jansen Alpendam, as admiral of the fleet, and com- 
mander-in-chief of the forces. This formidable expedition, 
which can only be paralleled by some of the daring cruises 
of our infant navy about the bay and up the sound, was 
intended to drive the Marylanders from the Schuylkill, of 
which they had recently taken possession, and which was 
claimed as part of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts; fin- 
it appears that at this time our infant colony was in that 
enviable slate so much coveted by ambitious nations ; that 
is to say, the government had a vast extent of territory, 
part of which it enjoyed, and the greater part of which it 
had continually to quarrel about. 

Admiral Jan Jansen Alpendam was a man of great 
mettle and prowess, and no way dismayed at the character 
of the enemy, who were represented as a gigantic, gun- 



144 HISTORY OF 

powder race of men, who lived on hoe-cakes and bacon, 
drank mint-juleps and apple toddy ; and were exceedinsrly 
expert at boxing, biting, gouging, tar and feathering, and 
a variety of other athletic accomplishments, which they had 
borrowed fiom their cousins-german and prototypes the 
Virginians, to whom they have ever borne considerable 
resemblance. Notwithstanding all these alarming repre- 
sentations, the admiral entered the Schuylkill most un- 
dauntedly with his fleet, and anived without disaster or 
opposition at the place of destination. 

Here he attacked the enemy in a vigorous speech in low 
Dutch, which the wary Kieft had previously put in his 
pocket ; wherein he courteously commenced by calling 
hem a pack of lazy, louting, dram-drinking, cock-hght- 
iig, horse-racing, slave-driving, tavern-haunting, sabbath- 
breaking, mulatto-breeding upstarts ; and concluded by 
orderhig them to evacuate the country immediately ; to 
which they most laconically replied in plain English, 
" they'd see him d d first." 

Now this was a reply for which neither Jan Jansen 
Alpendam, nor Wilhehnus Kieft, had made any calculation ; 
and finding himself totally unprepared to answer so terri- 
ble a rebuff with suitable hostility, he concluded that his 
wisest course was to return home and report progress. 
He accordingly sailed back to New-Amsterdam, where he 
was received with great honours, and considered as a 
pattern for all commanders ; having achieved a most 
hazardous enterprise, at a trifling expence of treasure, and 
without losing a single man to the state! — He was unani- 
mously called the deliverer of his country (an appellation 
liberally bestowed on all great men) ; his two sloops, 
having done their duty, were laid up (or dry-docked) in a 
cove now called the Albany Basin, where they quietly 
rotted in the mud •, and, to immortalize his name, they 
erected, by subscription, a magnificent shingle monument 
on the top of Flatten-barrack* Hill, which lasted three 
whole years, when it fell to pieces, and was burned for 
firewood. 

• A corruption of Varleth's bergli, or Varleth's Hill, so callea 
from one Varleth, who lived upon that hill in the early days of the 
settlement. 



NEW YORK 



CHAP. V. 



How William the Testy enriched the Province by n 

multitude of Laws, and came to be the Patron of Lawyers 

and Bum-bailiffs. — And how the people became exceedingly 

enlightened and unhappy under his Instructions. 

Among the many wrecks and fragments of exalted 
wisdom which have floated down the stream of time from 
venerable antiquity, and have been carefully picked up by 
those humble but industrious wights, who ply along the 
shores of literature, we tind the following sage ordinance 
of Charondas, the Locrian legislator : — Anxious to preserve 
the ancient laws of the stale from the additions and 
improvements of profound "country members," or odicions 
candidates for popularity, he ordained, that whoever 
proposed a new law, should do it with a halter about his 
neck ; so that, in case his proposition was rejected, they 
just hung him up, and there the matter ended. 

This salutary institution had such an effect, that foi 
more than two hundred years there was only one trifling 
alteration in the criminal code ; and the whole race ot 
lawyers starved to death for want of employment. T\u 
consecjuence of this was, that the Locrians being unpro 
tected by an overwhelming load of excellent laws, and 
undefended by a standing array of pettifoggers and sherifl''& 
oflScerp lived very lovingly together, and were such a ' 
happj people, that they scarce make any tigure hroughout 
the whole Grecian history ; for it is well known that nont 
but your unlucky, quarrelsome, rantipole nations make 
any noise in the world. 

Well would it have been for William the Testy, had he 
haply, in the course of his " universal acquirements," 
stumbled upon this precaution of the good Charondas, On 
the contrary, he conceived that the true policy of alegislatoi 
was to multiply laws, and thus secure the property, the 
persous. and the morals of the people, by surrounding 
them m a manner with men-traps and spring-gnus, ai-d 
besetting even the sweet sequestered walks of private 
life with quickset-hedg«s, so that a man could scarcely 
turn without the risk of encountering some of t'.'.ose 
oest'ferous protectors. Thus was he continually coining 

o 



14 6 HISTORY OF 

petty laws for every petty offence that occurred, until in 
time they became too numerous to be remembered, and 
remained, like those of certain modern legislatois, mere 
dead letters, revived occasionally for the purpose of 
individual oppression, or to entrap ignoiant offenders. 

Petty courts consequently began to appear, where the 
law was administered with nearly as much wisdom and 
impartiality as in those august tribunals, the aldermen's 
and justices' courts of the present day. The plaintiff" was 
generally favoured, as being a customer, and bringing 
business to the shop ; the offences of the rich were 
discreetly winked at, for ftar of hurting the feelings of their 
friends ; but it could never be laid to the charge of the 
vigilant burgomasters, that they suffered vice to sculk 
unpunished under the disgraceful rags of poverty. 

About this time may we date the first introduction of 
capital punishments : a goodly gallows being erected on 
the waterside about where Whitehall stairs are at present, 
a little to the east of the battery. Hard by also was erected 
another gibbet, of a very strange, uncouth, and unmatch- 
able description, but on which the ingenious William Kieft 
valued himself not a little, being a punishment entirely of 
his own invention.* 

It was for loftiness of altitude not a whit inferior to that 
of Haman, so renowned in Bible history ; but the marvel 
of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead of being 
suspended by the neck, according to venerable custom, was 
hoisted by the waistband, and was kept for an hour 
together, dangling and sprawling between heaven and 
earth, to the infinite entertainment, and doubtless great 
edification of the multitude of respectable citizens, who 
usually attend upon exhibitions of the kind. 

It is incredible how the little governor chuckled at 
beholding caitiff' vagrants and sturdy beggars thus swinging 
by the crupper, anil cutting antic gambols in the air. He 
had a thousand pleasantries, and mirthful conceits, to utter 
upon these occasions. He called them his dandlc-lions^ 
his wild-fowl — his high fliers — his spread eagles — his 
goshawks — his scarecrows — ^and finally, liis gallows-bird s ; 
which ingenious appellation, though originally confined to 
worthies who had taken the air in this strange manner, has 

• Both the gibbets may be seen in the sketch of Justus Danker, 
piefixcd to tlie work. 



I 



NEW YORK. 147 

since p-own to be a cant-name given to all caixlidales for 
legal elevation. This punishment, moreover, if we may 
credit the assertions of certain grave etymologists, gave 
the first hint for a kind of harnessing, or strapping, by 
which our forefathers braced up their multifarious breeches, 
and which has of late years been revived, and continues to 
be worn at the present day. 

Such were the admirable improvements of VVilliam Kieft 
in criminal law; nor was his civil code less a matter of 
wonderment : and much does it grieve me that the limits 
of my work will not suffer me to expatiate on both with 
the prolixity they deserve. Let it suffice then to say, that 
in a little while the blessings of innumerable laws became 
notoriously apparent. It was soon found necessary to have 
a certain class of men to expound and confound them : 
divers pettifoggers accordingly made their appearance, 
under whose protecting care the community was soon set 
together by the ears. 

1 would not here be thought to insinuate any thing 
derogatory to the profession of the law, or to its dignified 
members. Well am 1 aware that we have in this ancient 
city innumerable worthy gentlemen, who have embraced 
that honourable order, not for the sordid love of filthy 
lucre, nor the selfish cravings of renown, but through no 
other motives than a fervent zeal for the correct adminis- 
tration of justice, and a generous and disinterested devo- 
tion to the interests of their fellow citizens ! — Sooner would 
1 throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork up my 
ink-bottle for ever, than infringe, even for a nail's-breadth, 
upon the dignity of this truly benevolent class of citizens; 
on the contrary, I allude solely to that crew of caitiff 
scouts, who in these latter days of evil, have become so 
numeious — who infest the skirts of the profession, as did 
the recreant Cornish knights the honourable order of 
chivalry — who, under its auspices, commit their depre- 
dations on society — who thrive by quibbles, quirks, and 
chicanery; and, like vermin, swarm most where tTiere is 
most corruption. 

Nothing so soon awakens the malevo'ent passions as 
the facility of gratification. The courts of law would 
never be so constantly crowded with petty, vexatious, and 
disgraceful suits, were it not for the herds of pettifogging 
lawyers that infest them. These tamper with the passions 

o 3 



HISTORY OF 

of the lower and more ignoraiit classes ; who, as it 
povei ty were not a suffic lent misery in itself", are always 
ready to heighten it, by the bitterness of litigation. They 
are in law what quacks are in medicine — exciting t!;e 
malady for the purpose of profiting by the cure j and 
retarding the cure for the purpose of augmenting the ftes. 
Where one destroys the constitution, (he other impoverishes 
t!ie purse ; and it may likewise be observed, that a patient, 
who has once been under the hands of a quack, is ever 
after dabbling in drugs, and poisoning himself with infal- 
lible remedies ; and an ignorant man, who has wite 
meddlt'd with the law, vmder the auspices of one of the^e 
einj)iiics, is for ever after embroiling himself with his 
neighbours, and impoverishing himself with successful 
law-suits. My readers will excuse this digression, into 
which I have been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not 
avoid giving a cool, unprejv.diced account of an abomi- 
nation too pievaUnt in this excellent city, and witli the 
effects of which I am unluckily acquainted to my cost 5 
having been neaily ruii;ed b\ a lawsuit, wliich was unjustly 
decided against me, and my ruin having been completed 
by another, which was decided in my favour. 

It has been lemaiked by the observant writer of the 
StnyAcsant manusciipt, that under the administration of 
Wiiiiehnus Kieft, tlie disposition of the inhabitants of 
Wevv-Amsterdam experienced au essential change, so that 
they became very medlilesonie and factious. The con- 
stant exacerbations of temper into which the little governor 
was thrown, by the marautlings on his frontiers, and 
unfortunate propensity to experiment and mnovation, 
occasioned him to keep his council in a continual worry — 
and the council being to the people at large, what yeast or 
leaven is to a batch, tliey threw the whole conmiunity 
into a ferment — and the people at large being to the city 
wLat the mind is to the body, the unhappy commotions 
tiiey underwent operated most disastrously upon New- 
Amsterdam — insomuch that, in ceitainof their paroxysms 
of consternation and perplexity, they begat several of the 
most crooked, dissorted, and abominable streets, lanes, and 
alleys, with which this rattrupolis is disfigured. 

But the woist of the matter was, that just about this 
time, the mob, since called the sovereign ]>eople, like 
Balaam's ass, began to grov. more tnlightcned than its 



NEW YORK. 149 

ruler, and exhibited a strange desire of g-overning itself. 
This wasanolher effect of the " universal arquiiements'' of 
William the Testy. In some of his pestilent researches 
among the rubbish of antiquity, he was struck with 
admiration at the institution of public tables among the 
Lacedemonians, where they discussed topics of a general 
and interesting nature— at the schools of the philosophers, 
where they engaged in profound disputes upon politics 
and morals — where grey-beards were taught the rudiments 
of wisdom, and youths learned to become little men, 
before they were boys "There is nothing," said the 
ingenious Kieft, shutting up the book — " there is nothing 
more essential to the well-management of a country, than 
education among the people •, the basis of a good govern- 
ment should be laid in the public mind." Now this was 
true enough ; but it was ever the wayward fate of William 
the Testy, that when he thought right, he was sure to go 
to work wrong. In the present instance, he could scarcely 
eat or sleep, until he had set on foot brawling debating 
societies, among the simple citizens of New Amsterdam. 
This was the one thing wanting to complete his confusion. 
Tiie honest Dutch burghers, though in truth but little 
given to argument or wordy altercation, yet by dint of 
meeting often together, fuddling themselves with strong 
drink, beclouding their brains with tobacco smoke, and 
listening to the harangues of some half a dozen oracles, 
soon became exceedingly wise, and, as is always the case 
where the mob is politically enlightened, exceedingly 
discontented. They found out, with wonderful quickness 
of discernment, the fearful error in which they had in- 
dulged, in fancying themselves the happiest people in 
creation ; and were fortunately convinced that, all cir- 
cumstances to the contrary notwithstanding, they were a 
very unhappy, deluded, and consequently ruined people ! 

In a, short time the quidnuncs of New-Amsterdam 
formed themselves into sage juntos of political croakers, 
who daily met together to groan over political affairs, and 
make themselves miserable j thronging to these unhappy 
assemblages with the same eagerness, that zealots have m 
all ages abandoned the milder and more peaceful paths of 
religion, to crowd tot,he howling convocations of fanaticism. 
We are naturally prone to discontent, and avaricious after 
imaginary causes of lamentation : — like lubberly monks, 



17)6 HISTORY or 

wc bclabi)r.r our own shoulders, ami seem to take a vast 
satisfaction in t'le music of our own g^roans. Nor is this 
said for the sake of paradc« ^ dady experience shows tl)e 
truth of these observations. It is next to a farce to offer 
consolation, or to think of elevali;i^ the spirits of a man 
groaning under ideal calamities ; but nothinjj is more easy 
than to render him wretched, thouajh on the pinnacle of 
felicity ; as it is an Herculean task to hoist a man to the 
top of a steeple, though the merest child can topple him 
off thence. 

In the sage assemblaafes I have noticed, the philo- 
sophic reader will at once perceive the faint germs of those 
sapient convocations called papular meeting's, prevalent 
in our day. Thither resort all thor-e idlers a!id *' squires 
of low degree," v/ho, like rags, hang loose upon the back 
of society, and are ready to be blown away by every wind 
of doctrine. Cobblers abandoned their stalls, and hastened 
Ihither to give lessons on political economy— black- 
•tmiths left their handicraft and suffered their own fires tt 
^) out, wlnle they blew the bellows and stirred up the tire 
of faction ; and even tailors, though but the shreds and 
patches, the ninth parts of humanity, neglected their own 
measures, to attend to the measures of government. 
Nothing was wanting but half a dozen newspapers and 
patriotic editors, to have completed this public illumina- 
tion, and to have thrown the whole province in an uproar I 

I should not forget to mention that these popular meet- 
ing- were always held at a noted tavern ; for houses of 
that description have always been f lund the most congenial 
nurseries of politics 5 abounding with those genial streams 
which give strength and sustenance to faction. We are 
told that the ancient Germans had an admirable mode of 
treating any question of importance j they first deliberated 
upon it when drunk, and afterwards reconsidered it when 
sober. The shrewder mobs of America, who dislike having 
two minds upon a subject, both determine and act upon it 
drunk ; by which means a world of cold and tedious 
speculations is dispensed with — and as it is universally 
allowed, that when a man is drunk he sees double; it 
follows most conclusivclv that he sees twice as well as his 
sober neighbours. 



NKW VORK. 151 



CHAP. VI. 



of tlie (jreat Pipe Plot — and of the dolorous perplexities 

into which William the Testy was thrown, by reason of 

his having enlightened the Multitude. 

WiLHELMUs KlEFT, as has already been made mam 
fosi, was a great legislator upon a small scale. He was 
of an active or rather a busy mind ; that is to say, his was 
one of those small, luit brisk minds, that make up "^v 
bustle and constant motion, for the want of great scop, 
and power. Ha Isad, when quite a youngling, been im- 
pressed with the advice of Solomon, "Go to the ant, thou 
sluggard, consider her ways and be wise :" in conformity 
to which, he had ever been of a rest!es«, ant-like turn, 
worrying hither and thither, busying himself about little 
matters, with an air of grei/t importance and anxiety — 
laviiig up wisdom by the morsel, and often toiling and 
pufting at a grain of mustard seed, under t!ie full con- 
viction that he was moving a mountain. 

Thus we are told, that once upon a time, in one of his 
fits of mental bustle, which he termed deliberation, he 
framed an unlucky law, to prohit the universal practice of 
smoking. This he proved, by mathematical demonstra- 
tion, to be not merely a heavy tax on the public pocket, 
but an incredible consumer of time, a hideous encourager 
of idleness, and, of course, a deadly bane to the pros- 
perity and moials of the people. Ill fated Kieft ! had he 
lived in this enlightened and libel-loving age, and at- 
tempted to subvert the inesfimiible liberty of the press, he 
could not have struck mure closely on the sensibilities of 
the million 

The populace were in as violent a tumult as the consti- 
tutional gravity of their deportment would permit : a mob 
of factiiiUi!. citizens had even the hardihood to assemble 
before the g-overnor's house, where, setting themselves 
resolutely down, like a besieging army before a fortress, 
they one and all fell to smoking with a determined peise- 
verance, that seemed as though it were their intention to 
smoke him into terms. The Testy William issued out of 
his ma4isioa like unto u wrathful spidei', and demanded to 



152 HISTORY or 

know the cause of this seditious assptnblage, and this law- 
less fumigation ; to which these sturdy rioters made no 
other reply, than to loll back most phlegmatically in their 
seats and puff away with redoubled fury ; whereby they 
raised such a murky cloud, that the governor was fain to 
take refuge in (he interior of his castle. 

The governor immediately perceived the object of this 
unusual tumult, and that it would be impossible to sup- 
press a practice which, by long indulgence, had become a 
second nature. And here I would observe, parlly to ex- 
plain why I have so often made mention of this practice in 
mv history, that it was inseparably connected with all the 
aflairs, both public and private, of our revered ancestors. 
The pipe, in fact, was never from the mouth of the true- 
born Nederlander. It was his companion in solitude, the 
relaxation of his gayer hours — his counsellor, his con- 
soler, his joy, his pride j in a word, he seemed to think 
and breathe through his pipe. 

When William the Testy bethought himself of all these 
matters, which he certainly did, although a little too late, 
he came to a compromise with the beseiging multitude. 
The result was, that though he continued to permit the 
custom of smoking, yet did he abolish the fair long pipes, 
which were used in tlie days of Wouter Van Tvviller, de- 
noting ease, tranquilitty, and sobriety of deportment ; and 
in place thereof did introduce little captious short pipes, 
two inches in length ; which, he observed, could be stuck 
in one corner of the mouth, or twisted in the hat-band, and 
would not be in the way ot business. By this the multi- 
tude seemed somewhat appeased, and dispersed to their 
habitations. Thus ended this alarming insurrection, 
which was long known by the name of the pipe plot, and 
which, it has been somewhat quaintly observed, did end, 
like most other plots, seditions, and conspiracies, in mere 
imoke. 

But mark, oh reader ! the deplorable consequences 
that did aftcrvrards result. Thesmoke of these villainious 
little pipes, continually ascen<ling in a cloud about the 
uose, penetrated into and befogged the cerebellum, dried 
np all the kindly moisture of the brain, and rendered the 
people that used them as vapourish and testy as their 
renowned little governor — nay, what is more, from a good 
burly race of folk, they became, like our worthy Dutch 



NEW YORK, 153 

farmers, who smoke short pipes, a lantern-jawed, smoked- 
diicri, leathern-hided race of men. 

Nor was this all, for from thence may we date the rise 
of parties in this province. Certain </f the more wealthy 
and important burghers adhering to the ancient fashion 
formed a kind of aristocracy, which went by the appella 
tion of the Long Pipes, while the lower oiders submitting 
to the innovanon, which they found to be more convenient 
in their handicraft employmevjls, and to leave them more 
liberty of action, were branded with the plebeian name of 
Short Pipes. A third party likewise sprang up, diflering 
from b;>th the others, headed by the descendants of the 
famous Robert Chewit, the companion of the great Hudson. 
'I'hese entirely discarded the use of pipes, and took to 
chewing tobacco, and hence they were called Quids. It is 
worthy of notice, that tliis appellation has since come to 
be invariably applied to those mongrel or third parties, 
that will sometimes spring up between two o-jeat contend- 
ing parties, as a inule is pioduced between a horse and 
an ass. 

And here I would remark the great benefit of these 
party distinctions, by m hich the people at large are saved 
the vast trouble of thinking. Hesiod (tivides mankind into 
three classes, those who think for themselves, those who 
let others think for them, and those who will neither do 
one nor the other. The second class, however, corn- 
prises the great mass of society, and hence is the origin of 
pnrtpy by which is meant a large body of people, some 
few of whom think, and all the rest talk. The former, 
who are called the leaders, marshal out and discipline t!ie 
latter, teaching them what they must approve — what they 
must hoot at — what they must say — whom they must 
support 5 but, above all, whom they must hate ; for no 
man can be a right good partisan, unless he be a deter- 
mined and thorough-going hater. 

But when the sovereign people are thus properly broken 
to the harne.^?, yoked, embed, and reined, it is delectable 
to see with what docility and harmony they jog oriward, 
through mud and mire, at the will of their drivers, drag- 
ging the dirt-carts of faction at their heels. How many a 
patriotic members of congress have I seen, who would 
never have known how to make up his mind on any ques- 
tion, and might have run a great risk of voting right by 



154 HISTORY OF 

mere accident, had he not had others to think for him, and 
a file leader to vote after. 

Thus then the enlightened inhabitants of the Manhattoes, 
being^ divided into parties, were enabled to organize dissen- 
sion, and to oppose and hate one another more accurately. 
And now the great business of polities went bravely on ; 
the parties assembling in separate beer-houses, and 
fcuioking at each other with implacable animosity, to the 
great support of the state, and emolument of the tavern 
keepers. Some, indeed, who were more zealous than the 
rest, went further, and began to bespatter one another 
with numerous very hard names and scandalous little 
words, to be ft^und in the Dutch language; every partisan 
believing religiously that he was serving his country, 
when he traduced the character, or impoverished the 
pocket of a political adversary. But, however they might 
differ between themselves, all parties agreed on one point — 
to caval at and condemn every measure of government 
whether right or wrong 5 for as the governor was by his 
station independent of their power, and was not elected by 
their choice, and as he had not decided in favour of either 
faction, neither of them was interested in his success, 
nor in the prosperity of the country while under his 
administration. 

"Unhappy William Kieft '." exclaims the sage writer of 
the Stuyvesant manuscript, "doomed to conlend with 
enemies too knowing to be entrapped, and to reign over 
a people too wise to be governed I" All his expeditions 
against his enemies were baffled and set at nought, and all 
his measures for the pu!)lic safety were cavilled at by 
the people. Did he propose levying an efficient body of 
troops for internal defence — the mob, that is to say, those 
vagabond members of the community who have nothing to 
lose, immediately took the alarm, vociferated that their 
interests were in danger 5 that a standing army was a 
legion of moths, preying on the pockets of society ; a rod 
of iron in the hands of government ; and that a govern- 
ment with a military force at its command would inevitably 
swell into a despotism. Did he, as was but too commonly 
the case, defer preparation until the moment of emergency, 
and then hastily collect a handful of undisciplined vagrants 
— the measure was hooted at, as feeble and inadetjuate ; as 
triflnig with the public dignity and safety 3 and as lavish 



NEW YORK. 155 

mg the public funds on impotent enterprises. Did he 
resort to the economic measure of proclamation— he was 
laughed at by the Yankees. Did lie back it by non-inter- 
course — it was evaded and counteracted by his own 
subjects. Whichever way he turned himself he was 
beleagured and disti acted by petitions of " numerous and 
respectable meetings," consisting of some half a dozen 
brawling pot-house politicians ; all of which he read, and, 
what is worse, all of which he attended to. The conse- 
quence was, that by incessantly changing his measures, he 
gave none of them a fair trial ; and by listening to the 
clamours of the mob, and endeavouring to do every thing, 
he, in sober truth, did nothing. 

I would not have it supposed, however, that he took all 
these memorials and interferences good-naturedly, for such 
an idea would do an injustice to his valiant spirit; on the 
contrary, he never received a piece of advice in the whole 
course of his life, without first getting into a passion with 
the giver. But 1 have ever observed thar your passionate 
little men, like small boats with large sails, are the easiest 
upset or blown out of their course ; and this is demon* 
strated by Governor Kieft, who, though in temperament as 
hot as an old radish, and with a mind, the territory of 
which was subjected to perpetual whirlwinds and tornadoes, 
yet never failed to be carried away by the last piece of 
advice that was blown into his ear. Lucky was it for him 
that his power was not dependent on the greasy multitude, 
and that as yet the populace did not possess the important 
privilege of nominating their chief magistrate. They, 
however, like a true mob, did their best to help along 
public affairs 5 pestering their governor incessantly by 
goading him on with harangues and petitions ; and then 
thwarting his fiery spirit wiih reproaches and memorials, 
like a knot of Sunday-jockies, managing an unlucky devil 
of a hack-horse : so tliat Wilhelmus Kieft may be said to 
have been kept either on a worry or a hand-gallop 
throusfhout the whole of his adminstration. 



156 HISTORY OF 



CHAP. VII. 

Containing divers fearful accounts of Border JVarSy and 
the flagrant outrages of the Moss Troopers of Connecti- 
cut ; with the rise of the great Amphyctionic Council of 
the East, and the decline of William the Testy. 

It was asserted by the wise men of ancient tinne?, who 
were intimately acquainted with these matters, that at the 
gate of Jupiter's palace lay two huaje tuns, the one filled 
with blessings, the other with misfortunes j and it verily 
seems as if the latter had been completely overturned, and 
left to deluge the unlucky province of Nieuw Nederlandts. 
Among the many internal and external causes of irritation, 
the incessant irruptions of the Yankees upon his frontiers 
•were continually a(iding fuel to the imflammable temper 
of William the Testy. Numerous accounts of these 
molestations may still be found among the records of the 
times ; for the commanders on the frontiers were especially 
careful to evince their vigilance and zeal, by striving who 
should send home the most frequent and voluminous 
budgets of complaints, as your faithful servant is eternally 
running with complaints to the parlour, of all the petty 
squabbles and misdemeanours of the kitchen. All these 
valiant tale bearings were listened to with great wrath by 
the passionate Kieft and his subjects, who were to the full 
as eager to hear, and credulous to believe, these frontier 
fables, as are my fellow citizens to swallow those amusing 
stories with which our papers are daily filled, about British 
aggressions at sea, French sequestrations on shore, Spanish 
infringements in the promised land of Louisiana, and, 
above all, internal plots and conspiracies. 

We are told by the good Plutarch, in his life of Nicias, 
that the terrible defeat of the Athenians in Sicily was first 
mentioned in tlie shop of a gossiping barber at the Piraeus. 
Whereupon, with the customary officiousness of his tribe, 
he ran up into Athens to have the first telling of the story, 
and threw the whole forum into consternation. Not being 
able, however, to substantiate his tale, the unlucky shaver 
was put upon the wheel and whirled about, as a reward 
for his trouble, until he was exculpated by the arrival of 
other evidi uce. 



,1 

i 



NEW York, 157 

Such was tlie manner in which busy alarmists ausi 
niaimfacturers of fearful news were treated in Athens, 
whereas in our more enlightened couiitry we support whole 
herds of editors for no other purpose than to gratify a 
public appetite for direfjil news, and any man wlio can 
foist up a full sounding, hobgoblin story of a plot or 
conspiracy, may command his own price for it. I have 
known two or three of these tales of terror to be bought 
up by government, for the sovereign people to amuse 
themselves withal ; which goes further to prove, what I 
have before asserted, that your enlightened people love to 
be miserable. 

Far be it from me to insinuate, however, that our worthy 
ancestors indulged in groundless alarms 5 on the contrary, 
they were daily suffering a repetition of cruel wrongs, * 
not one of which but was a sufficient reason, according- to 
the maxims of national dignity and honour, for throwing 
the whole universe into hostility and confusion. 

Oh ye powers ! into what indignation did every one of 
these outrages throw the philosophic William ! Letter 
after letter, protest after protest, proclamation after pro- 
clamation, bad l^atin, worse English, and hideous low 
Dutch, were exhausted in vain upon the inexhorable Yan- 
kees ; and the four and twenty letters of the alphabet, 
■which, excepting his companion the sturdy trumpeter Van 
Corlear, composed the only standing army he had at his 

' From amone^ a multitude of bitter grievances still on record, I 
select a few of the most atrocious, and leave my readers to judge, if 
our ancesiors were not justitiable in getting into a very violent 
passion on Uie occasion. 

24 June, 1641. Some of Hartford liave taken a hogg out of the 
vlact, or common, and shut it up out of mere tidte or ottier prejudice, 
causing it to starve for hunger in the sJye. 

26 July. The forementioned English did again drive the Com- 
panies hoggsout of the vlact of isicojoke into Hartlbrd ; contending 
dniiy with reproaclies, blows, beating the people with all disgrace 
that they could imagine. 

May 20, 1642. The English of Hartford have violently cut loose 
a horse of the honoured Companie's, that stood boun upon ttie com- 
mon or vlact. 

May 9, 1643. The Companie's liorse.s pastured upon the Com- 
panie's ground were driven away by them of Connecticut and liart- 
iord, and the iierdsmen lustily beaten with hatchets and sticks. 

16. Again tliey sold a young hogg belonging to tiie Companie, 
which pig.s had pastured on the Companie's land. 

Haz Col. State Pap. 
P 



^58 HISTORY OF 

command, were never off duty throughout the whole of 
his administration. Nor did Anthony, the trumpeter, 
remain a whit behind his patron the gallant Kieft, in his 
fiery zeal •, but like a faithful champion and preserver of 
the public safety, on the arrival of every fresh article of 
news, he was sure to sound his trumpet from the ramparts, 
with most disastrous notes, throwing the people into 
violent alarms, and disturbing their rest at all times and 
seasons ; which caused him to be held in very great regard, 
the public pampering and rewarding him, as we do brawl- 
ing editors, for reasons that have just been mentioned. 

I am well aware of the perils that environ me in this 
part of my history. While raking with curious hands but 
pious heart among the mouldering remains of former days, 
anxious to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I may 
fare somewhat like that valiant woithy Samson who, in 
meddling with the carcass of a dead lion, drew a swarm 
of bees about his ears. Thus while narrating the many 
misdeeds of the Yanokie, or Yankee tribe, it is ten chances 
to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of certain of 
their unreasonable descendants, who may fly out and raise 
such a buzzing about this unlucky head of mine, that I 
shall need the tough hide of an Achilles or an Orlando 
Furioso, to protect me from their stings. 

Should such be the case, 1 should deeply and sincerely 
lament — not my misfortune in giving offence, but the 
wrong-headed perverseness of an ill-natured generation, 
in taking offence at any thing I say. That their ancestors 
did use my ancestors ill it is true, and I am very sorry for 
it. 1 would with all my heart the fact were otherwise j 
but as I am recording the sacred events of history, I'd 
not bate one naiPs breadth of the honest truth, though I 
were sure the whole edition of my work should be bought 
up and burned by the common hangman of Connecticut. 
And, in sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have drawn 
me out, I will make bold to go fuither, and observe, that 
this is one of the grand purposes for which we impartial 
historians are sent into the world — to redress wrongs and 
render justice on t*.ie head of the guilty. So that though 
a powerful nation may wrong its neighbours with tempo- 
rary impunity, yet sooner or later an historian springs up, 
who wreaks ample chastisement on it in return. 

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little thought, I'll 



NEW YORK 159 

warrant it, while they were harrassing the inoflfensive pro- 
vince of Ps'ieuw Nederlandts, and driving its unliappy 
governor to his wits' end, that an historian should ever arsse, 
and give them tlieir own, with interest. Since then I am 
but performnig my bounden duty as an historian, in aveug^ 
iug ihe wrongs of our revered ancestors, I sliall make no 
further apology ; and indeed, when it is considered that I 
have all these ancient borders of the east in my power, 
and at the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be admitted 
1 conduct myself with great humanity and moderation. 

To resume then the course of my history. — Appear- 
ances to the eastward began now to assume a more for- 
midable aspect than ever ; for 1 would have you note that 
hitherto the province had been chiefly molested by its im- 
mediate neighbours, the people of Connecticut, particu- 
larly of Hartford ; which, if we may judge from ancient 
chronicles, was the strong hold of these sturdy moss- 
troopers, from whence they sallied forth on their daring 
incursions, carrying terror and devastation into the barns, 
the hen-roosts, and pigsties of our revered ancestors. 

Albeit about the year 1643 the people of the east coun- 
try, inhabiting the colonies of Massachusets, Connecticut, 
New Plymouth, and New Haven, gathered together into 
a mighty conclave, and after buzzing and debating for 
many days, like a political hive of bees in swarming time, 
at length settled themselves into a formidable confedera- 
tion, under the title of the United Colonies of New Eng- 
land. By this union they pledged themselves to stand by 
one another in all perils and assaults, and to co-operate in 
all measures, oflensive and <lefensive, against the surround- 
ing savages, among which were doubtlessly included our 
honoured ancestors of the Manhattoes •, and, to give more 
strength and system to this confederation, a general as- 
sembly or grand council was to be annually held, com- 
posed of representatives from each of the provinces. 

On receiving accounts of this puissant combination, the 
fiery Wilhelmus was struck with vast consternation, and 
for the first time m his whole life forgot to bounce, at 
hearing an unwelcome piece of intelligence ; which, a 
venerable historian of the times observes, was especially 
noticed among ihesage politicians oi New Amsterdam. The 
truth was, on turning over in his mind all that he had read 
at the Hague, about leagues and combinations, he found 

p 2 



160 ^ HISTORY OF 

that this was an exact imitation of the famous Amphicti- 
onic council, by which the states of Greece were eiiableJ 
to attain such power and supremacy ; and the very idea 
made his heart to quake for the safety of his empire at the 
Manhattoes. 

He strenuously insisted, that the whole object of this 
confederation was to drive the Nederianders out of their 
fair domains ; and always flew into a j^ieat rage if any one 
presumed to doubt the probability of his conjecture. Nor 
was he wholly unwarranted in such a suspicion ; for at the 
very first annual meetinpj of the grand council, held at 
Boston (which governor Kieft denominated the Delphos 
of tins truly classic league), strong representations were 
made against the Nederianders, for as much as that in 
their dealing with the Indians they carried on a traffic iu 
" guns, powther, and shott — a trade damnable and inju- 
rious to the colonists."* Not but what certain of the 
Connecticut traders did likewise dabble a little iu this 
*' damnable traffic," — but then they always sold the In- 
dians such scurvy guns that they burst at the first dis- 
charge — and consequently hurt ho one but these pagan 
savages. 

The rise of this potent confederacy was a death blow to 
the glory of William the Testy, foi- from that day forward, 
It was remarked by many, he never held up his head, but 
appeared qu/'^ crest-fallen. His subsequent reign, there- 
fore, affords but s<"anty food for the historic pen — we find 
the grand council rontinually augmenting in power, and 
threatening to overwhelm the mighty but defenceless pro- 
vince of Nieuw Nederlaudts j while VVilhelmus Kielt kept 
constantly firing off his proclamations and protests like a 
shrewd sea captain firing off so many carrronades and 
swivels, in order to break and disperse a water-spout — 
but, alas ! they had no more effect than if they had been 
so many blank cartridges. 

The last document on record of this learned, philoso- 
phic, but unfortunate little man, is a long letter to the 
council of the Amphyctions ; wherein, in the bitterness of 
his heart, he rails at the people of New Haven, or Red 
Hills, for their uncourttous contempt of his protest level- 
led at them for s(iuatin)g within the province of their high 

Haz. Col. S. Papers. 



NKW YORK. 161 

mightinesses. From this letter, which is a model of epis- 
tolary writing, abounding with pithy apophthegms and 
classic figures, my limits will barely allow me to extract 
the following recondite passage * : — " Certainly when we 
heare the Inhabitants of New Hartford complayninge of 
us, we seem to heare Esop's wolfe complayninge of the 
lamb, or the admonition of the younge man, who crycd out 
to his mother, chideing with her neighboures, ' Oh, Mother, 
revile her, lest she first take up that practice against you.' 
Bui being taught by precedent passages, we received such 
an answer to our protest from ihe inhabitants of New 
Haven as we expected : the Eazle always dcspiscth the 
Beetle-fly ; yet notwithstanding we doe undauntedly con- 
tinue on our purpose of pursuing our own right, by just 
arms and righteous means, and doe hope without scruple 
to execute the express commands of our superiors." To 
show that this last sentence was not a mere empty 
menace, he concluded his letter by intrepidly j)rotesting 
against the whole council, as a horde of squatters and 
interlopers ; inasmuch as they held their meeting at New- 
Haven, or the Red Hiils, which he claimed as being 
within the Province of the New Netherlands. 

Thus end the authenticated chronicles of the reisrn of 

o 

William tl.e Testy •, for henceforth, in the troubles, the 
perplexities, and the confusion of the times, he seems to 
have been totally overlooked, and to have slipped for ever 
through the fingers of scrupulous history. Indeed, for 
some cause or other which 1 cannot divine, there appears 
to have been a combinaiion among historians to sink his 
very name into oblivion ; in consequence of which they 
have one and all forborne even to speak of his exploits. 
This shows how important it is for great men to cultivate 
the favour of the learned, if they are ambitious of honour 
and renown. " Insult not the dervise," said a wise Caliph 
to his son, " lest thou offend thine historian ;" and many 
a mighty man of the olden time, had he observed so obvi- 
ous a maxim, might have escaped diveis cruel wipes of the 
pen which have been drawn across his character. 

It has been a matter of deep concern to me, that such 
darkness and obscurity should hang over the latter days 
of the illustrious Kieft •, for he was a mighty and great 
little man, worthy of being utterly renowned, seeing that he 
was the first potentate that introduced into this land the 

* Vule llaz. Col, Sute i'apeis. 



162 HISTORY OF 

art of fij^htiiig^ by proclamation, and defending a country 
by trumpeters and windmills ; an economic and humane 
mode of warfare, since revived with great applause, and 
which promises, if it can ever be carried in.(o full effect, 
lo save great trouble and treasure, and spare infinitely 
more bloodshed than either the discovery of gunpowder or 
the invention of torpedoes. 

It is true that certain of the early provincial poets, of 
whom there were great numbers in the Nieuw Nederlandts, 
taking the advantage of the mysterious exit of Vv illiam the 
Testy, have fabled that, like Romulus, he was translattd 
to the skies, and forms a very fiery little star, somewhere 
on the left claw of the Crab ; while oth(rs equally fanciful 
declaied that he had experienced a fale similar to that of 
the good King Arthur 5 who, we are assured by ancient 
bards, was carried away to the delicious abodes of fairy 
land, where he still exists, in pristine worth and vigour, 
and will one day or anollicr return to rescue poor old 
England from the hands of paltry, flippant, pettifogging 
cabinets, and restore the gallantry, the honour, and the 
immaculate probity which prevailed in the glorious days 
of the Round Table".* 

All these, however, are but pleasing fantasies, the cobweb 
visions of those dreaming varlets, the poets, to which ] 
would not have my judicious reader attach any credibi- 
lity. Neither am I disposed to yield any credit to the 
assertion of an ancient and rather apocry|>hai historian, 
who alleges that the ingenious VVilhelmus was aniiihilated 
by the blowing down of one of his windmills j nor to that 
of a writer of later times, who affirms that he fell a victim 
to a philosophical experiment, which he had for many 
years been vainly striving to accomplish-, having the mis- 
foitune to break his neck from the garret window of the 
Stadthouse, in an ineffectual attempt to catch swallows, by 
sprinkling fresh salt upon their tails. 

« The old Welsh bards believed that King Arthur was not dead, 
but carried awaie by the faries to some pleasant place, where he shold 
remaine for a time, and then returiie agaiue and reigne iu as'great 
autlioiity as ever. — HoUingshed. 

Tiie Britons suppose tliat he shall come yet and conquere all Bri- 
taiuiie, for certes this is the prophicye of Merlyn. lie say'd that his 
lieth shall he doubteous ; and said sotii, for men tiiereof yet have 
double and shullen for ever more — for men wyt not whether that lie 
ly vcih iJi is dedc. — Du I eew Chrou, 



NEW YORK. 163 

The most probable account, and to which I am inclined 
to give my implicit faith, is contained in a very obscure 
tradition, which declares, that what with the constant 
troubles on his frontiers, the incessant schemings and pro- 
jects going on in his own pericranium — the memorials, 
petitions, remonstrances, and sage pieces of advice from 
divers respectable meetings of the sovereign people, toge- 
ther with the refractory disposition of his council, who 
were sure to differ from him on every point, and uniformly 
to be in the wrong : all these, I say, did eternally operate 
to keep his mind in a kind of furnace heat, until he at 
length became as completely burnt out as a Dutch family 
pipe which has passed through three generations of hard 
smokers. In this manner did the choleric but magnani- 
mous William the Testy undergo a kind of animal com- 
bustion, consuming away like a farthing rush-light 5 so that 
when grim death finally snuffed him out, there was scarce 
left enough of him to bury ! 



ESID OF BOOK FOURTH. 



164 HISTORY or 



BOOK FIFTH. 

CONTAINING THE FIRST PART OF THE RFIGN OF PETER 

STUYVESANT, AND HIS TROUBLES WITH THE AMPHYC- 

TIONIC COUNCIL. 



CHAP. H. 



In which the Death of a great Man is sJietni to he no vert/ 
inconsolable matter of Sorrow ; and how Peter Stuyvesant 
acquired a great Name from the uncommon Strength of 

his Head. 

To a profound philosopher, like myself, who ana apt to 
see clear through a subject, where the penetration of ordi- 
nary people extends but half way, there is no fact more 
simple and manifest, than that the death of a great man 
is a matter of very little importance. Much as we may 
think of ourselves, and much as we may excite tlie empty 
plaudits of the million, it is certain that the greatest among 
us do actually fill but an exceeding small space in the 
world ; and it is equally certain, that even that small space 
is quickly supplied when we leave it vacant. " Of what 
consequence is it," said the elegant Pliny, " that indivi- 
duals appear, or make their exit ? — the world is a theatre 
whose scenes and actors are continually changing." 
Never did philosopher speak more correctly, and 1 oidy 
wonder, that so wise a remaik could have existed so many 
ages, and mankind not have laid it more to heart. Sage 
follows on in tlie footsteps of sage ; one hero just steps out 
of his triumphal car, to make way for the hero who comes 
aft«M- him ; and of the proudest monarch it is merely said, 
that — " he slept with his fathers, and his successors reigned 
in his stead." 

The world, to tell the private truth, cares but little for 
their loss, and if left to itself would soon forget to grieve j 
and though a nation has often been figuratively drowned 
in tears on the death of a great man, yet it is ten chances 
to one if an individual tear has been shed on the occasion, 



NEW YORK. 165 

excepting- from the forlorn pen of some hungry author. 
It is the historian, the bioo-rapher, and tlie poet, who have 
the whole burtlien of §^rief to sustain — who, kind souls ! like 
undertakers in Eng^land, act the part of chief mourners — 
who inflate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge 
it witii tears it never dreamt of shedding. Thus, while 
the patriotic author is weeping and howling, in prose, in 
blank verse, and in rhyme, and collecting the drops of 
))ublic sorrow into his volume, as into a lachrymal vase, it 
is more than probable his fellow-citizens are eating and 
drinking, fiddling and dancing, as utterly ignorant of the 
bitter lamentations made in their name, as are those men 
of straw, John Doe and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for 
whom they are generously pleased on divers occasions to 
become sureties. 

The most glorious and praise-worthy hero that ever de- 
solated nations might have mouldered into oblivion among 
the rubbish of his own monument, did not some historian 
take him into favour, and benevolently transmit his name 
to posterity : and much as the valiant William Kieft wor- 
ried, and bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the desti- 
nies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seriously 
whether he will not be obliged to this authentic history 
for all his future celebrity. 

His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of New 
Amsterdam or its vicinity : the earth trembled not, neither 
did any stars shoot from their spheres — the heavens were 
not shrouded in black, as poets would fain persuade us 
they have been, on the unfortunate death of a hero — the 
rocks (hard-hearted varlets !) melted not into tears, nor 
did the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow ; and as to 
the sun, he laid abed the next night, just as long, and 
showed as jolly a face when he arose, as he ever did oa 
the same day of the mouth in any year, either before or 
since. The good people of New Amsterdam, one and all, 
declared that he had been a very busy, active, bustling 
little governor — that he was, '' the father of his country"— 
that he was " the noblest work of God" — that " he was a 
man, take him for all in all, they never should look upon 
his like again" — together with sundry other civil and affec- 
tionate speeches, that are regularly said on the death of all 
great men ; after which they smoked their pipes, thought 



166 HISTORY or 

no more about him, and Peter Sluyvesant succeeded to his 
station. 

Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the renowned 
Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the best of our ancient 
Dutch orovernors. Wouter having surpassed all who pre- 
ceded him, and Pieter or Piet, as he was sociably called 
by the old Dutch burghers, who were ever prone to fami- 
liarize names, having never been equalled by any suc- 
cessor. Me was in fact the very man fitted by nature to 
retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved province, had 
not the fates, those most potent, immaculate, and unrelent- 
ing of all ancient and immortal spinsters, destined them to 
inextricable confusion. 

To say merely that he was a hero would be doing him 
great injustice — he was in truth a combination of heroes ; 
for he was of a sturdy, raw-boned make, like Ajax Tela- 
mon, so famous for his prowess in belabouring the little 
Trojans — with a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules 
would have given his hide for (meaning his lion's hide), 
when he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load. He was, 
moreover, as Plutarch describes Coriolanus, not only 
teirible for the force of his arm, but likewise of his voice, 
which sounded as though it came out of a barrel ; and like 
the self-same warrior, he possessed a sovereign contempt 
for the sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was 
enough of itself to make the very bowels of his adversaries 
quake with terror and dismay. All this martial excellency 
of appearance was inexpressibly heightened by an acci- 
dental advantage, vrith which I am surprised that neither 
Homer nor Virgil have graced any of their heioes •, ^or it is 
worth all the scars and wounds in the Iliad and Eneid, or 
Lucan's Pharsalia into the bargain. This was nothing 
icss than a redoubtable wooden leg, which was the only 
prize he had gained, in bravely fighting the battles of his 
country; but of which he was so proud that he was often 
heard to declare he valued it more than all his other limbs 
put together ; indeed so highly did he esteem il, that he 
had it gallantly enchased and relieved with silver devices, 
which v^used it to be related in divers histories and legends 
tliat he wore a silver leg.* 

* See the Histories of Masters Josseiyn anu Bicme. 



NEW YORK. 167 

Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was somewhat 
subject to extempore bursts of passion, which were oft- 
times rather unpleasant to his favourites and attendants, 
whose perceptions he was apl to quicken, after the manner 
of his illustrious imitator, Peter the Gieat, by anointings 
their shoulders with his walking stafF. 

But the resemblance for which 1 most value him was 
that which he bore in many particulars to the renowned 
Charlemagne. Though 1 cannot find that he had read 
Plato, or Aristotle, or Hobbcs, or Bacon, or Algernon 
Sydney, or Tom Paine ; yet did he sometimes manifest a 
shrewdness and sagacity in his measures, that one would 
hardly expect from a man who did not know Greek, and 
had never studied the ancients. True it is, and 1 confess 
it with sorrow, that he had an unreasonable aversion (o ex- 
periments, and was fond of governing his province after 
the simplest manner ; but then he contrived to keep it in 
better order than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all 
the philosophers, ancient and modern, to assist and per- 
plex him. 1 must likewise own that he made but very 
few laws, but then again he took care that those few were 
rigidly and impartially enforced ; and I do not know but 
justice on the whole was as well administered as if there 
had been volumes of sage acts and statutes yearly made, and 
daily neglected and forgotten. 

He was, in fact, the very reverse of his predecessors, 
being neither tranquil and inert, like Walter the Doubter, 
nor restless and fidgetting, like William the Testy : but a 
man, or rather a governor, of such uncommon activity and 
decision of mind, that he never sought or accepted the 
advice of others ; depending confidently upon his single 
head, as did the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to 
work his way through all difficulties and dangers. To 
tell the simple truth, he wanted no other requisite for a 
perfect statesman than to think always right, for no one 
can deny that he always acted as he thought ; and if he 
wanted in correctness, he made up for it in perseverance — 
an excellent quality ! since it is surely more dignified for 
a ruler to l>e persevering and consistent in eiror, than 
wavering and contradictory in endeavouring to do what is 
right : this much is certain, and it is a maxim worthy the 
attention of all legislators, both great and small, who 
stand shaking in the wind, without knowing which way 



168 HISTOIiY OF 

to steer. A ru!er who acts according to his own will is 
sure of pleasing himself; wliile he wlu) seeks to satisfy the 
wishes and whims of others, runs a great risk of pleasing 
nobody. The clock that stands still, and points stedfastly 
in one direction, is certain being right twice in the four 
and twenty hours ; while others may keep going continu- 
ally, and continually be going wrong. 

Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the discern- 
. ent of the good people of Meuw Tsederlandts ; on the 
contrary, so high an opinion had they of the independent 
mind and vigorous intellects of their new governor, that 
they universally called him Hard-koppig Piet, or Peter 
THE Headstrong — a great compliment to his under 
standing ! 

If from all that I have said thou dost not gather, 
worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough, sturdy, 
valiant, weather-beaten, mettlesome, obstinate, leathern- 
sided, lion-hearted, generous-spirited old governor, either 
I have written to but very little purpose, or thou art very 
dull at drawing conclusions. 

This most excellent governor, whose character I have 
thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced his admi- 
nistration on the 29lh of May, 1647 ; a remarkable 
stormy day, distinguished in all the almanaks of the time 
which have come down to us, by tlie name of Windy 
Friday. As he was very jealous of his personal and 
official dignity, he was inaugurated into office with great 
ceremony ; the goodly oaken chair of ti:e lenowned 
Wouter Van Twiller being carefully preserved for such 
occasions, in like manner as the cl:air and stoue were reve- 
rentially preserved at Scone in Scotland, lor the coronation 
of the Caledonian manarchs. 

I must not omit to mention, that the tempestuous state 
of the elements, together with its being that unlucky day 
of the week, termed " hanging day," did not fail to excite 
much grave speculation, and divers very reasonable appre- 
hensions among the more ancient and enlightened inhabi- 
tants ; and several of tlie sager sex, who were reputed to 
be not a little skilled in the mysteries of astrology and for- 
tune telling, dnl declare outright, tint they weie omens of 
a disastrous administration — an event that came to be 
lamentably verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, 
the wisi'.om of attending to those preternatural intiniaiious> 



NEW YORK 169 

'urnislied by dreams and visions, the flying of birds, ftili- 
ing of stones, and cackling of geese ; on which the sages 
and rulers of ancient times placed such reliance •, or to 
those shootings of stars, eclipses of the moon, bowlings of 
dogs, and flarings of candles, carefully noted and inter 
preted by the oracular sibyls of uur day ; who, in my 
humble opinion, are the legitimate inheritors and pre- 
servers of the ancient science of divination. This much is 
certain, that Govenor Stuyvesant succeeded to the chair of 
state at a turbulent period ; when foes thronged and 
threatened from without ; when anarchy and stiff-necked 
opposition reigned rampant witiiin ; when the authority of 
their high mightinesses the lords states-general, though 
founded on the broad Dutch bottom of unoflending imbe. 
cility ; though supported by economy, and defended by 
speeches, protests, proclamations — yet tottered to its very 
centre ; and when the great city of New Amsterdam, though 
fortified by flag-staft's, trumpeters, and windmills, seemed, 
like some fair lady of easy virtue, to lay open to attack, 
and ready to yield to the first invader. 

CHAP. II. 

Showing how Pet&i the Headstrong bestirred himself 

among the Rats and Cohwehs on entering into Office; 

and the perilous mistake he was guilty ofy in his 

dealings with the Amphyctions. 

The very first movements of the great Peter, on taking 
the reins of government, displayed the magnanimity of his 
mind, though they occasioned not a little marvel and un- 
easiness among the people of the Manhattoes. Fmding 
himself constantly interrupted by the opposition, and 
annoyed by the sage advice of his privy council, the mem- 
bers of which had acquired the unreasonable habit of 
thinking and speaking for themselves during the preceding 
reign, he determined at once to put a stop to such griev 
ous abominations. Scarcely, therefore, had he entered 
upon his authority, than he turned out of office all those 
meddlesome spirits that composed the factious cabinet of 
William the Testy, in place of whom he chose unto him- 



170 



HISTORY OF 



self counsellors from those fat, somniferous, respectable 
families, that had flourished and slumbered under the easy 
reign of Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to be 
furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to be 
regaled with frequent corporation dinners, admonishing 
them to smoke, and eat, and sleep, for the good of the 
nation, while he took all the burden of government upon 
his own shoulders — an arrangement to which they all gave 
hearty acquiescence. 

Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout among 
the inventions and expedients of his learned predecessor — 
demolishing his flag-staft's and windmills, which, like 
mighty giants, guarded the ramparts of New Amsterdam 
--pitching to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker guns 
— rooting up his patent galluws, where caitiff" vagabunds 
were suspended by the waistband ; and in a word, turning 
topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, economic, and wind- 
mill system of the immortal sage of Saaidam. 

The honest folk of New Amsterdam began to quake 
now for the fate of their matchless champion Anthony the 
trumpeter, who had acquired prodigious favour in the eyes 
of the women, by means of his whiskers and his trumpet. 
Him did Peter the Headstrong cause to be brought into 
his presence, and eyeing him for a moment from head to 
foot, with a countenance that would have appalled any 
thjng else than a sounder of brass : " Prythee, who and 
what art thou ?" said he. " Sire," replied the other, in 
no wise dismayed 5. " for my name, it is Anthony Van 
Corlear — for my parentage, I am tlie son of my mother— 
for my profession, I am champion and garrison of this 
great city of New Amsterdam." " I doubt me much," 
said Peter Stuyvesant, " that thou art some scurvy costard- 
monger knave — how didst thou acquire this paramount 
honour and dignity ?" — " Marry, Sw," replied the other, 
*' like many a great man before me, simply by sounding 
viy own trumpet.'''' — " Ay, is it so ?" quoth the governor, 
" why then let us have a relish of thy art." Whereupon 
he put his instrument to his lips, and sounded a charge, 
with such a tremendous outset, such a delectable quiver, 
and such a triumphant cadence, that it was enough to 
make your heart leap out of your mouth only to be within 
a mile of it Like as a war-worn charger, while sporting 
in peaceful platns, if by chance lie hear the strains of mar- 



NEW YORK. 171 

t"al music, pricks up his ears, and snorts and paws, and 
kindles at the noise : so did the heroic soul of the mighty 
Peter joy to hear the clangour of the trumpet ; for of him 
might truly be said what was recorded of the renowntd 
St. George of England — " there was nothing in all the 
world that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear the 
pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers brandish forth 
their steeled weapons." Casting his eyes more kindly, 
therefore, upon the sturdy Van Corlear, and finding him to 
be a jolly, fat little man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of 
great discretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway 
conceived a vast kindness for him, and discharging him 
from the troublesome duty of garrisoning, and defending, 
and alarming the city, ever after retaining him about his 
person, as his chief favourite, contidential envoy, and trusty 
squire. Instead of disturbing the city with disastrous 
notes, he was instructed to play so as to delight the 
governor while at his repasts, as did the minstrels of yore 
in the days of glorious chivalry — and on all public occa- 
sions to rejoice the ears of the people with warlike melody ; 
thereby keeping alive a noble and martial spirit. 

Many other alterations and reformations, both for the 
better and for the worse, did the governor make, of which 
my time will not serve me to record the particulars j 
suffice it to say, he soon contrived to make the province 
feel that he was its master, and treated the sovereign people 
with such tyranhical rigour, that they were all fain to hold 
their tongues, stay at home, and attend to their business ; 
insomuch that party feuds and distinctions were almost 
forgotten, and many thriving keepers of taverns and dram- 
shops were utterly ruine<l for want of bnsiness. 

Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this time 
demanded the utmost vigilance and promptitude. The 
formidable council of the Amphyctions, which had caused 
so much tribulation to the unfortunate Kieft, still continued 
augmenting its forces, and threatened to link within its 
uidon all the mighty principalities and powers of the east. 
In the very year following the inauguration of Governor 
Sluyvesant, a grand deputation departed from the city of 
Providence (famous for its dusty streets and beauteous 
women), in behalf of the puissant plantation of Rhode 
Island, praying to be admitted into the league. 

Q2 



172 HISTORY OF 

The following mention is made of this application in 
certain records of that assemblage of worthies, which are 
slill extant*. 

" Mr. Will Cottington and Captain Purtridg of Rhoode 
Hand presented this insewing request to the commissioners 
in wrightitig 

" Our request and motion is in behalfeof Rhoode Hand, 
that wee the I landers of Rhoode Hand may be rescauied 
into combination with all the united colonyes of New- 
England in a firme and peipetuall league of friendship 
and amity of ofence and defence, mutuall advice and succor 
upon all just occasiouiti for our mutuall safety and welU 
faire, &c. 

«' Will Cottington, 

" Alicxsaiuier Partridg." 

There is certainly something in the very physiognomy 
of this document, that might well inspire apprehension. 
The name of Alexander, however mis-spelt, has been 
war-liiie in every age ; and thougii its tierceness is in 
some measure soitened by being coupled with the gentle 
cognomen of Partridge j still, like tlie colour of scarlet, it 
beais an exceeding great resemblance to the sound of a 
trumpet. From tlie s(ylc of the letter, moreover, and the 
soldier-like ignorance of orthography displayed by the noble 
captain, Alicxbander Partridg, in spelhng his own name, 
we may picture to oursehes> this mighty man of Rhodes, 
like a second Ajax, strong in arms, potent in the field, 
and as great a scholar as though he had been educated 
amoug that learned people of Thrace, who, Aristotle assures 
us, could not count beyond the number four. 

But whatever might be the threatening aspect of this 
famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant was not a man to 
be kept in a i;tate of incertitude and vague apprehension ; 
he liked nothing so much as to meet danger tii.ce to face, 
and take it by the beard. Determined, therefore, to puj 
an end to ail tliese petty maraudings on the borders, he 
wrote two. or three categorical letters to tlie grand council; 
which, tnough neither couched ui bad Latin, nor yet graced 

• Haz. Col. Stilt. Pap, 



NEW YORK. 173 

by rhetorical tropes about wolves and lambs, and beetle- 
flies, yet had more effect than all the elaborate epistles, 
protests, and proclamations of his learned predecessor put 
together. In consequence of his urg^ent propositions, the 
great confederacy of the east agreed to enter into a final 
adjustment of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to 
the end that a perpetual and happy peace might take place 
between the two powers. For this purpose Governor 
Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors to negociate with 
commissioners from the grand council of the league, and a 
treaty was solemnly concluded at Hartford. On receiving 
the intelligence of this event, the whole community was 
in an uproar of exultation. The trumpet of the sturdy 
Van Corlear sounded all day with joyful clangour from 
the ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city 
was magnificently illuminated with two bundled and fifty 
tallow candles 5 besides a barrel of tar, which was burned 
before the governor's house, on the cheering aspect of 
public afli'airs. 

And now my worthy reader is, doubtless, like the great 
and good Peter, congratulating himself with the idea, that 
his feelings will no longer be molested by afflicting details 
of stolen horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all 
the other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties, that dis- 
giaced these border wars. But if he should indulge in 
such expectations, it is a proof that he is but little versed 
in the paradoxical ways of cabinets ; to convince him of 
which, 1 solicit his serious attention to my next chapter, 
wherein I will shew that Peter Stuyvesant has already 
committed a great error in politics ; and by effecting a 
peace, has materially jeopardized the tranquillity of the 
provuice 



174 HISTORY OF 



CHAP. III. 

(Containing various Spccidationx on War .and Negocia- 
tions — shewing that a Treah/of Peace is a great national 

Evil. 

It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher, Lucre- 
tius, that war was the original state of man ; whom lie de- 
scribed as being primitively a savage beast of prey, engaged 
in a constant state of hostility wilh his own species, and 
that this ferocious spirit was tamed and ameliorated by 
society. The same opinion has been advocated by the 
learned Hobbes*, nor have there been wanting many other 
philosophers to admit and defend it. 

For my part, though prodigiously fond of these valuable 
speculations, so complimentary to human nature, yet, in 
this instance, I am inclined to take the proposit'ion by 
halves, believing with Horace-|-, that though war may 
have been originally the favourite amusement and indus- 
trious employment of our progenitors j yet, like many 
other excellent habits, so far from being ameliorated, it 
has been cultivated and confirmed by refinement and civi- 
lization, and increases in exact proportion as we approach 
towaids that state of perfection, which is the ne plus ultra 
of modern philosophy. 

The first conflict between man and man was the mere 
exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary weapons 
—his arm was his buckler, his fist was his mace, and a 
broken head the catastrophe of his encounters. The battle 
of unassisted strength was succeeded by the more rugged 
ones of stones and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary 
aspect. As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties 
expanded, and his sensibilities became more exquisite, he 
grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced in the art if 
murdering his fellow beings. He invented a thousand 
devices to defend and to assault — the helmet, the cuirass 

• Hobbes' Leviathan, part i, chap. 13. 

t Cum prorepserunt primis animalia lerris, 

Miitiim ac tuipe pecus. glaiidem atque tubilia piopter, 
Ciii^uibiis et pii^^uis, deiu f'u:«tibus, atque ita pui lo 
Tuguabaut arniis, qua; post I'abricaverat iisus. 

Hor. Sat. L. i. S. 3 



NEW YORK. 175 

and the buckler, the sword, the dart, and ihe javelin, pre- 
pared him to elude the wound, as well as to launch the 
blow. Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic 
career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his powers, 
of defence and injury. — ^The aries, the scorpio, the balista, 
and the catapulta, give a horror and sublimity to war ; 
and magnify its glory, by increasing its desolation. Still 
insatiable, though armed with machinery that seemed to 
reach the limits of destructive invention, and to yield a 
power of injury, commensurate even with the desires of 
revenge — still deeper researches must be made in the 
diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives into the 
bowels of the earth; he toils midst poisonous minerals 
and deadly salts — the sublime discovery of gunpowder 
blazes upon the world — and, finally, the dreadful art of 
fighting by proclamation seems to endow the demon of war 
with ubiquity and omnipotence! 

This, indeed, is grand I — this, indeed, marks the powers 
of mind, and bespeaks that divine endowment of reason, 
which distinguishes us from the animals, our inferiors. 
The vmenlightened brutes content themselves with the 
native force which Providence has assigned them. The 
angry bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors 
before him — the lion, the leopard, and the tyger, seek only 
vvith their talons and their fangs to gratify their sanguinary 
fury ; and even tlie subtle serpent darts the same venom, 
and uses the same wiles, as did his sire before the flood. 
Man alone, blessed with the inventive mind, goes on from 
discovery to discovery — enlarges and multiplies his powers 
of destruction; arrogates the tremendous weapons of Deity 
itself, and tasks creation to assist him in murdering his 
brother worm ! 

In proportion as the art of war has increased in im- 
provement, has the art of preserving peace advanced in 
equal ratio ; and as we have discovered, in this age of 
wonders and inventions, that proclamation is the most 
formidable engine in war, so have we discovered the no 
less ingenious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual 
negociations. 

A treaty, or to speak more correctly, a negociation, 
therefore, according to the acceptation of experienced 
statesmen, learned in these matters, is no longer an at- 
ti^mpt to accommodate differences, to ascertain rights, an<i 



176 HISTORY OF 

to establish an equitable exchange of kind offices ; but a 
contest of skill between two powers, which shall over-reach 
and take in the other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain 
by peaceful manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets, 
those advantages, which a nation would otherwise have 
wrested by force of arms. In the same manner that a con- 
scientious highwayman reforms, and becomes an excellent 
and praiseworthy citizen, contenting himself with cheating 
his neighbour out of that property he would formerly 
have seized with open violence. 

In fact, the only time when two nations can be said to 
be in a state of perfect amity, is when a negociation is 
open, and a treaty pending. Then, as there are no stipu- 
lations entered into, no bonds to restrain the will, no 
specific limits to awaken that captious jealousy of right 
implanted in our nature, as each party has some advantage 
to hope and expect from the other — then it is that the two 
nations are so gracious and friendly to each other ; their 
ministers professing the highest mutual regard, exchanging 
billets-doux, making fine speeches, and indulging in all 
those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries, and fondlings, 
that do so marvellously tickle the good humour of the 
respective nations. Thus it may paradoxically be said, 
that there is never so good an understanding between two 
nations, as when there is a little misunderstanding ; and 
that so long as they are on no terms, they are on the best 
terms in the world. 

I do not by any means pretend to claim the merit of 
having made the above political discovery. It has in fact 
long been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened cabi- 
nets, and is, together with divers other notable theories, 
privately copied out of the common-place book of an illus- 
trious gentleman, who has been member of congress, and 
enjoyed the unlimited confidence of heads of department. 
To this principle may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity 
that has been shown of late years in protracting and 
interrupting negociations. Hence the cunning measure of 
appointing as ambassador some political pettifogger skilled 
in delays, sophisms, and misapprehensions, and dexterous 
in the art of baffling argument ; or some blundering states- 
man, wliose errors and misconstructions may be a plea for 
refusing to ratify his engagements. And hence, too, that 
inost notable expedient, so popular with our government. 



NEW YORK. 177 

of sending^ out a brace of ambassadors ; who having each 
an iiidiviiiual will to consult, character to establish, and 
interest to promote, jou may as well look for unanimity 
and concord between two lovers with cue mistress, two 
dogs with one bone, or two naked rogues with one pair 
of breeches. Tiiiy disagreement, therefore, is continually 
breeding delays and impediments, inconsequence of which 
the neg(.'ciation goes on swimmingly, Inasmuch as there 
is no prospect of its ever coming to a close. Nothing 
is lost by these delays and obstacles but time ; and in a 
negociation, according to the theory I have exposed, 
all time lost is in reality so much time gained : — with, 
what delightful paradoxes does modein political econcmy 
abound ! 

Now all that 1 have here advanced is so notoriously true^ 
that I almost blush to tiike up the time of my readers, 
with treating of matters which must many a time have 
stared them in the face. But the proposition to which I 
would most earnestly call their attention is this, that 
though a negociation be the most harmonizing of all 
national transactions, yet a treaty of peace is a great 
political evil, and one of the most fruitful sources of war. 

I have rarely seen an instance of any special contract 
between individuals, that did not produce jealousies, 
bickerings, and often downright ruptures between them; 
nor did 1 ever know of a treaty between two nations that 
did not occasion continual misunderstandings. How many 
worthy country neighboui-s have I known, who, after 
living in peace and good fellowship for years, have been 
thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling, and animosity, 
by some ill-starred agreement about fences, runs of water, 
and stray catlde. And how many well meaning nations, 
who would otherwise have remained in the most amicable 
disposition towards each other, have been brought to 
swords' points about the infi ingement or misconstruction 
of some treaty, which in an evil hour they had concluded 
by way of making their amity more sure. 

Treaties at best are but complied with so long as interest 

requires their fulfilment; consequently, they are virtually 

binding on the weaker party only, or in plain truth, they 

are not binding at all. No nation will wantonly go to 

•var with anothei-, if it has nothing to gain thereby, an^l 

litrtfure needs no treaty to reotrain it from violence ; and 



HISTORY OF 



if it have any thing to gain, I much question, from what 
1 have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations, 
whether any treaty could be made so strong that it could 
not thrust the sword tlirough ; nay, 1 would hold ten to 
one, the treaty itself would be the very source to which 
resort would be had to find a pretext for hostilities. 

Thus, therefore, 1 conclude, that though it is the best of 
all policies for a nation to keep up a constant negociation 
with its neighbours, yet it is the summit of folly, for 
it ever to be beguiled into a treaty ; for then comes on 
the non-fultilment and infraction — then remonstrance, then 
altercation, then retaliation, then recrimination, and, 
finally, open war. In a word, negociation is like court- 
ship, a time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft looks, 
and endearing caresses, but the marriage ceremony is the 
signal for hostilities 



CHAP. IV. 



How Peter Stuyvesant was greatly belied by his Adver- 
saries the Moss Troopers — and his Conduct thereupon. 

Ik my pains-taking reader be not somewhat perplexed, 
in the course of the ratiocination of my last chapter, he 
will doubtless at one glance perceive, that the great Peter, 
in concluding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was 
guilty of a lamentable error and heteroxody in politics. 
To this unlucky agreement may justly be asciibed a 
world of little infringements, altercations, negociations, 
and bickerings, which afterwards look place between the 
irreproachable Stuyvesant, and the evil-disposed council 
of Amphyctions, All these did not a little disturb the 
constitutional serenity of the good burghers of Mannahata; 
but in sooth they were so very pitiful in their nature and 
effects, that a grave historian, who grudges the time spent 
in any thing less than recording the fall of empires, and 
the revolution of worlds, would think them unworthy to 
be inscribed on his sacred page. 

The reader is therefore to take it for granted, thoug'i I 
scorn to waste in the detail that time which my furrowed 
brow and trembling hand infoitn me is invaluable, that all 



NEW YORK. 179 

the while the ^reat Peter was occupied in those tremen- 
dous and bloody contests that I shall shortly rehearse, there 
was a continued series of little, dirty, snivelling skirmishes, 
scourings, broils, and maraudings made on the eastern 
frontiers, by the moss-troopers of Connecticut. But like 
that mirror of chivalry, the sage and valorous Don Quixote, 
I leave these petty contests for some futuie Sancho Pan<;a 
of a historian, while I reserve my prowess and my pen for 
achievements of higher dignity. 

Now did the great Peter conclude, that his labours had 
come to a close in the east, and that he had nothing to do 
but apply himself to the internal prosperity of his beloved 
Manhattoes. Though a man of great modesty, he couhl 
not help boasting that he had at length shut the temple of 
Janus ; and that, were all rulers like a certain person who 
should be nameless, it would never be opened again. But 
the exultation of the worthy governor was put to a speedy 
check ; for scarce was the treaty concluded, and hardly 
was the ink dried on the paper, before the crafty and dis- 
courteous council of the league sought a new pretence for 
re-illuming the flames of discoi'd. 

It seems to be the nature of confederacies, republics, 
and such like powers, that want the true masculine cha- 
racter, to indulge exceedingly in certain feminine panics 
and suspicions. Like some good lady of delicate and 
sickly virtue, who is in constant dread of having her 
vestal purity contaminated or seduced; and who, if a man 
do but take her by the hand, or look her in the face, is 
ready to cry out, rape! and ruin! — so these squeamish 
governments are perpetually on the alarm for the vn"tue 
of the country — every manly measure is a violation of the 
constitution — every monarchy or other masculine govern- 
ment around them is laying snares for their seduction 5 and 
they are for ever detecting infernal plots, by which they 
were to be betrayed, dishonoured, and " brought upon the 
town." 

If any proof were wanting of the truth of these opinions, 
I would instance the conduct of a certain republic of our 
day, who, good dame, has already withstood so many plots 
and conspiracies against her virtue, and has so often come 
near being made " no better than she should be." I 
would notice her constant jealousies of poor old Eno-land, 
who, by her own account, has been incessantly trying to 



180 HisTouY or 

sap her hosiour, thoug,h, from my kouI, I never could 
believe the honest old gentleman meant her any rudeness. 
Whereas, on tl:e contrary, I think 1 have several times 
caught her sq';u czinaj hands, and indulfringf in certain amo- 
rous oglings with that sad fellow Buonaparte, who all the 
■world knows to be a great despoiler of national virtue, to 
have ruined all the empires in his neighbourhood, and to 
have debauched every republic that came in his way ; but 
so it is, these rakes seem always to gain singular favour 
with the ladies. 

But I crave pardon of my reader for thus wandering, 
and will endeavour, in some measure, to apply the forgo- 
ing remarks •, for, in the year 1651, we are told that the 
great confederacy of the east accused the immaculate 
Peter (the soul of honour and heart of steel), that, by 
divers gifts and promises, he had been secretly endeavour- 
ing to instigate the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset), Mo- 
haque, and Pequol Indians, to surprise tind massacre the 
Yankee settlements. " For," as the council slanderously 
observed, " the Indians round about for divers hundred 
miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of an intoxica- 
ting cupp, att or from the Manhaloes against the English, 
whoe have sought their good both in bodily and spiritual! 
respects."" 

History does not make mention how the great council 
of the Amphyctions came by this precious plot : whether 
it were honestly brought at a fair market price, or disco- 
vered by sheer good fortune. It is certain, however, that 
they examined divers Indians, who all swore to the fact 
as sturdily as though they had been so many Christian 
troopers : and to be more sure of their veracity, the sage 
council previously made every mother's son of them 
devoutly drunk, remembering an old and trite proverb, 
which it is not necessary for me to repeat. 

Though descended from a family which suffered much 
injury from the losel Yankees of those times, my great 
grandfather having had a yoke of oxen and his best pacer 
stolen, and having received a pair of black eyes and a 
bloody nose in one of these border wars ; and my grand- 
father, when a very little boy tending pigs, having been 
kidnapped and severely flogged by a long-sided Connec- 
ticut schoohnaster ; yet I should have passed over all these 
wrongs with fwr;^iveness and oblivion :— -1 could even 



Nfc\V \ollK. ]«1 

have suffered them to ha\e broken Eveit Duckinu's head, 
to have kicked the doiis^hty Jacobus Van Curlet and his 
ragged regiment out oi" doors, carried every hog int»» cap- 
tivity, and depopulated every hen-roost on the face of 
the earth with perfect impunity j l)ut this wanton attack 
upon one of the most gallant and irreproachable heroes of 
modern times is too much even for me to digest, and has 
overset, with a single puff, the patience of the historian, 
and the forbearance of the Dutchman. 

Oh reader, it was false — I swear to thee, it was false ! 
— If thou hast any respect for my word, — if the undevia- 
ting character for veracity which 1 have endeavoured to 
maintain throughout tliis work, has its due weight with 
thee, thou wilt not give thy faith to this tale of slander ; 
for I pledge my honour and my immortal fame to thee, 
that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant was not only innocent 
of this foul conspiracy, but would have suffered his righi 
arm, or even his wooden leg, to consume with slow and 
everlasting flames, rather than attempt to destroy his 
enemies in any other way than open, generous warfare. 
Beshrew those caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his 
nonest name by such an imputation ! 

Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never heard 
of a Knight Errant, yet had he as true a heart of chivalry 
as ever beat at the round table of King Arthur. There 
was a spirit of native gallantry, a noble and generous 
hardihood, diffused through his rugged manners, which 
altogether gave unquestionable tokens of an heroic mind. 
He was, in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand 
of Nature at a single heat ; and though she had taken uo 
further care to polish and refine her workmanship, he stood 
forth a nnracle of her skill. 

But not to be figurative (a fault in historic writing, 
winch 1 particularly eschew), th"fe great Peter possessed, 
in an eminent degree, the seven renowned and noble 
virtues of knighthood, which, as he had never consulted 
iiiuthors in the disciplining and cultivating of his mind, I 
verily believe must have been implanted in a corner of his 
heart by dame Nature herself — where they flourished 
among his hardy qualities, like so many sweet wild 
flowers, shooting forth and thriving with redundant luxu- 
riance among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind of 
Peter the Headstrong, and if my admiration for it has, on 

R 



182 HISTORY OF 

this occasion, transported my style beyond the sober 
gravity which becomes the laborious scribe of historic 
events, 1 can plead as an apology, that thoit^^h a little, 
grey headed Dutchman, arrived almost at the bottom of 
the down-hill of life, I still retain some portion of that 
celestial fire, which sparkles in the eyes of youth, when 
contemplating the virtues and achievemewts of ancient 
worthies. Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed be the 
good St. Nicholas — that I have escaped the influence of 
that chilling apathy, which too often freezes the sympathies 
of age j which, like a churlish spirit, sits at the portals of 
the heai't, repulsing every genial sentiment, and paralyzing 
every spontaneous glow of enthusiasm. 

No sooner then did this scoundrel imputation on his 
honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant, than he pro- 
ceeded in a manner which would have redounded to his 
credit, even though he had studied for years in the library 
of Don Quixote himself. He immediately despatched 
his valiant tiumpeter and squire, Anthony Van Corlear, 
with orders to ride night and day, as herald, to the Am- 
phyctionic council, reproaching them in terms of noble 
indignation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen in- 
fidels, against the character of a Christian, a gentleman, 
and a soldier — and declaring, that as to the treacherous 
and bloody plot alleged against him, whoever aflirmed it 
to be true, lied in his teeth ! — to prove which, he defied 
the president of the council and all of his compeers, or if 
they pleased, their puissant champion. Captain Alexander 
Partridg, that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in a 
single combat, where he would trust the vindication of his 
innocence to the prowess of his arm. 

This challenge being delivered with due ceremony 
Anthony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of defiance 
before the whole council, eniiing with a most horrific 
and nasal twang, full in the face of Captain Partridg, 
who almost jumped out of his skin in an ecstacy of asto- 
nishment at the noise. This done, he mounted a tall 
Flanders mare, which he always rode, and trotted merrily 
towards the Manhattoes — passing through Hartford, and 
Pyquag, and Middletown, and all the other border towns 
— twanging his trumpet like a, very devil, so that the 
sweet valleys and banks of the Connecticut resounded 
•vith the warlike melody — ? *i stopping occasionally to eat 



NEW YORK. 183 

pumi)kin pies, dance at country frolics, and bundle vitli 
the beauteous lasses of those parts, whom he i-ejoiced 
exceedingly with his soul-stirring instrument. 

But the grand council being composed of considerate 
men, had no idea of running a tilting with such a fiery 
hero as the hardy Peter — on the contrary they sent him 
an answer, couched in the meekest, the most mild, and 
provoking terms ; in which they assured him that his guilt 
was proved to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony 
of divers sober and respectable Indians, and concluding 
with this truly amiable paragraph : — " For youre confi- 
dant denialls of the Barbarous plott charged will waigh 
little in balance against such evidence, soe that we must 
still require and seeke due satisfaction and cecuritie) soe 
we rest, ' 

« Sir, 
" Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c." 

1 am aware that the above transaction has been difier- 
«ntly recorded by certain historians of the east, and else- 
where j who seem to have inherited the bitter enmity of 
their ancestors to the biave Peter — and much good may 
their inheritance do them. These declare, that Peter 
Stuyvcsant requested to have the charges against him 
inquired into, by cummissioners to be appointed for the 
purpose ; and yet that when such commissioners were 
appointed, he refused to submit to their examination. In 
this artful account there is but the semblance of truth ; he 
did, indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he found a 
deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to submit his con- 
duct to the rigorous inspection of a court of honour — but 
then he expected to find it an august tribunal, composed 
of courteous gentlemen, the governors and nobility of the 
confederate plantations, and of tl>e province of New Ne- 
therlands ; where he might be tried by his peers, in a 
manner worthy of his rank and dignity — whereas, let me 
perish, if they did not send to the Manhattoes two lean- 
sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset 
pacers, with saddle bags under the bottoms, and green 
satchels under their arms, as though they were about to 
beat the hoof from one country court to another in seaich 
fa law-suit. 

R 2 



'84 IIIST09V OP 

The chivalric Peter, as might be expected, took no 
no .ce of these cunning va.lets ; who, with pJofession^ 

parte ev.dencej perplexing divers simple Indians and old 

IZT' "h ''f '^'"'" "T q»««^io"i°^> ""til they had contra- 
dicted and forswore themselves most horribly, as is too 
often done in our courts of justice. Thus havi^ig fulfilled 
their errand to their own satisfaction, they returiud to the 
grand council with their satchels and saddle bags slufj^ed 
.^iL '''".^•"""^ rumours, apocryphal stories, and out- 
cafe a' .^-If '"'»"'^--f-'- -» «'Wch the great Peter did not 
caie a tobacco stopper ; but, I warrant me, had thev 

TestT ri " ""l^f ^'^ '''^™^ ^'•'^•'^ "P«" William the 
Testy, he would have treated them both to an aerial 
gambol on his patent gallows. 

. The grand council of the east held a very solemn meet 
ing on the return of their envoys, and afte, thevZd non 
dered a lo»g time on the situation of affairs were upon 

any liung At this critical moment one of these meddle 
some, HKlefatigable spirits, who endeavour to est^>n.1 t 

calumniating all his opponents : he, I say, conSi vecl his 
a ht opportunity to strike a blow thit ^lm„M t! , 

Christendom, excepti.ig the Scotch horde nobles Like 



NEW YORK. 185 

not, like themselves, for the enjoyment of liberty of con- 
science — who, in short, were a race of mere cannabals and 
antlnopophagi, inasmuch as they never eat cod fish on 
Saturdays, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and 
held pumpkins in utter contempt. 

This speech had the desired effect ; for the council, be- 
ing awakened by the serjeant-at-arms, rubbed theii* eyes, 
and declared that it was just and politic to declare instant 
war against these unchristian antipumpkinites. But it was 
necessary that the people at large should first be prepared 
for this measure, and for this purpose the arguments of 
the orator were preached from the pulpit for several Sun- 
days subsequent, and earnestly recommended to the con- 
sideration of every good Christian, who professed as well 
as practised, the doctrine of meekness, charity, and the 
forgiveness of injuries. This is the first time we hear of 
the *' Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political recruits 
in our country ; and it proved of such signal efficacy that 
it has since been called into frequent service throughout 
our Union. A cunning politician is often found skulking 
under the clerical robe, with an outside all religion, and 
an inside all political rancour. Things spiritual and 
things temporal are strangely jumbled together, like poisons 
and antidotes on an apothecary's shelf ; and instead of a 
devout sermon, the simple church-going folk have often a 
political pamphlet thrust down their throats, labelled with 
a pious text from Suripture. 

CHAP. V. 

How the New-Amsterdammers became great in arms, 
and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty Army — toge- 
ther with Peter StuyvesanVs measure to fortify the City 
—and how he was the original Founder of the Battery. 

But notwithstanding that the grand council, as I have 
already shown, were amazingly discreet in their proceed- 
ings respecting the New Netherlands, and conducted the 
whole with almost as much silence and mystery as does 
the sage British cabinet one of its ill-starred secret expedi- 
tions— yat did the ever-watchful Peter receive as full and 



186 ?5lISTORV CI? 

accurate information of every movement as does the court 
of France of all the notable enterprises 1 have mentioned. 
•—He accordingly set himself to work, to render the ma- 
chinations of his bitter adversaries abortive. 

I know that many will censure the precipitation of this 
stout-hearted old governor, in that he hurried into the 
expeitces of fortification, without ascertaining whether 
they were necessary, by prudently waiting until the enemy 
was at the door. But they should recollect that Peler 
Stuyvesaut had not the benefit of an Insight into the 
modern arcana of politics, and was strangely bigoted to 
certain obsolete maxims of the old school ; among which 
he tirmly believed, that, to render a country respecfed 
abroad, it was necessary to make it formidable at home ; 
and that a nation should place its reliance for j)eace and 
security, more upon its own strength, than on the justice or 
good-will of its neighbours. — He proceeded, therefore, with 
all diligence, to put the provmce and metropolis in a 
strong posture of defence. 

Among the few remnants of ingenious inventions which 
remained from the days of Willi im the Testy, were those 
impregnable bulwarks of public safety, militia laws; by 
which ihe inhabitants were obliged to turn out twice a 
year, with such military equipments — as it pleased God ; 
and were put under the command of very valiant tailors 
and man-milliners, who, though on ordinary occasions 
the meekest, pippin-hearted little men in the world, were 
very devils at parades and court martials, when they had 
cocked hats on their heads, and swords by their sides. 
Under the instruction of these periodical warriors, the 
gallant train-bauds made marvellous proficiency in the 
mystery of gun}>ovTder. They were taught to face to the 
right, to wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks 
without wmking, to turn a corner without any great up- 
roar or irregularity, and to march through sun and rain 
from one end of the town to the other without flinching, 
until in the end they became so valorous that they fired 
ofl" blank cartridges, without so much as turning away 
their heads — could hear the largest field-piece discharged, 
witbo'Jt stopping their ears, or falling into much confu- 
sion ; and would even go through all the fatigues and 
perils of a summer day's parade, without having their 
laiiks much thinned by desertion I 



NEW YOUK. 187 

True it is, the genius of this truly pacific people was 
so little ofiveu to war, that, during the inteivals which 
occurred hetween field days, they generally contrived to 
forget all the military tuition they had received ; so that 
when they re-appeared on parade, they scarcely knew the 
buttend of the musket from the muzzle, and invariably 
mistook the right shoulder for the left — a mistake which, 
however, was soon obviated by chalking their left arms. 
But whatever might be their blunders and awkwardness, 
the sagacious Kieft declared them to be of but little im- 
portance — since, as he judiciously observed, one cam- 
paign would be of more instruction to them than a hun- 
dred parades ; for though two-thirds of them might be 
food for powder, yet such of the other third as did not run 
away would become most experienced veterans. 

The great Stuyvesant had no particular veneration for 
the ingenious experiments and institutions of his shrewd 
predecessor, and among other things, held the militia 
system in very considerable contempt, which he was often 
heard to call in joke — for he was sometimes fond of a 
joke — Governor Kieft's broken reed. As, however, the 
present emergency was pressing, he was obliged to avail 
himself of such means of defence as were next at hand, 
and accordingly appointed a general inspection and 
parade of the train-bands. But, oh ! Mars and Bellona, 
and all ye other powers of war, both great and small, 
what a turning out was here ! — Here came men without 
oflScers, and officers without men — long fowling-pieces 
and short blunderbusses — muskets of all sorts and sizes, 
some without bayonets, others without locks, others with- 
out stocks, and many without lock, stock, or barrel. — 
Cartridge-boxes, shot-belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets 
snicker-snees, crow-bars, and broomsticks, all mingled 
higgledy piggledy — like one of our continental armies at 
the breaking out of the revolution. 

This sudden transformation of a pacific community into 
a band of warriors is, doubtless, what is meant in modern 
days, by " putting a nation in armour," and " fixing it in 
an attitude." In which armour and attitude it makes as 
martial a figure, and likely to acquit itself with as much 
prowess, as the renowned Sancho Pan^a, when suddenly 
equipped to defend his Island of Barataria. 

The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regimtnl with some' 



*^S HISTORY OF 



such .uefu aspect as a man would eye the devil : but 
knowing, hke a wise man, that all he had to do was to 
njake the best out of a bad bargain, he determined to give 
1.1 T^k"" reasoning. Having, therefore, drilled them 
through the manual exercise over and over again he 
ordered he tifes to strike up a quick march, and^'uVed 
his sturdy boots backwards and forwards about the streets 
of New Amsterdam, and the fields adjacent, until heh 
short legs ached and their fat sides sweated ^gain. Bu 
thi. was not all; the martial spirit of the old governor 
caught hre from the sprightly music of the fife Ind Z 

a taste of the hardships of iron war. To this end he 
encamped them, as the shades of evening fell, upon a hill 
formerly called Bunker's Hill, at some distance fVom the 
town, with a full intention of initiating them into the dis- 
cipline of camps, and of renewing thf next day the to s 
and perils of the field. But so it came to pas J that . 
the night there fell a great and heavy raii^ «hi^h 'de 
scended in torrents upon the camp, and the migh y army 
strangely melted away before it 3 so that wlfen Gaff^ 
Phoebus came to shed his morning beams upon the place 
saving Peter Sluyvesant and his trumpeter Van Cor 1 ear' 
scarce one was to be found of all the multitude th^ ha^l 
encamped there the night before. 

This awful dissolution of his army would have appalled 
a commander of less nerve than Peter Stuyvesant': but 
he considered it as a matter of but small importance 
hough he henceforward regarded the militia syst'im with 
ten imes greater contempt than ever, and took care n 
provide himself with a good garrison of chosen men, whom 
he kept mpay; of whom he boasted, that they at S 
S:;l>'^ ^"^''^^' ^^''P^-»^»^ in soldier Jof^b^^ 
The next care of the vigilant Stuy vesant was to strenghten 
and fortify New Amsterdam. For this purpose he cfuseS 
s'land f ' ' '''""^ picket-fence, thnt i^eached across he 
island, fvom river to river, being intended to protect he 
city, not merely from the sudden invasions'^of fo e^n 
enemies, but l.kewi.e from the incursions of th^ neighbo fr" 
ing savages* "ci^uuoui- 



".c ^ -;!ff J^T^;!S;^s-S!:i/^i; »;;iy:ii-|- 



NtW YORK. 189 

Some traditions, it is true, have ascribed the building 
of this wall to a later period, but they are wholly incor- 
rect •, for a memorandum in the Sluyvesant manuscript, 
dated towards the middle of the governor's reign, men- 
tions this wall particularly, as a very strong and curious 
piece of workmanship, and the admiration of all the 
savages in the neighbourhood. And it mentions, more- 
over, the alai ming circumstance of a drove of stray cows 
breaking through the grand wall of a dark night ; by which 
the whole community of New Amsterdam was thrown 
into a terrible panic. 

In addition to this great wall, he cast up several out- 
works to Fort Amsterdam, to protect ihe sea-board at the 
point of the island. These consisted of formidable mud- 
batteries, solidly faced, after the manner of the Dutch 
ovens, common in those days, with clam-shells. 

These frowning bulwarks, in process of time, came to 
bo pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet of grass and 
clover, and their high embankments overshadowed by 
wide-spreading sycamores, among whose foliage the little 
birds sported about, rejoicing the ear with their melodious 
notes. The old burghers would repair of an afternoon to 
smoke their pipes under the shade of their branches, con- 
templating the goldent sun as he gradually sunk into the 
west — an emblem of that tranquil end toward which them- 
selves were hastening j while the young men and the 
damsels of the town would take many a moonlight stroll 
among these favourite haunts, watching the silver beams 
of chaste Cynthia tremble along the calm bosom of the 
bay, or light up the while sail of some gliding bark, and 
interchange the honest vows of constant affection. Such 
was the origin of that renowned walk, The Battel'?/, 
which, though ostensibly devoted to the purposes of 
war, has ever been consecrated to the sweet delights of 
|)eace — the favourite walk of declining age — the healthful 
resort of the feeble invalid — the Sunday refreshment of 

iiloiig- llip course of Wull Street, so called in commemoration of tnis 
threat bulwark. One gate, called the Land-Foort, opened upon Broad- 
way, iiavd by where at present stands the Trinity Church ; and 
another called the Water-Poort stood about where the Tontine 
Cotfee-house is at present, opening: upon Smits VJeye, or, as it is com- 
monly called, Smith Fly, then a marshy valley, with a creek or inlet 
extending np what we call Maiden Lane. 



190 mSTOHY OF 

the dusty tradesman— the scene of luauy a boyish gam- 
bol—the rendezvous of many a tender assignation — the 
comfort of the citizen — the ornament of New-York — and 
the pride of the lovely island of Mannahata. 

CHAP. VI. 

How the People of the East Country were suddenly 

afflicted with a diabolical evil — and their judicious 

measures- for tlie extirpation thereof. 

Having thus provided for the temporary security of 
New Amsterdam, and guarded it against any sudden sur- 
prise, the gallant Peter took a hearty pinch of snuff, and 
snapping his fingers, set the great council of Amphyctions 
and their champion the doughty Alicxsauder Partridg at 
defiance. It is impossible to say, notwithstanding, what 
might have been the issue of this afi'air, had not the 
council been all at once involved in sad perplexity, and as 
much dissension sown among its members, as of yore 
was stirred up in the camp of the brawling warriors of 
Greece. 

The council of the league, as I have shown in my last 
chapter, had already announced its hostile determinations, 
and already was the mighty colony of New-Haven and 
the puissant town of Pyquag, otherwise called Weathers- 
field — famous for its onions and witches — and the great 
trading house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable 
border towns, in a prodigious turmoil, furbishing up their 
rusty fowling-pieces, and shouting aloud for war j by 
which they anticipated easy conquests and gorgeous spoils 
from the little fat Dutch villages. But this joyous brawl- 
ing was soon silenced by the conduct of the colony of 
Massachusetts, Struck with the gallant spirit of the brave 
old Peter, and convinced by the chivahic frankness and 
heroic warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe 
him guilty of the infamous plot most wrongfully laid at 
his door. With a generosity for which I would yield them 
immortal honour, they declared that no determination of 
the grand council of the league should bind the general 



NEW \ORK. 191 

court of Massachusetts to join in an offensive war, whiclj 
should appear to such general court to be unjust.* 

This refusal immediately involved the colony of Mas- 
sachusetts, and the other combined colonies, in very 
serious difficulties and disputes ; and would no doubt 
have produced a dissolution of the confederacy, but that 
the council of Amphyctions, finding that they could not 
stand alone, if mutilated by the loss of so important a 
member as Massachusetts, were fain to abandon for the 
present their hostile machinations against the Manhattoes. 
Such is the marvellous energy and the puissance of those 
confederacies, composed of a number of sturdy, self-willed, 
discordant parts, loosely banded together by a puny 
general government. As it was, however, the warlike 
towns of Connecticut liad no cause to deplore this disap- 
pointment of their martial ardour ; for by my faith — 
though the combined powers of the league might have been 
too potent, in the end, for the robustous warriors of the 
Manhattoes ; yet, in the interim, would the lion-hearted 
Peter and his myrmidons have choaked the stomachful 
heroes of Pyquag with their own onions, and have given 
the other little border-towns such a scouring, that I warrant 
they would have had no stomach to squat on the land, or 
invade the hen-roost of a New Nederlander for a century to 
come. 

Indeed there was more than one cause to divert the 
attention of the good people of the east from their hostile 
purposes ; for just about this time were they horribly 
beleagured and harassed by the inroads of the prince of 
darkness, divers of whose liege subjects they detected 
lurking within their camp, all of whom they incontinently 
roasted as so many spies and dangerous enemies. Not to 
speak in parables, we are informed, that at this juncture, 
the New England provinces were exeedingly troubled by 
multitudes of losel witches, who wrought strange devices 
to beguile and distress the multitude-, and notwithstanding 
numerous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted 
against all "solemn conversing or compacting with the 
divil, by way of conjuracion or the like,f " yet did the 
dark crime of witchcraft continue to increase to an alarm- 
ing degree that would almost transcend belief, were not 

* Haz. Col. S. Pap. + New Plyiooutli Record. 



192 HISTORY OF 

the fact too well authenticated to be even doubled for an 
instant. 

What is particularly worthy of admiration is, that this 
terrible art, which so long has baffled the painful researches 
and abtruse studies of philosophers, astrologers, alchymists, 
theurgists, and other sages, was chiefly confined to the 
most ignorant, decrepid, and ugly old women in the 
community, who had scarcely more brains than the broom- 
sticks they rode upon. Where they first acquired their 
infernal education — whether from the works of the ancient 
theurgists — the demonology of the Egyptians — the 
belomancy, or divination by arrows, of the Scythians — 
the spectrology of the Germans — the magic of the Persians 
— the enchantment of the Laplanders — or from the archives 
of the dark and mysterious caverns of the Dom Daniel- 
is a question pregnant with many learned and ingenious 
doubts 5 particularly as most of them were totally unversed 
in the occult mysteries of the alphabet. 

When once an alarm is sounded, the public, who love 
dearly to be in a panic, are not long in want of proofs 
to support it. Raise but the cry of yellow fever, and 
immediately every head-ach, and indigestion, and overflow- 
ing of the bile, is pronounced the terrible epidemic. In 
like manner, in the present instance, whoever was troubled 
with a colic or lumbago was sure to be bewitched, and woe 
to any unlucky old woman that lived in his neighbourhood. 
Such a howling abomination could not be suftered to 
remain long unnoticed, and it accordingly soon attracted 
the fiery indignation of the sober and leflective part of the 
community, more especially of those, who, whilome, had 
evinced so much active benevolence in the conversion of 
quakcrs and anabaptists. The grand council of the 
Amphyctions publicly set their faces against so deadly and 
dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny took place after those 
nefarious witches, who were easily detected by devil's 
pinches, black cats, broomsticks, and the circumstance of 
their only being able to weeu three tears, and those out of 
the left eye. 

It is incredible the number of offences that were detected, 
" for every one of which," says the profound and reverend 
Cotton Mather, in that excellent work, the History of 
New Englanil — " we have such a sufficient evidence that 



NEW YORK. » 193 

no reasonable man in this whole conntry ever did question 
tliem ; and it will be unreasonable to do it in aay other y 

Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian, John 
lossclyn, Gent, furnishes us with unquestionalde facts on 
vhis subject. " There are none," observes he, " that beg' 
in this country, but there be witches too many — bottle- 
beUied witclies, and others, that produce many strange 
apparitions, if you will believe a report of a shallop at 
sea, manned with women, and of a ship and great red 
horse standing by the mainmast ; the ship being in a small 
cove to the eastward vanished of a sudden," &c. 

The number of delinquents, however, and their magical 
devices, were not more remarkable than their diabolical 
obstinacy. Though exhorted in the most solemn, persua- 
sive, and affectionate manner, to confess themselves guilty, 
and be burnt for the good of religion and the entertain- 
ment of the public, yet did they most pertinaciously persist 
in asserting their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy 
was in itself deserving of immediate punishment, and was 
sufficient proof, if proof were nccessarj^, that they were 
in league with the devil, who is perverseness itself. But 
their judges were just and merciful, and were determined 
to punish none that were not convicted on the best of 
testimony; not that they needed any evidence to satisfy 
their own minds, for, like true and experienced judges, 
their minds were perfectly made up, and they were 
thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the prisoners, before 
they proceeded to try them; but still something was 
necessary to convince the community at large — to quiet 
those prying quidnuncs who should come after them ; in 
short, the world must be satisfied. Oh the world, the 
world ! — all the world knows the world of trouble the 
world is eternally occasioning '.—The wortiiy judges, there- 
fore, were driven to the necessity of sifting, detecting, and 
making evident as noon-day matters which were at the 
connnencement all clearly understood and firmly decided 
upon in their own pericraniums ; so that it may truly be 
said, that the witches were burned to gratify the populace 
of the day, but were tried for the satisfaction of the 
whole world that should come after them ! 

Finding, therefore, that neither exhortation, sound 

* Mather's Hist. New Eng-. b. vi. ch. 7. 
k 



194 HISTORY Of 

reason, nor friendly entreaty, had any avail on these 
hardened offenders, they resorted to the more urgent arsru- 
ments of the torture ; and having thus ahsolutely wrung tlie 
truth from their stubborn lips, they condemned them to 
undergo the roasting due unto the heinous crimes they had 
confessed. Some even carried their perverseness so far as 
to expire under the torture, protesting their innocence to 
the last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and 
absolutely possessed by the devil, and the pious by- 
standers only lamented that they had not lived a little 
longer to have perished in the flames. 

In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the plague was 
expelled by stoning a ragged old beggar to death, whom 
Apollonius pointed out as being the evil spirit that caused 
it, and who actually showed himself to be a demon, by 
changing into a shaggy dog. In like manner, and by 
measures equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to 
this growing evil. The witches were all burned, banished, 
or panic-struck, and in a little while there was not an 
ugly old woman to be found throughout New England, 
which is doubtless one reason why all the young women 
there are so handsome. Those honest folk who had 
suffered from their incantations gradually recovered, 
excepting such as had been afflicted with twitches and 
aches, which, however, assumed the less alarming aspects 
of rheumatisms, sciatics, and lumbagos ; and the good 
people of New England, abandoning the study of the 
occult sciences, turned their attention to the more profitable 
hocus pocus of trade, and soon became expert in the 
legerdemain art of turning a penny. Still, however, a 
tinge of the old leaven is discernible, even unto this day, 
in their characters ; witches occasionally start up among 
them in different disguises, as physicians, civilians, and 
divines. The people at large show a keenness, a cleverness, 
and a profundity of wisdom, that savours strongly of 
witchcraft ; and it has been remarked, that whenever any 
stones fall from the moon, the greater part of them are 
sure to tumble into New England. 



NEW YORK. 195 



CHAP. VII. 

Whicn records the rise and renown of a valiant Com- 
mander ; shewing that a Man, like a bladdery may be 
puffed up to greatness and importunce by mere wind. 

When treating of those tempestuous times, the unknown 
writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript breaks out into a 
vehement apostrophe, in praise of the good St. Nicholas ; 
to whose protecting care he entirely ascribes the strange 
dissensions that broke out in the council of the Amphyc- 
tions, and the direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east 
comitry ; whereby the hostile machinations against the 
Nederlanders wei'e for a time frustiated, and his favourite 
city of New-Amsterdam preserved from imminent peril 
and deadly warfare. Daikness and louring superstition 
hung over the fair valleys of the east — the pleasant banks 
of the Connecticut no longer echoed with the sounds of 
rustic gaiety — direful phantoms and portentous apparitions 
were seen in tlie air— gliding spcctrums haunted every 
wild brook and dreary glen— strange voices made by view- 
less forms, were heard in desert solitudes — and the border, 
towns were so occupied in detecting and punishing the 
knowing old women that had produced these alarming 
appearances, that for a while the province of Nieuw 
Nederlandts and its inhabitants were totally forgotten. 

The great Peter, therefore, finding that nothing was to 
be immediately apprehended from his eastern neighbours, 
turned himself about, with a praise-worlhy vigilance that 
ever distinguished him, to put a stop to the insults of the 
Swedes. These freebooters, my attentive reader will 
recollect, had begun to be very troublesome towards the 
latter part of the reign of William the Teh>ty, having set 
the proclamations of that doughty little governor at 
naught, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam to a 
perfect nonplus! 

Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been shown, 

was a governor of different habits and turn of mind. 

Without more ado, he immediately issued orders for 

aising a corps of troops to be stationed on the southern 

frontier, under the command of brigadier-general Jacobus 

s 2 



193 HISTORY OF 

Von Poft'enl)ur2;li. This illustrious warrior had risen lo 
great iini)ortancc tluring the reign of Wilhelmus Kieft ; 
and, it" histories speak true, was second in command to the 
hapless Van Cinlet, when he and his ragged regiment were 
inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the Yankees. 
In consequence of having been in such a " memorable 
aflair," aiwJ of having received more wounds on a certain 
honourable part, that shall be nameless, than any of his 
comrades, he was ever after considered as a heio, who had 
" seen some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the 
imlimiled confidence and friendship of William the Testy , 
who would sit for hours, aufl listen with wonder to his gun- 
powder narratives of surprising victories— iie had never 
gained ; and dreadful battles — from which he had run 
away ; and the governor was once heard to declare, that 
had he lived in ancient times, he might unquestionably 
have claimed the armour of Achilles — being not merely 
like Ajax, a mighty blustering man of battle ; but in the 
cabinet a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant of 
speech, and long winded — all which, as nobody in New- 
Amsterdam knew aught of the ancient heroes in question, 
passed totally uncontradicted. 

It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates, that 
heaven had infused into some men at th.eir birth a portion 
of intellectual gold ; into others, of intellectual silver ; 
while others were bounteously furnished out with abun- 
dance of brass and iron. Now, of this last class was 
undoubtedly the great General Von PofFenburgh, and, 
from the display he continually made thereof, I am inclined 
to think that dame Nature, who will sometimes be partial, 
had blessed him with enough of those valuable materials 
to have fitted up a dozen ordinary braziers. But what is 
most to be admired is, that he contrived to pass off all his 
brass and copper upon Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great 
judge of base coin, as pure and genuine gold. The con- 
sequence was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van 
Curlet, who, after the loss of Fort Goed Hoop, retired like 
a veteran general, to li^e under the shade of his laurels, 
the mighty "copper captain" was promoted to his station. 
This he tilled with great importance, always styling him- 
self " commander-in-chief of the armies of the New 
Netherlandish" though, to tell the truth, the armies, or 



NEW YORK. 197 

rather army, consisted of a handful of lien-steal iiig, bottle- 
bruising ragamuffins. 

Such was the character of the warrior appointed by 
Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier 5 nor may 
it be uninteresting to my reader to have a glimpse of his 
person. He was not very tall, but notwithstanding, a huge 
full-bodied man, whose bulk did not so much arise from 
his being fat as windy 5 being so completely inflated with 
his own importance, that he resembled one of those bags 
of wind which J^olus, in an incredible fit of generosity, 
gave to that wandering warrior Ulysses. 

His dress comported with this character, for he had 
almost as much brass and copper without, as Nature had 
stored away within. His coat was crossed and slashed, 
and carbonadoed with stripes of copper lace, and swathed 
round the body with a crimson sash, of the size and 
texture of a fishing net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart 
from bursting through bis ribs. His head and whiskers 
were profusely powdered, from the midst of which his 
full blooded face glowed like a fiery furnace 5 and his 
magnaminous soul seemed ready to bounce out at a pair of 
large glassy blinking eyes, which projected like those of a 
lobster. 

I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie not this 
warrior, I would give all the money in my pocket to nave 
seen him accoutred cap-a-pie in martial array — booted to 
the middle — sashed to the chin — collared to the ears — 
whiskered to the teeth — crowned with an overshadowing 
cocked hat, and girded with a leathern belt ten inches 
broad, fiom which trailed a falchion, of a length that 1 dare 
not mention. Thus equipped, he strutted about as bitter 
looking a man of war as the far famed More of More- 
Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all points, to slay the 
dragon of Wantley.* 

Notwithstanding all the great endowments and trans- 

" " Had you but seen him in this dress, 
How fierce he looked and how big-; 
You would have thought him for to be 
Some Egyptian Portiipig. 

" He frighted all, cats dogs and all, 
Each cow, each horse, and each hog ; 

For fear they did flee, for they took him to be 
Some strange outlandish hedge-liog." 

Ballad of Drag, of W'aut. 



198 HISTORY OF 

cendant qiialiiies of this reiiowiiefl j^rncral, I must con- 
fess he was not exactly the kind of man tliat the pfallant 
Peter would have chosen to command his troops— but the 
truth is, that in those days the pro\ince did not abound, 
as at present, in great military characters ; who, like so 
many Cincinnatuses, people every little village — mar- 
shalling out cabbages instead of soldiers, and signalizing 
themselves in the corn-field instead of the field of battle : 
who have surrendered the toils of war for the more useful 
but inglorious arts of peace ! and so blended the laurel 
with the olive, that you may have a general for a landlord, 
a colonel for a stage-driver, and your horse shod by a 
valiant "captain of volunteers." — Neither had Peter 
Stuyvesant an opportunity of choosing, like modern rulers, 
from a loyal band of editors of newspapers — no mention 
being made in the histories of the times of any such class 
of mercenaries being retained in pay by government, either 
as trumpeters, champions, or body guards. The redoubt- 
able General Von PoflTenburgh, therefore, was appointed 
to the command of the new levied troops, chiefly because 
there were no competitors for the station, and partly 
because it would have been a breach of military etiqr.ette, 
to have appointed a younger officer over his head-— an 
injustice which the great Peter would have rather died than 
have committed. 

No sooner did this thrice valiant copper captain receive 
marching oiders, than he conducted his army undauntedly 
to the southern frontier ; through wild lands and savage 
deserts, over insurmountable mountains, across impassable 
flood."!, and through impenetrable forests ; encountering 
more perils, according to his own account, than did ever 
the great Xenophon in his far famed retreat with his ten 
thousand Grecians. All this accomplished, he established 
ou the South (or Delaware) river a redoubttible redoubt, 
named Fort Casimir, in honour of a favourite pair of 
brimstone-C(doured trunk breeches of the governor. As 
this fort will be found to give rise to very important and 
interesting events, it may be worth while to notice, that it 
was afterwards called Nieuw-Amstel, and was the original 
germ of the present flourishing (own of New-Castle, an 
appellation erroneously substituted for No Castle, th'erc 
neither being nor never having been a castle or any thing 
of the kind upon the piemists. 



NEW YORK. 199 

The Swjdcs did not sufier tamely this menacing move- 
ment of the Nederlanders ; on the contrary Jan Pi-intz, at 
that lime governor of New Sweden, issued a protest against 
what he termed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. 
But the vahant Von Poffenburgh had become too well 
versed in the nature of proclamations and protests, while he 
served under William the Testy, to be in any wise daunted 
by such paper warfare. His fortress being finished, it 
would have done any man's heart good lo beh'^ld into 
what a magnitude he immediately swelled. He would 
stride in and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front 
and in rear j on this side and on that. — Then would he 
dress himself in full regimentals, and strut backwards 
and forwards, for hours together, on the top of his little 
rampart — like a vain-glorious cock-pigeon vapouring on 
the top of his coop. In a word, unless my readers have 
noticed, with curious eye, the petty commander of one of 
our little, snivelling, military posts, swelling with all the 
vanity of new regimentals, and the pomposity derived from 
commanding a handful of tatterdemalions, I despair of 
giving them any adequate idea of the prodigious dignity of 
General Von Poffenburgh. 

It is recorded in the delectable romance of Pierce Forest, 
that a young knight, being dubbed by king Alexander, did 
incontinently gallop into an adjoining forest, and be- 
laboured the trees with such might and main that the 
whole covut was convinced that he was the most potent 
and cou *nojeous gentleman on the face of the earth. In like 
manner liie great Von Poffenburgh would ease off that 
valorous spleen, which like wind is so apt to grow unruly 
in the stomachs of new made soldiers, impelling them to 
box-lobby brawls, and broken headed quarrels.-.-For at such 
tmies, when he found his martial spirit waxing hot within 
him, he wouUl prudently sally forth into the fields, and 
lugging out his trusty sabre, would lay about him most 
lustily, decapitating cabbages by platoons ; hewing 
down whole phalanxes of sun-flowers, which he termed 
gigantic Swedes 5 and if, peradventure, he espied a colony 
of' honest big-belled pumpkins quietly basking themselves 
in the sun, ♦* Ah, caitiff Yankees," would he roar, " have 
1 caught ye at last '." — so saying, with one sweep of his 
sword, he would cleave the unhappy vegetables from their 
chins to their waistbands : by which warlike havoc las 



200 HISTORY OF 

caoler being m some sort allayed, he would return lo his 
gairison with a full conviction, that he was a very miracle 
ot military prowess. 

The next ambition of General Von PofFenburgh was to 
be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well knowing that 
discipline is the soul of all military enterprise, he enforced 
it with the most rigorous precision ; obliging every mai. 
to turn out his toes, and hold up his head on parade ; and 
prescribing the breadth of their ruffles to all such as had 
any shirts to their backs. 

Having one day, in the course of his devout researches 
in the Bible (for the pious ^neas himself could not exceed 
him in outward religion,) encountered the history of 
Absalom and his melancholy end, the general, in an evil 
hour, issued orders for cropping the hair of both officers 
and men throughout the garrison. Now it came to pass, 
that among his officers was one Kilderraeester; a sturdy 
veteran who liad cherished, through the course of a long 
life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resembling the 
shag of a Newfoundland dog ; terminating m ith an im- 
moderate queue, like the handle of a frying-pan 5 and 
queued so tightly to his head, that his eyes and mouth 
generally stood ajar, and his eyebrows were drawn up to 
the top of his forehead. It may naturally be supposed 
that the possessor of so goodly an appendage would resist 
with abhorrence an order condemning it to the shears- 
Samson himself could not have held his locks more sacred— 
and on hearing the general oi-ders, he discharged a tempest 
of veteran, soldier-like oaths, pnd dunder and blixums 
— swore he would break any man's head who attempted 
to meddle with his tail — queued it stiffer than ever, and 
whisked it about the garrison as fiercely as the tail of a 
crocodile. 

The eeUskin queue of old Kildermeester became in- 
stantly an affair of the utmost importance. The com- 
mander-in-chief was too enlightened an officer not to 
perceive that the discipline of the garrison, the subordina- 
tion and good order of the armies of the Nieuw Nedcr- 
landts, the consequent safety of the whole province, and 
ultimately the dignity and prosperity of their high mighti- 
nesses, the lords states-general, but above all, the dignity 
of the great General Von Poflenburgh— all imperiously 
demanded the docking of that stubborn queue. iJc there- 



NEW YORK. 201 

fore determined that old Kildermeester slionld be publicly 
shorn of his glories in presence of the whole garrison— 
the old man as resolutely stood on the defensive — whereupon 
the general, as became a great mm, was highly exasperated, 
and the offender was arrested and tried by a court martial 
for mutiny, desertion, and all the other list of offences 
noticed in the articles of war, ending with a " videlicet, in 
wearing an eel-skin queue, three feet long, contrary to 
orders." — Then came on arraignments, and trials, and 
pleadings, and the whole country was in a ferment about this 
unfortunate queue. As it is well known that the com- 
mander of a distant frontier post has the power of acting 
pretty much after his own will, there is little doubt but that 
the veteran would have been hanged, or shot at least, had 
he not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere chagrin 
and mortification — and most flagitiously deserted from 
earthly conmianil, with his beloved locks unviolated. 
His obstinacy remained unshaken to the very last moment, 
when he directed that he should be carried to his grave 
with his eel-skin queue sticking out of a hole in his coffin. 
This magnanimous affair obtained the general great 
credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is hinted that 
he was ever after subject to bad dreams, and fearful 
visitations in the night — when the grisly si»ect ruin of old 
Kiidcrmeester would stand sentinel by the bedside, erect 
as a pump, his enormous queue strutting out like the 



RND OF UOOK FIFia. 



202 HISTORY OF 



BOOK SIXTH. 

CONTAINING THK SECOND PART OF THE REIGN OF 

PETER THE HEADSTRONG, AND HIS GALLANT 

ACHIEVEMENTS ON THE DELAWARE. 



CHAP. I. 



In which is exhibited a warlike Portrait of the great Peter 
— and how General Von Poffenhurgh distinguished himself 

at Fort Casimir. 

Hitherto, most venerable and courteous reader, liave 
I shown thee the administration of the valorous Stuyve- ant, 
under the mild moonshine of peace, or rathei- the g'rini 
tranquillity of awful expectation j but now the war-drum 
rumbles from afar, the brazen trumpet brays its thrilling 
note, and the rude clash of hostile arms speaks fearful 
prophecies of coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts 
from soft repose, from golden visions, and voluptuous ease; 
where, in the dulcet " piping time of peace," he sought 
sweet solace after all his toils. No more in beauty's siren 
lap reclined, he weaves fair garlands for his lady's brows ; 
no more entwines with flowers his shining sword ; nor 
through the livelong lazy summer's day chants forth hi^ 
love-sick soul in madrigals. To ujanhood roused, he spurns 
the amorous flute ; doff"s fiom iiis brawny back the robe of 
peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply of steel. 
O'er his dark brow, where late the myrtle waved — where 
wanton roses breathed enervate love — he rears the beaming 
casque and nodding plume 5 grasps the bright shield, and 
shakes the ponderous lance 5 or mounts with eager pride 
his fiery steed, and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry ! 

But soft, worthy reader ! 1 would not have you imagine, 
that any preux chevalier thus hitleously begirt with iron, 
existed in the city of New-Amsterdam. This is but a 
lofty and gigantic mode in which heroic writers always 
talk of war, thereby to give it a noble and imjjosing aspect, 
equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms, and lances, 
and such like outlandish and obsolete weapons, the like 



NtVV YORK. 203 

which perchance they had never seen or heard of; in the 
same maimer thai a cunning statuary arrays a modern 
general or an admiral in the accoutrements of a Caesar or 
an Alexander. The simple truth then of all this orato- 
rical flourish is this — that the valiant Peter Stuyvesant, all 
of a sudden, found it necessary to scour his trusty blude, 
which too long had rusted in its scabbard, and prepare 
himself to undergo those hardy toils of war, in which his 
mighty soul so much delighted, 

Methinks I at this moment behold him in my imagina- 
tion — or rather, I behold his goodly portrait, which still 
hangs up in the family mansion of theStuyvesanIs, arrayed 
in all the terrors of a true Dutch general. His regimental 
coat of German blue, gorgeously decorated wilh a goodly 
show of large brass buttons, reaching from his waistband 
to his chin. The volummous skirts turned up at the 
corners, and separating gallantly behind, so as to display 
the seat of a sumptuous pair of brimstone-coloured trunk 
breeches — a graceful style still prevalent among the 
warriors of our day, and which is in conformity to the 
custom of ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves 
in rear. His face rendered exceedingly terrible and warlike 
by a pair of black mustachios ; his hair strutting out on 
each side in stiffly pomatumed ear-locks, and descending in 
a rat-tail queue below his waist ; a shining stock of black 
leather supporting his chin, and a little, but fierce cocked 
hat stuck with a gallant and fiery air over his left eye. 
Such was the chivalric part of Peter the Headstrong ; and 
when he made a sudden halt, planting himself firmly on 
his solid supporter, with his wooden leg inlaid with silver, 
a little in advance, in order to strengthen his position, his 
right hand grasping a gold-headed cane, his left resting 
upon the pummel of his sword ; his head dressing, spiritedly 
to the right, with a most appalling and hard favoured 
frown upon his brow — he presented altogether one of the 
most commanding, bitter looking, and soldierlike figures, 
that ever strutted upon canvass. Proceed we now to 
enquire the cause of this warlike preparation. 

The encroaching disposition of the Sv/edes, on the south 
or Delaware river, has been duly recorded in the chronicles 
of the reign of William the Testy. These encroachments, 
having been endured with that heroic magnanimity which 
is the cornel- stone, or according to Aristotle, the left hand 



204 HISTORY OF 

neighbour of true courage, had been repeated and wickedly 
aggravat.etl. 

The Swedes, who were of that class of cunning preten- 
ders to Christianity, who read the bible upside down, 
whenever it interferes with their interests, inverted the 
golden maxim ; and when their neighbour suffered them 
to smite him on the one cheek, they generally smote him 
on the other also, whether turned to them or not. Their 
repeated aggressions had been among the numerous sources 
of vexation that conspired to keep the irritable sensibilities 
of Wilhelmus Kieft in a constant fever ; and it was only 
owing to the unfortunate circumstance that he had always 
a hundred things to do at once, that he did not take such 
unrelenting vengeance as their offences merited. But 
they had now a chieftain of a different character to deal 
with; and they were soon guilty of a piece of treachery, 
that threw his honest blood in a ferment, and precluded 
all further sufferance. 

Printz, the governor of the province of New Sweden, 
beinsf either deceased or removed, for of this fact some 
uncertainty exists, was succeeded by Jan Risingh, a 
gigantic Swede; and who, had he not been rather knock- 
kneed and splay-footed, might have served for the model 
of a Samson or a Hercules. He was no less rapacious 
than mighty, and withal as crafty as he was rapacious; so 
that, in fact, there is very little doubt, had he lived some 
four or five centuries before, he would have been one of 
those wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure in 
pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about the 
world; and locking them up in enchanted castles, without 
a toilette, a change of linen, or any other convenience. In 
consequence of these enomaities, they fell under the high 
displeasure of chivalry, and all true, loyal, and gallant 
knights were instructed to attack and slay outright any 
miscreant they might happen to find, above six feet high'; 
which is doubtless one reason that the race of large men 
is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter ages so 
exceeding small. 

No sooner did Governor Risingh enter upon his office, 
than he immediately cast his eyes upon the important post 
of Fort Casimir, and formed the righteous resolution of 
taking it into possession. The only thing that remained 
io consider was the mode of carrying his resolution into 



NEW YORK. 205 

efifect : and here I must do him the justice to say, that he 
exhibited a humanity rarely to be met witli amongf leaders, 
and which I have never seen equalled in modern times, 
excepting amonq^ the English, in their glorious affair at 
Copenhagen. Willing to spare the effusion of blood and 
the miseries of open warfare, he benevolently shunned 
every thing like avowed hostility or regular siege, and 
resorted to the less glorious but more merciful expedient 
of treachery. 

Under pretence, therefore, of paying a neighbourly 
visit to General Von Pofienburgh, at his new post of 
Fort Casimir, he made rerjuisite preparation, sailed in 
great state up the Delaware, displayed his flag with the 
most ceremonious punctilio, and honoured the fortress 
with a royal salute, previous to dropping anchor. The 
unusual noise awakened a veteran Dutch sentinel, who 
was napping faithfully at his post, and who having suf- 
fered his match to go out, contrived to return the com- 
pliment, by discharging his rusty musket with the spark 
of a pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades. 
The salute indeed would have been answered by the 
guns of the fort, bad they not unfortunately been out of 
order, and the magazine deficient in ammunition — acci- 
dents to which forts have in all ages been liable, and 
which were the more excusable in the present instance, 
as Fort Casimir had only been erected about two years, 
and General Von Poffcnburgh, its mighty commander, 
had been fully occupied with matters of much greater 
importance. 

Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous reply to 
his salute, treated the fort to a second, for he well knew 
its commander was marvellously delighted with these 
little ceremonials, which he considered as so many acts 
of homage paid to his greatness. He then landed in 
great state, attended by a suite of thirty men — a prodigious 
and vain-glorious retinue, for a petty governor of a petty 
settlement, in those days of primitive simplicity ; and to 
the full as great an army as generally swells the pomp 
and marches in the rear of our frontier commanders at the 
present day. 

The number in fact might have awakened suspicion, had 
not the mhid of the great Von Pofienburgh been so com- 

T 



206 HISTORY OF 

pletely engrossetl with an all- pervading i<lea of himself, 
that he had not room to admit a thought besides. In 
fact he considered the concourse of Risingh's followers as 
a compliment to himself — so apt are great men to stand 
between themselves and the sun, and completely eclipse 
the truth by their own shadow. 

It may readily be imagined how much General Von 
Poftenburgh was flattered by a visit from so august a 
personage j his only embarrassment was, how he should 
receive him in such a manner as to appear to the greatest 
advantage, and make the most advantageous impression. 
The main guard was ordered immediately to turn out, 
and the arms and regimentals (of which the garrison 
possessed full half a dozen suits) were equally distributed 
among the soldiers. One tall lank fellow appeared in a 
coat intended for a small man, the skirts of which reached 
a little below bis waist, the buttons were between his 
shoulders, and the sleeves half way to his wrists, so that 
his hands looked like a couple of huge spades ; and the 
coat not being large enough to meet in front, was linked 
together by loops, made of a pair of red worsted garters. 
Another had an old cocked hat, stuck on the back of his 
head, and decorated with a bunch of cock's tails — a third 
had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about his heels — while 
a fourth, who was a short duck-legged little Trojan, was 
equipped in a huge pair of the general's cast-off breeches, 
which he held up with one hand, while he grasped his 
firelock with the other. The rest were accoutred in simi- 
lar style, excepting three graceless ragamuffins, who had 
no shirts, and but a pair and half of breeches between 
them, wherefore they were sent to the black-hole, to keep 
them out of view. There is nothing in which the talents 
of a prudent commander are more completely testified 
than in thus setting matters ofl" to the greatest advantage; 
and it is for this reason that our frontier posts at the 
present day (that of Niagara for example) display their 
best suit of regimentals on the back of the sentinel who 
stands in sight of travellers. 

His men being thus gallantly arrayed, — those who 
lacked muskets shouldering spades and pickaxes, and 
every man being ordered to tuck in his shirt tail and pull up 
his brogues, General Von Poftenburgh first took a sturdy 



NEW Tonx. 207 

draught of foaming ale, which, like the magiiammous 
More of More-hall *, was his invariable practice on all 
great occasions 5 which done, he put himself at their head, 
ordered the pine planks, which served as a drawbridge, 
to be lai<l down, and issued forth from his castle, like a 
mighty giant, just refreshed with wine. But when the 
two heroes met, then began a scene of warlike pai-ade and 
chivalric courtesy that beggars all description. Risingh, 
who, as I before hinted, was a shrewd, cunning politician, 
and had grown grey much before his time, in consequence 
of his craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of 
the great Von Pofleuburgh, and humoured him in all his 
valorous fantasies. 

Their detachments were accordingly drawn up in front 
of each other ; they carried arms, and they presented arms ; 
they gave the standing salute and the passing salute : — 
they rolled their drums, they flourished their fifes, and 
they waved their colours — they faced to the left, and they 
faced to the right, and they faced to the right about : — 
they wheeled forward, and they wheeled backward, and 
they wheeled into echelon: — they marched, and they coun- 
ter-marched, by grand divisions, by single divisions, and 
by subdivisions — by platoons, by sections, and by files — 
in quick time, in slow time, and in no time at all : for, 
having gone through all the evolutions of two great armies, 
including the eighteen manoeuvres of Dundas ; having 
exhausted ail that they could recollect or imagine of mili- 
tary tactics, including sundry strange and irregular evolu- 
tions, the like of which were never seen before or since, 
excepting among certain of our newly raised militia — the 
two great commanders and their respective troops came at 
length to a dead halt, completely exhausted by the toils 
of war. Never did two valiant train-band captains, or 
two buskined theatric heroes, in the renowned tragedies of 
Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or any other heroical and fighting 
tragedy, marshal their gallows-looking, duck-legged, 
heavy-heeled myrmidons, with more glory and self-admi- 
ration. 

These military compliments being finished, General Von 

• " as soon as he rosCt 

To make him strong and mighty, 
lie drank, hy the tale, six pots of ale, 
And a quart of o(ina vitan.' 
T 2 



208 HISTORY OF 

Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visitor, with great 
ceremony, into the fort -, attended him throughout the 
fortifications j showed him the horn-works, crown-works, 
half-moons, and various other out-works ; or rather the 
places where they ought to be erected ; and where they 
might be erected if he pleased ; plainly demonstrating 
that it was a place of " great capability," a;ul though at 
present but a little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a 
formidable fortress in embryo. This survey over, he next 
had the whole garrison put under arms, exercised and 
reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three bridewell 
birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought up to 
the halberts, and soundly flogged for the amusement of 
his visitor, and to convince him that he was a great disci- 
plinarian. 

There is no error more dangerous than for a commander 
to make known the strength, or as, in the present case, 
the weakness of his garrison ; this will be exemplified 
before I have arrived to an end of my present story, which 
thus carries its moral, like a roasted goose his pudding, in 
the very middle. The cunning Risingh, while he pretended 
to be struck dumb outright, with the puissance of the 
great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the incompe- 
tency of his garrison, of which he gave a hint to his trusty 
followers, who tipped each other the wink, and laughed 
most obstreperously — in their sleeves. 

The inspection, review, and flogging, being concluded, 
the party adjourned to the table; for among his other 
great qualities, the general was remarkably addicted to 
huge entertainments, or rather carousals; and in one after- 
noon's campaign would leave more dead men on the field 
than he ever did in the whole course of his military 
career. Many bulletins of these bloodless victories do 
stiil remain on record ; and the whole province was once 
thrown in amaze by the return of one of his campaigns; 
wherein it was stated, that though, like Captain Bobadil, 
he had only twenty men to back him, yet, in the short 
space of six months, he had conquered and utterly anni- 
hilated sixty oxen, ninety hogs, one hundred sheep, ten 
thousand cabbages, one thousand bushels of potatoes, one 
hundred and fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand 
saven hundred and thirty-five pipes, seventy-eight pounds 
of sugar plums, and forty bars of iron, besicles sundry 



NEW YORK. 209 

small meats, game, poultry, and garden stuft". An 
achievement unparalleled siiKe the days of Pantagruel 
and his all-devouring army ; and which showed that it 
was only necessary to let be' li potent Von PofFenburo-h 
and his garrison loose in an enemy's country, and in a 
little while they would breed a famine, and starve all the 
inhabitants. 

No sooner, therefore, had the general received the tirst 
intimation of the visit of Governor Rising!), than he 
ordered a great dinner to be prepared ; and privately sent 
out a detachment of his most experienced veterans to 
rob all the hen-roosts in the ueighbourhood, and lay the 
pig-sties under contribution— a service to which they had 
been long inured, and which they discharged with such 
incredible zeal and promptitude, that the garrison table 
groaned under the weight of their spoils. 

I wish, with all my heart, my readers could see the 
valiant Von Poftenburgh, as he presided at the head of the 
banquet. It was a sight worth beholding: — there he sat, 
in his greatest glory, surrounded by his soldiers, like that 
famous wine-bibber, Alexander, M-hose thirsty virtues he 
did most ably imitate-, telling astounding stories of his 
hair-breadth adventures and heroic exploits, at which, 
though all his auditors knew them to be most Incontinent 
and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they cast up their 
eyes in admiration, and utter many interjections of asto- 
nishment. Nor could the general pronounce any thing 
that bore the remotest semblance to a joke but the stout 
llisingh would strike his brawny fist upon the table, till 
every glass rattled again, throwing himself back in his 
chair, and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing 
most horribly it was the best joke he ever heard in his life. 
Thus all was rout and revelry and hideous carousal within 
Fort Casimir; and so lustily did Von Poftenburgh ply 
the bottle that in less than four short hours he made him- 
self and his whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated 
the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, in singing songs, 
quafl[ing bumpers, and drinking patriotic toasts, none of 
which but was as long as a Welsh pedigree, or a plea in 
chancery. 

No sooner did things come to this pass than the crafty 
Risingh and his Swedes, who had cunningly kept them- 
selves sober, rose on their entertainers, tied them neck and 



210 HISTORY OF 

heels, and look formal possession of the fort, and all its 
dependencies, in the name of Queen Christina of Sweden ; 
administeriiijj^, at the saine time, an oath of allegiance to 
all the Dutch soldiers who could be made sober enouefh 
to swallow it. Risinarh then put (he fortifications in order, 
appointed his discreet and vioilant friend Suen Scutz, 
a tall, wind-dried, water-drinking^ Swede, to the com- 
mand ; and departed, bearing with him this truly amiable 
garrison and their puissant commander, who, when brought 
to himself by a sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance 
to a *' deboshed fish," or bloated sea monster, caugiit upon 
dry land. 

The transportation of the garrison was done to prevent 
the transmission of intelligence to New-Amsterdam •, for 
much as the cunning Risingh exulted in his stratagem, he 
dreaded the vengeance of the sturdy Peter Stuyvrsaut, 
whose name spread as much teiror in the neighbourhood 
as did whilom that of the unconquerable Scandebeg among 
his scurvy enemies the Turks. 



CHAP. II 

Showing how profound Secrets are often brought to light ; 

with t/t€ proceedings of Peter the Headstrong, when he 

heard of the misfortune of General Von Poffenburgh. 

Whoever first described common fame, or rumour, as 
belonging to the sager sex, was a very owl for shrewd- 
ness. She has in truth certain feminine qualities to an 
astonishing degree ; particularly that benevolent anxiety 
to take care of the affairs of others, which keeps her 
continually hunting after secrets, and gadding about 
proclaiming them. Whatever is done openly, and in the 
face of the world, she takes but transient notice of; but 
whenever a transaction is done in a corner, and attempted 
to be shrouded in mystery, then her goddesship is at her 
wit's end to find it out, and takes a most mischievous and 
lady-like pleasure in publishing it to the world. It is tliis 
truly feminine propensity that induces her continually to 
be prying into cabinets of princes, listening at the key- 
holes of senate chambers, and peering through chinks and 



N2W YORK.. 211 

€raiinies when our worthy congress are sitting with closed 
doors, deliheraling between a dozen excellent modes of 
ruining the nation. It is this which makes her so obnoxi- 
ous to all wary statesmen and intriguing commanders -- 
such a stumbling-block to private negociations and secret 
expeditions, which she often betrays by means and instru- 
ments which never would have been thought of by any but 
a female head. 

Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Casirair. 
No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined that, by securing 
the garrison, he should for a long time prevent the history 
of its fate from reaching the ears of the gallant Sluyve- 
sant ; but his exploit was blown to the world when he 
least expected it, and by one of the last beings he would 
evei- have suspected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide- 
mouthed deity. 

This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker), a kind of 
hanger-on to the garrison, who seemed to belong to 
nobody, and in a manner to be self-outlawed. He was 
one of those vagabond cosmopolites, who shark about the 
world as if they had no right or business in it ; and who 
infest the skirts of society, like poachers and interlopers. 
Every garrison and country village has one or more scape- 
goats of this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, whose 
existence is without motive, who comes from the Lord 
knows where, who lives the Lord knows how, and seems 
to be made for no other earthly purpose but to keep up the 
ancient and honourable order of idleness. This vagrant 
philosopher was supposed to have some Indian blood 
in his veins, which was manifested by a certain Indian 
complexion and cast of countenance ; but more especially 
by his propensities and habits. He was a tall, lank 
fellow, swift of foot, and long-winded. He was generally 
equipped in a half Indian dress, with belt, leggings, and 
nioccasons. His hair hung in straight gallows locks 
about his ears, and added not a little to his sharking 
demeanour. It is an old remark, that persons of Indian 
mixture are half civilized, half savage, and half devil 5 a 
third half being expressly provided for their particular 
convenience. It is for similar reasons, and probably with 
equal truth, that the back-wood men of Kentucky are 
styled half man, Ivalf horse, and half alligator, by the 



212 HISTonY OF 

settlers ou the Mississippi, and held accordingly in ^reat 
respect and abhorrence. 

The above character may have presented itself to the 
g:arrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom they fami- 
liarly dubbed Gallows Dirk. Certain it is, he acknow- 
ledjred allegiance to no one — was an utter enemy to work, 
holding it in no manner of estimation ; but lounged about 
the fort, depending upon chance for a subsistence, getting 
drunk whenever he could get liquor, and stealing what- 
ever he could lay his hands ou. Every day or two he 
was sure to get a sound rib-roasting for some of his mis- 
demeanours, which, however, as it broke no bones, he 
made very light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence 
whenever another opportunity presented. Sometimes, in 
consequence of some flagrant villainy, he would abscond 
fiom the garrison, and be absent for a month at a time ; 
skulking about the woods and swamps, with a long fjwl- 
ing-piece on his shoulder, laying in ambush for game, or 
squatting himself down on the edge of a pond catchino- 
fish for hours together, and bearing no little resemblance 
to that notable bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he 
thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he 
would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins, or a 
bunch of poultry, which perchance he had stolen, and 
would exchange them for liquor, with which, having well 
soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and enjoy 
all the luxurious indolence of that swinish philosopher 
Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm-yards in 
the country, into which he made fearful inroads 5 and 
sometimes he would make his sudden appearance at the 
garrison at day-break, wii'h the whole neighbourhood at 
his heels, like a scoundrel thief of a fox, detected in his 
maraudings, and hunted to his hole. Such was this Dirk 
Schuiler ; and from the total indifference he showed to 
the world or its concerns, and from his truly Indian 
stoicism and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamed 
that he would have been the publisher of the treachery 
of Risingh. i 

When the carousal was going on, which proAcd so fatal 1 

to the brave Von Poftenburgh and his watchful garrison, * 

Dirk skulked about from room to room, being a kind 
of privileged vagrant or useless hound, whom nobody 



NEW YORK 213 

noticctl. Bu. though a fellow of few words, yet, like 
your tHcitiuii people, his eyes and ears were always open, 
and ill the course of his prowlings he overheard the whole 
plot of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his own 
mind how he should turn the matter to his own advantage. 
He played the perfect jack-of-both-sides; that is to say, 
he made a prize of every thing that came in his reach, 
robbed both parties, stuck the copper-bound cocked hat 
of the puissant Van Poftenburgh on his head, whipped a 
huge pair of Risingh's jack-boots under his arm, and took 
to his heels just before the catastrophe and confusion at 
the garrison. 

Finding himself completely dislodged from his haunt in 
this quarter, he directed his flight towards his native place, 
New- Amsterdam, from whence he had formerly been 
obliged to abscond precipitately, in consequence of mis- 
fortune in business, that is to say, having been detected 
in the act of sheep-stealing. After wandering many days x 
in the woods, toiling through swamps, fording brooks, 
swimming various rivers, and encountering a world of 
hardships, (hat would have killed any other being but an 
Indian, a back-wood man, or the devil ; he at lengtli 
arrived, liHU-famished, and lank as a starved weasel, at 
Communipavv, where he stole a canoe, and paddled over 
to New Amsterdam. Immediately on landing, he repaired 
to Governor Stuyvesant, and ii5 more words tlian he had 
ever spoken before in the whole course of his life, gave an 
account of the disastrous affair. 

On receiving these direful tidings, the valiant Peter 
started from his seat, as did the stout King Arthur when 
at " merry Carleile," the news wjis brought him of the 
uncourteou? misdeeds of the " grim barone""— without 
uttering a word, he dashed the pipe he was smoking against 
the back of the chimney, thrust a prodigious quid of 
negro-head tobacco into his left cheek, pulled up his galli- 
gaskins, and strode up and down the room, humming, as 
was customary with him when in a passion, a hideous 
north-west ditty. But, as I have before shown, he was 
not a man to vent his spleen in idle vapouring. His tirst 
measure after the paroxysm of wrath had subsided, was 
to stump up stairs to a huge wooden chest, which served 
as his armoury, from whence he drew forth that identical 
suit of regimentals described in the preceding chapter. 



214 HISTORY or 

In these portentous habiliments he arrayed (liiuself, likf 
Achilles iu (he armour of Vulcan, maintaining all the 
while a most appalling silence, knitting his brows, and 
drawing his breath through his clinched teeth. Being 
hastily equipped, he stiode down into the parlour, jerked 
down his trusty swosd from over the fireplace, where it 
was usually suspended ; but before he girded it on his 
thigh, he drew it from its scabbard, and as his eye coursed 
along the rusty blade, a grim smile stole over his iron 
visage. It was the first smile that had visited his coun- 
tenance for five long weeks ; but every one who beheld 
it prophesied that there would soon be warm work in the 
province ! 

Thus armed at all points, with grisly war depicted in 
each feature, his very cocked hat assuming an air of 
uncommon defiance, he instantly put himself on the alert, 
and despatched Anthony Van Corlear hither and thither, 
this way and that way, through all the muddy streets and 
crooked lanes of the city, summoning by sound of trumpet 
his trusty peers to assemble in instant council. Tiiis 
done, by way of exj>editing matters, according to the 
custom of people in a hurry, he kept in continual bustle 
shifting from chair to chair, popping his head out of every 
window, and stumping up and down stairs with his wooden 
leg in such brisk and incessant motion, that, as we are 
informed by an authentic historian of the times, the conti- 
nual clatter bore no small resemblance to the music of a 
cooper hooping a flour barrel. 

A summons so peremptory, and from a man of the 
governor's meltle, was not to be trifled with 5 the sages 
forthwith repaired to the council chamber, where the 
gallant Stnyvesant entered in martial style, and took his 
chair, like another Charlemagne, among his Paladins. 
The counsellors seated themselves with the utmost tran- 
quillity, and lighting their long pipes, gazed with unruf- 
fled composure on his excellency and his regimentals j 
being, as all counsellors should be, not easily flustered, 
or taken by surprise. The governor looking around for 
a moment with a lofty and soldierlike air, and resting one 
hand on the pummel of his sword, and flinging the other 
forth, in a free and spirited manner, addressed them in a 
short but soul-stirring harangue. 

I am extremely sorry that I have not the advantages < f 



NEW YORK. 315 

Livy, Tliucydiiies, Plutarch, aiul others of my picdccps- 
bors, who were furnished, as I am told, with the speeches 
of all their great emperors, generals, and orators, taken 
down in short-hand, by the most accurate stenographers 
of the time; whereby they were enabled wonderfully to 
enrich their histories, and delight their readers with sub- 
lime strains of eloquence. Not having such important 
auxiliaries, I rannot possibly pronounce what was the 
tenor of Governor Stuyvesant's speech. Whether he 
with maiden coyness hinted to his hearers, that " there 
was a speck of war in the horizon ;" that it would be 
necessary to resort to the " unprofitable tiial of which could 
do each other the most harm," — oi" any other delicate 
construction of language, whereby the odious subject of 
war is handled so fastidiously by modern statesmen ; as a 
gentleman volunteer handles his filthy saltpetre weapons 
with gloves, lest he should soil his dainty fingers. 

1 am bold, however, to say, from the tenor of Peter 
Stuyvesanfs character, that he did not wrap his rugared 
subject in silk and ermines, and other sickly trickeries of 
phrase ; but spoke forth, like a man of nerve and vigour, 
who scorned to shrink in words from those dangers which 
he stood ready to encounter in very deed. This much is 
certain that he concluded by announcing his determina- 
tion of leading on his troops in person, and routing these 
costardmonger Swedes from their usurped quarters at 
Fort Casimir. To this hardy resolution, such of his 
council as were awake gave their usual signal of concur 
rence, and as to the rest, who had fallen asleep about the 
middle of the harangue (" their usual custom in the after- ^ 
noon") — they made not the least objection. 

And now was seen in the fair city of New Amsterdam 
a prodigious bustle and preparation for iron war. Re- 
cruiting parties marched hither and thither, calling lustily 
upon all the scrubs, the runagates, and the tatterdemalions 
of the Manhattoes and its vicinity, who had any ambition 
of srxpence a day, and immortal fame into the bargain, to 
enlist in the cause of glory. For I would have you note, 
that your warlike heroes who trudge in the rear of con- 
querors, are generally of that illustrious class of gentle- 
men who are equal candidates for the army or the bride- 
well — the halberts or the whippmg-post ; for whom dame 
fortune has cast an even die, whether they shall make 



216 KiSTOUT OF 

their exit by the sword or the halter; and whose deaths 
shall, at all events, be a lofty example to thrir country- 
men. 

But notwithstanding all this martial rout and invita- 
tion, the ranks of honour were but scantily supplied ; so 
averse were the peaceful burghers of New Anisterclani 
from enlisting in foreign broils, or stirring beyond that 
home which rounded all their earthly ideas. Upon be- 
holding this, the great Peter, whose noble heart was all 
on fire with war and sweet revenge, determined to wait 
no longer for the tardy assistance of these oily citizens, 
but to muster up his merry men of the Hudson ; who, 
brought up among woods and wilds and savage beast-, 
like our yeomen of Kentucky, delighted in nothing so 
much as desperate adventures and perilous expeditions 
through the wilderness. Thus resolving, he ordered his 
trusty squire, Anthony Van Corlear, to have his state 
galley prepared and duly victualled; which being per- 
formed, he attended public service at the great church of 
St. Nicholas, like a true and pious governor, and then, 
leaving peremptory orders with his council to have the 
chivalry of the Manhattoes marshalled out and appointed 
against his return, departed upon his recruiting voyage up 
the waters on the Hudson. 



t^^r.#sr^s^.#^ 



CHAP. HI. 



Containing Peter Stuyvesanfs Voyage up the Hudson, 
and the wonders and delights of that renowned River. 

Now did the soft breezes of the south steal sweetly over 
the beauteous face of nature, tempering the panting heats 
of summer into genial and prolitic warmth : when titat 
miracle of hardihood and chivahic virtue, the dauntless 
Peter Stuyvesant, spread bis canvass to the wind, and 
departed from the fair island of Mannahata. The galJey 
in which he embarked was sumptuously adorned with peii 
danls and streamers of gorgeous dyes, which fluttered 
gaily in the wind, or dropped their ends in the bosom of 
the stream. The bow and poop of this majestic vessel 
were gallantiv bedight, after the rarest Dutch fashion, 
with figures of tittle pursy cupids with periwigs on their 



NEW York. SL* 

heads, and bearing in their hands garlands of ilowers, 
tlie like of which are not to be fonnd in any book of 
botany : being the matchless flowers which flourislied in 
the golden age, and exist no longer, unless it be in the ima- 
ginations of ingenious carvers of wood and discolourers of 
canvas. 

Thus rarely decorated, in style befitting the state of the 
puissant potentate of the Manhattoes, did the galley of 
Peter Stuyvesant launch forth upon the bosom of the lordly 
Hudson ; which as it rolled its broad waves to the ocean, 
seemed to pause for a while and swell with pride, as if con- 
scious of the illustrious burthen it sustained. 

But trust me, gentlefolk, far other was the scene pre- 
sented to the contemplation of the crew, from that which 
may be witnessed at this degenerate day. Wildness and 
savage majesty reigned on the borders of this mighty 
river.— The hand of cultivation had not as yet laid low the 
dark fovest, and tamed the features of the landscape ; 
nor had the frequent sail of commerce yet broken in upon 
tlie profound and awful solitude of ages. Here and there 
might be seen a rude wigwam perched among the cliffs of 
the mountains, with its curling column of smoke mounting 
in the transparent atmosphere ; but so loftily situated, that 
the whoopings of the savage children, gamboling on the 
margin of the dizzy heights, fell almost as faintly on the 
ear, as do the notes of the lark, when lost in the azure 
vault of heaven. Now and then from the beetling brow 
of some rocky precipice, the wild deer would look timidly 
down upon the splendid pageant as it passed below ; and 
then, tossing his branching antlers in the air, would bound 
away into the thickest of the forest. > 

Through such scenes did the stately vessel of Peter 
Stuyvesant pass. Now did they skirt the basis of the 
rocky heights of Jersey, which spring up like everlasting 
walls, reaching from the waves unto the heavens ; and 
were fashioned, if tradition may be believed, in times long 
past, by the mighty spirit Manetho, to protect his favourite 
abodes from the unhallowed eyes of mortals. Now did 
they career it gaily across the vast expanse of Tappan 
Bay, whose wide extended shores present a vast variety of 
delectable scenery — here the bold promontory, crowned 
with embowering trees, advancing into the bay— there the 
long woodland slope, sweeping up from the shore in rich 



218 HISTORY OF 

luxuriance, and termiuating in llie upland precipice- 
while at a distance a long wavering line of rocky heights 
threw their gigantic shades across the water. Now would 
they pass where some modest little interval, opening 
among these stupendous scenes, yet retreating as it were 
for protection into the embraces of the neighbouring moun- 
tains, displayed a rural paradise, fraught with sweet and 
pastoral beauties ; the velvet tufted lawn, the bushy copse, 
the tinkling rivulet, stealing through the fresh and vivid 
verdure, on whose banks was situated some little Indian 
village, or peradventure the rude cabin of some solitary 
hunter. 

The different periods of the revolving day seemed each, 
with cunning magic, to diffuse a different charm over the 
scene. Now would the jovial sun break gloriously from 
the east, blazing from the summits of the eastern hills, 
and sparkling the landscape with a thousand dewy gems 5 
while along the borders of the river were seen heavy 
masses of mist, which like midnight caitiffs, disturbed at 
his approach, made a sluggish retreat, rolling in sullen 
reluctance up the mountains. At such times all was bright- 
ness, and life, and gaiety ; the atmosphere seemed of an 
indescribable pureness and transparency — the birds broke 
forth iu wanton madrigals, and the freshening breezes 
wafted the vessel merrily on her course. But when the 
sun sunk amid a flood of glory in the west, mantling the 
heavens and the earth with a thousand gorgeous dyes; 
then all was calm, and silent, and magnificent. The late 
swelling sail hung lifelessly against the mast — the simple 
seaman with folded arms leaned against the shrouds, lost 
in that involuntary musing which the sober grandeur of 
nature commands in the rudest of her children. The vast 
bosom of the Hudson was like an unruffled mirror, reflect- 
ing the golden splendour of the heavens, excepting that 
now and then a bark canoe would steal across its surface, 
filled with painted savages, whose gay feathers glared 
brightly as perchance a lingering ray of the setting sun 
gleamed upon them from the western mountains. 

But when the hour of twilight spread its magic mists 
around, then did tlie face of nature assume a thousand 
fugitive charms, which to the worthy heart that seeks 
enjoyment in the glorious works of its Maker, are inexpres- 
sibly captivating. The mellow dubious light that pre- 



NEW YORK. 210 

vailt'd just served to tinge with illusive colours the softened 
features of the scenery. The deceived but delighted eye 
sought vainly to discern in the broad masses of shade 
the separating line between the land and water; or to 
distinguish the fading objects that seemed sinking into 
chaos. Now did the busy fancy supply the feebleness of 
vision, producing with industrious cmft a fairy creation 
of her own. Under her plastic wand the barren rocks 
frowned upon the watery waste, in the semblance of lofty 
towers and high embattled castles — trees assumed the 
direful forms of mighty giants, and the inaccessible sum- 
mits of the mountains seemed peopled with a thousand 
shadowy beings. 

Now broke forth from the shores the notes of an innu- 
merable variety of insects, who filled the air with a strange 
but not inharmonious concert ; while ever and anon was 
heard the melancholy plaint of the Whip-poor-will, who, 
perched on some lone tree, wearied the ear of night with 
his incessant moanings. The mind, soothed into a hal- 
lowed melancholy by the solemn mystery of the scene, 
listened with pensive stillness to catch and distinguish 
each sound that vaguely echoed fiom the shore — now 
and then startled perchance by the whoop of some strag- 
gling savage, or the dreary howl of some caitiff wolf, 
stealing forth upon his nightly prowlings. 

Thus happily did they pursue their course, until they 
entered upon those awful detiles deuominaled the high- 
t.AND8, where it would seem that the gigantic Titans had 
erst waged their impious war with heaven, piling up cliffs 
on cliffs, and hurling vast masses of rock in wild confu- 
sion. But in sooth very different is the history of these 
cloud-capt mountains. — These in ancient days, before the 
Hudson poured his waters from the lakes, formed one 
vast prison, within whose rocky bosom the omnipotent 
Manetho confined the rebellious spirits who repined at his 
control. Here, bound in adamantine chains, or jammed 
in rifted pines, or crushed by ponderous rocks, they 
groaned for mar.y an age. — At length the conquering 
Hudson, in his irresistible career towards the ocean, burst 
open their prison-house, rolling his tide triumphantly 
through its stupendous ruins. 

Still, however, do many of them lurk about their old 
abodes ; and these it is, according to venerable legends^ 

V 2 



220 HISTORY OF 

that cause the echoes which resouiwl throughout these 
awful solitudes j which are nothing but their angry 
clamours when any noise disturbs the profoundness of their 
repose. — For when the elements are agitated by tempest, 
when the winds are up and the thunder rolls, then horrible 
is Ihe yelling and howling of these troubled spirits, making 
the mountains to rebellow with their hideous uproar j for 
at suc^ times it is said, that they think the great Manetho 
is retu/'uing once more to plunge them in gloomy caverns, 
and renew theii- intolerable captivity. 

But all these fair and glorious scenes were lost upon 
the gallant Stuyvesant ; nought occupied his mind but 
thoughts of iron war, and proud anticipations of hardy 
deeds of arms. Neither did his honest crew trouble their 
va-cant heads with any romantic speculations of the kind. 
The pilot at the helm quietly smoked his pipe, thinking 
of nothing either past, present, or to come— those of his 
comrades who were not industriously snoaring under the 
hatches, were listening with open mouths to Anthony Van 
Corlcar ; who, seated on the windlass, was relating to them 
the marvellous history of those myriads of fire-flies, that 
sparkled like gems and spangles upon the dusky robe 
of night. These, according to tradition., were originally a 
race of pestilent sempiternous beldames, who peopled these 
parts long before the memory of man ; being of that 
abominated race emphatically called brimstones : and who 
for their innumerable sins against the children of men, and 
to furnish an awful warning to the beauteous sex, were 
doomed to infest the earth in the shape of these threaten- 
ing and tenible little bugs ; enduring the internal torments 
of that fire which they formerly carried in their hearts and 
breathed forth in their words ; but now are sentenced to 
bear about for ever — in their tails ! 

And now I am going to tell a fact, which I doubt much 
my readers will hesitate to believe ; but if they do, they 
are welcome not to believe a word in this whole history, 
for nothing which it contains is more true. It must be 
known then that the nose of Anthony the trumpeter was of 
a very lusty size, strutting boldly from his countenance 
like a mountain of Golconda: being sumptuously bedecked 
withrubies and other precious stones — the true regalia 
of a king of good fellows, which jolly Bacchus grants to 
all who bouse it heoitilv at the flagon. Now thus it hap- 



NEW YORK. 221 

pencd, that bright am^ early in the moiiiiuj^, the good 
Anthony havuig washed his bnrly visage, was leaning over 
the quarter railing of the galley, conteniplating it in the 
glassy wave below. Jnst at this moment the illustrious 
sun, breaking in all his splendour from behind one of the 
high bluffs of the Highlands, did dart one of his most 
potent beams full upon the refulgent nose of the sounder 
of brass — the reflection of which shot straightway down, 
hissing hot, into the water, and killed a mighty sturgeon 
that was sporting beside the vessel ! This huge monster 
being with infinite labour hoisted on board, furnished a 
luxurious repast to all the crew, being accounted of excel- 
lent flavour, excepting about the wound, where it smacked 
a little of brimstone ; and this, on my veracity, was the 
first time that ever sturgeon was eaten in these parts by 
Christian people.* 

When tins astonishing miracle came to be made known 
to Peter Siuyvesant, and that he tasted of the unknown 
fish, he, as may well be supposed, marvelled exceedingly; 
and as a monument thereof, he gave the name of Anthony''s 
Nose to a stout promontory in the neighbourhood — and it 
has continued to be called Anthony's Nose ever since that 
time. 

But hold — Whither am 1 wandering r — By the Mass, 
if I attempt to accompai'.y the good Peter Stuyvesant on 
this voyage, I shall never make an end, for never was 
there a voyage so fraught with marvellous incidents, nor a 
river so abounding with transcendant beauties, worthy of 
being severally recorded. Even now J have it on the 
point of my pen to relate, how his crew were most horri- 
bly frightened, on going on shore above the Highlands, by 
a gang of merry roistering devils, frisking and curvetting 
on a huge flat rock, which projected into the river-— and 
which is called the DuyveVs Dans-Kamer to this very 
day. — But no ! Diedrick Knickerbocker— it becomes thee 
not to idle thus in thy historic wayfaring. 

Recollect, that while dwelling with the fond garrulity of 
age over these fairy scenes, endeared to thee by the recol- 
lections of thy youth, and the charms of a thousand 

• The learned Hans Megapolensis, treating of the countrj' about 

Albany, in a letter which was written some time alter the settlement 

thereof, says, " There is in the river great plenty of Sturgecu, whicti 

«'e Christians do not make use of; but the Indians eate tliem greedilie."' 



222 HISTORY OF 

lej^endary tales which beguiled the simple ear of thy child- 
hood ; recollect that thou art trifling with those fleeting 
moments which should be de/oted to loftier themes. — Is 
not time— relentless time! — shaking, with palsied hand 
his almost exhausted hour glass before thee? — hasten then 
to pursue thy weary task, lest the last sands be run ere 
thou hast finished thy history of the Manhattoes. 

Let us then commit the dauntless Peter, his brave 
galley, and his loyal crew, to the protection of the blessed 
St. Nicholas ; who 1 have no doubt will prosper him in his 
voyage, while we await his return at the great city of New- 
Amsterdam. 

CHAP. IV. 

Describing the poncrful Army that assetnbled at the 
City of S"^ew~Amisferdam — together tvith the interview 
between Peter the Headstrong and General Von Pqffen- 
burgh; and Peter's sentiments touching unfortunate 

great Men. 

While thus the enterprising Peter was coasting, with 
flowing sail, up the shores of the lordly Hudson, and 
arousing all the phlegmatic little Dutch settlements upon 
its borders, a great and puissant concourse of warriors was 
assembling at the city of New-Amsterdam. And here 
that invaluable fragment of antiquity, the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, is more than commonly particular ; by which 
means 1 am enabled to record the illustrious host that 
encamped itself in the public square, in front of the fort, at 
present denominated the Bowling Green. 

In the centre then was pitched the tent of the men of 
battle of the IManlmltoes •, who, being the inmates of the 
metropolis, composed the life-guards of the governor. 
These were commanded by the valiant Stoflfel Brinker- 
hoof, who whilome had acquired such immortal fame at 
Oyster Bay— they displayed as a standard, a beaver 
rampant on a field of orange-, being the arms of the pro- 
vince, and denoting the persevering industry, and the 
amphibious origin, of the Nederlanders.* 

• This was likewise the great seal of the JNew-Ne«^erlanils, as may 
still be seen in ancient records. 



NEW YORK. - 223 

On Iheir rigl't hand miprht be seen the vassals of that 
renowned Mynheer Michael Paw,* wlio h>rded it o\'er 
the fair regions of ancient Pavonia, and the lands away 
soutl), even unto the JNavesink niountains,-f and was 
moreover patroon of Gibbet-Island. His standard was 
borne by his trusty squire, Coinelius Van Vorst j consist- 
ing of a huge oyster recumbent upon a sea green field 5 
beingf the armorial bearings of his favourite metropolis, 
Conimunipaw. He brought to the camp a stout force of 
warriors, heavily armed, being each clad in ten pair of 
linsey woolsey breeches, and overshadowed by broad 
brimmed beavers, with short pipes twisted in their hat- 
bands. These were the men who vegetated in the mud 
along the shores of Pavonia ; being of the race of genuine 
copper-heads, and were fabled to have sprung from oysters. 

At a little distance was encamped the tribe of warriors 
who came from the neighbourhood of Hell-Gate. These 
were commanded by the Swy Dams, and the Van Dams 
incontinent hard swearers, as their names betoken — they 
were terrible-looking fellows, clad in broad-skirted gaber- 
dines, of that carious coloured cloth called thunder and 
lightning ; and bore as a standard three DeviPs-darning- 
needles volanty in a flame coloured field. 

Hard by was the tent of the men of battle from the 
marshy borders of the Wael-bogtig,J and the country 
thereabouts — these were of a sour aspect, by reason that 
they lived on crabs which abound in these parts : they 
were the first institutors of that honourable order of 
knighthood, called Fly market shirks; and if tradition 
speak true, did likewise introduce the far-famed step in 
dancing, called " double trouble." They were commanded 

• Besides what is related in the Stnyvesant MS. I liave found men- 
tion made of this illustrious Patroou in another manuscript, which 
says: — " Ue Heer (or the Squire) Michael Paw, a Dutch subject, 
about 10th Au^. 1630, by deed purchased Staten-Island. N. B. The 
same Michael raw had what the Dutch called a colonic at Pavonia, 
on the Jersey shore, opposite New-York, and his overseer, in 1636, 
was named Corns. Van Vorst — a person of the same name, in 1769, 
owned Pawles Hook, and a large farm at Pavonia, and is a lineal 
*3escendant from Van Vorst." 

^ So called from the Navesink tribe of Indians that inhabited these 
parts— at present they are erroueously denominated the Neversink, or 
Meveisunk mountains. 

+ i. e. Tlie winding Bay, named from the winding of its shores. 
This has since been corrupted by the vulgar into the Wallabout, and 
IS the basin which shelters our infant navy. 



'i24 HISTORY OF 

}.y the fearless Jacobus Varra Vanger, and had . moreover, 
a jolly band of Breukelen * ferrymen, who performed a 
brave concerto on conch-shells. 

But I refrain from pursuing this minute description, 
which goes on to describe the warriors of Bloemen-dale, 
and Wee-hawk, and Hoboken, and sundry other places, 
well known in history and song — for now does the sound 
of martial music alarm the people of New-Amsterdam, 
sounding afar from beyond the walls of the city. But this 
alarm was in a little time relieved, for lo, fiom the midst 
of a vast cloud of dust, tliey recognised the brimstone 
coloured breeches, and splendid silver leg of Peter Stuy- 
vesant, glaring in the sunbeams ; and beheld him ap- 
proaching at the head of a formidable army, which he had 
mustered along the banks of the Hudson. And here the 
excellent but anonymous writer of the Stuyvesant manu- 
script breaks out into a brave and glorious description of 
the forces, as they defiled through the principal gate of 
the city that stood by the head of Wall-street. 

First of all came the Van Bummels, who inhabit the 
pleasant borders of the Bronx. These were short fat men, 
wearing exceeding large trunk breeches, and are renowned 
for feats of the trencher : they were the first inventors of 
suppawn or mush and milk. — Close in the rear marched 
the Van V^lotens, of Kaats-Kill, most horrible quaffers of 
new cider, and an-ajit braggarts in their liquor. — -After 
them came the Van Pelts of Groodt Esopus, dexterous 
horsemen, mounted upon goodly switch-tailed steeds of 
the Esopus breed : these were mighty hunters of minks 
and musk rats, whence came the word Peltry. — T^en the 
Van Nests of Kindcrhoeck, valiant robbers of birds' nests, 
as their name denotes : to these, if report may be believed 
are we indebted for the invention of slap-jack?, or buck- 
wheat cakes. — Then the Van Higginbottoms of Wapping's 
Creek : these came armed with ferules and birchen rods, 
being a race of schoolmasters, who first discovered the 
marvellous sympathy between the scat of honour and the 
seat of intellect, and that the shortest way to get know- 
ledge into the head was to hammer it in at the bottom.— 
Then the Van Grolls, of Anthony's Nose, who carried 
theii- liquor in fau- round little pottles, by reason they 

• Now Sj)elt Brooklyn. 



NEW YORK. 225 

could not bouse it out of their canteens, having sucli rare 
long noses. — Then the Gardeniers, of Hudson and there- 
abouts, distinguished by many triumphant feats, such as 
robbing water-melon patches, smoking rabbits out of their 
holes, and the like, and by being great lovers of roasted 
pigs' tails ; these were the ancestors of the renowned 
congress-man of that name. — ^Then the Van Hoesens of 
Sing-Sing, great choristers and players upon the Jew's- 
harp : these marched two and two, singing the great song 
of St. Nicholas — then the Couenhovens, of Sleepy Hollow: 
these gave birth to a jolly race of publicans, who first 
discovered the magic artifice of conjuring a quart of wine 
into a pint bottle. Then the Van Kortlands, who lived on 
the wild banks of the Croton, and were great killers of 
wild ducks, being much spoken of for their skill in shoot- 
ing with the long-bow. —Then the Van Bunschotens, of 
Nyack and Kakit, who were the first that did ever kick 
with the left foot : they were gallant bush-whackers, and 
hunters of racoons by moonlight.— Then the Van Winkles, of 
Haerlem, potent suckers of eggs, and noted for the running 
of horses, and running up of scores at taverns ; they were 
the first that ever winked with both eyes at once. — Lastly, 
came the Knickerbockers, of the great town of 
Schahtitoke, where the folk lay stones upon the houses in 
windy weather, lest they should be blown av.ay. These 
derive their name, as some say, from Knicker^ to shake, 
and BekeVy a goblet, indicating thereby tiiat they were 
sturdy toss-pots of yore; but, in truth, it was derived from 
KnickeVy to nod, and Boken^ books, plainly meaning that 
they were great nodders or dozers over books : from them 
did descend the writer of this history. 

Such was the legion of sturdy bush-beaters that poured 
in at the grand gate of New-Amsterdam. The Stuyvesant 
manuscript, indeed, speaks of many more, whose names I 
omit to mention, seeing that it behoves me to hasten to 
matters of greater moment. Nothing could surpass the 
joy and martial pride of the lion-hearted Peter, as he 
reviewed this mighty host of warriors 5 and he determined 
no longer to defer the gratification of his much wished-for 
revenge upon the scoundrel Swedes at Fort Casimir. 

But before I hasten to record those unmatchable events 
which will be found in the sequel of this faithful history, 
let me pause to notice the fate of Jacobus Von Potfcn* 



226 HISTORY OF 

bur^h, the discomfited commander-in-chief of the ainiies 
of the New-Netherlands. Such is the inherent unchari- 
tableness of human nature, tJiat scarcely did the news 
become public of his deplorable discomfiture at Fort 
Casimir, than a thousand scurvy rumours were set afloat 
in New-Amsterdam ; wherein it was insinuated, that he 
had in reality a treacherous understanding with the Swe- 
dish commander ; that he had long been in the practice of 
privately communicating with the Swedes ; together with 
divers hints about *' secret service money," — to all which 
deadly charges I do not give a jot more credit than I think 
they deserve. 

Certain it is, that the general vindicated his character 
by the most vehement oaths and protestations, and put 
every man out of the ranks of honour who dared to doubt 
his integrity. Moreover, on returning to New-Amster- 
dam, he paraded up and down the streets with a crew of 
hard swearers at his heels, — sturdy bottle companions, 
whom he gorged and fattened, and who were ready to 
bolster him through all the courts of justice, — heroes of 
ills own kidney, tierce whiskered, bioad shouldered, col- 
brand looking swaggerers, not one of whom but looked as 
though he could eat up an ox, and pick his teeth with the 
horns. These life-guard men quarrelled all his quarrels, 
were ready to fight all his battles, and scowled at every 
man that turned up his nose at the general as though they 
would devour him alive. Their conversation was inter- 
spersed with oalhs like minute guns, and every bombastic 
rhodomontade was rounded off by a thundering execra- 
tion, like a patriotic toac-t honoured with a discharge of 
artiUery. 

All these valorous vapourings had a considerable effect 
in convincing certain profound sages, many of whom began 
to think the general a hero of unutterable loftiness and 
magnanimity of soul, particularly as he was continu- 
ally protesting on tlie honour of a soldier, — a marvellously 
high sounding asseveration. Nay, one of the members 
of the council went so far as to propose they should 
immortalize him by an imperishable statue of plaster of 
Paris. 

But the vigilant Peter the Headstrong was not thus to 
be deceived. Sending privately for the commander-in- 
chief of all the armies, and having heard all his t^toij 



NEW YORK. 227 

garnished with the customary pious oaths, protestations, 
and ejaculations — " Harkee, comrade," cried he, *' though 
by your own account you are the most brave, upright, 
and honourable man in the whole province, yet do you lie 
under the misfortune of being damnably traduced and 
immeasurably despised. Now though it is certainly hard 
to punish a man for his misfortunes, and though it is 
very possible you are totally innocent of the crimes laid to 
your charge ; yet as heaven, at present, doubtless for some 
wise purpose, sees tit to withhold all proofs of your inno- 
cence, far be it from me to counteract its sovereign will. 
Beside, I cannot consent to venture my armies with a com- 
mander whom they despise, or to trust the welfare of my 
people to a champion whom they distrust. Retire there- 
fore, my friend, from the irksome toils and cares of public 
life, with this comforting reflection — that if you be guiKy, 
you are but enjoying your just reward — and if innocent 
that you are not the tirst great and good man, who has 
most wrongfully been slandered and maltreated in this 
wicked world — doubtless to be better treated in a bettei- 
world, where there shall neither be error, calumny, nor 
persecution. In the mean time let me never see your face 
again, for 1 have a horrid antipathy to the countenances of 
unfortunate great men like yourself." 



f 



CHAP. V. 



In which the Author discourses very ingeniously of him- 

»elf.— After ivhich is to be found much interesting History 

about Peter tlie Headstrong and his followers. 

As my readers and myself are about entering on as many 
perils as ever a confederacy of meddlesome knights-errant 
wilfully ran their heads into ; it is meet that, like those 
hardy adventurers, we should join hands, bury all diffe- 
rences, and swear to stand by one anothei-, in weal, vr 
woe, to the end of the enterprise. My readers must doubr- 
less perceive how completely 1 have altered my tone and 
deportment since we first set out together. 1 warrant 
they then thought me a crabbed, cynica > impertinent ittle 
son of a Dutchman j for I scarce.y ever gave them a civil 



228 HISTORY of 

word, nor so much as touched my beaver, when I had 
occasion to address them. But as we jogged along together, 
in the high road of my history, I gradually began to relax, 
to grow more courteous, and occasionally to enter into 
familiar discourse ; until, at length, I came to conceive a 
most social, companionable kind of regard for them. This 
is just my way— I am always a little cold and reserved 
at first, particularly to people whom I neither know nor 
care for ; and am only to be completely won by long 
intimacy. 

Besides, why should I have been sociable to the crowd 
of how-d'ye-do acquaintance, that flocked around me at 
my first appearance ? Many were merely attracted by a 
new face ; and having stared me full in the title-page, 
walked off without saying a word ; while others lingered 
yawningly through the preface, and having gratified their 
short-lived curiosity, soon dropped off one by one. But 
more especially to try their mettle, I had recourse to an 
expedient, similar to one which we are told was used by 
that peerless flower of chivalry, King Arthur ; who, before 
he admitted any knight to his intimacy, first required that 
he should show himself superior to danger or hardships, 
by encountering unheard-of mishaps, slaying some dozen 
giants, vanquishing wicked enchanters, not to say a word 
of dwarfs, hippogriffs, and fiery dragons. On a similar 
principle I cunningly led my readers, at the first sally, 
into two or three knotty chapters, where they were most 
wofuUy belaboured and buffeted by a host of pagan philo- 
sophers and infidel writers. Though naturally a very 
grave man, yet I could scarce refrain from smiling out- 
right at seeing the utter confusion and dismay of my 
valiant cavaliers— some dropped down dead (asleep) on 
the field ; others threw down my book in the middle of the 
first chapter, took to their heels, and never ceased scam- 
pering imtil they had fairly run it out of sight, when they 
stopped to take breath, to tell their friends what troubles 
they had undergone, and to warn all others from venturing 
on so thankless an expedition. Every page thinned my 
ranks more and more ; and of the vast multitude that first 
set out, but a comparatively few made shift to survive, in 
exceedingly battered condition, through the five introductory 
chapters. 

What then ! would yo" iiave had me ^^ke such sun- 



New YORK, 2'i9 

shine^ faint-hearted recreants to my bosom, at our first 
acquaintance? No, no; I reserved my friendship for 
those who deserved it j for those who undauntedly bore 
me company, in despite of difficulties, dangers, and 
fatigues. And now, as to those who adhere to me at pre- 
sent, I take them affectionately by the hand. Worthy 
and thrice beloved readers ! brave and well-tried comrades ! 
who have faithfully followed my footsteps through all my 
wanderings — I salute you from my heart — I pledge myself 
to stand by you to the last ; and to conduct you (so 
heaven speed this trusty weapon which I now hold between 
my fingers), triumphantly to the end of this our stupendous 
undertaking. 

But, hark ! while we are thus talking, the city of New 
Amsterdam is in a bustle. The gallant host of warriors 
encamped in the Bowling Green are striking their tents ; 
the brazen trumpet of Anthony Von Corlear makes the 
welkin to resound with portentous clangour — the drums 
beat — the standards of the Manhattoes, of Hell-gate, and 
of Michael Paw, wave proudly in the air. And now 
behold where the mariners are busily employed, hoisting 
the sails of yon top-sail schooner, and those two clump 
liuilt Albany sloops, which are to waft the army of the 
Nederlanders to gather immortal honours on the Delaware ! 
The entire population of the city, man, woman, and 
child, turned out to behold the chivalry of New-Amster- 
dam, as it paraded the streets previous to embarkation. 
Many a handkerchief was waved out of the windows; 
many a fair nose was blown in melodious sorrow on the 
mournful occasion. The grief of the fair dames and beau- 
teous damsels of Grenada could not have been more voci- 
ferous o-n the banishment of the gallant trihe of Abencer- 
rages than was that of the kind-hearted fair ones (»f New- 
Amsterdam, on the departure of their intrepid waiiiors. 
Every lovesick maiden fondly crammed the pockets of 
her hero with gingerbread and dough nuts — many a cop- 
per ring was exchanged, and crooked sixpence broken, in 
pledge of eternal constancy — and there remain extant to 
this day some love verses written on that occasion, suffi- 
ciently crabbed and incomprehensible to confound the 
whole universe. 

But it was a moving sight to see the buxom lasses, how 
they hung about the doughty Anthony Von Corlear ; fur 

X 



230 HISTORY OF 

he was a jolly, rosy-faced, lusty bachelor, fond of his 
joke, and withal a desperate rogue avnou^ the women. Fain 
would they have kept him to comfort them while the army 
was away ; for beside what I have said of him, it is no 
more than justice to add, that he was a kind-hearted soul, 
noticed for his benevolent attentions in comforting dis- 
consolate wives during the absence of their husbands j and 
this made him to be very much regai-ded by the honest 
burghers of the city. But nothing could keep the valiant 
Anthony from following the heels of the old governor, 
whom he loved as he did his very soul — so embracing all 
the young vrouws, and giving every one of them that had 
good teeth and rosy lips a dozen hearty smacks ; he 
departed loaded with their kind wishes. 

Nor was the departure of the gallant Peter among the 
least causes of public distiess. Though the old governor 
was by no means i.idulgent to the follies and wayward- 
ness of his subjects, yet somehow or othei- he had become 
strangely popular among the people. There is something 
so captivating in personal bravery, that, with the common 
mass of mankind, it takes the lead of most other merits. 
The simple folk of New-Amsterdam looked upon Peter 
Stuyvesant as a prodigy of valour. His wooden-leg, that 
trophy of his martial encounters, was regarded with reve- 
rence and admiration. Every old burgher had a budget of 
miraculous stories to tell about the exploits of Hard-kop- 
pig Piet, wherewith he regaleil his children on a long 
winter night j and on which he dwelt with as much 
delight and exaggeration as do our honest country yeomen 
on the hardy adventures of old General Putnam (or, as he 
is familiarly termed. Old Pwif), during our glorious revolu- 
tion. Not an individual but verily believed the old 
governor was a match for Beelzebub himself 5 and there 
was even a story told, with great mystery, and under the 
rose, of his having shot the devil with a silver bullet one 
dark stormy night, as he was sailing in a canoe through 
Hell-gate. But this I do not record as an absolute fact- 
perish the man who would let fall a drop to discolour the 
pure stream of history ! 

Certain it is, not an old woman in New-Amsteidani but 
considered Peter Stuyvesant as a tower of strength, and 
rested satisfied that the public welfare was secure so long 
as he was in the city. It is not sinprising then that thty 



NEW YORK. 231 

looked upon his departure as a sore afflrctioii. With 
neavy hearts they draggled at the heels of his tro<>p, as 
they marched down to the river side to embark. The 
governor from the stern of his schooner, gave a short but 
truly patriarchial addre-s to his citizens, wherein he re- 
commended them to comport like loyal and peaceful sub- 
jects — to go to church regularly on Sundays, and to mind 
their business al' thie week besides ■ — That the women 
should be dutiful and affectionate to their husbands- 
looking after nobody's concerns but their own : eschew 
ing all gossipings and morning gaddings ; and carrying 
short tongues and long petticoats. That the men should 
abstain from intermeddling in public concerns, entrusting 
the cares of government to the ofHcers appointed to sup- 
port them — staying at home; like good citizens, making 
money for themseives, and getting children for the benefit 
of their country. That the burj^o masters should look well 
to the public interest — not opprtssing the poor, or indulg- 
ing tho ricli — not tasking thei:- security to devise new 
laws, but faithfully enfurcmg those which were already 
made — rather bending their attention to prevent evil than 
to punish it J ever recollecting that civil magistrates should 
consider themselves more as guardians of public morals 
than rat catchers employed to entrap public delinquents. 
Finally, he exhorted them, one and all, high and low, rich 
and poor, to conduct themselves as well as they could : 
assuring them that if they faithfully and conscientiously 
complied with this golden rule, there was no danger but 
that they would all conduct themselves well enough. — 
This done, he gave them a paternal benediction ; the 
sturdy Anthony sounded a most loving farewell with his 
trumpet, the jolly crews put up a lusty shout of triumph, 
and the invincible armada swept oil" proudly down the bay. 
The good people of New-Amsterdam crowded down 
to the Battery — that blest resort, from whence so many a 
tender prayer has been wafted — so many a fair hand 
waved— so many a tearful look been cast by lovesick 
damsel, after the lessening bark which bore her adven- 
turous swain to distant climes '.—Here the populace 
Avatched with straining eyes the gallant squadron, as it 
slowly floated down the bay ; and when the intervening 
land at the Narrows shut it from their sight, gradually 
dispeased with silent tongues and downcast countenances. 



232 HISTORY or 

A heavy gloom hung over the late bustling city — the 
honest burghei's smoked their pipes in profound thougbt- 
fuhiess, casting many a wistful look on the weathercock 
on the church of St. Nicholas 5 and all the old women, 
having no longer the presence of Petei' Stuyvesant to 
hearten them, gathered their children home, and barricadoed 
the doors and windows every evening at sundown. 

In the meanwhile the armada of the sturdy Peter pro- 
ceeded prosperously on its voyage, and after encountering 
about as many storms and water-spouts and whales, and 
other horrors and phenomena as generally befal adventu- 
rous landsmen, in perilous voyages of the kind ; and after 
undergoing a severe scouring from that deplorable and 
unpitied malady called sea-sickness J the whole squadron 
arrived safely in the Delaware. 

Without so much as dropping anchor and giving his 
wearied ships time to breathe after labouring so long in 
the ocean, the intrepid Peter pursued his course up the 
Delaware, and made a sudden appearance before Fort 
Casimir. Having summoned the astonished garrison by 
a terrific blast from the trumpet of the long-winded Van 
Corlear, he demanded, in a tone of thunder, an instant 
surrender of the fort. To this demand, Suen Scutz, the 
ivind-dried commandant, replied in a shrill, whiffling 
voice, which, by reason of his extreme spareness, sounded 
like the wind whistling through a broken bellows — *' that 
he had no very strong reasons for refusing, except that the 
demand was particularly disagreeable, as he had been 
ordered to maintain his post to the last extremity." He 
requested time therefore to consult with Governor Risingh, 
and proposed a truce for that purpose. 

The choleric Peter, indignant at having his rightful fort 
so treacherously taken from him, and thus pertinaciously 
withheld, refused the proffered armistice, and swore by 
the pipe of St. Nicholas, which like the sacred fire was 
never extinguished, that unless the fort were surrendered 
in ten minutes, he would incontinently storm the works, 
make all the garrison run the gauntlet, and split their 
scoundrel of a commander, like a pickled shad. To give 
this menace the greater effect, he drew forth his trusty 
sword, and shook it at them with such a fierce and vigo- 
rous motion, that doubtless, if it had not been exceeding 
rusty, it would have lightened tenor into the eyes and 



NEW YORK. 233 

hearts of ihe enemy. He then ordered liis men to bring 
a broadside to bear upon the fort, consisting of two swivels, 
three muskets, a long duck fowling-piece, and two brace of 
horse jiistols. 

In the meantime the sturdy Van Corlear marshalled 
all his forces, and commenced his warlike operations. 
Distending his cheeks like a very Boreas, he kept up a 
most horrific twanging of his trumpet — the lusty choristers 
of Sing-Sing broke forth into a hideous song of battle — 
the warriors of Breukelen and the VVacl-bogtig blew a 
potent and astounding blast on their coucii-shells : all 
together forming as outrageous a concerto as though five 
thousand French orchestras were displaying their skill in a 
modern overture. 

Whether the formidable front of war, thus suddenly 
presented, smote the garrison with sore dismay, or whether 
the concluding terms of the summons, which mentioned 
that he should surrender " at discretion," were mistakes 
by Suen Scutz, who, though a Swede, was a very consi- 
derate, easy-tempered man, as a compliment to his dis- 
cretion, I will not take upon me to say 5 certain it is, he 
found it impossible to resist so courteous a demand. 
Accordingly in the very nick of time, just as the cabin- 
boy had gone after a coal of fire to discharge the swivel, 
a chamade was beat on the rampart by the only drum i.i 
the garrison, to the no small satisfaction of both parties; 
who, notwithstanding their great stomach for fighting, had 
full as good an inclination to eat a quiet dinner as to ex- 
change black eyes and bloody woses. 

Thus did this impregnable fortress once more return to 
the domination of their high mightinesses 5 Scutz and his 
garrison of twenty men were allowed to march out with 
the honours of warj and the victorious Peter, who was 
as generous as bra^e, permitted them to take possession of 
all their arms and ammunition, the same, on inspection, 
being found totally unfit for service, having long rusted in 
the magazine of the fortress, even before it was wrested by 
the Swedes from the magnanimous but windy Von Pof- 
fenburgh. But I must not omit to mention, that the 
governor was so well pleased with the services of his faith- 
ful squire, Van Corlear, in the reduction of this great 
fortress, that he made him on the spot lord of a goodly 



234 HISTORY OF 

domain in the vicinity of New Amsterdam, which goes by 
the name of Corlear's Hook unto this vei-y day.* 

The unexampled liberality of the valiant Stuyvesant 
towards the Swedes occasioned great surprise in the city of 
New Amsterdam ; nay, certain of those factious indivi- 
duals, who had been enlightened by the political meetings 
that prevailed during the days of William the Testy, but 
who had not dared to indulge their meddlesome habits 
under the eye of their present ruler, now emboldened by 
his absence, dared even to give vent to their censures in 
the streets — murmurs were heard in the very council 
chamber of New Amsterdam ; and there is no knowing 
whether they would not have broken out into downright 
speeches and invectives, had not Peter Stuyvesant pri- 
vately sent home his walking staff, to be laid as a mace 
on the table of the council chamber, in the midst of nis 
counsellors ; who, like wise men, took the hint, and for 
ever after held their peace. 

^♦**'**'**^^ 

CHAP. VI. 

Showing the great advantage that the Author Jia^ over 

his Header in time of Battle — together with divers 

portentous movements; which betoken that something 

terrible is about to happen. 

Like as a mighty alderman, when at a corporation feast 
the first spoonful of turtle soup salutes his palate, feels his 
impatient appetite but tenfold quickened, and redoubles 
his vigorous attacks upon the tureen, while his voracious 
eyes projecting from his head, roll greedily round, devour- 
ing every thing at table — so did the mettlesome Peter 
Stuyvesant feel that intolerable hunger for martial glory, 
which raged within his very bowels, inflamed by the cap- 
ture of Fort Casimir, and nothing could allay it but the 
conquest of all New Sweden. No sooner therefore had 
he secured his conquest, than he stumped resolutely on, 

*De Vriez makes mention, in one of his voyages, of Corieai's 
iioeck, and Corlears Flanlagie, or Bouwery. 



i 



NEW YORK. 236 

fltished with success, to gatner fresh laurels at Fort 
Christina.* 

This was the grand Swedish post, established on a small 
river (or as it is more improperly termed, creek) of the 
same name ; and here that crafty governor, Jan Risingh, 
lay grimly drawn up, like a grev-bearded spider in the 
citadel of his web. 

But before we hurry into the direful scenes that must 
attend the meeting of two such powerful chieftains, it is 
advisable that we pause for a moment, and hold a kind of 
warlike council. Battle should not be rushed into pre- 
cipitately by the historian and his readers any more than 
by the general and his soldiers. The great commanders 
of antiquity never engaged the enemy without previously 
preparing the minds of their followers by animating haran- 
gues ; spiriting them up to heroic feelings, assuring them 
of the protection of the gods, and inspiring them with a 
confidence in the prowess of their leaders. So the his- 
torian should awaken the attention and enlist the passions 
of his readers, and having set them all on fire with the 
importance of his subject, he should put himself at their 
head, flourish his pen, and lead them on to the thickest of 
the fight. 

An illustrious example of this rule may be seen in that 
mirror of historians, the immoi'tal Thucydides. Having 
arrived at the breaking out of the Peloponnesian war, one 
of his commentators observes, that " he sounds the charge 
in all the disposition and spirit of Homer. He catalogues 
the allies on both sides. He awakens our expectations, 
and fast engages our attention. All mankind are con- 
cerned in the important point now going to be decided. 
Endeavours are made to disclose futurity. Heaven itself 
is interested in the dispute. The earth totters, and nature 
seems to labour with the great event. This is his solemn, 
sublime manner of setting out. Thus he magnifies a war 
between two, as Rapin calls them, petty states ; and thus 
artfully he supports a little subject by treating it in a great 
and noble method. "f 

In like manner, having conducted my readers into the 

• This is at present a flourtshing town ca. led Christiana, or Chiis. 
teeii, about thirty-seven miles from Philadelphia, on the post road to 
Baltimore. 

+ Smith's Thucyd. Vol. I. p. Ixx. 



236 niexoRY of 

very teeth of peiil — having followed the adventurous Peter 
and his band in(o foreign regions — suirounded by foes, 
and stunned by the horrid din of arms — at this important 
moment, while darkness and doubt hang o'er each coming 
chapter, 1 hold it meet to harangue them, and prepare 
them for the events that are to follow. 

And here I would premise one great advantage which, 
as the historian, I possess over my readers 5 and this it is 
— that though I cannot save the life of my favourite hero, 
nor absolutely contradict the event of a battle (both 
which liberties, though often taken by the French writers 
of the present reign, 1 hold to be utterly unworthy of a 
scrupulous historian), yet I can uow and then make him 
bestow on his enemy a sturdy back-stroke sufficient to 
fell a giant ; though in honest truth, he may never have 
done any thing of the kind — or I can drive his antagonist 
clear round and round the field, as did Homer make that 
fine fellow Hector scamper like a poltroon round the walls 
of Troy ; for which, if ever they have encountered one 
another in the Elysian fields, I'll warrant the prince of 
poets has had to make the most humble apology. 

I am aware that many conscientious readers will be 
ready to cry out " foul play !" whenever I render a little 
assistance to my hero — but I consider it one of those 
privileges exercised by historians of all ages — and one 
which has never been disputed. In fact, an historian is, 
as it were, bound in honour to stand by his hero — the 
fame of the latter is entrusted into his hands, and it is his 
duty to do the best by it he can. Never was there a 
general, an admiral, or any other commander, who, in 
giving an account of any battle that he had fought, did 
not sorely belabour the enemy ; and I have no doubt 
that, had my heroes written the history of their own 
achievements, they would have dealt much harder blows 
than any that I shall recount. Standing forth, therefoie, 
as the guardian of their fame, it behoves me to do them 
the same justice they would have done themselves; and 
if I happen to be a little hard upon the Swedes, 1 give 
free leave to any of their descendants, who may write a 
history of the State of Delaware, to take fair retaliation, 
and belabour Peter Stuyvesant as hard as they please. 

Therefore stand by for broken heads and bloody noses 
—my pen has long itched for a battle — siege after siege 



NEW YORK 233 

have I carried on, without blows or bloodshed j but now 
I have at length got a chance, and I vow to heaven and 
St. Nicholas, that, let the chronicles of the times say what 
they please, neither Sallust, Livy, Tacitus, Polybius, nor 
any other battlemonger of them all, did ever record a 
fiercer fight than that in which my valiant chieftains are 
now about to engage. 

And you, oh most excellent readers, whom, for your 
faithful adherence, I could cherish in the warmest corner 
of my heart — be not uneasy — trust the fate of our favourite 
Stuyvesant to me — for by the rood, come what may, I'll 
stick by Hard-koppig Piet to the last ; Til make him 
drive about these losels vile, as did the renowned Launce- 
lot of the Lake, a herd of recreant Cornish knights j and 
if he does fall, let me never draw my pen to fight another 
battle, in behalf of a brave man^ if I don't make these 
lubberly Swedes pay for it ! 

No sooner had Peter Stuyvesant arrived before fort 
Christina than he proceeded without delay to entrench 
himself, and immediately on running his first parallel, 
despatched Anthony Van Corlear to summon the fortress 
to surrender. Van Corlear was received with all due for- 
mality, hoodwinked at the portal, and conducted through 
a pestiferous smell of salt fish and onions, to the citadel, 
a substantial hut built of pine logs. His eyes were here 
uncovered, and he found himself in the august presence of 
Governor Risingh. This chieftain, as 1 have before noted, 
was a very giantly man ; and was clad in a coarse blue 
coat, strapped round the waist with a leathern belt, which 
caused the enormous skirts and pockets to set off with a 
very warlike sweep. His ponderous legs were cased in a 
pair of foxy-coloured jack boots, and he was straddling in 
the attitude of the Colossus of Rhodes, before a bit of 
broken looking glass, shaving himself with a villainously 
dull razor. This afflicting operation caused him to make 
a series of horrible grimaces, that heightened exceedingly 
the grisly terrors of his visage. On Anthony Van Cor- 
lear's being announced, the grim commander paused for a 
moment, in the midst of one of his most hard-favoured 
contortions, and after eyeing him askance over the shoulder 
with a kind of snarling grin on his countenance, resumed 
his labours at the glass. 

This iron harvest being reaped, he turned once more to 



?38 HiSTORY Of 

tlie trumpetei, and demanded the purport of his errand. 
Anthony Van Corlear delivered in a few words, being a 
kisid of short-hand speaker, a l(»n^ message from his excel- 
lency, recounting liie whole hi.>tojy of the province, with a 
recapitulation of grievances, and enumerations of claims, 
and concluded with a peremptory demand of instant 
surrender •, which done, he turned aside, look his nose 
between his thumb and finger, and blew a tremendous 
blast, not unlike the flourish of a trumpet of defiance; 
which it had doubtless learned from a long and intimate 
neighbourhood with that melodious instrument. 

Governor Risingh heaid him through, trumpet and all, 
but with infinite impatience 5 leaning at timts, as was his 
usual custom, on the pommel of his sword, and at times 
twirling a huge steel watch chain, or snapping his fingers. 
Van Corlear having finished, he bluntly replied, that Peter 
Stuyvesant and his summons might go to the d- 1, 

whither he hoped to send him and his crew of ragamuffins 
before supper time. Then unsheathing his brass hilted 
sword, and throwing away the scabbard — " Fore gad," 
quod he, " but I will not sheathe thee again until I mak^ 
a scabbard of the smoke-dried, leathern hide of this runna- 
gate Dutchman." Thei* having flung a fierce defiance 
in the teeth of his adversary, by the lips of his messenger, 
the latter was reconducted to the portal with all the cere- 
monious civility due to the trumpeter, squire, and ambas- 
sador of so great a commander ; and being again unblinded, 
was courteously dismissed with a tvreak of the nose to 
assist him in recollecting his message. 

No sooner did the gallant Peter receive this insolent 
reply, than he let fly a tremendous volley of red-hot exe- 
crations, that would infallibly have battered down the for- 
tifications, and blown up the powder magazine, about the 
ears of the fiery Swede, had not the rampaits been remark- 
ably strong, and the magazine bomb-proof. Perceiving 
that the works withstood this terrific blast, and that it was 
utterly impossible (as it really was in those unphilosophic 
days) to carry on a war with words, he oidered his merry 
men all to prepare for an immediate assault. But here a 
strange murmur broke out among his troops, beginning 
with the tribe of the Van Bummels, those valiant trencher- 
men of the Bronx, and spreading from man to man, accora- 
hf.rf':-'' v)|h certain mutinous looks and d-'icontented 



NEW YORK. . '230 

murmurs. For once in his life, aud only for once, did 
the great Peter turn pale ; for he verily thought his 
warriors were going to falter in this hour of perilous trial, 
and thus tarnish for ever the fame of the province of New 
Nederlandts. 

But soon did he discover, to his great joy, that in this 
suspicion he deeply wronged this most undaunted army ; 
for the cause of this agitation and uneasiness simply was, 
that the hour of dinner was at hand, and it would have 
almost broken the hearts of these regular Dutch warriors 
to have broken in upon the invariable routine of their 
habits. Beside, it was an established rule among our 
valiant ancestors always to fight upon a full stomach ; and 
to this may be doubtless attributed the circumstance that 
they came to be so renowned in arms. 

And now are the hearty men of the Manhattoes, and 
their no less hearty comrades, all lustily engaged under 
the trees, buffeting stovitly with the contents of their 
wallets, and taking such afiectionate embraces of their 
canteens and pottles as though they verily believed tliey 
were to be the last. And as I foresee we shall have hot 
work in a page or two, I advise my readers to do the same; 
for which purpose 1 will bring the chapter to a close ; 
giving them my word of honour, that no advantage shall 
be taken of this armistice, to surprise, or in any way 
molest, the honest Nederlanders while at their vigorous 
repast. 



CHAP. VII. 

Containing the most horrible Battle ever recorded in 
poetry or prose ; ivith the admirable Exploits of Peter 

the Headstrong. 

" Now had the Dutchmen snatched a huge repast," and 
finding themselves wonderfully encouraged and animated 
thereby, prepared to take the field. Expectation, says 
the writer of the St.uy vesant manuscript— Expectation now 
stood on stilts. The world forgot to turn round, or rather 
stood still, that it might witness the affray ; like a fat, 
round-bellied alderman, watching the combat of two chi- 



240 HISTORY or 

valric flies upon his jerkin. The eyes of all mankind, a» 
usual in such cases, were turned upon Fort Christina. 
The sun, like a little man in a crowd at a puppet-show, 
scampered about the heavens, popping his head here and 
there, and endeavouring to get a peep between the unman- 
nerly clouds, that obtruded themselves in his way. The 
historians filled their inkhorns— tl?e poets went without 
their diimers, either that they might buy paper and goose- 
quills, or because they could not get any thing to eat — ■ 
antiquity scowled sulkily out of its grave, to see itself out- 
done — while even posterity stood mute, gazing in gaping 
ecstacy of retrospection, on the eventful held. 

The immortal deities, who whilome had seen service at 
the " affair" of Troy — now mounted their feather-bed 
clouds, and sailed over the plain, or mingled among the 
combatants in different disguises, all itching to have a 
finger in the pie. Jupiter sent off his thunderbolt to a noted 
coppersmith, to have it furbished up for the direful occa- 
sion. Venus swore by her chastity she'd patronize the 
Swedes ; and in semblance of a blear-eyed trull, paraded 
the batllemeuts of Fort Christina, accompanied by Diana, 
as a Serjeant's widow of cracked reputation. The noted 
bully. Mars, stuck swo horse-pistols into his belt, shoul- 
dering a rusty firelock, and gallantly swaggering at their 
elbow as a drunken corporal — while Apollo trudged in 
their rear as a bandy-legged fifer, playing most villainously 
out of tune. 

On the other side, the ox-eyed Juno, who had gained a 
pair of black eyes overnight, in one of her curtain lectures 
with old Jupiter, displayed hci- haughty beauties on a bag- 
gage-waggon — Minerva, as a brawny gin-sutt!er, tucked 
up her skirts, brandished her firsts, and swore most heroi- 
cally, in exceeding bad Dutch (having but lately studied 
the language), by way of keeping up the spirits of the sol- 
diers } while Vulcan halted as a club-footed blacksmith, 
lately promoted to be a captain of militia. All was silent 
horror, or bustling preparation 5 war reared his horrid front, 
gnashed loud his iron fangs, and shook his direful crest of 
bristling bayonets. 

And now the mighty chieftains marshalled out their 
hosts. Here stood slout Risingh, firm as a thousand 
rocks — encrusted with stockades, and entrenched to the 
chin in mud batteries. — His artillery consisting of two 



NEW YORK. 241 

swivels and a carronade, loaded to the muzzle, the touch 
holes primed, and a whiskered bombadier stationed at 
each with lighted match \n hand, waiting the word. His 
valiant infantry lined the breast- work in grim array, each 
having his mustachios fiercely greased, and his hair poma- 
tumed back, and queued so stiffly that he grinned above 
the ramparts like a grisly death's head. 

There came on the intrepid Hard-koppig Piet, a second 
Bayard, without fear or reproach — his brows knit, his 
teeth clenched, his breath held hard, rushing on like ten 
thousand bellowing bulls of Bashan. His faithful squire, 
Van Corlear, trudged valiantly at his heels, with his 
trumpet gorgeously bedecked with red and yellow ribands, 
the remembrances of his fair mistresses at the Manhattocs. 
Then came waddling on his sturdy comrades, swarming 
like the myrmidons of Achilles. There were the Van 
Wycks and the Van Dycks and the Ten Eycks — the Van 
Nesses, the Van Tassels, I he Van Grolls, the Van Hcessens, 
the Van Giesons, and the Van Blarcoms. The Van Warts, 
the Van Winkles, (he Van Dams, the Van Ptits, the 
Van Rippers, and the Van Brunts. There were the Van 
Homes, the Van Hooks, the Van Bunschotens, the Van 
Gelders, the Van Arsdales, and the Van Bummels. The 
Vander Belts, the Vander Hoofs, and the Vander Voorts, the 
Vander Lyns, the Vander Pools, and the Vander Spie- 
gels; there came the Hoffmans, the Hooghlands, the 
Hoppers, the Cloppers, the Ryckmans, the Dyckmans, 
the Hogebooms, the Rosebooms, the Oothoufs, the Quack- 
enbosses, the Roerbacks, the Garrebrantzs, the Beiisons, 
the Brouvvers, the Waldrons, the Onderdonks, the Varra 
Vangers, the Schermerhorns, the Stoutenburghs, the Brin- 
kerhoffs, the Bontecous, the Knickerbockers, the Hock- 
sti'assers, the Ten Breecheses, and the Tough Breecheses, 
with a host of more valiant worthies, whose names are too 
crabbed to be written, or if they could be written, it would 
be impossible for man to utter — all fortified with a mighty 
dinner, and to u?« the words of a great Dutch pott, 

" Brimful of wrath and cabbage !" 

For an instant the mighty Peter paused in the midst ot 
his career, and mounting on a stump, addressed his troops 
in eloquent low Dutch, exhorting them to fight like duprels, 
and assuring them, that if they conquered they sliould got 

Y 



24^ HISTORY OF 

plenty of booty; if they fell, they should be allowed the 
unparalleled satisfaction, while dying, of reflecting that 
it was in the service of their country ; and after they were 
dead, of seeing their names inscribed in the temple of 
renown, and handed down in company with all the other 
great men of the year, for the admiration of posterity. 
Finally, he swore to them, on the word of a governor (and 
they knew him too well to doubt for a moment), that if 
he caught any mother's son of them looking pale, or play- 
ing craven, he'd curry his hide till he made him run out of 
it like a snake in spring-time. Then lugging out his trusty 
sabre, he brandished it three times over his head, ordered 
Van Corlear to sound a tremendous charge, and shouting 
the word " St Nicholas and the Manhattoes !" courageously 
dashed forwards. His warlike followers, who had employed 
the interval in lighting their pipes, instantly stuck them in 
their mouths, gave a furious puff, and charged gallantly un- 
der cover of the smoke. 

The Swedish garrison, ordered by the cunning Risingh 
not to fire until they could distinguish the whites of their 
assailants' eyes, stood in horrid silence on the covert-way, 
until the eager Dutchmen had ascended the glacis. Then 
did they pour into them such a tremendous volley, that 
the very hills quaked around, and were terrified even unto 
an incontinence of water, insomuch that certain springs 
burst forth from their sides, which continue to run unto 
the present day. Not a Dutchman but would have bitten 
the dust beneath that dreadful fire, had not the protecting 
Minerva kindly taken care that the Sv/edes should, one 
and all, observe their usual custom of shutting their eyes, 
and turning away their heads, at the moment of discharge. 

The Swedes followed up their fire, by leaplug the 
counterscarp, and falling tooth and nail upon the foe, with 
furious outcries. And now might be seen prodigies of 
valour, of which neither history nor song have ever 
recorded a parallel. Here was beheld the sturdy StofFel 
Brinkerhoff brandishing his lusty quarter-staff, like the 
terrible giant Blanderon his oak tree (for he scorned to 
carry any other weapon), and drumming an horrific tune 
upon the heads of whole squadrons of Swedes. There 
were the crafty Van Kortlandts, posted at a distance, 
like the Locrian archers of yore, and plying it most 
potently with the long-bow, for which they v.ere so justly 



NEW YORK,. 243 

leuowned. At another place was cdlUcted ou a i isiiig 
knoll the valiant men of Sing-Sing, who assisted marvel- 
lously in the fight, by chanting forth the great song of St. 
Nicholas; but as to the Gardeniers of Hudson, they 
were absent from the battle, having been sent out on a 
marauding p nty, to lay waste the neighbouring water- 
melon patches. • Iti a different part of the tield might be 
seen the Van Grolls of Anthony's nose; bul they were 
horribly perplexed in a dehle between two little hills, by 
reason of the length of their noses. There were the Van 
Bunschotens of Nyack and Kakiat, so renowned for 
kickino- with the left foot ; but their skill availed them little 
St present, being short of wind, in consequence of the 
hearty dinner they had eaten : and they would irretrievably 
have been put to rout, had they not been reinforced by a 
g:i!lant corps of VoUigeurSy composed of the Hoppers, 
who advanced to their assistance nimbly on one foot. Nor 
must I omit to mention the incomparable achievements of 
Anthony Von Corlear, who for a good quajter of an hour, 
wa|;ed stubborn fight wilh a little pursy Swedish drummer, 
whose hide he drummed most magnificently; and had 
he not come into the battle with no othei- weapon but his 
trumpet, would infallibly have put him to an untimely end. 

But now the combat thickened : on came the mighty 
Jacobus Varra Vanger, and the fighting men of the Wall- 
about ; after them thundered tiie Van Pelts of Esopus, 
togethervvith the Van Rippers and the V^an Brunts, bear- 
ing down all before them ; then the Suy Dams and the 
Van Dams, pressing forward with many a blustering oath, 
at the head of the warriors of Hell-gate, clad in their 
thunder and lightning gaberdi:ies ; and lastly, the standard- 
bearers and body-guards of Peter Stuyvesant, bearing the 
great beaver of the Manhattoes. 

And now commence the horrid din, the desperate 
struggle, the maddening ferocity, the frantic desperation, 
the confusion, and self-abandonment of war, Dutchman 
and Swede commingled, tugged, panted, and blowed. The 
heavens were darkened with a tempest of missives. Bang ! 
went the guns — whack 1 struck the broadswords — thump ! 
went the cudgels — crash ! went the musket-stocks-— blows 
— kicks-— cuffs — scratches— black eyes and bloody no.ses 
swelling the horrors of the scene ! I'hwick-thwack, cut 
and hack, helter-skelter, higgledy-piggedly, hurlev-burley, 

\2 



944 HISTORY or 

head over heels, rough and tumble ! — Dunder and blixum ! 

swore the Dutchman splitter and splutlter 1 cried the 

Swedes.— Storm the works ! shouted Hard-koppi^ Peter. 
Fire the mine ! roared out stout Risingh. — Tantara-ra-ra ! 
twangM the trumpet of Anthony Van Corlear- until all 
voice and sound became unintelligible ; grunts of pain, yells 
of fury, and shouts of triumph, commingled in one 
hideous clamour. The earth shook as if struck with a 
paralytic stroke—trees shrunk aghast, and withered at the 

sight rocks burrowed in the ground like rabbits, and 

even Christina-creek turned from its course, and ran up a 
mountain in breathless terror. 

Long hung the contest doubtful j for though a heavy 
shower of rain, sent by the "cloud (Tompelling Jove," in 
some measure cooled their ardour, as doth a bucket of 
water thrown on a group of fighting mastiffs, yet did they 
but pause for a moment, to return with tenfold fury to the 
charge, belabouring each other with black and bloody 
bruises. Just at this juncture was seen a vast and dense 
column of smoke, slowly rolling towards tDe scene of 
battle, which for a while made even the furious combatants 
to stay their arms in mute astonishment ; but the wind for 
a moment dispersing the murky cloud, from the midst 
thereof emerged the flaunting banner of the immortal 
Michael Paw. This noble chieftain came fearlessly on, 
leading a solid phalanx of oyster-fed Pavonians, who had 
remained behind, partly as a corps de resei've, and partly 
to digest the enormous dinner they had eaten. These 
sturdy yeomen, nothing daunted, did trudge manfully 
forward, smoking their pipes with outrageous vigour, so 
as to raise the awful cloud that has been mentioned ; but 
marching exceedingly slow, being short of leg, and of 
great rotundity in the belt. 

And now the protecting deities of the army of New 
Amsterdam, having unthinkingly left the field, and stepped 
into a neighbouring tavern to refresh themselves with a 
pot of beer, a direful catastrophe had well nigh chanced 
to befal the Nederlanders. Scarcely had the myrmidons 
of the puissant Paw attained the front of battle, before 
the Swedes, instructed by the cunning Risingh, levelled a 
shower of blows full at their tobacco pipes. Astounded 
at this unexpected assault, and totally discomfited at 
seeing their pipes broken, the valiant Dutchmen fell into 
vast confusion. Already they begin to fly like a frightened 



NEW YORK. 245 

drove of unwieldy elephants, they throw their own army 
in an uproar, bearing down a whole legion of little Hop- 
pers ; the sacred banner, on which is emblazoned the 
gigantic oyster of Communipaw, is trampled in the dirt •, 
the Swedes pluck up new spirits, and pressing on their 
rear, apply their feet, d parte poste^ with a vigour that pro 
iligiously accelerates their motions ; nor doth the renowned 
Paw himself fail to receive divers grievous and dishonoui 
able visitations of shoe-leather ! 

But what, oh Muse ! was the rage of the gallant Peter, 
when from afar he saw his army yield ? With a voice of 
thunder did he roar after his recreant warriors, putting up 
such a war-whoop as did the stern Achilles, when the 
Trojan troops were on the point of burning all his galleys. 
The men of the Manhattoes plucked up new courage wiien 
they heard their leader ; or ratlier they dreaded his fierce 
displeasure, of which they stood in more awe than of all the 
Swedes in Christendom ; but the daring Peter not waiting 
for their aid, plunged sword in hand, into the thickest of 
the foe. Then did he display some such incredible 
achievements as have never been known since the miracn- 
luus days of the giants. Wherever he went the enemy 
shrunk before him j with fierce impetuosity he pushed 
forward, driving the Swedes like do;^s, into their own 
ditch 5 but as he fearlessly advanced, the foe, like rushing 
waves which close upon the scudding bark, thronged upon 
his rear, and hung upon his flank with fearful peril. One 
crafty Swede, advancing warily on one side, drove his 
dastard sword full at the hero's heart ; but the protecting 
power that watches over the safety of all great and good 
men, turned aside the hostile blade, and directed it to a 
side pocket, where reposed an enormous iron tobacco-box, 
endowed, like the shield of Achilles, with supernatural 
powers, no doubt in consequence of its being piously 
decorated with a portrait of the blessed St. Nicholas. Thus 
was thedieadful blow repelled, but not without occasioning 
to the great Peter a fearful loss of wind. 

Like as a furious bear, when gored by worrying curs, 
tuins fiercely round, gnashes his teeth, and springs upon 
the foe, so did our liero turn upon the treacherous Swede. 
The miserable varlet sought in flight for safety ; but the 
active Peter, seizing him by an immeasurable queue, that 
da:!gled froui his head, — "Ah, whoreson caterpillar!" 



246 HISTORY or 

roared he, "here is what shall make clog's meat of thee !" 
So saying, he whirled his trusty sword, and made a blow 
that would have decapitated him, had he, like Briareus, 
half a hundred heads, but that the pitying steel struck 
short, and shaved a qneue for ever from his crown. At 
that very moment, a cunning arquebusier, perched on the 
summit of a neighbouring mound, levelled his deadly 
instrument, and would have sent the gallant Stuyvesant a 
wailing ghost to haunt the Stygian shore, had not the 
watchful Minerva, who had just stopped to tie up her 
garters, saw the great peril of her favourite chief, and 
despatched old Boreas with his bellows, who in the very 
nick of time, just as the direful match descended to the 
pan, gave such a lucky blast as blew all the priming from 
the touch-hole ! 

Thus he waged the horrid fight, when the stout Risingh, 
surveying the battle from the top of a little ravelin, per- 
ceived his faithful troops banged, beaten, and kicked by 
the invincible Peter. Language cannot describe the 
choler with which he was seized at the sight. He only 
stopped for a moment to disburden himself of five Ihou- 
fand anathemas ; and then drawing his immeasurable 
falchion, straddled down to the field of combat, with some 
such thundering strides as Jupiter is said by Hcsiod to 
have taken, when he strode down the spheres to hurl his 
thunderbolts at the Titans. 

No sooner did these two rival heroes come face to face, 
than they each made a prodigious start, such as is made 
by your most experienced stage champions. Then did 
they regard each other for a moment with bitter aspect, 
like two furious ram-cats on the very point of a clapper- 
clawing. Then did they throw themselves in one attitude, 
then in another, striking their swords on the ground, first 
on the right side, then on the left ; at last, at it they went, 
like five hundred houses on fire ! Words cannot tell the 
prodigies of strength and valour displayed on this direful 
encounter— an encounter, compared to which the far 
famed battles of A j ax with Hector, of iEneas with Turnus, 
Orlando with Rodomont, Guy of Warwick with Colbiand, 
the Dane, or of that renowned Welsh knight. Sir Owen 
of the Mountains with the giant Guylon, were all gentle 
sports and holiday recreations. At length the valiant 
Peter, watching his opportunity, aimed a fearful blow. 



NEW YORK. 247 

with Ihe full intention of cleaving his adversary to the 
very chine; but Risingh, nimbly raising his sword, warded 
it oft' so narrowly that, glancing on one side, it shaved 
away a huge canteen that he always carried swung on one 
side ; thence pursuing its trenchant course, it severed 
oft' a deep coat-pocket, stored with bread and cheese j 
all which dainties, rolling among the armies, occasioned 
a fearful scrambling between the Swedes and Dutchmen, 
and made the general battle to wax ten times more furious 
than ever. 

Enraged to see his military stores thus wofully laid 
waste, the stout Risingh, collecting all his forces, aimed a 
mighty blow full at the hero's crest. In vain did his fierce 
little cocked hat oppose its course j the biting steel clove 
through the stubborn ram beaver, and would infallibly 
have cracked his crown, but that the skull was of such 
adamantine hardness that the brittle weapon shivered into 
pieces, shedding a thousand sparks^ like beams of glory, 
round his grisly visage. 

Stunned with the blow, the valiant Peter reeled, tunied 
up his eyes, and beheld fifty thousand suns, besides moons 
and stars, dancing about the firmament: at length, missing 
his footing, by reason of Ws wooden leg, down he came 
on his seat of honour, with a crash that shook the sur- 
rounding hills, and would infallibly have wracked his ana- 
tomical system, had he not been received into a cushion 
softer than velvet, which Providence, or Minerva, or St. 
Nicholas, or some kindly cow, had benevolently prepared 
for his reception. 

The furious Risingh, in despite of that noble maxim, 
cherished by all true knights, that " fair play is a jewel," 
hastened to take advantage of the hero's fall ; but just as 
he was stooping to give the fatal blow, the ever vigilant 
Peter bestowed him a sturdy thwack over the sconce, with 
his wooden leg, that set some dozen chimes of bells rmg 
ing triple bobmajors in his cerebellum. The bewildered 
Swede staggered with the blow, and in the meantime the 
wary Peter, espying a pocket pistol lying hard by (wh ch 
had dropped from the wallet of his faithful squire and 
trumpeter, Van Corlear, during his furious encounter 
with the drummer), discharged it full at the head of the 
reeling Risingh. Let not my reader mistake — it was not 



248 HISTORY OF 

a murderous weapon loa»ie(l u illi powder and ball, hist a 
iillle slui<ty stone pottle, charged to the muzzle with a 
tioilble ihaui of (rue Duich courage, which the knowing 
Van Corlear always carried about him by way of reple- 
nishing his valour. The liideous missive sung through the 
air, and true to its course, as was the mighty fragment of a 
rock discharged at Hector by bully Aja\, encountered the 
huge head of the gigantic Swede with ujatchless violence. 

This heaven-directed blow decided the eventful battle. 
The ponderous pericianium of General Jan Risingh sunk 
upon his breast; his knees tottered under him; a death-like 
torpor seized upon his Titan frame, and he tumbled to the 
earth witli such tremendous \ iolence that old Pinto staited 
with affright, lest he should have broken through the roof 
of his iiilcrnal palace. 

His fall was the signal of defeat and victory. The 
Swedes gave way — the Dutch pressed forward — the former 
look to their heels — the latter holly pursued. Some ca- 
tered with them, pell mell, through the sallyport — others 
stormed the bastion, and others scrambled over the curtain. 
Thus in a little while the impregnable fortress of Fort 
Ciiristina, which, like another Troy, had stood a siege of 
full ten hours, was finally carried by assault, without the 
loss of a single man on either siile. Victory in the likeness 
of a gigantic ox-flV) sat peiched upon the corked hat of 
the gallant Stuyvesant ; and it was universally declared, 
by all the writers whom he hired to write the history of 
his txpeditioci, that on this memorable day he gained a 
sufficient quantity of glory to innuortalize a dozen of tl*e 
|!;reatest heroes In Christendom ! 



NEW YORK S4<) 



CHAP. YIII. 

In which the Author and the Reader^ while reposing 
after the Battle, fall into a very grave discourse— afiei 
which is recorded the conduct of Peter Stuyvesaut afiei 

his Victory. 

Thanks to St. Nicholas, we have safely finished this 
tremendous battle : let us sit down, my worthy reader, 
and cool ourselves, for I am in a prodigious sweat and 
ajjitation. Truly this fighting of battles is hot work ! and 
if your great commanders did but know what trouble they 
give their historians, they would not have the conscience 
to achieve so many horrible victories. But methinks I 
hear my reader complain, that throughout this boasted 
battle there is not the least slaughter, nor a single indi- 
vidual maimed, if we except the unhappy Swede, who 
was shorn of his queue by the trenchant blade of Peter 
Stuyvesaut 5 all which, he observes, is a great outrage on 
probability, and highly injurious to the interest of the 
narration. 

This is ca'tainly an objection of no little moment; but it 
arises entirely from the obscurity that envelopes the remote 
periods of time, about which I have undertaken to write. 
Thus, though doubtless, from the importance of the object, 
and the prowess of the parties concerned, there must have 
been terrible carnage and prodigies of valour displayed 
before the walls of Christina ; yet, notwithstanding that 
1 have consulted every history, manuscript, and tradition 
touching this memorable, though long forgotten battle, I 
cannot find mention made of a single man killed or wounded 
in the whole affair. 

This is, without doubt, owing to the extreme modesty 
of our forefathers, who, like their descendants, were never 
prone to vaunt of their achievements ; but it is a virtue 
that places their historian in a most embarrassing predica- 
ment ; for, having promised my readers a hideous and 
unparalleled batlle, and having worked them up into a 
warlike and blood-thirsty state of mind, to put them off 
without any havoc and slaughter was as bitter a disap- 
pointment as to summons a multitude of good people lo 



350f HISTORY OF 

attend an execution, aud iheu ciuelly baulk them by a 
reprieve. 

Had the inexorable fates only allowed me some half a 
score dead men, I had been content j for I would have made 
them such heroes as abounded in the olden time, but whose 
race is now unfortunately extinct. Any one of whom, if 
we may believe those authentic writers, the poets, could 
drive great armies like sheep before him, and conquer and 
desolate whole cities by his single arm. 

But seeing that I had not a single life at my disposal, 
all that was left me was to make the most I could of my 
battle, by means of kicks and cufFs and bruises, and such 
like ignoble wounds. And here I cannot but compare my 
dilemma, in some sort, to that of the divine Milton, who, 
having arrayed with sublime preparation his immortal 
hosts against each other, is sadly put to it, how to manage 
them, and how he shall make the end of his battle answer 
to the beginning; inasmuch as, being mere spirits, he can- 
not deal a mortal blow, nor even give a flesh wound to 
any of his combatants. For my part, the greatest diffi- 
culty I found was, when I had once put my warriors in a 
passion, and let them loose into the midst of the enemy, 
to keep them from doing mischief. Many a time had I 
to restrain the sturdy Peter, from cleaving a gigantic 
Swede to the very waistband, or spitting half a dozen 
little fellows on his sword, like so many sparrows. And 
when I had set some hundred of missives flying in the 
air, I did not dare to suffer one of them to reach the 
ground, lest it should have put an end to some unlucky 
Dutchman. 

The reader cannot conceive how mortifying it is to be a 
writer, thus in a manner to have his hands tied, and how 
many tempting opportunities I had to wink at, where I 
might have made as fine a death blow as any recorded in 
history or song. 

From my own experience, I begin to doubt most potently 
of the authenticity of many of Homer's stoiies. I verily 
believe that when he had once launched one of his favourite 
heroes among a crowd of the enemy, he cut down many an 
liunest fellow, withuut an) authority for so doing, excepting 
that he presented a fair u)ark — and that olten a poor devil 
was sent to grim Pluto's domains, mereiy because he had 



NEW YORK. '251 

a name that would give a sour.diiifif turn to a period. But 
1 disclaim all such uupt iucipled liberties — let me but have 
truth and the law on my side, and no man would fi^ht 
harder than myself : but since the various records I con- 
sulted did not warrant ky I had too much conscience to kill 
a single soldier. By St. Nicholas, but it would have been 
a pretty piece of business. My enemies, the critics, who 
I foresee will be ready enough to lay any crime they can 
discover at my door, might have charged me with murdei 
outright; and 1 should have esteemed myself lucky to 
have escaped with no haishei- verdict than manslaughter. 

And now, gentle reader, that Ave are tranquilly sitting 
down here smoking our pipes, permit me to indulge in a 
melancholy reflection which at this moment passes across 
my mind. How vain, how fleeting, how uncertain, are all 
those gaudy bubbles after which we are panting and toiling 
in this world of fair delusions! The wealth which the 
miser has amassed with so many weary days, so many 
sleepless nights, a spendthrift heir may squander away 
in joyless prodigality. The noblest monuments which pride 
has ever reared to perpetuate a name, the hand of time 
will shortly tumble into ruins; and even the brightest 
laurels, gained by feats of arms, may wither and be for 
ever blighted by the chilling neglect of mankind. " How 
many illustrious heroes," says the good Boetius, " who 
were once the pride and glory of the age, hath the silence 
of historians buried in eternal oblivion !" And this it was 
that induced the Spartans, when they weut to battle, 
solennily to sac ilice to the muses, supplicating that their 
achievements should be worthily recorded. Had not 
Homer tuned his lofty lyre, observes the elegant Cicero, 
the valour of Achilles bad remained unsung. And such 
too, after all tlie toils and perils he had braved, after all 
the gallant actions he had achieved, such too had nearly 
been the fate of the chivalric Peter Stuyvesant, but that I 
fortunately steppid in and engraved his name on the in- 
delible tablet of history, just as the caitift' Time was silently 
brushing it away for ever. 

The more I leflect the more I am astonislied at the 
important character of the historian. He is the sovereign 
censor, to decide upon the renown or infamy of his fellow- 
men. He is the patron of kings and conquerors, on whom 
it depends whether they shall live in after ages, of be 



3B2 HISTORY OF 

forgotten ae were their ancestors before them. The tyrant 
may oppress while the object of his tyranny exists ; but 
the historian possesses superior might, for his power ex- 
tends even beyond the grave. The shades of departed 
and long forgotten heroes anxiously bend down from 
above, while he writes, watching each movement of his 
pen, whether it shall pass by their names with neglect, or 
inscribe them on the deathless pages of renown. Even 
the drop of ink that hangs trembling on his pen, which he 
may either dash upon the floor, or waste in idle scrawlings 
— that very drop, which to him is not worth the twentieth 
part of a farthing, may be of incalculable value to some 
departed worthy — may elevate half a score, in one moment, 
to immortality, who would have given worlds, had they 
possessed them, to insure the glorious meed. 

Let not my readers imagine, however, that I am in- 
dulging in vain-glorious boastings, or am anxious to blazon 
forth the importance of my tribe. On the contrary, I 
shrink when I reflect on the awful responsibility we his- 
torians assume — I shudder to think what direful commo- 
tions and calamities we occasion in the world — 1 swear to 
thee, honest reader, as 1 am a man, 1 weep at the very 
idea ! Why, let me ask, are so many illustrious men 
daily tearing themselves away from the embraces of their 
families — slighting the smiles of beauty — despising the 
allurements of fortune, and exposing themselves to the 
miseries of war ? — Why are kings desolating empires and 
depopulating whole countries?— In short, what induces 
all great men, of all ages and countries, to commit so 
many victories and misdeeds, and inflict so many miseries 
upon mankind and on themselves, but the mere hope that 
some historian will kindly take them into notice, and ad- 
mit them into a corner of his volume. For, in short, the 
mighty object of all their toils, their hardships, and pri- 
vations, is nothing but immortal fame — and what is 

immortal fame? why, half a page of dirty paper! 

Alas! alas! how humiliating the idea — that the renown 
of so great a man as Peter Stuyvesant should depend 
upon the pen of so little a man as Diedrich Knicker 
bocker ! 

And now, having refreshed ourselves after the fatigues 
and perils of the field, it behoves us to return once more 
to the scene of conflict, and inquire what were the results 
of this renowned conquest. The fortress of Christina being 



\KW YORK., 25S 

the fair metiopolis, and in a manner the key to New 
Sweden, its capture was speedily followed by the entire 
subjugation of the province. This was not a little pro- 
moted by the gallant and courteous deportment of the 
chivalric Peter. Though a man terrible in battle, yet in 
the hour of victory was he endued with a spirit generous, 
merciful, and humane. — He vaunted not over his enemies, 
nor did he make defeat more galling by unmanly insults ; 
for like that mirror of kniglilly virtue, the renowned 
Paladin Orlando, he was more anxious to do great actions 
than to talk of them after they were done. He put no man 
to death ; ordered no houses to be burnt down j permitted no 
ravages to be perpetrated on the property of the vanquished j 
and even gave one of his bravest officers a severe admo- 
nition with his walking staff, for having been detected in 
the act of sacking a hen-roost. 

He moreover issued a proclamation, inviting the inha- 
bitants to submit to the authority of their high mighti- 
nesses ; but declaring, with unexampled clemency, that 
whoever refused should he lodged at the public expense, 
in a goodly castle provided for the purpose, and have an 
armed retinue to wait on them in the bargain. In conse- 
quence, of these beneficent terms, about thirty Swedes 
stepped manfully forward and took the oath of allegiance j 
in reward for which they were graciously permitted tc 
remain on the banks of the Delaware, where their descend- 
ants reside at this very day. But I am told by divers 
observant travellers, that they have never been able to get 
over the chap-fallen looks of their ancestors, and do still 
unaccountably transmit from father to son manifest marks 
of the sound drubbing given them by the sturdy Araster- 
dammers. 

The whole country of New-Sweden, having thus yielded 
to the arms of the triumphant Peter, was reduced to a 
colony called South River, and placed under the superin- 
tendence of a lieutenant-governor; subject to the control 
of the supreme government at New-Amsterdam. This 
great dignitary was called Mynheer William Beekman, or 
rather jBcc^-man, who derived his surname, as did Ovidiua 
NaK> of yore, for the lordly dimensions of his nose, which 



254 HISTORY OF 

projected from the centre of his countenance, like the beak 
of a parrot. He was the ^reat progenitor of the tribe of 
the Beekmans, one of the most ancient and honourable 
families of the province, the members of which do grate- 
fully commemorate the origin of their dignity, not as your 
noble families in England would do, by having a glowing 
proboscis emblazoned in their escutcheon, but by one and 
all wearing a right goodly nose, stuck in the very middle 
of their faces. 

Thus was this perilous enterprise gloriously terminated, 
with the loss of only two men : Wolfert Van Home, a 
tall spare man, who was knocked overboard by the boom 
of a sloop in a flaw of wind j and fat Brom Van Brummel, 
who was suddenly carried off by an indigestion : both, 
however, were immortalized, as having bravely fallen in 
the service of their country. True it is, Peter Stuyvesant 
had one of his limbs terribly fractured, being shattered to 
pieces in the act of storming the fortress j but as it was 
fortunately his wooden leg, the wound was promptly and 
effectually healed. 

And now nothing remains to this branch of my history, 
but to mention that this immaculate hero, and his victori- 
ous army, returned joyously lo the Manhattoes, marching 
under the shade of their laurels, as did the followers of 
young Malcolm, under the moving forest of Dunsinane. 
Thus did they make a solemn and triumphant entry into 
New Amsterdam, bearing with them the conquered Ri- 
singh, and the remnant of his battered crew, who had 
refused allegiance. For it appears that the gigantic Swede 
had only fallen into a swoon, at the end of the battle, from 
whence he was speedily restored by a wholesome tweak of 
the nose. 

These captive heroes were lodged, according to the 
promise of the governor, at the public expense, in a fair 
and spacious castle •, being the prison of state, of which 
Stoffel Brinkerhoff, the immortal conqueror of Oyster 
Bay, was appointed governor 5 and which has ever since 
remained in the possession of his descendants.* 

■ This castle, though very much altered and modernized, is still 
iu being, fcud stands at the corner of Pearl -street, facing Coeutie't 
Blip. 



NEW YORK. 255 

It was a pleasant and goodly sigrlit to witness the joy of 
the people of New Amsterdam, at behold hig their war- 
riors once more returned from this war in tlie wilderness. 
The old women thronged round Anthony Van (.orlear 
who gave the whole histoiy of the camgaign with match- 
less accuracy ; saving tiiat he took the credit of figiiting 
the whole battle himself, and especially of vanquishing the 
stout Risingh, which he considered himself as clearly 
entitled to, seeing that it Mas effected by his own stone 
pottle. 

The schoolmasters throughout the town gave holiday 
to their little urchins, who followed in droves after the 
drums, with paper caps on their heads, and sticks in their 
breeches, thus taking the first lesson in the art of war. 
As to the sturdy rabble, they thronged at the heels of 
Peter Sluyvesant wherever he went, waving their greasy 
hats in the air, and shouting « Hard-koppig Piet for 
ever !" 

It was, indeed, a day of roaring rout and jubilee, A 
huge dinner was prepared at the Stadthouse in honour of 
the conquerors, where were assembled in one glorious con- 
stellation, the great and the little luminaries of New-Am- 
sterdam. There were the lordly schout and his obsequi- 
ous deputy — the burgomasters with their officious schepens 
at their elbows— the subaltern officers at the elbows of the 
schepens ; and so on, to the lowest grade of illustrious 
hangers-on of police ; every tag having his rag at his side, 
to hnish his pipe, drink off his heel-taps, and laugh at his 
flights of immortal dullness. In short, for a city feast is a 
city feast all the world over, and has been a city feast ever 
since the creation ; the dinner went off much the same as 
do our gieat corporation junketings, and fourth of July 
banquets. Loads of fish, flesh, and fowl, were devoured, 
oceans of liquor drunk, thousands of pipes smoked, and 
many a dull joke honoured with much obstreperous fat- 
sided laughter, 

1 must not omit to mention, that to this far famed 
victory Peter Stuyvesant was indebted for another of his " 
many titles ; tor so hugely delighted were the honest 
burghers with his achievements, \hat they uaanimoufily 

z2 



256 HISTORY OF 

honoured him with the name of Pieter de Groodt, that is 
to say, Peter the Great, or, as it was translated by the 
people of New Amsterdam, Piet de Pig — an appellation 
which he maintained even unto the day of his death. 



NEW YORK. 



257 



BOOK SEVENTH. 

CONTAINING THE THIRD PART OF THE RFIGN OF 

PKTER THE H EADSTRONG-KIS TROtCLES WITH THE 

tRITISH NATION; AND THE DECLINE AND F.4LL OF 

THE DUTCH DYNASTY. 



CHAP. I. 

Ho7c Peter Stmjvesant reliered tJ^ Sovereian Peovie 

from the burthen of takin, care of the NauL-Z^tl 

sundry particulars of his conduct in timeof PeaZ 

meTa" Choi v'^';L'^ *^' V,f^" "' ^'''' Stuyvesant furnishes a 
melducholy picture of the incessant cares and vexations in 
separable tioni government; and may serve aTa so emn 
Marnn,o- to all who are ambi'tious of at'ta' ni ,t the seat of 

rj-anr::;'-'"""'"^^ -Uh victory, enrfched brcon- 
ues and leturnnig ,a tr.umph to his metropolis, his ex- 
ultation was checked by beholding the sad abuses that had 
taken place during the short interval of his absence 

Ine populace, unfortunately for their own comfort had 
taken a deep draught of the intoxicating cup of .'.vl. 
during the reign of William the Testy ; and thot^Ai' unon 
he accession of Peter Stuyvesant, they' felt, with a certa 
nstinctiye perception, which mobs as wel as caUle pos 
sess that the reins of government had passed i.ito st'^nl: 
hands ; yet could they not help fretting, and chafinra^'d 
champing upon the bit, in restive silence ^' 

ir^i^"?"'' ^J '"""'^ '^'"^"^^ ^"^ inscrutable fatality, to be 
the destiny of most countries (and more esueriUlv ?. ■ 
ei^ightened republics), alway^ to be gov ned ty'th ro't 
incompetent man in the nation ; so that you w Hi scared v 
find an individual throughout the u hole communty but 
who will detect to you innumerable errors in aS uisUa- 
tion and convince you in the end, that had he bee at he 
head of afiairs, matters would have gone on a tl^^u a^^ 
tunes more DrosnprnnuUr c< i . mousantl 

y>.\nA^ ^ILI\ \}ll ^- .^^^'-^'V?,^ ! that government, 
wnuii i^iufi to be^u geuerally understood!, should in va- 



558 HISTORY OF 

riably be so eironeously administered — strange, that the 
talent of leiatislation, so prodij^ally bestowed, should be 
denied to the only man in the nation to whose station it is 
requisite ! 

Thus it was in the present instance, not a man of all the 
herd of pseudo-politicians in New-Amsterdam, but was an 
oracle on topics of state, and could have directed public 
affairs incomparably better than Peter Stuyvesant. But 
so severe was the old governor in his disposition, that he 
would never suffer one of the multitude of able counsellorss 
by whom he was surrounded, to intrude his advice, and 
save the country from destruction. 

Scarcely, therefore, had he departed on his expedition 
against the Swedes, than the old faction of William Kieft's 
reign began to thrust their heads above water, and to 
gather together in political meetings, to discuss, " the 
state of the nation." At these assemblages the busy burgo- 
masters and their officious schepens made a very consider- 
able figure. These worthy dignitaries were no longer the 
fat, well fed, trauijuil magistrates, that presided in the 
peaceful days of Wouter Van Twiller. On the contrary, 
being elected by the people, they formed in a manner a 
sturdy bulwark between the mob and tiie administration. 
They were great candidates for popularity, and strenuous 
advocates for the rights of the rabble 5 resembling in disin- 
terested zeal the wide-mouthed tribunes of ancient Rome, 
or those virtuous patriots of modern days, emphatically 
denominated " the friends of the people." 

Under the tuition of these profound politicians, it is 
astonishing how suddenly enlightened the swinish multi- 
tude became, in matters above their comprehensions. 
Cobblers, tinkers, and tailors, all at once felt themselves 
inspired, like those religious idiots in the glorious times of 
monkish illumination ; and, without any previous study or 
experience, became instantly capable of directing all tiie 
movements of government. Nor must I neglect to men- 
tion a number of superannuated, wrong-headed old 
burghers, who had come over when boys, in the crew of the 
Goede Vromv, and were held up as infallible oracles by 
the enlightened mob. To suppose that a man who had 
helped to discover a country did not know how it ought to 
be g«s%erned, was preposterous in the extreme. It would 
have been deemed as much a heresy as, at the present 



NEW YORK. 259 

day, to question the political talent and universal infal- 
libility of our old " heroes of '76" — and to doubt that 
lie who had fouo;ht for a government, however stupid he 
might naturally be, was not competent to fill any station 
under it. 

But as Peter Stuyvesant had a singular inclination to 
govern his province without the assistance of his subjects, 
he felt highly incensed on his return to find the factious 
appearance they had assumed during his absence. His 
first measure, therefore, was to restore perfect order, by 
prostrating the dignity of the sovereign people. 

He accordingly watched his opportunity, and one even- 
ing, when the enlightened mob was gathered together, 
listening to a patriotic speech from an inspired cobbler, the 
intrepid Peter, like his great namesake of all the Russias, 
all at once appeared among them, with a countenance suf- 
ficient to petrify a mill-stone. The whole meeting was 
thrown into consternation — the orator seemed to have 
received a paralytic stroke in the very middle of a sublime 
sentence, and stood aghast with open mouth and trembling 
knees, whilst the words horror ! tyranny ! liberty ! rights ! 
taxes '. death ! destruction ! and a deluge of other patrio- 
tic phrases, came roaring from his throat, before he had 
power to close his lips. The shrewd Peter took no notice 
of the skulking throng around him, but advancing to the 
brawling bully ruffian, and drawing out a huge silver watch, 
which might have served in times of yore as a town-clock, 
and which is still retained by his descendants as a family 
curiosity, requested the orator to mend it, and set it going. 
The orator humbly confessed it was utterly out of his 
power, as he was unacquainted with the nature of its con- 
struction. " Nay, but," said Peter, " try your ingenuity, 
man : you see all the springs and wheels, and how easily 
the clumsiest hand may stop it, and pull it to pieces 5 and 
why should it not be equally easy to regulate as to stop 
it?" The orator declared that his trade was wholly dif- 
ferent, he was a poor cobbler, and had never n>eddled 
with a watch in his life. That there were men skilled in 
the art, whose business it was to attend to those matters ; 
but for his part, he should only mar the workmanship, and 
put the whole in confusion — " Why, harkee, master of 
mine," cried Peter, turning suddenly upon him, with a 
countenance that almost petrified the patcher of shoes into 



200 HISTORY OF 

a perfect lapstone — " dost thou pretend to meddle with 
the movements of government — to regulate and correct, 
and patch, and cobble a complicated machine, the princi- 
ples of which are above thy comprehension, and its sim- 
plest operations too subtle for thy understanding, when 
thou canst not correct a trifling error in a common piece of 
mechanism, the whole mystery of which is open to thy in- 
spection ? — Hence with thee to the leather and stone, 
which are emblems of thy head ; cobble thy shoes, and 
confine thyself to the vocation for which heaven has fitted 
thee — But," elevating his voice until it made the welkin 
ring, " if ever I catch thee, or any of thy tribe, meddling 
again with the affairs of government — by St. Nicholas, 
but I'll have every mother's bastard of ye fiea'd alive, and 
your hides stretched for drum-heads, that ye may thence- 
forth make a noise to some purpose !" 

This threat, and the tremendous voice in which it was 
uttered, caused the whole multitude to quake with fear. 
The hair of the orator rose on his head like his own swine's 
bristles, and not a knight of the thimble present but his 
heart died within him, and he felt as though he could have 
verily escaped through the eye of a needle. 

But though this measure produced the desired effect in 
reducing the community to order, yet it tended to injure 
the popularity of the great Peter among the enlightened 
vulgar. Many accused him of entertaining highly aristo- 
cratic sentiments, and of leaning too much in favour of 
the patricians. Indeed there appeared to be some grounds 
for such an accusation, as he always carried himself with 
a very lofty soldier-like port, and was somewhat particular 
in his dress ; dressing himself, when not in uniform, in 
simple but rich apparel 5 and was especially noted for 
having his sound leg (which was a very comely one) 
always arrayed in a red stocking and high-heeled shoe. 
Though a man of great simplicity of manners, yet there 
was something about him that repelled rude familiarity, 
while it encouraged frank, and even social intercourse. 

He likewise observed some appearance of court cere- 
mony and etiquette. He received the common class 
of visitors on the stoop* before his door, according to 
the custom of our Dutch ancestors. But when visitors 

* Properly spelled stoeh: the porch comijiouly built in front of 
Dulth liouses, Willi benches on each side. 



NEW YORK. 261 

were formally received in his parlour, it was expe<.ted 
they would appear in clean linen r, by no means to be 
bare-footed, and always to take their hats off. On public 
occasions he appeared with great pomp of equipage (for, 
in truth, his station required a liltle show and dignity), and 
always rode to church in a yellow waggon with flaming red 
wheels. 

These symptoms of state and ceremony occasioned con- 
siderable discontent among the vulgar. They had been 
accustomed to find easy access to their former governors, 
and in particular had lived on terms of extreme familiarity 
with William the Testy. Tliey therefore were very impa- 
tient of these dignified precautions, which discouraged 
intrusion. But Peter Stuyvesant had his own way of 
thinking in these matters, and was a stanch upholder of 
the dignity of office. 

He always maintained that government to be the least 
popular, which is most open to popular access and con- 
trol ; and that the very brawlers against court ceremony, 
and the reserve of men in power, would soon despise 
rulers among whom they found even theinselves to be of 
consequence. Such, at least, had been the case with the 
administration of William the Testy 5 who, bent on making 
himself popular, had listened to every man's advice, suf- 
fering every body to have admittance to his person at all 
hours ; and, in a word, treated every one as his thoiongli 
equal. By this means every sciub politician and pub- 
lic busy-body was enabled to mea ure wits with him, and 
to find out the true dimensions, not only of his person, 
but his mind. — And what great man can stand such 
scrutiny ? 

It is the mystery that envelops great men, that gives 
them half their greatness. We are already inclmed to 
think highly of those who hold themselves aloof from our 
examination. Tliere is likewise a kind of superstitious 
reverence for office, which leads us to exaggerate the 
merits and abilities of men in power, and to suppose that 
they must be constituted different from other men. And, 
indeed, faith is as necessary in politics as in religion. It 
certainly is of the first importance, that a country should 
be governed by wise men j but then it is almost equally 
mporlant, that the people should believe them to be wisej 
for this beliei" alone can produce willing subokdisialioii. 



262 HISTORY OF 

To keep up, therefore, this desirable confidence i 
rulers, the people should be allowed to see as little ot 
them as possible. He who gains access to cabinets soon 
finds out by what foolishness the world is governed. He 
discovers that there is quackery in legislation, as well as 
in every thing else ; that many a measure, which is sup- 
posed by the million to be the result of great wisdom and 
deep deliberation, is the effect of mere chance, or perhaps 
of hair-brained experiment. — That rulers have their whims 
and errors as well as other men, and after all are not so 
wonderfully superior to their fellow-creatures as he at first 
imagined ; since he finds that even his own opinions have 
had some weight with them. I'hus awe subsides into con- 
fidence, confidence inspires familiarity, and familiarity 
produces contempt. Peter Stuyvesant, on the contrary, 
by conducting himself with dignity and loftiness, was 
looked up to with great reverence. As he never gave his 
reasons for any thing he did, the public always gave him 
credit for very profound ones. Every movement, however 
intrinsically unimportant, was a matter of speculation ; and 
his very red stockings excited some respect, as being dif- 
ferent from the stockings of other men. 

To these times may we refer the rise of family pride and 
aristocratical distinctions ;* and indeed I cannot but look 
back with reverence to the early planting of those mighty 
Dutch families, which have taken such vigorous root, and 
branched out so luxuriantly in our state. The blood which 
has flowed down uncontaminated through a succession of 
steady, virtuous generations, since the times of the patri- 
archs of Communipaw, must certainly be pure and worthy. 
And if so, then are the Van Kensellears, the Van Zandts, 
the Van Homes, the Rutgers, the Bensons, the Brinker- 
boffs, the Schermerhor»\s, and all the true descendants of 
the ancient Pavouians, the only legitimate nobility and real 
lords of ihe soil. 

1 have been led to mention thus particularly the well- 
authenticated claims of our genuine Dutch families, be- 
cause I have noticed with great sorrow and vexation, that 

' In a work published many years after the time here tieated of 
(in 1701, by C. W.A. M.) it is meutioned that Frederick Pliilipse was 
counted the lichest Mynheer in New-York, and was said to have 
whole hogsheads ot Indian money or wampum; and had a son and 
dauffhter, who, according to the Dutch custom, should divide it 
equal ' 



EW YORK. 268 

tliey have been somewhat elbowed aside in latter clays, by 
foreign intruders. It is really astonishin;^ to behold how 
many great families have sprung up of late years, who 
pride themselves excessively on the score of ancestry. 
Thus he who can look up to his father without humilia- 
tion assumes not a little importance — he who can safely 
talk of his grandfather is still more vain-glorious — but he 
who can look to his great grandfather without blushing is 
absolutely intolerable in his pretensions to family. — Bless 
us ! what a piece of work is here, between these mushrooms 
of an hour and these mushrooms of a day ! 

Bnt from what 1 have recounted in the former part of 
this chapter, I would not have my readers imagine that the 
great Peter was a tyrannical governor, ruling his subjects 
with a rod of iron — on the contrary, where the dignity 
of authority was not implicated, he abounded with gene- 
rosity and courteous condescension. In fact he really 
believed, though 1 fear my more enlightened republican 
readers will consider it a proof of his ignorance and illi- 
berality, that in preventing the cup of social life from 
being dashed with the intoxicating ingredient of politics, 
he promoted the tranquillity and happiness of the people 
— and by detaciiing their minds from subjects which they 
could not understand, and which only tended to inflame 
their passions, he enabled them to attend more faithfully 
and industriously to their proper callings ; becoming more 
useful citizens, and more attentive to their families and 
fortunes. 

So far fi-om having any unreasonable austerity, he 
delighted to see the poor and the labouring man rejoice, 
and for this purpose was a great promoter of holidays and 
public amusements. Under his reign was first introduced 
the custom of cracking eggs at Paas or Easter. New- 
year's Day was also observed with extravagant festivity — 
and ushered in by the ringing of bells and firing of guns. 
Every house was a temple of the jolly god. Oceans of 
cherry brandy, true Hollands, and mulled cider, were set 
aBoat on the occasion ; and not a poor man in town but 
made it a point to get drunk, out of a principle of pure 
economy— taking in liquor enough to serve him for half a 
year afterwards. 

It would have done one's heart good also to have seen 



264 HISTOUY or 

the raliant Peter, sealed among the old burghers and their 
wives of a Saturday afternoon, under the g^reat trees tluit 
spread their shade over the Battery, watching the young 
men and women as they danced on the green. Here he 
would smoke his pipe, crack his joke, and forget tlie rag- 
ged toils of war in the sweet oblivious festivities of peace. 
He would occasionally give a nod of approbation to those 
of the young men who shuffled and kicked most vigorously, 
and now and then give a hearty smack, in all honesty of 
soul, to the buxom lass that held out longest, and tired 
down all her competitors, which he considered as infallible 
proofs of her being the best dancer. Once it is true the 
harmony of the meeting was rather interrupted. A young 
vrouw, of great figure in the gay world, and who, having 
lately come from Holland, of course led the fashions in 
the city, made her appearance in not more than half a 
dozen petticoats, and those too of most alarming short- 
uess.— A universal whisper ran through the assembly ; 
the old ladies all felt shocked in the extreme, the young 
ladies blushed and felt excessively for the « poor thing," 
and even the governor himself was observed to be a little 
troubled in mind. To complete the astonishment of the 
good folks, she undertook, in the course of a jig, to 
describe some astonishing figures in algebra, which she had 
learned from a dancing master in Rotterdam. — Whether 
she was too animated in flourishing her feet, or whether 
some vagabond Zephyr took the liberty of obtruding his 
services, certain it is, thrtt in the course of a grand evolu- 
tion which would not have disgraced a modern ball room, 
she made a most unexpected display— whereat the whole 
assembly was thrown into great admiration, several grave 
countiy members were not a little moved, and the good 
Peter himself, who was a man of unparalleled modesty, 
felt himself grievously scandalized. 

The shortness of the female dresses, which had conti- 
nued in fashion ever since the days of William Kieft, had 
long oflended his eye ; and though extremely averse to 
meddling with the petticoats of the ladies, yet he imme- 
diately recommended that every one should be furnished 
with a flounce to the bottom. He likewise ordered that 
the ladies, and indeed the gentlemen, should use no other 
step in dancing than shuffle and turn, and double trouble ; 



NEW YORK. 263 

and forbade, under pain of his high displeasure, any young 
lady thenceforth to attempt what was termed, " exhibiting 
the graces." 

These were the only restrictions he ever imposed upon 
the sex, and these were considered by them as tyrannical 
oppressions, and resisted with that becoming spirit always 
manifested by the gentle sex whenever theii- privileges are 
invaded. — In fact, Peter Stnyvesant plainly perceived, 
that if he attempted to push the matter any further, there 
was danger of their leaving off petticoats altogether ; so, 
like a wise man experienced in the ways of women, he 
held his peace, and suffered them ever after to wear their 
petticoats and cut their capers as high as they pleased. 

«*^r ^^ .#^' .#>^ 

CHAP. 11. 

^010 Peter Stuyvcsant wo.'i much molested hy the Mosa- 
Troopers of the East, and the Giants of Merry-land ; 
and how a dark and horrid Conspiracy was carried on 
in the British Cabinet ar/ainst the prosperity of the 

Manhattoes. 

We are now approaching towards the crisis of our work, 
and if 1 be not mistaken in my foreboding, we shall have 

world of business to despatch in the ensuing chapters. 

It is with some communities as it is with certain med- 
dlesome individuals, they have a wonderful facility at 
getting into scrapes ; and I have always remarked, tliat 
those are most liable to get in, who have the least talent 
at getting out again. This is, doubtless, owing to the 
excessive valour of those states j for 1 have likewise no- 
ticed that this rampant and ungovernable quality is always 
most unruly where most confined, which accounts for its 
vapouring so amazingly in little states, little men, and 
ugly little women more especially. 

Thus, when one reflects that the province of the Man- 
hattoes, though of prodigious importance in the eyes of its 
inhabitants and its historian, was really of no very great 
consequence in the eyes of the rest of the world ; that it 
lad but little wealth or other spoils to reward the trouble 
tf assailing it, and that it had nothing to expect from ruu- 

A A 



266 HISTORY OF 

ning wantonly into war, save an exceeding good beating; 
on pondering these things, I say, one would utterly 
despair of finding in its history either battle or bloodshed, 
or any other of those calamities which give importance to 
a nation, and entertainment to the reader. But, on the 
contrary, we find, so valiant is this province, that it has 
already drawn upon itself a host of enemies 5 has had as 
many buftetings as ^vould gratify the ambition of the most 
warlike nation j and is, in sober sadness, a very forlorn, 
distressed, and woe-begone little province ; — all which was, 
no doubt, kindly ordered by Providence, to give interest 
and sublimity to this pathetic history. 

But 1 forbear to enter into a detail of the pitiful ma- 
raudings and harassments that for a long while after the 
victory on the Delaware, continued to insult the dignity, 
and disturb the repose of the Nederlanders. Suffice it 
in brevity to say, that the implacable hostility of the 
people of the east, which had so miraculously been pre- 
vented from breaking out, as my readers must remember, 
by the sudden prevalence of witchcraft, and the dissen- 
sions in the council of Amphyctions, now again displayed 
itself in a thousand grievous and bitter scourings upon the 
borders. 

Scarcely a month passed but what the Dutch settle- 
ments on the frontiers were alarmed by the sudden appear- 
ance of an invading army from Connecticut. This would 
advance resolutely through the country, like a puissant 
caravan of the deseits, the women and children mounted 
in carts loaded with pots and kettles, as though they 
meant to boil the hcmest Dutchmen alive, and devour 
them like so many lobsters. At the tail of these carts 
would stalk a crew of long-limbed, lank-sided varlets, with 
axes on their shoulders, and packs on their backs, reso- 
lutely bent upon improving the country in despite of its 
proprietors. These, settling themselves down, would in a 
short time completely dislodge the unfortunate Nederlan- 
ders, elbowing them out of those rich bottoms and fertile 
valleys in which our Dutch yeomanry are so famous for 
nestling themselves ; for it is notorious, that wherever 
these shrewd men of the east get a footing, the honest 
Dutchmen do gradually disappear, retiring slowly, like the 
Indians before the Whites, being totally discomfited by the 



NEW YOPK. 267 

talking, schaffeiing', swapping, bargaining disposilixm of 
their new neighbours. 

All these audacious infringements on the territories of 
their high mightinesses were accompanied, as has before 
been hinted, by a world of rascally brawls, rib-roastings, 
and bundlings, which would doubtless have incensed the 
valiant Peter to wreak immediate chastisement, had he 
not at the very same time been peri)lexed by distressing 
accounts from Mynheer Beckman, who commanded the 
territories at South river. 

The restless Swedes, who had so graciously been suf- 
fered to remain about the Delaware, already began to 
show signs of mutiny and disaffection. But what was 
worse, a peremptory claim was laid to the whole territory, 
as the rightful property of Lord Baltimore, by Feudal, a 
chieftain who lived over the colony of Maryland, or Mer- 
ry-land, as it was anciently called, because the inhabitants, 
not having the fear of the Lord before their eyes, were 
notoriously prone to get fuddled and make merry with 
mint-julep and apple-toddy. Nay, so hostile was this 
bully Feudal, that he threatened, unless his claim were 
instantly complied with, to march incontinently at the 
head of a potent force of the roaring boys of Merry-land, 
together with a great and mighty train of giants, who in- 
fested the banks of the Susquehannah ;* and to lay waste 
and depopulate the whole country of South river. 

By this it is manifest, that this boasted colony, like all 
great acquisitions of territory, soon became a greater evil 
to the conqueror than the loss of it was to the cjuqueie;!, 
and caused greater uneasiness and trouble than all the 
teirilory of the New Netherlands be ides. Thus Provi- 

' We find very curious and wonderful accounts of these strange 
pponle (wlio were doubtless the ancestois of the present Mitry- 
Irtuders) made l)y Master Harlot, in liis interesting history. " Tiie 
Susquesrthanocks,'" observes he, " are a giantly people, stranjre in pro- 
portion, behaviour, and attire ; their voices sounding from Ihf m as if 
out of a cave. Their tobacco-pipes were three quarters of a yard 
long, carved at tiie great end with a bird, beare, or other device suf- 
ficient to beat out the braines of a hor-e (and how many asses' braines 
are beaten out, or rather men's braines smoked oi;t, and asses" brains 
haled in, by our lesser pipes at home.) Ttie calfe of one of fheir 
legges was measured three f^uarters of a yard about, the rest of his 
limbs proportionable " 

Master HarioVs Journ. Pureh. Pil, 
A A 2 



268 HISTORY OF 

deuce wisely ordei-s that one evil shall balance another. 
The conqueror who wrests the pioperty of his neighbours, 
who wrongs a nation and desolates a country, though he 
may acquire increase of empire, and immortal fame, yet 
insures his own inevitable punishment. He takes to him- 
self a cause of endless anxiety — he incorporates with his 
late sound domain a loose part — a rotten, disafiected 
njcmber; which is an exhaustless source of internal trea- 
son and disunion, and external altercation and hostility. — 
Happy is that nation, which, compact, united, loyal in all 
its parts, and concentrated in its strength, seeks no idle 
acquisition of unprolitable and ungovernable territory — 
which, content to be prosperous and happy, has no ambi- 
tion to be great. It is like a man well organized in all 
his system, sound in health, and full of vigour ; unincum- 
bered by useless trappings, and fixed in an unshaken atti- 
tude. But the nation, insatiable of territory, whose 
domains are scattered, feebly united, and weakly or^nized, 
is like a senseless miser sprawling among golden stores, 
open to every attack, and unable to defend the riches he 
vainly endeavours to overshadow. 

At the time of receiving the alarming dispatches from 
South river, the great Peler was busily employed in quell- 
ing certain Indian troubles that had broken out about 
Esopus, and was moreover meditating how to relieve his 
eastern borders on the Connecticut. He, however, sent 
word to Mynheer Beckman to be of good heart, to maintain 
incessant vigilance, and to let him know, if matters wore 
a more threatening appearance ; in which case he would 
incontinently repair with his warriors of the Hudson to 
spoil the merriment of these Merry-landers j for he 
coveted exceedingly to have a bout, hand to hand, with some 
half a score of these giants — having never encountered a 
giant in his whole life, unless we may so call the stout 
Rising!) ; and he was but a little one. 

Nothing further, however, occurred to molest the tran 
quillily of Mynheer Beckman and his colony. Feudal 
and his myrmidons ramained at home, carousing it soundly 
upon hoe-cakes, bacon, and mint-julep, and running 
horses, and fighting cocks, for which they were greatly 
renowned. At hearing of this, Peter Stuyvesant was very 
well pleased ; for, notwithstanding his inclination to 
measure weapons with these moustrous men of the Sus- 



NEW YORK. 269 

quehannah, yet he had ah-ea«ly as much employment nearer 
home as he could turn his hands to. Little did he tliink, 
worthy soul, that this southern calm was but the deceitful 
prelude to a most terrible and fatal storm then brewing, 
which was soon to burst forth and overwhelm the unsus- 
pecting city of New Amsterdam ! 

Now so it was, that while this excellent governor was 
giving his little senate laws, and not only giving tliem, 
but enforcing them too — while he was incessantly travel 
ling the rounds of his beloved province — posting from 
place to place to redress grievances, and while busy at one 
corner of his dominions, all the rest getting into an 
uproar ; — at this very time, I say, a dark, and direful pSol, 
was hatching against him, in that nursery of monstrous 
])rojects, the British cabinet. The news of his achieve 
ruents on the Delaware, according to a sage old historian 
of New- Amsterdam, had occasioned not a little talk and 
marvel in the courts of Europe. And the same profound 
writer assures us, that the cabinet of England began to 
entertain great jealousy and uneasiness at the increasing 
power of the Manhattoes, and the valour of its sturdy 
yeomanry. 

Agents, the historian observes, were sent by the Am- 
phyctioiiic council of the east, to entreat the assistance of 
the British cabinet in subjugating this mighty province. 
Lord Sterling also asserted his right to Long-Island ; and, 
at the same time, Lord Baltimore, whase agent, as has 
been before mentioned, had so alarmed Mynheer Beck- 
man, laid his claim before the cabinet, to tlie lauds of 
South River, which he complained were unjustly and 
forcibly detained from him, by these daring usurpers of the 
Nieuw Nederlandts. 

Thus did the unlucky empire of the Manhattoes stand 
in imminent danger of experiencing the fate of Poland, 
and being torn limb from limb to be shared among its 
gavage neighbours. But while these rapacious powers 
were whetting their fangs, and waiting for the signal to 
fall tooth and nail upon this delicious little fat Dutch 
empire ; the lordly lion who sat as umpire, all at once 
laid his mighty paw upon the spoil, and settled the cltiims 
of all parties by granting none of them. For we are told, 
t'lat his majesty, Charles the Second, not to be perplexed 
by aiijusting these several pretejisiows, made a present of 



i70 HISTORY or 

a large tiact of North Ameiica, includiiipf the province of 
New Nederlandts, to his brother the Duke of York — a 
donation truly loyal, since none but great monarchs have 
a right to give away what does not belong to them. 

That this munificent gift might not be merely nominal, 
his majesty, on the 12th of March, 1664, ordered that an 
armament should be forthwith prepared, to invade the 
city of New-Amsterdam by land and water, and put his 
brother in complete possession of the premises. 

Thus critically are situated the attairs of the New 
Netherlanders. The honest burghers, so far from thinking 
of the jeopardy in which their interests are placed, are 
soberly smoking their pipes, and thinking of nothing at all 
— the privy counsellors of the province are at this moment 
snoring in full quorum, like the drones of five hundred 
bagpipes ; while the active Peter, who takes all the labour 
of thinking and acting upon himself, is busily devising 
some method of bringing the grand council of Amphyc- 
tions to terms. In the meanwhile an angry cloud is 
darkly scowling on the horizon — soon shall it rattle about 
the ears of these dozing Nederlanders, and put the mettle 
of their stout-heai ted governor completely to the trial. 

But come what may, I here pledge my veracity, that in 
all warlike conflicts and subtle perplexities, he shall stiK 
acquit himself with the gallant bearings and spotless 
honour of a noble minded obstinate old cavalier. Forward, 
then, to the charge ! — shine out, propitious stars, on the 
renowned city of the Manhattoes ; and may the blessings 
of St. Nicholas go with thee — honest Peter Stuyvesant ! 

CHAP. III. 

Of Peter Stuyvesanf's Expedition into the East f Coun- 
try ; showing that thoiufh an old Bird, he did not under- 
stand Trap. 

Great nations resemble great men in this particular, 
that their greatness is seldom known until they get in 
trouble ; adversity, therefore, has been wisely deno.ninated 
the ordeal of true greatness, which like gold can never 
receive its real estimation until it has passed through the 



NEW YORK. 271 

furnace. In proportion, therefore, as a nation, a commu- 
nity, or an individual (possessing the inherent quality of 
gieatness) is involved in perils and misfortunes, in propor- 
tion does it rise in grandeur — and even when sinking 
under calamity, makes, like a house on fire, a more 
glorious display than ever it did in the fairest period of its 
prosperity. 

The vast empire of China, though teeming with pojxila- 
tion, and imbibing and concentrating the wealth of nations, 
has vegetated through a succession of drowsy ages ; and 
were it not for its internal revolution, and the subversion 
of its ancient government by the Tartars, might have 
presented nothing but an uninteresting detail of dull, 
monotonous prosperity. Pompeii and Herculaneum might 
have passed into oblivion, with a herd of their contempo- 
raries, had they not been fortunately overwhelmed by a 
volcano. The renowned city of Troy has acquired cele- 
brity only from its ten years' distress and final conflagra- 
tion 5 Paris rises in importance by the plots and massacres 
which have ended in the exaltation of the illustrious 
Napoleon j and even the mighty London itself has 
skulked through the records of time, celebrated for nothing 
of moment, excepting the plague, the great fire, and 
Guy Faux's gunpowder plot ! Thus cities and empires 
seem to creep along, enlarging in silent obscurity under the 
j)en of the historian, until at length they burst forth in 
some tremendous calamity, and snatch, as it were, immor- 
tality from the explosion ! 

The above principle being admitted, my reader will 
plainly perceive that the city of New-Amsterdam and its 
dependent province are on the high road to greatness. 
Dangers and hostilities threaten from every side, and it is 
really a matter of astonishment to me, how so small a 
state has been able in so short a time to entangle itself in 
so many difficulties. Ever since the province was first 
taken by the nose, at the Fort of Good Hope, in the 
tranquil days of Wouter Van Twiller, has it been gradually 
increasing in historic importance j and never could it have 
had a more appropriate chieftain to conduct it to the 
pinnacle of grandeur, than Peter Stuyvesant. 

In the fiery heart of this iron-headed old warrior, sat 
enthroned all those five kinds of courage described by 
Aristotle 3 and hud tlie philotiopher mentioned rive hnu- 



272 HISTORY OF 

died more to the back of Ihera, I verily believe he would 
have been found master of them all. The only misfor- 
tune was, that he was deficient in the better part of valour, 
called discretion, a cold-blooded virtue, which could not 
exist in the tropical climate of his mighty soul. Hence it 
was, he was continually hurrying into those unheard-of 
enterprises that gave an air of chivahic romance to all 
his history ; and hence it was, that he now conceived 
a project worthy of the hero of La Mancha himself. 

Tliis was no other than to repair in person to the gTeat 
council of the Amphyctions, bearing tlie sword in one 
hand, and the olive branch in the other 5 to require imme- 
diate reparation for the innumerable violations of that 
treaty, which, in an evil hour, he had formed ; to put a 
stop to those repeated maraudings on the eastern borders ; 
or else to throw his gauuUet, aAd appeal to arms for satis- 
faction. 

On declaring this resolution in the privy council, tl;e 
venerable members were seized with vast astonishment ; 
for once in their life they ventured to remonstrate, setting 
forth the rashness of exposing his sacred person in the 
midst of a strange and barbarous people, with sundry 
other weighty remonstrances — all which had about as much 
influence upon the determination of the headstrong Peter, 
as though you were to endeavour to turn a rusty weather- 
cock with a broken-winded bellows. 

Summoning, therefore, to his presence, his trusty 
follower, Antliony Van Corlear, he commanded him to 
hold himself in readiness to accompany him the following 
morning on this hazardous enterprise. Now Anthony, 
the trumpeter, was a little stricken in years, yet by dint of 
keeping up a good heart, and having never known care or 
sorrow (having never been married,) he was still a hearty, 
jocund, rubicond, gamesome wag, and of great capacity 
in the doublet. This last was ascribed to his living a 
jolly life on those domains at the Hook, which Peter 
Stuyvesant had granted to him fur his gallantry at Fort 
Casimir. 

Be this as it may, there was nothing that more delighted 
Anthony than this command of the great Peter ; for he 
could have followed t'le stout-hearted old governor to the 
world's end, with love and loyalty ; and he moreover still 
rciueuibercd the froli<:king and dancing, and bundling. 



NEW YORK. 273 

a«il other disports of the east country ; and entertained 
dainty recolleetion of numerous kind and buxom lasses, 
whom he h)uged exceedingly a^ain to encounter. 

Thus, then, did this mirror of iiardihood set forth with 
no other attendant but his trumpeter, upon one of the 
most perilous enterprises ever recorded in the annals of 
knig'ht-errantry. For a single warrior to venture openly 
among a whole nation of foes ; but, above all, for a plain 
downright Dutchman to think of negotiating with the 
whole council of New England — never was there known a 
more desperate undertaking ! Ever since I have entered 
upon the chronicles of this peerless, but hitherto uncele- 
brated chieftain, has he kept me in a state of incessant 
action and anxiety with the toils and dangers he is con- 
stantly encountering. Oh! for a chapter of the tranquil 
reign of Wouter Van Twiller, that I might repose on it as 
on a feather bed ! 

Is it not enough, Peter Stuyvesant, that I have once 
already rescued thee from the machinations of these ten-'i''- 
Amphyctions, by bringing the whole powers of witchcratt 
to thine aid ? — Is it not enough, that I have followed thee 
iiudaunted, like a guardian spirit, into the midst of the 
horrid battles of Fort Christina? — That I have been put 
incessantly to my trumps to keep thee safe and sound — 
now warding off with my single pen the shower of das- 
tard blows that fell upon thy rear — now narrowly shielding 
thee from a deadly thrust by a mere tobacco-box — now 
casing thy dauntless skull with adamant, when even thy 
stubborn ram-beaver failed to resist the sword of the 
stout Risingh — and now, not merely bringing thee oft' 
alive, but triumphant, from the clutches of the gigantic 
Swede, by the desperate means of a paltry stone pottle ? 
— Is not all this enough, but must thou still be plunging 
into new difficulties, and jeopardizing in headlong enter- 
prises thyself, thy trumpeter, and thy historian ' 

And now the ruddy-faced Aurora, like a buxom cham- 
Hbermaid, diaws aside the sable curtains of the night, and 
out bounces from his bed the jolly red-haired Piioebus, 
BtLirtled at being caught so late in the embraces of dame 
Thetis. With many a stable oath he harnessed his brazen- 
footed steeds, and whips and lashes, and splashes up the 
firmament like a loitering post-boy, half an hour behind 
bis time. And now beiioJ** that imp of fame and proweas. 



274 HISTORY OF 

the headstrong Peter, bestriding a raw-boned, switch-tailed 
charger, gallantly arrayed in lull regimentals, and bracing 
on his thigh that trnsty biass-hilted sword, which had 
wrought such fearful deeds on the banks of the Delaware. 

Behold, hard after him, his doughty trumpeter, Van 
Corlear, mounted on a broken-winded, wall-eyed, calico 
mare; his stone pottle, which had laid low the mighty 
Risingh, slung under his arm, and his trumpet displayed 
vauntingly in his right hand, decorated with a gorgeous 
banner on which is emblazoned the great beaver of the 
Manhattoes. See them proudly issuing out of the city 
gate, like an iron-clad hero of yore, with his faithful squire 
at his heels, the people following them wiih their eyes, 
and shouting many a parting wish, and hearty cheering. 
-Farewell, Hard-koppig Piet ! Farewell, honest An- 
thony ! — Pleasant be your warfaring— prosperous your 
return ! The stontes-t hero that ever drew a sword, and 
the worthiest trumpeter that ever trod shoe leather. 

Legends are lamentably silent about the events that 
befel our adventurers in this their adventurous travel, 
excepting the Scuyvesant manuscript, which gives the 
substance of a pleasant little heroic poem, written on the 
occasion by Domini ^Egidius Luyck,* who appears to 
have been the poet-laureate of New-Amsterdam. This 
inestimable manuscript assures us, that it was a rare spec- 
tacle to behold the great Peter, and his loyal follower, 
hailing the morning sun, and rejoicing in the clear coun- 
tenance of nature, asHhey pranced it through the pastoral 
scenes of Bloemen Dael,f which, hi those days, was a 
sweet and rural valley, beautified with many a bright 
wild-flower, refreshed by many a pure streamlet, and 
enlivened here and there by a delectable little Dutch 
cottage, sheltering under some sloping hill, and almost 
buried in embowering trees. 

Now did they enter upon the confines of Connecticut, 
where they encountered many grievous difficulties and 
perils. At one place they were assailed by a troop of 
country squires and militia colonels, who, mounted on 

* This Luyck was, moreover, rector of the Latin school in Nieuw 
Nederlandts, 1663. There are two pieces of .(Esridius Luyck ii) 
D. Sol yu's MSS of poesies, upon his mariiage with Judith Iseadoorn. 
Old MS. 

t Wow called BloomiDg Dale, about four miles from New-York. 



' NKW YORK. 275 

goodly steeds, hung upon their rear for several miles, 
harassing them exceedingly with guesses and questions, 
more especially the worthy Peter, whose silver chased leg 
excited not a little marvel. At another place, hard by the 
renowned town of Stamford, they were set upon by a 
great and mighty legion of church deacons, who im- 
periously demanded of them five shillings for travelling on 
Sunday, and threatened to carry ihem captive to a neigh- 
bouring church, whose steeple peered above the trees ; but 
these the valiant Peter put to rout with little difficulty, 
iusotuuch that they bestrode their canes and galloped oft' 
in horrible confusion, leaving their cocked hats behind in 
the hurry of their flight. But not so easily did lie escape 
from the hands of a crafty man of Pyquag ; who, with 
undaunted perseverance, and repeated onsets, fairly bar- 
gained him out of his goodly s-a itch-tailed charger, 
leaving him in place thereof a villainous, spavined, foundered 
Narraganset pacer. 

But, maugre all these hardships, they pursued their 
journey cheerily along the coai-t of the soft flowing Con- 
necticut, whose gentle waves, says the song, roll tiirough 
many a tertde vale and sunny plain, now reflecting the 
lofty spires of the bustling city, and now the rural beauties 
of the humble hamlet •, now echoing with the busy hum 
of cummerce, and now with the cheerful song of the 
peasant. 

At every town would Peter Stuyvesant, who was noted 
for warlike punctilio, order the sturdy Anthony to sound 
a courteous saint it ion 5 though the manuscript observes, 
that tlie mhabitants were thrown into great dismay when 
they heard of his approach. For the fame of his incom- 
parable achievements on the Delaware bad spread through- 
out the east country, and they dreaded lest he had come 
to take vengeance on their manifold transgressions. 

But the good Peter rode through these towns with a 
smiling aspect 5 waving his hand with inexpressible 
majesty and condescension ; for he verily believed that 
the old clothes which these ingenious people had thrust 
into their broken windows, and the festoons of dried 
apples and peaches which ornamented the fronts of their 
houses, were so many decorations in honour of his 
approach ; as it was the custom in the days of chivalry 
to compliment renowned heioes, by sumptuous displays of 



276 HISTORY OF 

tapestry and gorgeous furniture. The women crowded 
to the doors to gaze upon him as he passed, so much does 
drowess in arms delight the gentle sex. The little children, 
too, ran after him in troops, staring with wonder at his 
regimentals, his brimstone breeches, and the silver garniture 
of his wooden leg. Nor must I omit to mention the joy 
which many strapping wenches betrayed, at beholding the 
jovial Van Corlear, who had whilome delighted them so 
much with his trumpet, when he bore the great Peter's 
challenge to the Aniphyctions. The kind-hearted Anthony 
alighted from his calico mare, and kissed them all with 
infinite loving-kindness — and was right pleased to see a 
crew of little trumpeters crowding around him for his 
blessing; each of whom he patted on the head, bade him 
be a good boy, and gave him a penny to buy molasses 
candy. 

The Stuyvesant manuscript makes but little further 
mention of the governor's adventures upon this expedition, 
excepting that he was received with extravagant courtesy 
and respect by the great council of the Aniphyctions, who 
almost talked him to death with complimentary and con- 
gratulatory harangues. I will not detain my readers by 
dwelling on his negotiations with the grand council. 
Su-ffice it to mention, it was like all other negotiations — a 
great deal was said, and very little done : one conversation 
ltd to another — one conference beg-at misunderstandinsrs, 
which it took a dozen conferences to explain ; at the 
end of which the parties found themselves just where they 
were at first ; excepting that they had entangled them- 
selves in a host of questions of etiquette, and conceived a 
cordial distrust of each other, that rendered their future 
negotiations ten times more difficult than ever.* 

In the midst of all these perplexities, which bewildered 
the brain and incensed the ire of the sturdy Petei', who 
was perhaps of all men in the world least fitted for 
diplomatic wiles, he privately received the first intimation 
of the dark conspiracy which had been matured in the 
Cabinet of England. To this was added the astounding 
intelligence that a hostile squadron had already sailed 

• For certain of the particulars of this ancient negotiation, see 
Haz. Col. State Pap. It is singular that Smith is entirely silent with 
respect to this memorable expedition of Peter Stuyvesant, 



NEW YORK. 277 

from England, destined to reduce the province of New- 
Netherlands, and that the grand council of Amphyctions 
had engaged to co-operate, by sending a great army to 
invade New-Amsterdam by land. 

Unfortunate Peter! did I not enter with sad forebo- 
dings upon this ill-starred expedition ? Did I not tremble 
when I saw thee with no other counsellor th<in thine own 
head — with no other armour than an honest tongue, a spot- 
less conscience, and a rusty sword — with no other pro- 
tector but St. Nicholas — and no other attendant but a 
trumpeter ? Did I not tremble when 1 beheld thee thus 
sally forth to contend with all the knowing powers of 
New-England ? 

Oh, how did the sturdy old warrior rage and roar, when 
he found himself thus entrapped, like a lion in the 
hunter's toil ! Now did he determine to draw his ti;jrjty 
sword, and manfully to fight his way through all the 
countries of the east. Now did he resolve to break in 
upon the council of the Amphyctions, and put every 
mother's son of them to death. At length, as his direful 
wrath subsided, he resorted to safer tliough less glorious 
expedients. 

Concealing from the council his knowledge of their 
machinations, he privately dispatched a trusty messenger 
with missives to his counsellors at New-Amsterdam, 
apprising them of the impending danger,commanding them 
immediately to put the city in a posture of defence, while 
in the mean time he would endeavour to elude his enemies 
and come to their assistance. This done, he felt himself 
marvellously relieved, rose slowly, shook himself like a 
rhinoceros, and issued forth from his den, in much the 
same manner as Giant Despair is described to have issued 
from Doubting Castle, in the chivalric history of the 
Pilgrim's Progress. 

And now much does it grieve me that I must leave the 
gallant Peter in this imminent jeopardy : but it behove* 
us to hurry back and see what is going on at New- Am- 
sterdam, for greatly do 1 fear that city is already in a tur- 
moil. Such was evei the fate of Peter Stuyvesanl ; while 
doing one thing with heart and soul, he was too apt to 
leave every thing else at sixes and sevens. While, like 
a potentate of yore, he was absent atlendiag to those things 
in person, which in modern days are trusted to generals 



278 HISTORY OF 

and ambassadors, liis little territory at home was sure to 
get in an uproar — all which was owing to that uncommon 
strength of intellect, which induced him to trust to nobody 
but himself, and which had acquired him the renowned 
appellation of Peter the Headstrong. 



CHAP. IV. 

How the People of New- Amsterdam were thrown into a 

great panic hy the news of a threatened Invasion ; and 

the manner in which they fortified themselves. 

There is no sight more truly interesting to a philoso- 
pher than to contempl;;te a community wtierc every indi- 
vidual has a voice in public affaiis, where every individual 
thinks himself the Atlas of the nation, and where every 
individual thinks it his duty to bestir himself for tlie good 
of his country, — I say, there is nothing more interesting to 
a philosopher than to see such a community in a sudden 
bustle of war. Such a clamour of tongues, such a bawling 
of patriotism, such running hither and thither, every body 
in a hurry, every body up to the ears in trouble, every 
body in the way, and every body interrupting his indus- 
trious neighbour, who is busily employed in doing 
nothing ! It is like witnessing a great tire, where every 
man is at work like a hero 5 some dragging about empty 
engines ; others scampering with full buckets, and spilling 
the contents into the boots of their neighbours 5 and others 
ringing the church bells all night, by way of jmtting out 
the fire. Little firemen, like sturdy little knights storming 
a breach, clambering up and down scaling-ladders, and 
bawling through tin trumpets, by way of directing the 
attack. Here one busy fellow, in his great zeal to save 
the |)roperty of the unfortunate, catches up an anonymous 
chamber utensil, and gallants it off with an air of as much 
self-importance, as if he had rescued a pot of money ; 
another throws looking- glasses and china out of the window, 
to save them from the flames ; while those, who can do 
nothing else to ast,ist the great calamity, run up and down 
tiie streets with open throats, keeping up an incessant cry 
of — Fire! Fire! Fire! 



SIEVV YORK. 279 

" When the news arrived at Si nope," says the grave 
and profound Lucian, though I own the story is rather 
trite, " that Philip was about to attack them, the in- 
hahitants were thrown into violent alarm. Some ran to 
furbish up their arms ; others rolled stones to build up the 
walls ; every body, in short, was employed, and every 
body was in the way of his neighbour. Diogenes aloue 
was the only man who could find nothing to do ; where- 
upon determining not to be idle when the welfare of his 
country was at stake, he tucked up his robe, and fell to 
rolling his tub with might and main, up and down the 
Giiiynasium." In like manner did every mother's sun 
in the patriotic community of New-Amsterdam, on receiv- 
ing the missives of Peter Stuyvesant, busy himself most 
mightily in putting things in confusion, and assisting the 
general uproar. " Every man," saith the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, " flew to arms!" By which is meant, that 
not one of our honest Dutch citizens would venture to 
church or to market, without an old fLishioued spit of a 
sword dangling at his side, and a long Dutch fowling- 
piece on his shoulder ; nor would he go out of a night 
without a lanthorn ; nor turn a corner without first peep- 
ing cautiously round, lest he should come unawares upon 
a British army ; and we are informed that Stoffel Brinker. 
hoft', who was considered by the old women almost as brave 
a man as the governor himself, actually had two one- 
pound swivels mounted in his entry, one pointing out at the 
front door and the other at the back. 

But the most strenuous measure resorted to on this 
awful occasion, and one which has since been found of 
wonderful efficacy, was to assemble popular meetings. 
These brawling convocations, I have already shown, were 
extremely oiFensive to Peter Stuyvesant; but as this was 
a moment of unusual agitation, and as the oUl governor 
was not present to repress them, they broke out with in- 
tolerable violence. Hither, therefore, the orators and 
politicians repaired, and there seemed to be a comj)etitiou 
among them who should bawl the loudest, and exceed the 
others in hyperbolical bursts of patriotism, and in resohi- 
tions to uphold and defend the government. In these 
sage and all powerful meetings it was determined, nem. 
con. that they were the most enlightened, the most dignified, 
the most formidable, and the most ancient community upiui 

bb2 



*i%0 HISTORY or 

tlie face of the earth. Finding that this resolution was so 
univeisally and readily carried, another was immediately 
proposed, — Whether it were not possible and politic to 
exterminate Great Britain? Upon which sixty-nine 
members spoke most eloquently in the affirmative, and 
only one arose to suggest some doubts, who, as a punish- 
ment for his treasonable presumption, was immediately 
seized by the mob, and tarred and feathered ; which 
punishment being equivalent to the Tarpeian Rtck, he 
was afterwards considered as an outcast fiom society, and 
his opinion went for nothing. The question, therefore, 
being unanimously carried in the affirmative, it was recom- 
mended to the grand council to pass it into a law, which 
was accordingly done : by this measure the hearts of the 
people at large were wonderfully encouraged, and they 
waxed exceeding choleric and valorous. Indeed, the first 
paroxysm of alarm having in some measure subsided, the 
old women having buried all the money they could lay 
their hands on, and tlieir husbands daily getting fuddled 
with what was left — the community began even to stand on 
the offensive. Songs were manufactured in low Dutch, 
and sung about tlie streets, wherein the English were most 
wofuUy beaten, and shewn no quarter ^ and popular 
addresses were made, wherein it was proved to a certainty, 
that the fate of Old England depended upon the will of the 
New-Amsterdammers. 

Finally, to strike a violent blow at the very vitals of 
Great Britain, a multitude of the wiser inhabitants assem- 
bled, and having purchased all the British manufactures 
they could find, they made thereof a huge bonfire; and, in 
the patriotic glow of the moment, every man present, 
who had a hat or breeches of English workmanship, 
pulled it off, and threw it most undauntedly into (he 
flames-— to the irreparable detriment, loss, and ruin of 
the English manufacturers. In commemoration of this 
great exploit, they erected a pole on the spot, with a 
device on the top intended to represent the province of 
Nieuw Nederlandts destroying Great Britain, under the 
similitude of an Eagle picking the little Island of Old 
England out of the globe ; but either through the unskil- 
fulness of the sculptor, or his ill-timed waggery, it bore a 
stH'iking resemblance to a goose vainly striving to get 
hold of a dumpling. 



NEW YORK. 281 



CHAP. V. 

Shounng how the Grand Council of the New-Netherlands 
came to be miraculously gifted with long tongues.-— 
together ivith a great triumph of Economy. 

It will need but very little penetration in any one 
acquainted with the character and habits of that most 
potent and blustering monarch, the sovereign people — to 
discover that, notwithstanding all the bustle and talk of 
war that stunned him in the last chapter, the renowned city 
of New-Amsterdam is, in sad reality, not a whit better 
prepared for defence than before. Now, though the peo- 
ple, having gotten over the tirst alarm, and finding no 
enemy immediately at hand, had, with that valour of 
tongue, for which your illustrious rabble is so famous, 
run into the opposite extreme, and by dintof gallant vapour- 
ing and rhodomontade, had actually talked themselves 
into the opinion, that they were the bravest and most 
powerful people under the sun j yet were the privy 
counsellors of Peter Stuyvesant somewhat dubious on 
that point. They dreailed, moreover, lest that stern hero 
should return and tind that, instead of obeying his peremp- 
tory orders, they had wasted their titne in listening to the 
hectoringsof the mob, than which they well knew there was 
nothing he held in more exalted contempt. 

To make up therefore as speedily as possible for lost 
time, a grand divan of the counsellors and burgomasters 
was convened, to talk over the critical state of the pro- 
vince, and devise measures for its safety. Two things 
were unanimously agreed upon in this venerable assem- 
bly : first, that the city required to be put in a state of 
defence — and, secondly, that as the danger was imminent, 
there should be no time lost — which points being settled, 
they immediately fell to making long speeches, and bela- 
bouring one another in endless and intemperate disputes. 
For about this time was this unhappy city first visited by 
that talking endemic, so universally prevalent in this 
country, and which so invariably evinces itself, wherever 
a number of wise men assemble together ; breaking out 
in long windy speeches, caused, as physicians suppose, 
by the foul air which is evei- generated in a crowd. Now, 



282 HTBTORY or 

it was, moreover, that they first introduced the ingenious 
method of measuring the merits of an harangue by the 
hour-glass ; he being considered the ablest orator who spoke 
longest on a question — for which excellent invention, it is 
recorded, we aie indebted to the same profound Dutch 
critic who judged of books by their size. 

This sudden passion for endless harangues, so little 
consonant with the customary gravity and taciturnity of 
our sage forefathers, was supposed by certain learned 
philosophers to have been imbibed, together with divers 
other barbarous propensities, frcm their savage neigh- 
bours ; who were peculiarly noted for their long talks and 
council fires ; who would never undertake any affair of the 
least importance, without previous debates and harangues 
among their chiefs and old men But the real cause was, 
that the people, in electing their representatives to tlie 
grand council, were particular in choosing them for their 
talents at talking, without inquiring whether they possessed 
the more rare, difficult, and oft times important talent of 
holding their tongues. The consequence was, that this 
deliberative body was composed of the most loquacious 
men in the community. As they considered themselves 
placed there to talk, every man concluded that his duty 
to his constituents, and, what is more, his popularity with 
them, required that he should harangue on every subject, 
whether he understood it or not. 'Ihere was an ancient 
mode of burying a chieftain, by every soldier throwing his 
shield full of earth on the corpse until a mighty mound 
was formed ; so whenever a question was brought forward 
in this assembly, every member pressing forward to throw 
on his quantum of wisdom, the subject was quickly buried 
under a huge mass of words. 

We are told in the Attic nights of Aulus Gellius, that 
when disciples were admitted into the school of Pytha- 
goras, they were for two years enjoined silence, and were 
neither permitted to ask questions nor make remarks. 
After they had thus acquired the inestimable art of hold- 
ing their tongues, they were gradually permitted to make 
inquiries, and finally to communicate their own opinions. 

What a pity is it, that while superstitiously hoarding 
up the rubbish and rags of antiquity, we should suffer 
thtse precious gems to lie unnoticed. What a beneficial 
elictt would this wise regulation of Pythagoras have, if 



HEW YORK. '283 

introduced in legislative bodies! — and how wonderfully 
would it have tended to expedite business in the grand 
council of the Manhattoes ! 

TIjus, howeve'-, did dame Wisdom (whom the wags of 
antiquity have humorously personified as a woman) seem 
to take mischievous pleasure in jilting the venerable coun- 
sellors of New-Amsterdam. The old factions of loiigf 
pipes and short pipes, which had been almost strangled 
by the Herculanean grasp of Peter Stuyvesant, now sprung 
up with tenfold violence. Not that the originial cause of 
difference still existed, but it has ever been the fate of 
party names and party rancour to remain long after the 
principles that gave rise to them have been forgotten. 
To complete the public confusion and bewilderment, the 
fatal word Econoim/, which one would have thougiu was* 
dead and buried with William the Testy, was once more 
set afloat, like the apple of discor<i, in the grand council 
of Nieuw Nederlandts— according to which sound principle 
of policy, it was deemed more expedient to throw away 
twenty thousand guilders upon an inefficient plan of 
defence, than thirty thousand on a good and substantial 
one, the province thus making a clear saving of leu 
thousand guilders. 

But when they came to discuss the mode of defence, 
then began a war of words that balfles all description. 
The mend)ers being, as I observed, enlisted in opposite 
parties, were enabled to proceed with anmzing system and 
regularity in the discussion of the questions before them. 
Whatever was proposed by a long pipe, was opposed by 
the whole tribe of short pipes, who, like true politicians, 
considered it their first duty to effect the downfal of the 
long pipes — their second, to elevate themselves •, and 
their third, to consult the welfare of the country. This at 
least was the creed of the most upright among the party ; 
for as to the great mass, they left the third consideration 
out of the question altogether. 

In this great collision of hard heads, it is astonishing the 
number of projects for defence that were struck out ; not 
one of which had ever been heard of before, nor has 
been heard of since, unless it be in very modern days^ 
j)r'jjects that threw the windmill system of the ingenious 
kitft comi)letely in the back grmmd. Still, howevev, 



284 HISTORY or 

nothing could be decided on ; for so soon as a formidable 
host of air castles were reared by one party, they were 
demolished by the other; the simple populace stood 
gazing in anxious expectation of the mighty egg that w as 
to be hatched with all this cackling, but they gazed in 
vain, for it appeared that the grand council was determined 
to protect the province, as did the noble and gigantic 
Pantagruel his army, by covering it with his tongue. 

Indeed there was a portion of the members, consisting 
of fat self-important old burghers, who smoked their 
pipes and said nothing, excepting to negative every plan 
of defence that was oftered. These were of that class of 
wealthy old citizens, who, having amassed a fortune, 
button up their pockets, shut their mouths, look rich, and 
are good for nothing all the rest of their lives. Like some 
phlegmatic oyster, which having swallowed a pearl, closes 
its shell, settles down in the mud, and parts with its life 
sooner than its treasure. Every plan of defence seemed 
to these worthy old gentlemen pregnant with ruin. An 
armed force was a legion of locusts, preying upon the 
public property ; to fit out a naval armament was to 
throw their money into the sea ; to build foitlfications 
was to bury it in the dirt. In short, they settled it as a 
sovereign maxim, so long as their pockets were full, no 
matter how much they were diubbed. — A kick left no scar ; 
a broken head cured itself ; but an empty purse was of oil 
maladies the slowest to heal, and one in which nature did 
nothing to the patient. 

Thus did this venerable assembly of sages lavish away 
that time, which the urgency of affairs rendered iifvaluable, 
in empty brawls and long-winded speeches, without ever 
agreeing, except on the point with which they started, 
namely, that there was no time to be lost, and delay was 
ruinous. • At length St. Nicholas, taking compassion on 
their distracted situation, and anxious to preserve them 
from anarchy, so ordered, that in the midst of one of their 
most noisy debates on the subject of fortification and 
defence, when they had nearly fallen to loggerheads in 
consequence of not being able to convince each other, 
the question was happily settled by a messenger, who 
bounced into the chamber and informed them tiial the hostile 
fleet liad arrived, and was actually advancing up the bay ! 



^Ew YouK. 285 

Tims was all fuitlier necessity of eitlier fortityiiijy or 
disputing completely obviated-, and thus was the j;rand 
council saved a world of words, and the province a world 
of expense — a most absolute and glorious triumph of 
econ any. 

CHAP. VI. 

in which the troubles of New- Amsterdam appear to 

thicken — Showing the bravery, in time of peril,, of a 

people who defend themselves by res.olutions 

Like as an assemblage of politic cats, engaged in 
clamorous gibberings and catterwaulings, eyeing one another 
with hideous grimaces, spitting in each other's faces, and 
on the point of breaking forth into a general clapper-claw- 
ing, are suddenly ])ut to scampering, rout, and confusion, 
by the startling appearance of a house-dog — so was the 
no less vociferous council of New-Amsterdam amazt(i, 
astounded, and totally dispersed, by the sudden arrival of 
the enemy. Every member made the best of his way 
home, waddling along as fast as his short legs could fag 
under their heavy burthen, and wheezing as he went with 
corpulency and terror. When he arrived at his castle, he 
barricadoed the street door, and buried himself in the 
cider cellar, without daring to peep out, lest he should have 
his head carried oft' by a cannon ball. 

The sovereign people all crowded into the market-place, 
herding together with the instinct of sheep, who seek for 
safety in each other's company, when the shepherd and 
his dog are absent, and the wolf is prowling round the 
fold. Far from tinding relief, however, they only increased 
each other's terrors. Each man looked ruefully in his 
neighbour's face, in search of encouragement, but only 
found, in its woe-begone lineaments, a confirmation of his 
own dismay. Not a word now was to be heard of conquer- 
ing Great Britain, not a whisper about the sovereign 
virtues of economy— -while the old women heightened the 
general gloom, by clamorously bewailing then- fate, and 
incessantly calling for protection on St. Nicholas and Peter 
Stuyvesant. 



288 HISTORY OF 

Oh, how did they bewail the absence of the lion-hearted 
Peter ! — and how did they long fur the comforting pre- 
sence of Anthony Van Corlear ! Indeed, a gloomy un- 
certainty hung over the fate of these adventurous heroes. 
Day after day had elapsed since the alarming message from 
the governor, without bringing any further tidings of his 
safety. IMany a fearful conjecture was hazarded as to 
what had befallen him and his loyal squire. Had they 
iiot been devoured alive by the cannibals of Marble-head 
and Cape Cod ? Were they not put to the question by 
the great council of Amphyctiuns ? Were they not 
smothered in onions by the terrible men of Pyquag ? — In 
the midst of this consternation and perplexity, when 
horror like a mighty nighl-mare sat brooding upon the 
little, fat, plethoric city of New-Amsterdam, the ears of the 
multitude were suddenly startled by a stiange and distant 
sound — it approached— it grew louder and louder— and 
now it resounded at the city gate. Tlie public could net 
be mistaken in the well-known sound. A shout of joy 
burst from their lips, as the gallant Peter, covered with 
dust, and followed by his faithful trumpeter, came gallop- 
ing into the market-place. 

The first transports of the populace having subsided, 
they gathered round the honest Anthony, as he dismounted 
from his horse, overwhelming him with greetings and con- 
gratulations. In breathless accents he related to them the 
marvellous adventures through which (he old governor and 
himself had gone, in making their escape from the clutches 
of the terrible Amphyctions. But though the Stuyvesant 
manuscript, with its customary minuteness, where any 
thing touching the great Peter is concerned, is very 
particular as to the incidents of this masterly retreat, 
yet the particular state of the public affairs will not allow 
me to indulge in a full recital thereof. Let it suffice 
to say, that, while Peter Stuyvesant was anxiously revolv- 
ing in his uiind how he could make good his escape with 
honour and dignity, certain of the ships sent out for the 
conquest of the Manhattoes touched at tHe eastern ports, 
to obtain needful supplies, and to call on the grand council 
of the league for its promised co-operation. Upon 
hearing of this, the vigilant Peter i)ejveiviug that a mo- 
ment's delay were fatal, made a secret and piecipitate 
decampment J though much did it grieve his lofty soul to 



NEW YORK, 287 

be obliged to turn his back even upon a nation of foes. 
Many hair bieailth 'sca[)es and divers perilous mishaps 
did they sustain, as they scouied, without sound of ti uni- 
pet, through the fair regions of the east. Already was the 
country in an uproar with hostik» preparation, and they 
were oblig-ed to take a large circuit in their flight, Unking 
along thiough tlie woody mountains of the DeviTs Back- 
bone ; from whence the valiant Peter sallied forth one 
day, like a lion, and put to rout the whole kgion of squat- 
ters, consisting of three generations of a prolific family, 
who were already on their way to take possession of some 
corner of the New Netiterlands. Nay, the faitliiul 
Anthony had great difficulty at sundry times to pievent 
him, in the excess of his wialh, from descending down from 
the mountains, and falling sword in hand upon certain of 
the border-towns, who were marshalling forth their draggle- 
tailed militia. 

The first movements of the governor, on reaching his 
dwelling, was to mount the roof, from whence he contem- 
plated wilh rueful aspect the hostile squadron. Tiiis had 
already conie to an anchor in the bay, and consisted of 
two stout frigates, having on board, as John Josselyn, 
Gent, informs us, " three hundred valiant red coats." 
Having taken this survey, he sat himself down, and wrote 
an epistle to the commander, demanding his reason of an- 
choring in the harbour without obtaining previous permis- 
sion so to do. This letter was couched in tlie most digni- 
fied and courteous terms, though I have it from undoubted 
authority, that his teeth were clinched, and lie had a 
bilter sardonic grin upon his visage all the while he 
wrote. Having despat<;hed his letter, the grim Peter 
stumped to and fro about the town, with a most war-be- 
tokening countenance, his hands thrust into his breeches 
pockets, and whistling a lov/ Dutch Psalm tunc, which 
bore no small resemblance to the music of a north-east 
w ind, when a storm is brewing. The very dogs, as they 
eyed him, skulked away in dismay — while all the old and 
ugly women of New Amsterdam ran howling at his heels, 
imploring him to save them from murder, robbery, and 
pitiless ravishment ! 

The reply of Col. Nichols, who commanded the inva- 
ders, was couched in terms of equal courtesy with the 
letter of the governor — declaring the right and title of hij? 



iS8 HISTORY OF 

British majesty to the province ; where he affirmed the 
Dutch to be mere interlopers ; and demanding- that the 
town, forts, &c. should be forthwith rendered into his 
majesty's obedience and protection- -promising at the 
same time, life, liberty, estate, and free ti-ade, to every 
Dutch denizen, who should readily submit to his majesty's 
government. 

Peter Stuyvesant read over this friendly epistle with 
some such harmony of aspect as we may suppose a crusty 
farmer, who has long been fattening upon his neighbour's 
soil, reads the loving letter of John Stiles, that warns him 
of an action of ejectment. The old governor, however, 
was not to be taken by surprise, but thrusting the sum- 
mons into his breeches pocket, he stalked three times 
across the roonj, took a pinch of snufF with great vehe- 
mence, and then lol'tily waving his hand, promised to 
send an answer the next morning. In the mean time he 
called a general council of war of his privy counsellors 
and burgomasters, not for the purpose of asking their 
advice, for that, as has been already shown, he valued not a 
rush ; but to make known unto them his sovereign deter- 
mination, and require their prompt adherence. 

Before, however, he convened his council, he resolved 
upon three important points 5 first, never to give up the 
city without a little hard fighting, for he deemed it highly 
derogatory to the dignity of so renowned a city, to suffer 
itself to be captured and stripped, without receiving a few 
kicks into the bargain. Secondly, that the majority of his 
grand council was composed of arrant paltroons, utterly 
destitute of true bottofm j and, thirdly, that he would not 
therefore suffer them to see the snmmons of Col. Nichols, 
lest the easy terms it held out might induce them to 
clamour for a surrender. 

His orders being duly promulgated, it was a piteoua 
sight to behold the late valiant burgomasters, who had 
demolished the whole British empire in their harangues, 
peeping ruefully out of their hiding places, and thenciawl- 
ing cautiously forth, dodging through narrow lanes and 
alleys : starting at every little dog that barked, as though 
it had been a discharge of artillery— -mistaking lamp-posts 
for British grenadiers, and, in the excess of their panic, 
metamorphosing pumps into formidable soldiers, levelling 
blunderbusses at their bosoms ! Flaving, however, in 



NEW YORK. 289 

tlespite of numerous perils and difficulties of the kind, 
arrived safe, without the loss of a single man, at the hall of 
assembly, they took their seats and awaited in fearful 
silence the arrival of the governor. In a few moments the 
wooden leg of the intrepid Peter was heard in regulat 
and stout-hearted thumps upon the staircase. He entered 
the chamber, arrayed in a full suit of regimentals, and car- 
rying his trusty toledo, not girded on his thigh, but tucked 
under his arm. As the governor never equipped himself in 
this portentous manner, unless something of martial nature 
were working within his fearless pericranium, his council 
regarded him ruefully, as a very Janus, bearing fire and 
' sword in his iron countenance, and forgot to light their 
pipes in breathless suspense. 

The great Peter was as eloquent as he was valorous ; 
indeed, these two rare qualities seemed to go hand in 
hand in his composition ; and, unlike most gieat states- 
men, whose victories are only confined to the bloodless 
field of argument, he was always ready to enforce his 
hardy words by no less hardy deeds. His speeches were 
generally marked by a simplicity, approaching to bluntness, 
and by truly categorical decision. Addressing the grand 
council, he touched briefly upon the perils and hardships 
he had sustained, in escaping from his crafty foes. He 
next reproached the council for wasting in idle debate 
and party feuds that time which should have been devoted 
to their country. He was particularly indignant at those 
brawlers, who, conscious of individual security, had dis- 
graced the councils of the province, by impotent hectorings, 
and scurrilous invectives, against a noble and a powerful 
enemy — those cowardly curs, who were incessant in their 
barkings and yelpings at the lion, while distant or asleep, 
but the moment he approached, were the first to skulk 
away. He now called on those who had been so valiant 
in their threats against Great Britain, to stand forth and 
support their vauntings by their actions — for it was deedSf 
not words, that bespoke the spirit of a nation. He pro- 
ceeded to recal the golden days of former prosperity, 
which were only to be gained by manfully withstanding 
their enemies; for the peace, he observed, which iseftVcted 
by force of arms, is always more sure and durable than 
that which is patched up by temporary accommodations. 
He endeavoured, moreover, to arouse their martial fire^ 

c c 



290 BE?TORY OF 

by reminding them of the time, when, before the frowning 
walls of fort Christina, he had led them on to victory. He 
strode likewiye to awaken their confidence, by assvuing 
them of the protection of St. JNicholas, who had hitherto 
maintained them in safety, amid all the savages of the 
wilderness, the witches and squatters of the east, and the 
giants of Merry-land. Finally, he informed them of tlie 
insolent summons he had received, to surrender; but con- 
cluded by swearing to defend the province as long as 
heaven was on his side, and he had a wooden leg to stand 
upon. Which noble sentence he emphasized by a tre- 
mendous thwack with the broad side of his sword upon 
the table, that totally electrihed his auditors. 

The privy counsellors, who had long been accustomed 
to the governor's way, and in fact had been brought into 
as perfect discipline as were ever the soldiers of the great 
Frederic, saw tliat there was no use in saying a word — 
so lighted their pipes and smoked away in silence like fat 
and discreet counsellors. But the burgomasters being less 
imder the governor's control, considering themselves as 
representatives of the sovereign people, and being more- 
over inflated with considerable importance and self-suffici 
ency, which they had acquired at those notable schools of 
viisdom a-id morality, the popular meetings — were not so 
easily satisfied. Mustering up fresh spirit, when they 
found there was some chance of escaping from their pre- 
sent jeopardy, without the disagreeable alternative of 
fighting, they requested a copy of the summons to surren- 
der, that they might shew it to a general meeting of the 
people. 

So insolent and mutinous a request would have been 
enough to have aroused the gorge of the tranquil Van 
Twiller himself — what then must have been its efiect upon 
the great Sluyvesant, who was not only a Dutchman, a 
governor, and a valiant wooden-legged soldier to boot, but 
withal a man of the most stomachful and gunpowder dis- 
position. He burst forth into a blaze of noble indignation, 
to which the famous rage of Achilles was a mere pouting 
fit — swore not a mother's son of them should see a syl^ 
lable of it — that they deserved, every one of them, to be 
hanged, drawn, and quartered, for traitorously daring to 
question the infallibility of government ; that as to their 
advice or concurrence, he did not care a whifi" of tobacco 



NEW YORK. 291 

for either ; that he had long been harassed and thwarted 
by their cowardly councils ; but that they might thence- 
forth go home, and go to bed like old women, for he was 
determined to defend the colony himself, without the as- 
sistance of them or their adherents! So saying, he tucked 
his sword under his arm, cocked his Ivat upon his head, 
and girding up his loins, stumped indignantly out of his 
council chambei-, every body making room for him as he 
passed. 

No sooner had he gone than the busy burgomasters 
called a public meeting in front of the Stadt-house, where 
they appointed as chairman one Dofue Roerback, a mighty 
ginsrerbread-baker in the land, and formerly of the cabinet 
of William the Testy. He was looked up to with great 
reverence by the populace, wiio considered him a man 
of dark knowledge, seeing he was the first that imprinted 
new-year cakes with the mysterious hieroglyphics of the 
cock and breeches, and such like magical devices. 

This great burgomaster, who still chewed the cud of ill 
will against the valiant Stuyvesant, in consequence of hav- 
ing been ignominiously kicked out of his cabinet at the 
time of his taking the reins of government, addressed the 
greasy multitude in what is called a patriotic speech ; in 
which he informed them of the courteous summons to sur- 
render — of the governor's refusal to comply therewith — 
of his denying the public a sight of the summons, which, 
he had no doubt, contained conditions highly to the honour 
and advantage of the province. 

He then proceeded to speak of his excellency in hioh 
sounding terms, suitable to the dignity and grandeur of 
bis station, comparing him to Nero, Caligula, and those 
other great men of yore, who are generally quoted by 
popular orators on similar occasioivs. Assuring the people 
tisat the history of the world did not contain a despotic 
outrage to equal the present for atrocity, cruelty, tyranny, 
and blood-thirstiness ; that it would be recorded in letters 
of fire on the blood-stained tablet of history ! that ages 
would roll back with sudden horror, when they came to 
view it ! That the womb of time — (by the way your orators 
and writers take strange liberties with the womb of lime, 
though some would fain have us believe that time is an old 
gentleman) — that the womb of time, pregnant as it was 
with direful horrors, woiild never produce a parallel euor- 



292 HisTonv or 

mity! — with a variety of other heart-rending, soul-stirring 
tropes and figures, which 1 cannot enumerate. Neither, 
indeed, need I, for they were exactly the same that are 
used in all popuhir harangues and patriotic orations at the 
present day, and may be be classed in rhetoric under the 
gineral title of Rigmarule. 

The speech of this inspired burgomaster being finished, 
the meeting fell into a kind of popular fennentation, which 
produced not only a string of right wise resolutions, but 
likewise a most resolute memorial, addressed to the gover- 
nor, remonstrating at his conduct ; which was no sooner 
handed to him, then he handed it into the fire ; and thus 
deprived posterity of an invaluable document, that might 
have served as a precedent to the enlightened cobblers 
and tailors of the present day, in their sage intermeddlings 
with politics. 



CHAP. VII. 



Containing a doleful Disaster of Anthony the Trumpeter f 
and how Peter Stuyvesant^ like a second Cromwell, sud- 
denly dissolved a Rump Parliament. 

Now did the high-minded Pieter de Groodt shower down 
a pannier-load of benedictions upon his burgomasters, for 
a set of self-willed, obstinate, headstrong varlets, who 
would neither be convinced nor persuaded ; and deter- 
mined thenceforth to have nothing more to do with them, 
but to consult merely the opinion of his privy counsellors, 
which he knew from experience to be the best in the world, 
inasmuch as it never diftered from his own. Nor did he 
omit, now that his hand was in, to bestow some thousand 
left-handed compliments upon the sovereign people, whom 
he railed at for a herd of poltroons, who had no relish for 
the glorious hardships and illustrious misadventures of 
battle — hut would rather stay at home, and eat and sleep 
in ignoble ease, than gain immortality and a broken head, 
by valiantly fighting in a ditch. 

Resolutely bent, however, upon defending his beloved 
rily, in despite even of itst^lf, he called unto him his trusty 
Van Corlear, who was his righl-hand man in all times of 



NEW YORK. 293 

emergency. Him did he adjure to take his war-denoun- 
cing trumpet, and mounting his horse, to beat up the 
country, night and day — sounding the alarm along the 
pastoral borders of the Bronx— startling the wild solitudes 
of Croton — arousing the rugged yeomanry of Weehiiwk 
and Hoboeken— the mighty men of bitlle of Tappan Bay* 
—and the brave boys of T.irry town and Sleepy hollow- 
together with all the other warriors of the country round 
about-, charging them one and all, to sling their powdtr- 
borns, shoulder their fowling-pieces, and march merrily 
down to the Manhattoes. 

Now there was nothing in all the world, the divir.e sex 
excepted, that Anthony Van Corlear loved better than 
errands of this kind. So, just stopping to take a lusty 
dinner, and bracing to his side his junk-bottle, well charged 
with heart-inspiring Hollands, he issued joUily fi-um the 
city gate, that looked out upon what is at present called 
Bioad.vay : sounding as usual a farewell strain, that rung 
in sprightly echoes through the winding streets of New- 
Amsterdam— Alas ! never more were they to be gladdened 
by the melody of their favourite trumpeter ! 

It was a dark and stormy night when the good Anthony 
arrived at the famous creek (sagely denominated Haerlem 
river) whicli separates the island of Manna-hata from the 
main land. The wind was high, the elements were in an 
uproar, and no Charon could be found to ferry the adven- 
turous sounder of brass across the water. For a short 
time he vapoured like an impatient ghost upon the brink, 
and then, bethinking himself of the urgency of his errand, 
took a hearty embrace of his stone bottle, swore most 
valorously that he would swim across, en spijt den duyvel 
(in spite of the devil !) and daringly plunged into the 
stream. — Luckless Anthony ! scarce had he buffeted half- 
way over, when he was observed to struggle violently, as 
if battling with the spirit of the waters— instinctively he 
put his trumpet to his mouth, and, giving a vehement 
blast, sunk for ever to the bottom ! 

The potent clangour of his trumpet, like the ivory horn 
of the renowned Paladin Orlando, when expiring in the 
glorious Held of Roncesvalles, rung far and wide through 

• A corruption of Top-paun ; so called from a tribe o' Indian 
wiucii budslcd l^iO SgUtiug lueii. — See Uyilvie's liistory. 



294 HISTORY OF 

the country, alarming the neig^hbours round, who hurried 
in amazement to the spot. Here an old Dutch burgher, 
famed for his veracity, and who had been a wilness of" the 
fact, related to them the melancholy affair; with the fear- 
fid addition (to which 1 am slow of giving belief), that he 
saw the duyvel, in the shape of a huge moss-bonker, seize 
the sturdy Anthony by the leg, and drag him beneath 
the waves. Certain it is, the place, with the adjoining 
promontory, which projects into the Hudson, has been 
called Spijt den duyvel, or Spiking duyvely ever since— 
the restless ghost of the unfortunate Anthony still haunts 
the surrounding solitudes, and his trumpet has often 
been heard by the neighbours, of a stormy night, mingling 
with the howling of the blast. Nobody ever attempts 
to swim over the creek after dark ; on the contrary, a 
bridge has been built to guard against such melancholy 
accidents in future — and as to moss-bonkers, they are 
held in such abhorrence that no true Dutchman will admit 
them to his table, who loves good fish, and hates the 
devil. 

Such was the end of Anthony Van Corlear — a man 
deserving of a better fate. He lived roundly and soundly, 
like a true and jolly bachelor, until the day of his death ; 
but though he was never married, yet did he leave behind 
some two or three dozen children, in different parts 
of the country — fine chubby, brawling, flatulent little 
inchins, from whom, if legends speak true (and they 
are not apt to lie), did descend the innumerable race of 
editors, who people and defend this country, and who are 
bountifully paid by the people for keeping up a constant 
alarm — and making them miserable. VVuidd that they 
inherited the worth, as they do the wind, of their renowned 
progenitor I 

The tidings of this lamentable catastrophe imparted a 
severer pang to the bosom of Peter Stuyvesant than did 
even the invasion of his beloved Amsterdam. It came 
ruthlessly home to those sweet affections that grow close 
around the heart, and are nourished by its warmest cur- 
rent. As some lone pilgrim wandering in trackless 
wastes, while the tempest whistles through his locks, and 
dreary night is gathering around, sees stretched, cold and 
lifeles-, his faithful dog— the sole companion of his jour 
ncying— \»ho had shared his solitary meal, and so ofteu 



NEW YORK. 295 

licked his hand in humble gratitude ;— so did the gene, 
rous-hearted hero of the Manhattoes contemplate the 
untimely end of his faithful Anthony. He had been the 
humble attendant of his footsteps— he had cheered him 
in many a heavy hour, by his honest gaiety ; and had 
followed him, in loyalty and affection, through many a 
scene of direful peril and mishap. He was gone for ever 

and that too at a moment when every mongrel cur 

seemed skulking from his side. This, Peter Stuyvesanl— 
this was the moment to try thy fortitude ; and this was the 
moment, when thou didst indeed shine forth--Peter the 
Headstrong. 

The glare of day had long dispelled the horrors of the 
last stormy night, still all was dull and gloomy. The 
late jovial Apollo hid his face behind lugubrious clouds- 
peeping out now and then for an instant, as if anxious, 
yet fearful, to see what was going on in his favourite city. 
This was the eventful morning when the great Peter was to 
give his reply to the summons of the invaders. Already 
was he closeted with his privy council, sitting in grim 
state brooding over the fate of his favourite trumpeter, 
and anon boiling with indignation as the insolence of his 
recreant burgomasters flashed upon his mind. While in 
this state of irritation, a courier arrived in all haste from 
Winthrop, the subtle governor of Connecticut, counselling 
him in the most affectionate and disinterested manner to 
surrender the province, and magnifying the dangers and 
calamities to which a refusal would subject him. What 
a moment was this to intrude officious advice upon a 
man who never took advice in his whole life ! The fiery 
old governor strode up and down the chamber, with a 
vehemence that made the bosoms of his counsellors to 
quake with awe, railing at his unlucky fate, that thus made 
him the constant butt of factious subjects and Jesuitical 
advisers. 

Just at this ill-chosen juncture, the officious burgo- 
masters, who were now completely on the watch, and had 
heard of the arrival of mysterious dispatches, came march- 
ing in a resolute body into the room, witli a legion of sche- 
pens and load-eaters at their heels, and abruptly demanded 
a perusal of the letter. Thus to be broken in upon by what 
he esteemed a " rascal rabble," and that too at thevciy 
moment lie was grinding under an irritdtion from abroad, 



296 HISTORY OF 

was too much for the spken of the choleric Peter. He 
tore the letter in a thousand pieces,* threw it in the face 
of the nearest burgomaster, broke his pipe over the head 
of the next, hurled his spittings-box at an unlucky schepen, 
who was just making a masterly retreat out at the door, and 
finally prorogued the whole meeting sine diet by kicking 
them down stairs with his wooden leg. 

As soon as the burgomasters could recover from the 
confusion into which their sudden exit had thrown them, 
and had taken a little time to breathe, they protested against 
the conduct of the governor, which they did nut hesitate 
to pronounce tyrannical, unconstitutional, highly indecent, 
and somewhat disrespectful. They then called a public 
meeting, where they read the protest, and addressing the 
assembly in a set speech, related at full length, and with 
appropriate colouring and exaggeration, the despotic and 
vindictive deportment of the governor j declaring that, for 
their own parts, they did not value a straw the being 
kicked, cufled, and mauled by the timber toe of his excel- 
lency, but they felt for the dignity of the sovereign people, 
thus rudely insulted by the outrage committed on the seats 
of honour of their representatives. The latter part of the 
harangue had a violent eflect upon the sensibility of the 
people, as it came home at once to tiiat delicacy of feeling 
and jealous pride of character vested in all true mobs ] 
who, though they may bear injuries without a murmur, 
yet are marvellously jealous of their sovereign dignity ^ 
and there is no knowing to what act of resentment they 
might have been provoked against the redoubtable Peter, 
?iad not the greasy rogues been somewhat more afraid of 
their sturdy old governor than they were of St. Nicholas; 
he English, or the D 1 himself. 

• Smith's History of N. Y. 



NEW YORK. 297 



CHAP. VIII 

How Peter Stuyvesant defended the City of New- Am- 
sterdam for several Days, by dint of the Strength of his 

Head. 

Thkre is something exceedingly sublime and melan- 
choly iu the spectacle which the present crisis of our history 
presents. An illustrious and venerable little city, the 
metropolis of an immense extent of uninhabited country, 
garrisoned by a doughty host of orators, chairmen, com- 
mitteemen, burgomasters, schepens, and ohl women, go- 
verned by a determined and strong-htaded warrior, and 
fortified by mud- batteries, palisadoes, and resolutions, 
blockaded by sea, beleagured by land, and threatened 
M'ith direful desolation from without, while its very vitals 
are torn with internal faction and commotion ! Never did 
historic pen record a page of more complicated distress, 
unless it be the strife that distracted tlie Israelites during 
the siege of Jerusalem, where discordant parties were cut- 
ting each other's throats, at the moment when the victorious 
legions of Titus had toppled down their bulwarks, and 
were carrying fire and sword into the very Sanctum Sane 
torum of the temple. 

Governor Stuyvesant having triumphantly, as has been 
recorded, put his grand council to the rout, and thus de- 
livered himself from a multitude of impertinent advisers, 
despatched a categorical reply to the cummanders of the 
invading squadron ; wherein he asserted the right and 
title of their high mightinesses the lords states-general to 
the province of New Netherlands, and trusting in the 
righteousness of his cause, set the whole British nation at 
defiance! My anxiety to extricate my readers and myself 
from those disastrous scenes prevents me from giving the 
whole of this gallant letter, which concluded in tliese manly 
and afl'ectionate terms : 

** As touching the threats in your conclusion, we have 
nothing to answer, only that we fear nothing but what 
God (who is as jiist as merciful) shall lay upon us— all 
thini;s being in his gracious disposal —and we may as well 
be preserved by Hitn with small forces as by a great 



298 HISTORY OF 

army •, which makes us to wish you all happiness and 
prosperity, and recontmend you to his protection. — My 
lords, your thiice humble and afiectionate servant and 
friend, 

" P. Stuyvesant." 

Thus having resolutely thrown his gauntlet, the brave 
Peter stuck a pair of horse pistols in his belt — girded an 
immense powder-horn on his side — thrust his sound Itg 
into a Hessian boot — and clapping his fierce little war- 
hat on the top of his head, paraded up and down in front 
of his house, determined to defend his beloved city to the 
ast. 

While these woful struggles and dissensions were 
prevailing in the unhappy city of New-Amsterdam, and 
while its worthy but ill-starred governor was framing the 
above quoted letter, the English commanders did not 
remain idle. They had agents secretly employed to 
foment the fears and clamours of the populace ; and 
moreover circulated far and wide, through the adjacent 
country, a proclamation, repeating the terms they had 
already held out in their summons to surrender, and 
beguiling the simple Netherlanders with the most crafty 
and conciliating professions. They promised that every 
man, who voluntarily submitted to the authority of his 
British majesty, should retain peaceable possession of his 
house, his vrouw, and his cabbage garden. That he should 
be suffered to smoke his pipe, speak Dutch, wear as many 
breeches as he pleased, and import bricks, tiles, and stone 
jugs from Holland, instead of manufacturing them on the 
spot — that he should on no account be compelled to learn 
the English language, or keep accounts in any other way 
than by casting them up on his tingeis, and chalking 
them down upon the crown of his hat •, as is still observant 
among the Dntch yeomanry at the present day. Then 
every man should be allowed quietly to inherit his father's 
hat, coat, shoe buckles, pipe, and every other personal 
appendage ; and that no man should be obliged to con- 
form to any improvements, inventions, or any other 
modern hniovations ; but on the contrary should be pc- 
mitted to build his house, follow his trade, manage his 
farm, rear his hogs, and educate his children, precisely 
as his ancestors did before him since time immemorial.— 



NEW YORK. 209 

Finally, that he shouUl have all the henefits of free trad* , 
and should not be required to acknowledge any olluv 
saint in the calendar than Saint Nicholas, who should 
tlienceforward, as before, be considered the tutelar saint of 
the city. 

These terms, as may be supposed, appeared very satis- 
factory to Jhe people, who had a great disposition to enjoy 
their property unmolested, and a most singular aversion 
to engage in a contest where they could gain little more 
than honour and broken heads — the first of which they 
held in philosophic indifference, the latter in utter detes- 
tation. By these insidious means, therefore, did the 
English succeed in alienating the confidence and affection 
of the populace from their gallant old governoi-, whom 
they considered as obstinately bent upon running them 
into hideous misadventures ; and did not hesitate to speak 
their minds freely, and abuse him most heartily — behind 
his back. 

Like as a mighty grampus, who, though assailed and 
buffeted by roaring waves, and brawling surges, still keeps 
on an undeviating course ; and though overwhelmed by 
boisterous billows, still emerges from the troubled deep, 
spouting and blowing with tenfold violence — so did the 
"nflexible Peter pursue, unwavering, his determined career, 
and rise contemptuous above the clamours of the rabble. 

But when the British warriors found by the tenor of 
his reply, that he set their power at detiance, they forth- 
with despatched recruiting officers to Jamaica and Jericho, 
and Nineveh, and Quag, and Patchog, and all those 
towns on Long Island, which had bt^en subdued of yore 
by the immortal Stoffel Brinkerhoff ; stirring up the 
valiant progeny of Preserved Fish, and Determined 
Cock, and those other illustrious squatters, to assail the 
city of New-Amsterdam by land. In the meanwhile the 
hostile ships made awful preparation to commence an 
assault by water. 

The streets of New-Amsterdam now presented a scene 
of wild dismay and consternation. In vain did the gal- 
lant Stuyvesant order the citizens to arm and assemble in 
the public square or market-place. The whole party of 
short pipes in the course of a single night had changed 
into arrant old women — a metamorphosis only to be paral- 
leled by the prodigies recorded by Livy as having hap- 



I 



II 



300 HISTORY OW 

peiied to Jlome at the approach of Hannibal ; when 
statues sweated in pure affright, goats were converted into 
sheep, and cocks turning into hens ran cackling about the 1 
streets. 

The harassed Peter, thus menaced from without and 
tormented from within — hailed by the burgomasters and 
hooted at by the rabble — chafed and growled and raged, 
like a furious bear tied to a stake and worried by a legion 
of scoundrel curs. Finding, however, that all further 
attempts to defend the city were vain, and hearing that 
an irruption of borderers and moss-troopers was ready 
to deluge him from the east, he was at length compelled, 
in spite of his proud heart, which swelled in his throat 
until it had nearly choked him, to consent to a treaty of 
surrender. 

Words cannot express the transports of the people, on 
receiving this agreeable intelligence ; had they obtained a 
conquest over their enemies, they could not have indulged 
greater delight. The streets resounded with their con- 
gratulations — they extolled their governor as the father 
and deliverer of his country — they crowded to his house 
to testify their gratitude, and were ten times more noisy 
in their plaudits, than when he returned, with victory 
perched upon his beaver, from the glorious capture of 
Fort Christina ; but the indignant Peter shut his doors 
and windows, and took refuge in the innermost recesses of 
his mansion, that he might not hear the ignoble rejoicings 
of the rabble. 

In consequence of this consent of the governor, a parley 
was demanded of the besieging forces to treat of the terms 
of surrender. Accordingly a deputation of six commis- 
sioners was appointed on both sides, and on the 27th 
August, 1664, a capitulation highly favourable to the pro- 
vince, and honourable to Peter Stuyvesant, was agreed to 
l)y the enemy, who had conceived a high opinion of the 
valour of the men of the Manhattoes, and the magnanimity 
and unbounded discretion of their governor. 

One thing alone remained, which was, that the articleg 
of surrender should be ratified and signed by the gover- 
nor. When the commissioners respectfully waited upon 
nim for this purpose, they were received by the hardy old 
warrior with the most grnn and bitter courtesy. His 
warlike accoutrements were laid aside — an old Indian 



NEW YOKK 301 

uight-go tvn was wrapped round his rugged limbs, a red 
night-cap overshadowed his frowning brow, and an iron 
gray beard of three days' growth, gave an additional 
grimness to his visage. Thrice did he seize a little worn 
out stump of a pen, and essay to sign a loathsome paper — 
thrice did he clinch his teeth, and make a most horrible 
countenance, as though a pestiferous dose of rhubarb, 
senna, and ipecacuanha, had been offered to his lips ; 
at length, dashing it from him, he seized his brass hilted 
sword, and jerking it from the scabbard, swore by St, 
Nicholas, he'd sooner die than yield to any power undc«* 
heaven. 

In vain was every attempt to shake this sturdy resolu 
tion — menaces, remonstrances, revilings, were exhausted 
to no purpose ; for two whole days was the house of the 
valiant Peter besieged by the clamorous rabble, and for 
two whole days did he betake himself to his arms, and 
persist in a magnanimous refusal to ratify the capitulation 
— thus, like another Horatius Codes, bearing the wkioie 
brunt of war, and defending this modern Rome, with t\\e 
prowess of his single arm I 

At length the populace, finding that boisterous measures 
did but incense more determined opposition, bethought 
themselves of an humble expedient, by which, haply, the 
governor's lofty ire might be soothed, and his resolution 
undermined. And now a solemn and mournful proces 
sion, headed by the burgomasters and schepens, and fol- 
lowed by the populace, moves slowly to the governor's 
dwelling, bearing the capitulation. Here they found the 
stout old hero, drawn up like a giant into his castle, the 
doors strongly barricadoed, and himself in full regimentals, 
with his cocked hat on his head, firmly posted with a 
blunderbuss at the garret window. 

There was something in this formidable position that 
struck even the ignoble vulgar with awe and admiration. 
The brawling multitude c^>uld not bi.t reflect with self- 
abasement, upon their own pusillanimous conduct, when 
they beheld their hardj' but deserted old governor thus 
faithful to his post, like a forlorn hope, and fully prepared 
to defend his ungrateful city to the last. These compunc- 
tions, however, were soon overwhelmed by the recurring 
tide of public apprehension. The populace arranged 
.^hemselves before the house, taking off their hats with 

D D 



302 HISTORY or 

most respectful humility — Burgomaster Roerback, who 
was of that popular class of orators, described by old Sal- 
lust, as being " talkative rather than eloquent," stepped 
forth and addressed the governor in a sjjeech of tlnee 
hours' length ; detailing in the most pathetic terms the 
calamitous sisuation of the province, and urging him, in 
H constant repetition of the same arguments and words, to 
sign the capitulation. 

The mighty Peter eyed him from his little garret win- 
dow in grim silence — now and then his eye would glance 
over the surrounding rabble, and an indignant grin, like 
that of an angry mastiff, would mark his iron visage ; 
but though he was a man of most undaunted mettle — though 
he had a heart as big as an ox, and a head that would 
have set adamant to scorn — yet after all he was a mere 
mortal : — wearied out by these repeated oppositions, and 
this eternal haranguing, and perceiving that unless he com- 
plied, the inhabitants would follow their inclinations, or 
rather their fears, without waiting for his consent, he testily 
ordered them to hand him up the paper. It was accord- 
ingly hoibted to him on the end of a pole, and having 
scrawled his name at the bottom of it, he anathematized 
them all for a set of cowardly, mutinous, degenerate pol- 
troons threw the capitulation at their heads, slammed 

down the window, and was heard stumping down stairs 
with the most vehement indignation. The rabble inconti- 
nently took to their heels ; even the burgomasters were 
not slow in evacuating the premises, fearing lest the sturdy 
Peter might issue from his den, and greet them with some 
unwelcome testimonial of his displeasure. 

Within three hours after the surrender a legion of 
British beef-fed warriors poured into New-Amsteidam, 
taking possession of the fort and batteries. And now 
might be heard from all quarters, the sound of l)ammers 
made by the old Dutch burghers, who were busily employed, 
nailing up their doors and windows, to protect their vrouws 
from these tierce barbarians, whom they contemplated in 
silent suUenness from the garret Windows as they paraded 
through the streets. 

Thus did Col. Richard Nichols, the commander of the 
British forces, enter into quiet possession of the conquered 
realm as locum tenens for the Duke of York. The victory 
was attended with no other outrage than that of changing 



NEW YORK. 303 

the name of the province and its metropolis, which thence- 
forth were denominated New-York, an(i so have con- 
tinued to be called unto the present day. The inhabitants, 
according: to treaty, were allowed to maintain quiet pos- 
session of their property ; but so inveterately did they 
retain their abhorrence to the British nation, that in a 
private meeting of the leading citizens, it was unani- 
mously determined never to ask any of their conquerors to 
dinner. 



CHAP. IX. 



Containing the dignified Hetir erne at and mortal Surrender 
of Peter the Headstrong. 

Thus then 1 have concluded this great historical enter- 
prise ; but, before I lay aside my weary pen, there yet 
remains to be performed one pious duty. If, among the 
variety of readers that may peruse this book, there should 
haply be found any of those souls of true nobility, which 
glow with celestial fire at the history of the generous and 
the brave, they will doubtltss be anxious to know the fate 
of the gallant Peter Stuyvesant. To gratify one such 
sterling heart of gold I would go more lengths than to in- 
struct the cold-blooded curiosity of a whole fraternity of 
philosophers. 

No sooner had that high-mettled cavalier signed the 
articles of capitulation, than, determined not to witness the 
.humiliation of his favourite city, he turned his back on 
its walls and made a growUng retreat to his Bouwery, or 
country-seat, which was situated about two miles off ; 
where he passed the remainder of his days in patriarchiai 
retirement. There he enjoyed that tranquillity of mind 
which he had never known amid ihe distracting cares of 
government 5 and tasted the sweets of absolute and uncon- 
trolled authority, which his factious subjects had so often 
dashed with the bitterness of opposition. 

No persuasions could ever induce him to revisit the city 
— on the contrary, he would always have his great arm- 
chair placed with its back to the windows which looked 
in that direction j until a thick grove of trees planted by 

D D 2 



304 HISTORY OF 

his own hand grew up and formed a screen that effectually 
excluded it from the |)rospect. He railed continually at 
the degenerate innovations and improvements introduced 
by the conquerors — forbade a word of their detested 
language to be spoken in his family, a prohibition readily 
obeyed, since none of the household could speak any 
thing but Dutch— and even ordered a fine avenue to be cut 
down in front of his house, because it consisted of English 
cherry trees. 

The same incessant vigilance, that blazed forth when 
he had a vast province under his care, now showed itself 
with equal vigour, though in narrower limits. He 
patrolled with unceasing watchfulness around the boun- 
daries of his little territory; repelled every encroachment 
with intrepid promptness ; punished every vagrant depreda- 
tion upon his orchard or his farm yard with inflexible seve- 
rity; and conducted every stray hog or cow in triumph to 
the pound. But to the indigent neighbour, the friendless 
stranger, or the weary wanderer, his spacious door was 
ever open, and his capacious fire-place, that emblem of 
his own warm and generous heart, had always a corner to 
receive and cherish them. There was an exception to this, 
I must confess, in case the ill-starred applicant was an 
Englishman or a Yankee ; to whom though he might ex- 
tend the hand of assistance, he could never be brought to 
yield the rites of hospitality. Nay, if peradventure some 
straggling merchant of the east, should stop at his door, 
with his cart load of tin ware or wooden bowls, the fiery 
Peter would issue forth like a giant from his castle, and 
make such a furious clattering among his pots and kettles, 
that the vender of " notions''' was fain to betake himself to 
instant flight. 

His ancient suit of regimentals, worn threadbare by the 
brush, were carefully hung up in the state bedchamber, 
and regularly aired the first fair day of every month ; and 
Jiis cocked hat and trusty sword were suspended in grim 
repose over the parlour mantlepiece, forming supporters 
to a full length portrait of the renowned Admiral Von 
Tromp. In his domestic empire he maintained strict dis- 
cipline, and a well organized despotic government; but 
though his own will was the supreme law, yet the good of 
his subjects was his constant object. He watched over, 
not merfcly their immediate comforts, but their morals. 



i EVr YOKK. 305 

and then uftimate welfai-e ; for he ^ave them ahundauce 
of excellent admonition, nor could any of them complain 
that, when occasion required, he was by any means nig- 
gardly in beslowiuff wholesome correction. 

The good old Dutch festivals, tljose periodical dtnion- 
strations of an overflowing heart and a thankful spirit, 
which are falling into s^ad disuse among my fellow-citizens, 
were faithfully observed in the mansion of Governor Stuy- 
vesant. New year was truly a day of open-handed libe- 
rality, of jocund revelry, and warm-hearted congratulation 
— when the bosom seemed to swell with genial good- 
fellowship ; and the plenteous table was attended with an 
unceremonious freedom, and honest broad-mouthed mer- 
riment, unknown in these days of degeneracy and refine- 
ment. Paas and Pinxfer were scrupulously observed 
throughout his dominions ; nor was the day of St. Nicholas 
sutlVred to pass by without making presents, hanging the 
stocking in the chimney, and complying with all its other 
ceremonies. 

Once a year, on the first day of April, he used to array 
himself in full regimentals, being the anniversary of his 
triumphal entry into New-Amsterdam, after the conquest 
of New-Sweden. This was always a kind of Saturnalia 
amt ng the domestics, when they considered themselves at 
liberty in some measure to say and do what they pleased j 
for on this day their master was always observed to un- 
oend, and become exceeding pleasant and jocose, sending 
the old gray-headed negroes on April fools' errands for 
pigeon's milk ; not one of whom but allowed himself to be 
taken in, and humoured his master's jokes as became 
a faithful and well disciplined dependant. Thus did he 
reign, happily and peacefully on his own land — injuring 
no man — envying no man — molested by no outward 
strifes — perplexed by no internal commotions ; — and the 
mighty monarchs of the earth, who were vainly seeking to 
maintain peace, and promote the welfare of mankind, by 
war and desolation, would have done well to have made 
a voyage to the little island of Manna-hata, and learned a 
lesson in government from the domestic economy of Peter 
Stuyvesant. 

In process of time, however, the old governor, like all 
other children of mortality, began to exhibit evident 
tokens of decay. Like an aged oak, which, thuugh it long 



306 HISTORY OF 

has braved the fury of the elements, and still retains its 
gigantic proportions, yet begins to shake and sfroan witb 
every blast — so the gallant Peter, though he still bore the 
port and semblance of what he was in the days of his har- 
diliood and chivalry, yet did age and infirmity begin to 
sap the vigour of his frame; but his heart, that most un- 
conquerable citadel, still triumphed unsubdued. With 
matchless avidity would he listen to every article of intel- 
ligence concerning the battles between the English and 
Dutch. — Still would his pulse beat high whettjver he 
heard of the victories of De Ruyter ; and his countenance 
lower, and his eye-brows knit, when fortune turned in 
favour of the English. At length, as on a certain day, he 
had just smoked his fifth pipe, and was napping after din- 
ner, in his arm chair, conquering the whole British nation 
in his dreams, he was suddenly aroused by the fearful ring- 
ing of bells, rattling of drums, and roaring of cannon, that 
put all his blood in a ferment. But when he learned that 
these rejoicings were in honour of a great victory obtained 
by the combined English and French fleets over the brave 
De Ruyter and the younger Von Tromp, it went so much 
to his heart, that he took to his bed, and in less than three 
days was brought to death's door by a violent cholera 
morbus ! But even in this extremity he still displayed the 
unconquerable spirit of Peter the Headstrong \ holding 
out, to the last gasp, with the most inflexible obstinacy, 
against a whole army of old women, who we.e bent upon 
driving the enemy out of his bowels, after a true Dutch 
mode of defence, by inundating the seat of war with cat- 
nip and pennyroyal. 

VViiile he thus lay, lingering on the verge of dissolu- 
tion, news was brought him, that the brave Ruyter liad 
suffered but little loss — had made good his retreat — and 
meant once more to meet the enemy in battle. The clos- 
ing eye of the old warrior kindled at the words — he partly 
raised himself in bed — a flash of martial fire beamed across 
his visage — he clinched his withered hand as if he felt 
within his gripe that sword which waved in triumph before 
the walls of Fort Christina, and, giving a grim smile of 
exultation, sunk back upon his pillow, and expired. 

Thus died Peter Stuyvesant, a valiant soldier, a loyal 
subject, an upright governor, and an honest Dutchman— 



NEW YORIt. 307 

who wanted only a few empires to desolate, to have been 
immoitalized as a hero ! 

His funeral obsequies were celebrated with Ihe utmost 
grandeur and solemnity. The town was perfectly emptied 
of its inhabitants, who crowded in throngs to pay the last 
sad honours to their g^ood old governor. All his sterling 
qualities rushed in full tide upon their recollections, while 
the memory of his foibles and his faults had expired with 
him. The ancient buighers contended who should have 
the privilege of bearing the pall — the populace strove who 
should walk nearest to the bier— and the melancholy pro- 
cession was closed by a number of grey-headed negroes, 
who had wintered and summered in the household of their 
departed master for the greater part of a century. 

Wilh sad and gloomy countenances, the multitude 
gathered round the grave. They dwelt with mournful hearts 
on the sturdy virtues, the signal services, and the gallant 
exploits of the brave old worthy. They recalled, with 
secret upbraidings, their own factious oppositions to his 
government — and many an ancient burgher, whose phleg- 
matic features had never been known to relax, nor his eyes 
to moisten, was now observed to puff a pensive pipe, and 
the big drop to steal down his cheek— while he muttered, 
with affectionate accent and melancholy shake of head, 
— « Well den ! — Hard-koppig Peter ben gone at last." 

His remains were deposited in the family vault, under 
a chapel, which he had piously erected on his estate, and 
dedicated to St. Nicholas — and which stood on the iden- 
tical spot at present occupied by St. Mark's Church, where 
his tombstone is still to be seen. His estate or Boiiwery^ 
as it was called, has ever continued in the possession of 
his descendants 5 who, by the uniform integrity of their 
conduct, and their strict adherence to the customs and 
manners that prevailed in the " good old times,^^ have 
proved themselves worthy of their illustrious ancestor. 
Many a time and oft has the farm been haunted at night 
by enterprising money diggers, in quest of pots <»f gold 
said to have been buried by the old governor — though I 
cannot learn that any of them has ever been enriched, 
by their researches — and who is there, among my native- 
born fellow citizens, that does not remember, when in the 
mischievous days of his boyhood, he conceived it a great 
exploit to rob " Stnyvesant's orchard" on a holiday after- 

DUOU ? 



308 HISTORY OF 

At this strong hold of the family may still be seen cer- 
tain memorials of the immortal Peter. His full length 
])ortrait frowns in martial terrors from the parlour wall — 
his cocked hat and swoid still hang up in the best bed- 
room. His brimstone-coloured breeches were for a long 
while suspended in the hall, until some years since they 
occasioned a dispute between a new married couple. And 
his silver mounted wooden leg is still treasured up in the 
store room as an invaluable relioue. 



CHAP. X. 

The Author's Reflections upon what has been said. 

Among the numerous events, which are each in their turn 
the most direful and melancholy of all possible occur- 
rences, in your interesting and authentic history, there 
is none that occasions such deep and heart-rending grief, 
as t!ie decline and fall of your renowned and mighty em- 
pires. Where is the reader who can contemplate without 
emotion, the disastrous events by which the great dynas- 
ties of the world have been extinguished ? While wan- 
dering, in imagination, among the gigantic ruins of states 
and empires, and marking the tremendous convulsions 
that wrought their overthi'ow, the bosom of the melau- 
clioly inquirer swells with sympathy commensurate to tiie 
surrounding desolation. Kingdoms, principalities, and 
powers, have each had their rise, thdr progress, and Ihtir 
downfall — each in its turn has swayed a potent scephe — 
each has returned to its primeval nothingness ; — and thus 
did it fare with the empire of their high mightinesses, at 
the Manhattoes, under the peaceful reign of Walter the 
Doubter — the fietful reign of William the Testy — and the 
chivalric reign of Peter the Headstrong. 

Its history is fruitful of instruction, and worthy of being 
pondered over attentively ; for it is by thus raking among 
the ashes of departed greatness, that the sparks of true 
knowledge are found, and the lamp of wisdom illuminated. 
Let then the reign of Walter the Doubter warn against 
yielding to that sleek, contented security, that overween- 
ing fondness for comfort and repose, ihat are produced by 
!i state of prosperity and peace. These tend to unnei've 
a nation, to destroy its pride and character 3 to render it 



NEW YORK. 309 

patient of insult, deaf to the calls of honour and of justice ; 
and cause it to cling to peace, like the sluggard to his 
pillow, at the expense of every valuable duty and conside- 
ration. Such supineness insures the very evil from which 
it shrinks. One right yielded, up produces the usurpa- 
tion of a second; one encroachment passivt'ly suffered 
makes way for another ; and the nation that thus, through 
a doting love of peace, has sacrificed honour and interest, 
will at length have to fight for existence. 

Let the disastrous reign of William the Testy serve as a 
salutary warning against that fitful, feverish mode of legis- 
lation, that acts without system ; depends on shifts and 
projects, and trusts to lucky contingencies ; that hesitates 
and wavers, and at length decides with the rashness of 
ignorance and imbecility. That stoops for popularity by 
courting the prejudices, and flattering the arrogance, 
rathe'- than conimandiiig the respect of the rabble. That 
seeks safety in a multitude of counsellors, and distracts 
itself by a variety of contradictory schemes and opinions. 
That mistakes procrastination for deliberate wariness — 
hurry for decision — starveling parsimony for wholesome 
economy — bustle for business — and vapouring for valour. 
That is violent in council, sanguine in expectation, preci- 
pitate in action, and feeble in execution. That under- 
takes enterprises without forethought, enters upon them 
without preparation, conducts them without energy, and 
ends them in confusion and defeat. 

Let the reign of the good Stuyvesant show the effects 
of vigour and decision, even when destitute of cool judg- 
ment, and surrounded by perplexities. Let it show how 
frankness, probity, and high souled courage, will command 
respect and secure honour, even where success is unat- 
tainable. But, at the same time, let it caution against a 
too ready reliance on the good faith of others, and a too 
honest confidence in the loving professions of powerful 
neighbours, who are most friendly when they ni'jst mean 
lo betray. Let it teach a judicious attention to the opi- 
jiions and wishes of the many, who, in times of peril, 
must be southed and led, or apprehension will overpower 
tiie deference to authority. 

Let the empty wordiness of his factious subjects — their 
intemperate harangues — their violent " resolutions" — their 
heclorings against an absent enemy, and their pusillani- 



310 HmXORY OF 

mity on his approach — teach us to disti-ust and despise 
those clamorous patriots, whose courage dwells but in the 
tongue. Let them serve as a lesson to repress that inso- 
lence of speech, destitute of real force, which too often 
breaks forth in popular bodies, and bespeaks the vanity 
rather than the spirit of a nation. Let them caution us 
against vaunting too much of our own power and prowess, 
and reviling a noble enemy. True gallantry of soul would 
always lead us to treat a foe with courtesy and proud 
punctilio ; a contrary conduct but takes from the merit of 
victory, and renders defeat doubly disgraceful. 

But 1 cease to dwell on the stores of excellent example 
to be drawn from the ancient chronicles of the Manhat- 
loes. He who reads attentively will discover the threads 
of gold, which run throughout the web of history, and are 
invisible to the dull eye of ignorance. But before I con- 
clude, let me point out a solemn warning, furnished in the 
subtle chain of events by which the capture of Fort Casimir 
has produced the present convulsions of our globe. 

Attend then, gentle reader, to this plain deduction, 
which if thou art a king, an emperor, or other powerful 
potentate, I advise thee to treasure up in thy heart, though 
little expectation have 1 that my work will fall into such 
hands ; for well 1 know the care of crafty ministers, to 
keep all grave and edifying books of the kind out of the 
way of unhappy monarchs, lest, peradventure, they should 
rend them and learn wisdom. 

By the treacherous surprisal of Fort Casimir then did 
the crafty Swedes enjoy a transient triumph ; but drew 
upon their heads the vengeance of Peter Stuyvesant, who 
wrested all New- Sweden from their hands. By the 
conquest of New-Sweden, Peter Stuyvesant aroused the 
claims of Lord Baltimore-, who appealed to the cabinet 
of Great Britain j who subdued the whole province of 
New Netherlands. By this great achievement the whole 
extent of North America, from Nova Scotia to the Flori- 
das, was rendered one entire dependency upon the British 
crown-, but mark the consequence. The hitherto scat- 
tered colonies being thus consolidated, and having no 
rival colonies to check or keep them in awe, waxed great 
and powerful ; and, finally, becoming too strong for the 
mother country, were enabled to shake off its bonds, and 
by a glorious revolution became an independent empire. 



NEW YORK. 311 

But the chain of effects stopped not here ; the successful 
-evolut'on in Anierica produced the sanguinary revohition 
in France, which produced the puissant Buonaparte, who 
produced the French despotism, which lias thrown tiie 
wliole worUi in confusion ! — Thus have these great powers 
been successively punished for their ill-starred conquests ; 
and thus, as I asserted, have all the present convulsions, 
revolutions, and disasters that overwhelm mankind, ori- 
ginated in the capture of the little Fort Casimir,as recorded 
in this eventful history. 

And now, worthy reader, ere I take a sad farewell—- 
which, alas ! must be for ever — willingly would I part in 
cordial fellowship, and bespeak thy kind-hearted remem- 
brance. That I have not written a better history of the 
days of the patriarchs is not my fault — had any other per- 
son written one as good, I should not have attempted it 
at all— that many will hereafter spring up and surpass me 
in excellence, 1 have very little doubt, and still less care ; 
well knowing, that when the great Chriytovallo Colon 
(who is vulgarly called Columbus) had once stood his 
egg upon its end, every one at table could stand his up 
a thousand times more dexterously. Should any reader 
find matter of offence in this history, I should heartily 
grieve, though 1 would on no account question his pene- 
tration, by telling him he is mistaken— his good nature 
by telling him he is captious— -or his pure conscience, by 
telling him he is startled at a shadow. Surely, if he is so 
ingenious in finding offence where none is intended, it were 
a thousand pities he should not be suffered to enjoy the 
benefit of his discovery. 

I have too high an opinion of the understanding of my 
fellow.citizens, to think of yielding them any instruction, 
and I covet too much their good will, to forfeit it by 
giving them good advice. I am none of those cynics who 
despise the world, because it despises them — on the con- 
trary, though but low in its regard, I look up to it with 
the most perfect good nature, and my only sorrow is, that 
it does not prove itself more worthy of the unbounded love 
I bear it. 

If, however, in this my historic production— the scanty 
fruit of a long and laborious life — I have failed to gratify 
the dainty palate of the age, I can only lament my nus- 
fortuue — for it is too late in the season for me ev«i to 



312 HISTORY OF NEW YORK. 

hope to repair it. Already has withering age showered 
his sterile snows upon my biow ; in a little while, and this 
genial warmth, which still lingers around my heart, and 
throbs — worthy reader — throbs kindly towards thyself, 
will be chilled for ever. Haply this frail compound of 
dust, which while alive may have given birth to nought 
but unprotitable weeds, may form an humble sod of the 
valley, from whence may spring many a swect-wild-flower, 
to adorn my beloved island of Manna-hata ! 



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